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Ask Aunty Hilda

Submit questions, topics of discussion and issues to your supportive team of Aunties and keep an eye on this column for a response :)

Please remember this is not a helpline. We only answer questions once per week. Not all questions will be published. If you need more urgent support, please contact:

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or contact Marcelle, mnaderturner@shcs.school.nz for a school appointment

I think i might have depression, is there any way I can get tested or get help

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I feel like none of my 'friends' like me in the lunchroom. They don't talk to me and they always make fun of me in a jokey way. What should I do, because I'm scared to leave them and have no friends.

Thank you for your question - I’m really sorry to hear this. That’s such a hard place to be — sitting with people who are supposed to be your friends, but feeling invisible or picked on - That’s not friendship and it hurts. Jokey teasing that makes you feel small isn't harmless. If you're left out, ignored, or made fun of, even with smiles or laughs around it, that’s not kindness. Real friends don’t make you feel like you have to earn your place at the table. So what can you do? 1. Trust your gut. You already know something isn’t right — and that’s important. When your body and brain are telling you, “this doesn’t feel safe or kind,” that’s real wisdom. 2. You don’t have to leave all at once — but you can start stepping back. You could try sitting with someone else for a day or two — even just during a different subject or break. Look for someone who smiles at you, includes you in class, or seems open to a chat. You don’t have to instantly find a new best friend — just try being near people who feel lighter to be around. 3. If you feel brave enough, you could say something simple to your group like: “Hey, I know it’s meant to be joking, but sometimes the way you talk to me doesn’t feel great.” You don’t have to argue or prove anything. If they laugh it off or ignore you, that says more about them than you. 4. You won’t be alone forever. It’s scary to imagine walking away from a group — even a group that hurts — because the idea of being alone feels worse. But being around people who make you feel unworthy is actually lonelier than taking space and finding even one genuine connection elsewhere. You don’t need a huge group. You need kindness. You don’t need to be liked by everyone. You need to feel safe with someone. Start small. Trust yourself. You deserve better — and better is out there. 💙 Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I used to like this guy for a few months last year, then we stopped talking. That was about 7 months ago, and I haven't liked anyone else as much as I try. How do I fix this?

Thanks for a great question - That feeling is so real — when someone gets under your skin and just stays there, even when it’s been ages and you’re trying your best to move on. It can feel frustrating, confusing, and even a bit embarrassing when your heart hasn’t caught up with your brain. But this is something so many people go through — and it doesn’t mean you’re stuck or doing it wrong. So why does this happen? Because feelings don’t work like switches. You can stop talking to someone, unfollow them, even tell yourself it’s over — but your emotions don’t always listen right away. When someone made you feel seen, excited, hopeful, or just something, your brain can replay that connection for a long time, even if nothing's happening now. Here’s how you can start to move forward: 1. Let yourself feel it, without forcing a fix. You don’t have to try to like someone else. Sometimes we do that because we want to “replace” the person or feel like we’re moving on — but it rarely works that way. Give yourself permission to just not like anyone right now. 2. Get curious, not critical. Instead of asking “Why can’t I get over him?”, try: “What was it about him that I really liked?” “What did I hope that connection would give me?” That tells you more about you — and what you value — not just about him. 3. Shift your energy, not your feelings. You might not be able to control who you like or when it fades, but you can decide where you put your focus. Pour into the things that make you feel confident, excited, and yourself — friendships, creative stuff, goals, fun distractions. You’re not waiting for a new crush to fix it — you’re filling your life with things that already make it better. 4. Be gentle with yourself. Missing someone, even someone you haven’t talked to in a long time means you cared. That’s a good thing. That shows heart. Time will help. And in the meantime - You don’t have to rush your feelings. They’ll shift when they’re ready. And one day — probably when you’re not even looking — someone will come along who makes you think, “Oh. This is what I was waiting for.” You’re doing just fine. 💙 LOts of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm scared to have sex for the first time because it might hurt. How do I make it not hurt?

Thanks for such a great and important question — and I’m really glad you asked it. So many people feel scared or unsure about their first time. So let’s talk about it. First things first: It’s completely normal to feel nervous, especially when there’s so much pressure or mystery around what sex is "supposed" to be like. You are not alone in feeling this way. And no — it doesn’t have to hurt. The idea that “the first time is always painful” is more myth than truth. If there is pain, it’s usually because your body isn’t fully ready — not because something is wrong with you. Here's what actually helps: 1. Only do it when you feel ready — not when someone else wants to. Feeling unsure, pressured, or rushed makes your body tense up — and tension makes things uncomfortable. The best way to avoid pain is to be emotionally and physically relaxed. That only happens when it’s your choice, on your terms. 2. Talk about it with your partner. If you can’t talk openly with them — about nerves, protection, or what feels okay — it’s probably not the right time. You deserve someone who listens, checks in, and cares about your comfort. You can say: “This is new for me, so I might need to go slowly and stop if anything doesn’t feel right. Are you okay with that?” If they aren’t — that’s your sign to walk away. 3. Foreplay matters. A lot. Touching, kissing, and just feeling close before anything else helps your body warm up and relax. Rushing into penetration too fast is one of the biggest reasons people feel pain. 4. Use lube. Always. Even if you’re “turned on,” your body might still need a little help — especially when you’re nervous. Lube makes everything smoother, safer, and way more comfortable. 5. Go slow. There’s no finish line. You can stop, laugh, pause, or change your mind at any point. Start with what feels okay — and go at your own pace. Final thing: You’re not doing this to perform. You’re doing it to connect — with yourself and someone you trust. And if that connection isn’t there, it’s completely okay to wait. You’ve got time. You’ve got the right to say yes, no, or not yet. And when the moment’s right — you’ll know. 💙 Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

My friend keeps taking stupid photos of me without my consent. It bothers me but I don't know how to tell her.

Thanks for a great question - It’s totally fair that this bothers you. Even if your friend thinks it’s funny, taking photos of someone without their permission isn’t cool. It’s about consent — and even between friends, that really matters! You don’t have to make a big scene, but you can say something simple like, “Hey, I don’t like it when you take photos of me without asking.” If they’re a real friend, they’ll respect that. If they brush you off or keep doing it, it’s okay to feel annoyed or even take a bit of space. You deserve to feel comfortable around your friends, not on edge that someone’s going to snap a photo you didn’t agree to. best of luck with this, Aunty Hilda xox

My three friends are leaving me out of nearly everything - like they barely talk to me and they don't want to sit at the same table as me. What should I do?

Thank you for asking this question - you are not alone with this experience. That feeling of being left out by your friends really hurts — especially when it’s people who used to be close. I want you to know straight away: you’re not imagining it, and you’re not being too sensitive. Being excluded is painful, and it’s okay to feel upset. If you feel up to it, you could ask one of them what’s going on. Something simple like: “Hey, I’ve noticed I’m being left out a bit lately — is everything okay?” Sometimes people don’t realise how they’re making others feel. But if they keep treating you like this, it’s okay to step back. You don’t need to keep showing up for people who make you feel invisible. Start spending time with those who make you feel included, even if it’s just one person at first. This doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong — sometimes people just grow in different directions. But you deserve friendships where you feel safe, seen, and valued. Take care, love Aunty Hilda xox

Dear Aunty, why did you only give advice to the straight person seeking blow job advice, but not the lesbian person who wanted to know about intercourse positions? That doesn't feel right Aunty.

Thank you for this -I really appreciate you taking the time to point this out. You’re absolutely right to expect fairness and equal care in the way advice is given, no matter someone’s sexuality. In both responses, my intention was to support each person in doing what feels right for them, without pressure, shame, or needing to perform for anyone else. I wanted to centre comfort, consent, and choice — whether the question was about giving oral sex or navigating queer intimacy. That said, I hear you — the person asking about lesbian sex positions should have received just as much detail and support, including trusted resources for learning more. It’s really important to me that every young person feels equally seen and respected, and I’ll make sure that’s reflected in future responses. Everyone deserves guidance that’s relevant, inclusive, and affirming of who they are. Thank you again — calling this out was kind and brave. You’ve helped me do better. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda 🌈💙 xox

Is it true that sneezing is like 1/10th of an orgasm?

Great question - it’s one of those weird facts that gets passed around a lot, but here’s the truth: Sneezing isn’t actually anything like an orgasm in terms of how it works in your body — but people say it because both involve a sudden release of built-up tension, and they can make your body react in a strong, involuntary way (like your eyes closing or your muscles tensing). But that’s where the similarity ends. Orgasm involves a whole lot of complex nerve endings, hormones, emotional context, and physical build-up that sneezing just doesn’t. So nope, not scientifically true — but kind of a funny way people try to describe what sneezing feels like when it’s really satisfying! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I have some things I really want to talk to the counsellor about, but I'm scared she'll judge me for them. What do counsellors actually think when they hear 'bad' stuff?

That’s such a brave question to ask — and you're definitely not the only one who feels that way. Here’s the honest truth: counsellors don’t judge you for the hard stuff. In fact, the things you might think are “bad” are often the exact things counsellors expect to hear — because life is messy, and people struggle with all kinds of thoughts, choices, and experiences. A good counsellor’s job isn’t to sit there and decide if you’re “good” or “bad” — it’s to listen, help you understand what’s going on for you, and support you in working through it safely and honestly. They're trained to hold space for all sorts of things: shame, fear, anger, confusion, secrets, mistakes — all of it. Importantly, you’re not your worst thought or your hardest experience..... If you’re worried, you could even start by saying: "I’ve got something I want to talk about, but I’m really scared you’ll think badly of me." That gives the counsellor a chance to gently show you that you're safe with them. What you're carrying matters. And you don’t have to carry it alone. 💙 Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Why does it seem like everything is about having a boyfriend and being with a boy? It seems like all my friends are just trying to be someone they're not to impress guys who don't care about them anyway and only want one thing. How am I supposed to be me while everyone around me expects me to be someone else?

This is such a powerful and important question — and you’re absolutely not alone in asking it. The truth is, you’re noticing something real - a lot of the world does send the message that girls should care most about getting attention from boys. Movies, music, social media, even some adults — they can all make it feel like your worth depends on being liked, desired, or chosen. That’s exhausting, especially when it makes your friends act like versions of themselves that don’t feel true. But...! You don’t have to shrink yourself or shape-shift to fit in. You being you — thoughtful, questioning and real, is already enough and very powerful. The pressure to impress boys or be in a relationship isn’t coming from inside you — it’s something you’ve been taught to feel. And you’re already doing something incredible by noticing it, questioning it, and choosing to resist it. That takes guts. If your friends are getting caught up in the performance of it all — chasing guys who don’t treat them well, changing themselves to feel liked — it might not be because they really want that life. Sometimes people follow the script they think they should want because they’re scared of being left out or seen as different. But deep down? A lot of them are just as confused or unsure as you are. So how do you stay true to yourself? Trust your instincts. If something feels fake or off, it probably is. You’re allowed to step away from it. Find people who see the real you. Even if it’s just one or two people — look for the ones who laugh with you, not at you, who ask deep questions, and who don’t make you feel like you have to perform. Keep naming the pressure. Talking about this stuff — even journaling or chatting with someone you trust — helps make it feel less heavy and more clear. Know this: it’s not weird to want something different. Wanting to be free to be yourself — not someone else's idea of who you should be — is one of the strongest, wisest things you can want. You're not the problem here. The problem is the pressure — and you’re already rising above it. 💙 Best of luck! Love Aunty Hilda xox

If I have been sexually assaulted and I go to one of the school counsellors about it, do they immediately have to report it back to my parents or would they be able to help me figure out a plan over a week or so to be able to tell them myself?

Thank you for this really important question - I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this, but it's great that you are thinking about what to do next. Counsellors are trained to help you confidentially, to listen, support you and help you find tools for managing. They are not allowed to tell anyone, unless the person is in immediate danger. So if a persons life is at risk, or if the person who sexually assaulted you lives with you, for example, then the counsellor does have to tell someone, in order to help keep you safe. If your situation isn’t considered an immediate danger, the counsellor will work with you to figure out a plan. This could include giving you time and space to decide when and how to tell your parents. They can help you explore the best way to approach this difficult conversation, or even offer to help you talk to your parents or another trusted adult if you feel ready. It’s important to know that you have control over your next steps. If you’re not ready to talk to your parents, the counsellor can support you in exploring what feels safe and manageable for you, including helping you figure out when and how to have that conversation - or other ways that you would like support. This is your journey and your story and no one should take any control away from you. Take care and reach out when you feel ready. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

It seems that so many of my friends are having sexual relationships - but I am just not interested at all. I have crushes and I had a boyfriend for a while, but I'm just not interested in that stuff...... is that normal???

Thank you for asking this really great question! - YES! it’s completely normal! Everyone experiences attraction and relationships in their own way and on their own timeline. There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to feel about relationships or sex. Everyone’s journey is different: Some people feel ready for relationships or sexual experiences early on, while others take their time or feel no interest at all. Just because your friends are getting involved in sexual relationships doesn’t mean you have to follow the same path. Your feelings are valid no matter where you are in your personal journey. Your feelings are unique to you: You might enjoy having crushes, but not feel ready or interested in a romantic relationship, and that’s perfectly fine. There’s no rush to be interested in something just because others are. What matters most is how you feel. You’re allowed to take your time: It’s okay to not be interested in dating or sex right now. There’s no pressure to be in a relationship, and it’s important to make choices that feel right for you. You can have a fulfilling, happy life without feeling the need to be involved in sexual relationships. Talk about it: If you feel unsure or confused, it might help to talk to someone you trust—whether it’s a parent, a close friend, or a counsellor. Sometimes sharing how you’re feeling with someone else can help clarify your thoughts and remind you that it’s okay to be exactly where you are. There's no rush to be anything other than you and what feels right for you - Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I have had a problem lately where I pull out my hair. I've tried fidget toys and stuff, but nothing's working. What can I do?

Hi, thanks for your question - I’m really sorry you’re going through this, but you’re not alone, and it’s great that you’re reaching out. Hair-pulling, known as trichotillomania, can be tough, but there are ways to manage it. Talk to someone you trust: Whether it's a parent, counselor, or therapist, sharing what you're going through can make a big difference. Find healthy distractions: Fidget toys are great, but also try things like knitting, doodling, or learning a new hobby to keep your hands busy. Create a self-care routine: If stress or anxiety triggers the pulling, try activities like walking, journaling, or deep breathing to relax. Use physical barriers: Wearing a headband or tying your hair up can act as a reminder and reduce the urge to pull. Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself. check out www.selfcompassion.org for some awesome resources. Consider professional help: A counsellor can help you work through emotional triggers and offer strategies to stop pulling. You're never alone, there's always someone who can help. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

My Mum keeps trying to push me into doing her diet with her and I really don't want to. I've told her no on multiple occasions, but she either gets mad at me or brushes it off and then keeps bringing it up. How do i tell her "no" without her getting mad at me?

Thank you for a really great question - It sounds really tough, and I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s your body, your choice, and you absolutely have the right to say no to anything that doesn’t feel right for you—whether it’s your mum’s diet or anything else.! Here’s how you could approach it, from a place of self-respect and clear boundaries: 1. Stand firm in your “no” You’ve already told her no multiple times, which is great. Reaffirming your decision is important. You could say, “I understand you want us to do this together, but I’m not comfortable with it, and I don’t want to keep talking about it.” It’s important that you stick to your boundaries, even if she gets upset. Your body is yours to take care of, and that includes choosing what goes in it. 2. Express your feelings clearly If you feel safe doing so, explain why it’s bothering you. You could say, “I feel pressured when you keep bringing this up, and I don’t want to focus on dieting right now. I want to feel comfortable in my body without feeling like I have to follow a specific diet.” This helps her understand that it’s not just about rejecting her idea, but about protecting your own sense of self and well-being. 3. Acknowledge her perspective, but stay true to yourself It’s possible that your mum might be pushing her diet on you because she thinks it will help, but you can acknowledge her concern without agreeing to follow it. You could say, “I know you want me to be healthy, and I appreciate that, but I’m choosing to take care of my body in my own way.” This shows respect for her perspective while clearly asserting your boundaries. 4. Know that it’s okay for her to be upset You can’t control how she reacts, and it’s natural for people to feel frustrated when their expectations aren’t met. But it’s okay for her to be upset, and it’s important for you to maintain your own well-being by sticking to your boundaries. She might need time to process, but your body is yours to decide what happens to it. 5. Talk to someone you trust if it gets difficult If you’re finding it hard to navigate, talking to a trusted adult or even a therapist can help you better understand how to handle these situations. You deserve to have a voice when it comes to decisions about your body, and finding support can help you feel more confident in asserting yourself. It’s important to remember that your value isn’t tied to your body or appearance, and you don’t have to participate in anything that makes you uncomfortable. You deserve to be heard and respected, especially when it comes to decisions about your body.

I struggled a lot last year with friendships and insecurities and it has carried on this year as well. I want to be more positive and I want to be a better person and stop being so insecure and negative about myself. But i don't know how... Got any advice for self hate and being a better person??

Thanks for reaching out with this great question - I’m really sorry you’ve been feeling this way—it sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot, and I can imagine how overwhelming it must be. Wanting to be more positive and overcome insecurities is a big goal, and you’re already doing so much by recognising how you feel and wanting to make a change. Here’s how you can start: 1. Start with self-compassion You mentioned wanting to be a better person, and that’s really admirable. But being kind to yourself is the first step. You don’t need to be perfect. When those feelings of self-hate pop up, try saying something like, “It’s okay to feel like this right now, but I am allowed to grow and change.” Every time you catch a negative thought, turn it around gently. You deserve kindness, especially from yourself. Check out www.selfcompassion.org for some amazing resources and guided meditations. 2. Challenge the negative self-talk When you feel insecure or think “I’m not good enough,” challenge that thought. Ask yourself if that’s truly true. Maybe think of moments when you’ve been kind, smart, or strong—there’s plenty of proof you’re so much more than those negative feelings. Reframing those thoughts can take time, but it’s the foundation of learning to be kinder to yourself. 3. Focus on small positive actions Instead of focusing on big changes, set small goals you can feel good about. Maybe it’s simply saying something positive about yourself each day, like “I’m proud of how I handled that situation today.” Little wins can build your confidence and help you feel more positive about yourself. 4. Surround yourself with support It’s tough to feel positive when the people around you aren’t encouraging. Try to spend time with friends or family who make you feel seen and appreciated. It might also help to distance yourself from situations or people who make you feel insecure. You deserve to be surrounded by people who lift you up. 5. Talk to someone you trust Sometimes, talking to someone about how you're feeling—whether it’s a friend, counsellor, or someone you trust—can really help. You don’t have to carry this on your own. Just expressing what you’re going through can lighten the emotional load. 6. Remember that growth takes time It’s okay if you’re not feeling completely positive right away. Personal growth is a journey, and everyone has setbacks. What matters is that you're acknowledging the need for change, and you're taking small steps to get there. Be patient with yourself—you’re allowed to take your time. You’re worthy of love, acceptance, and feeling good about yourself. You don’t have to be perfect to be enough, and it’s okay to take this one step at a time. Lots of love to you! Aunty Hilda xox

Nothing really hits like realising you're an actually "mean" person. Why am I so mean to people I don't want to be mean to?

Thanks for this really great question - I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way—it’s tough, but recognising that you don’t like how you're acting is a really powerful first step. Everyone has moments where they act in ways they’re not proud of, but the fact that you care about changing is key. 1. Stress and frustration can affect behaviour If you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed, it can make you snap at people, even if you don’t mean to. It’s not about the person you’re being mean to but what you're dealing with inside. Acknowledging these feelings can help you find ways to cope better. 2. Unresolved emotions might come out If you’ve been holding onto anger or negative feelings, they might show up in your behaviour. You’re still learning how to manage your emotions, and it’s okay to make mistakes as you grow. 3. You’re still growing Being mean sometimes doesn’t make you a mean person; it makes you human. What matters is that you want to improve, and that’s something you can definitely work on. 4. Be kinder to yourself Sometimes, we’re mean to others when we’re also hard on ourselves. Being kind to yourself can help you be kinder to others, too. 5. Reflect on your actions When you realise you've been mean, take a moment to think about why you acted that way. Understanding your triggers can help you avoid repeating the behaviour. Apologising to the person you’ve hurt also helps to mend things. 6. Talk to someone you trust If you’re unsure why you’re acting this way, talking to a friend, family member, or counsellor might help. They can offer support or insight into what’s going on. Remember, kindness starts with being kind to yourself. You’ve taken the first step by recognising this, and you can absolutely work towards becoming the person you want to be. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm addicted to vaping what do I do?

Thank you for asking this important question. I’m really sorry you're feeling this way—it’s tough to be in a situation where you’re feeling trapped by something like vaping. The good news is, you’re not alone, and it’s possible to take steps toward quitting. Here are some things you can do: 1. Acknowledge it’s okay to need help The fact that you’re reaching out means you want to make a change, and that’s a huge step. Addiction is hard, and it’s okay to not be able to quit on your own right away. Being honest with yourself about it is really important. 2. Talk to a trusted adult It might feel hard, but talking to someone you trust about it is really important. This could be a parent, a school counsellor, or a health professional. They can help you make a plan and find the support you need to quit. There are also professionals who specialise in helping with addiction, and they can give you tools to manage cravings and guide you through the process. 3. Set small, achievable goals Instead of focusing on quitting all at once, set smaller goals. For example, try cutting back by limiting the number of times you vape each day, or set a target to go one day without it. Gradual changes can help your body adjust and make quitting feel more manageable. 4. Find healthier distractions A big part of addiction is using the habit as a way to cope with stress or boredom. Try to find something else to do when you feel the urge to vape—whether it’s something active, like going for a walk, or something creative, like drawing or writing. Keeping your hands and mind busy can help distract you from the cravings. there are also places online you can go for help - Quitline NZ- www.quit.org.nz or you can text them on 4006. www.smokefree.org.nz www.vapingfacts.health.nz Good on you for reaching out - you've got this! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Is it normal to have discharge and is it normal for it to be different at different times?

That's such a great question, and one that people sometimes worry about - it’s totally normal to have discharge, and it can actually be a good sign that your body is working the way it should! Discharge is a natural part of your body’s process, and it helps keep the vagina clean and healthy by flushing out dead cells and bacteria. Here’s why discharge changes at different times: Throughout your menstrual cycle: Discharge can vary depending on where you are in your cycle. Around ovulation (the middle of your cycle), you might notice more discharge that is clear, stretchy, and a bit like egg whites. This is normal and helps sperm travel more easily if you were to get pregnant. Before and after your period: Right before your period, you might notice a little more discharge, and after your period, it can be thicker or more sticky. This is all part of the natural changes in your hormones. In response to different things: Stress, exercise, or changes in diet can also affect how much discharge you have. So, yes, it’s completely normal for it to be different at different times of the month. If the discharge has an unusual smell, colour (like green or yellow), or is accompanied by itching or irritation, it’s worth talking to a Dr just to make sure everything’s okay. But in general, discharge is a normal and healthy part of your body :) Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I've started puberty and my breasts are really sore and I feel like there's something wrong with me. They feel hard and one is bigger than the other.

Thank you for asking such a great question :) First of all, I want you to know that everything you're feeling is completely normal, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Puberty is a big change for your body, and it can bring up a lot of new feelings and experiences, but you’re not alone in this! Here’s what’s going on: Breast development: As you go through puberty, your breasts will develop at different rates. It’s common for one breast to be a little bigger than the other, and this can change as time goes on. Sometimes, this imbalance lasts for a while, but it usually evens out over time. Soreness: It’s also normal for your breasts to feel sore or tender as they grow. Your body is adjusting, and the tissue is changing to form the shape of your adult breasts. This soreness can come and go, and it should get better as your body settles into these changes. Hardness: Sometimes, as your breasts develop, you might notice lumps or bumps that feel hard or uneven. These are often just part of the development process, but if you're feeling concerned or if they don’t go away after a while, it’s always good to ask a trusted adult, like a parent, to help you check in with a doctor or a nurse. Sometimes it can help to wear a supportive bra, which helps protect your breasts and can help with pain and tenderness. Talk to an adult or someone older who can reassure you - it sounds like your body is doing exactly what it should be doing!! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm going to my first party this weekend and I'm really nervous. My friends are planning to drink a lot and get with boys. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.

Thanks for a great question - going to your first party can feel like a really big deal and it's awesome you are thinking about how to manage it. 1. Trust your own feelings You don’t have to do anything that doesn’t feel right for you. Just because your friends are planning to drink or get with boys doesn’t mean you have to follow along. Your body, your rules! It’s okay to decide what you’re comfortable with, whether it’s not drinking or not getting involved with anything you’re not ready for. 2. Set boundaries Before you go, think about your boundaries. What are you okay with, and what are you not comfortable with? It’s a good idea to have a clear understanding of what feels right for you. If your friends start pushing you to do something you’re not ready for, it’s totally okay to say “no” or step away from the situation. You can always use phrases like, “I’m just not in the mood for that” or “I’m good with these drinks, thanks.” 3. Stick with your friends It’s easy to feel pressure when you’re at a party, but you’re not alone. Stay close to friends who respect your choices and support you. If you feel uncomfortable or want to leave, you can always find someone to go with you. Having a buddy system can make things feel a lot safer and more fun. 4. Don’t feel pressured to drink If your friends are planning to drink a lot, it’s okay to opt out. You can still have fun without alcohol. You could bring your own non alcoholic drinks so you don’t feel like you're standing out. And if someone offers you a drink you don’t want, it’s totally fine to say, “I’m good, thanks.” 5. Trust your instincts If something doesn’t feel right at the party—whether it’s the vibe, a conversation, or a situation—you don’t have to stick around. Listen to your gut, and if you feel uncomfortable, don’t be afraid to leave or take a break. You’re in control of your night, and you should feel safe and respected. Having your parents on board with picking you up when you text them is a really good idea - and don't worry about leaving early - whatever you think, no one cares! (or minds) 6. Have fun, but stay safe Parties can be a lot of fun! Enjoy hanging out with your friends. and focus on having fun in a way that feels true to you, without feeling pressured to do anything you’re not ready for. Your experience will be much more enjoyable when you’re confident in the choices you’re making. Have fun! You're in charge of your decisions and your body. No one else. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I have a boyfriend and I would never want to break up with him, but I really want to see what it would be like with a girl. I can't stop thinking about him as a girl when we are together. I don't know what to do.

Thanks for a really great question - It sounds like you're feeling a bit conflicted, and that's completely normal when you're starting to explore your feelings and desires. it’s totally okay to have different thoughts and feelings about your sexuality, and it doesn’t mean you have to make an immediate decision. What matters is understanding your own feelings and being honest with yourself and your partner. 1. Understand that your feelings are valid It’s okay to feel curious about what it might be like to be with someone of a different gender, even if you’re in a relationship with someone you care about. Sexuality can be fluid, and it’s natural for people to question their feelings and desires. Having these thoughts doesn’t mean you don’t love your boyfriend or want to break up with him—it just means you’re exploring your own identity. 2. Think about what you really want It’s important to reflect on what you’re looking for in your relationship with your boyfriend and your curiosity about exploring with someone else. Do you feel like this curiosity is something you want to explore openly, or is it more of a passing thought? What does being with a girl mean to you, and how does that fit into your current relationship? 3. Talk to your boyfriend If you feel ready and comfortable, having an honest conversation with your boyfriend about your feelings could help you both understand each other better. Relationships are built on trust and communication, so sharing what you're feeling—without necessarily saying you want to break up or pursue a relationship with someone else—can be an important part of growing together. You don’t have to have all the answers, but talking openly can help you both navigate this together. 4. Give yourself time You don’t have to make a decision right now. Sexuality is complex, and it’s okay to take your time figuring it out. Allow yourself the space to explore your feelings, whether that's through talking to trusted friends, reading, or just reflecting on what feels right for you. There’s no rush, and it’s important to understand what you truly want and need before making any decisions. 5. Respect your boundaries and your relationship If you're unsure about your feelings and don’t want to hurt your boyfriend, you can still explore your feelings in a way that respects both yourself and the relationship. It might be helpful to think about what the boundaries are in your relationship and whether exploring those feelings is something you want to do in a way that doesn’t affect your current bond. Ultimately, it’s about figuring out what’s best for you and being true to your feelings, whether that means talking to your boyfriend or taking time to understand your own desires. It’s okay to be curious and explore, but it’s also important to ensure that whatever you choose aligns with your values, your relationship, and your own well-being. Take your time with it - all the best Love Aunty Hilda xox

How do I tell my parents I have had a boyfriend for the past three months?

Thanks for sending this through :) It can feel nerve-wracking to tell your parents about having a boyfriend, but it's great that you're being honest with yourself and thinking about how to communicate openly with them. 1. Pick a good time Choose a time when your parents are calm and when you can have a private conversation. You want to make sure they’re able to listen and have a meaningful discussion with you. 2. Be honest and straightforward You don’t need to make it a big, scary speech. Just start by saying something like, “I’ve been hanging out with this guy every now and then for the past three months, and I wanted to let you know.” It’s simple and to the point, and it opens the door for them to ask questions if they want to. 3. Talk about your boyfriend It’s helpful to give them a little bit of context. You can talk about how you met, what you like about him, and why he’s important to you. This helps them understand that this is something meaningful for you. 4. Be ready for questions Your parents might have questions or want to know more, and that’s okay. Be prepared for them to ask things like, “How did you meet?” or “What do you like about him?” You don’t have to have every answer, but being open and honest with them will help them feel more comfortable. 5. Acknowledge their feelings If they’re surprised, they might need time to process the news. Let them know you understand they might have questions or concerns, but that you wanted to be honest with them. 6. Respect their rules If your parents have rules or concerns about your relationship, be open to listening and discussing them. You don’t have to agree on everything, but it’s important to have mutual respect and communicate clearly. The most important thing is that you’re being open with them. It shows maturity and responsibility, and it helps build trust. It's completely normal to like someone and to want to spend time with them - you haven't done anything wrong and keeping communication open with your parents is a great thing to do. All the best! Love Aunty Hilda xox

I've liked this guy for ages, but I'm too scared to message him because what if he doesn't like me back?

Great question! I totally understand how you're feeling—it’s really nerve-wracking to put yourself out there, especially when you like someone so much. - But it’s normal to feel scared, and you’re not alone in feeling this way. Here are a few tips.... 1. Take a deep breath and be kind to yourself It’s totally okay to feel nervous. Liking someone can make us feel vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It’s brave to express how you feel, even if you’re unsure of the outcome. The most important thing is that you’re being honest with yourself. 2. Don’t overthink the "what ifs" It’s easy to get stuck thinking about all the possible reasons why it might not work out, but you won’t know until you try. Not messaging him might feel safe, but it also means you won’t know if there’s a chance he feels the same. You’re allowed to take a chance—you deserve to know either way! 3. Start simple If you’re worried about what to say, you don’t have to dive in with something huge. Start with a casual message—something light and easy that can spark a conversation. You could say something like, "Hey, how’s it going?" or "I saw something today that reminded me of you!"Just give something simple a go. 4. Remember, rejection doesn’t define you If he doesn’t feel the same way, it might sting for a bit, but it doesn’t reflect who you are or make you any less awesome. Rejection is a normal part of life, and it’s something everyone goes through at some point. The most important thing is to remember that you are worthy of someone who likes you for exactly who you are. 5. Trust your gut If you feel like you want to message him, trust that feeling. You’re the one in control of your decisions, and it’s okay to take a step forward. Whether he likes you back or not, you’ll feel better knowing you were true to yourself and took the chance. You don’t have to rush or pressure yourself. It’s okay to feel scared, but don’t let fear stop you from going after what you want! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I was dating this guy, but when we broke up he called me horrible names and is denying that we ever dated. What should I do?

Thanks for your question - I’m really sorry you're going through this—it sounds hurtful and confusing, especially when someone you cared about behaves that way. Here's how you can handle this situation: 1. Acknowledge that his behaviour is about him, not you When someone calls you horrible names or denies a relationship, it's usually a reflection of their own immaturity or inability to handle things like a breakup properly. It’s not a reflection of your worth. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way, and it’s important to remind yourself that this isn’t about who you are as a person. 2. Set boundaries with him If he's being hurtful and you feel like he's not being respectful, it’s okay to cut off communication with him for your own peace of mind. You don’t need to engage with someone who makes you feel bad, especially when they’re denying the truth and being rude. It’s important to protect your mental and emotional well-being. 3. Talk to someone you trust It can really help to talk to a friend, family member, or a trusted adult about what’s going on. Sometimes getting an outside perspective can help you process things and remind you of the healthy ways to move forward. 4. Let go of what you can't control You can’t control what he says or does, but you can control how you react. Try not to let his actions continue to affect how you feel about yourself. Focus on your own healing and the people who treat you with kindness and respect. 5. Give yourself time to heal Breakups are hard, especially when someone behaves cruelly. It’s okay to feel upset and hurt by the way things ended. Give yourself the time you need to heal, and focus on doing things that make you feel good and supported. This might mean focusing on your hobbies, spending time with supportive friends, or doing things that bring you joy. 6. Know your worth This situation doesn’t define you. His behaviour might have been hurtful, but it doesn’t change who you are. You deserve respect, kindness, and honesty from people you’re close to. This is just a chapter, and you'll move forward stronger. Take care of yourself, and focus on the people and things that make you feel supported and valued. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm curious about the pride books in the library but I'm scared to get one out in case people in my class make fun of me. Do you have any advice?

Thanks for raising this great question - I completely understand how you're feeling—it can be tough when you're interested in something but you're worried about what others might think. But remember, your curiosity is valid, and it’s important to explore things that interest you, especially when it comes to learning about pride and understanding different perspectives. Here are some ideas that might be useful..... 1. Talk to Mrs. Ranby, the librarian If you're worried about people seeing you check out the book, Mrs. Ranby, the librarian, can be a big help! She’s there to support you, and she can set the book aside for you to collect after school, so you don’t have to worry about anyone seeing. This way, you can take your time to explore the book without feeling rushed or self-conscious. 2. Remember that curiosity is a good thing It’s awesome that you want to learn more about pride and LGBTQ+ topics. Being curious and open-minded is something to be proud of, and the library is a safe space for all kinds of learning. Books like these are there to help educate and help people understand different experiences. 3. Focus on what feels right for you What matters most is what you feel comfortable with. If checking out the book feels scary, just remind yourself that your interests are yours to explore. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone— 4. Don’t let others dictate your interests If anyone does make fun of you, remember that it says more about them than it does about you. People might not understand things they’re unfamiliar with, but that doesn’t make your curiosity any less valid. You deserve to explore what interests you without fear of judgment. All the best to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

At the moment there is a girl in our year who is always rude to me and my friends - can you help?

Thanks for your question - I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this—it’s tough when someone is being rude all the time. Here’s some advice that might help: Don’t take it personally: Sometimes people are rude because they’re having a bad day or going through stuff that has nothing to do with you. That doesn’t make it okay, but it can help you understand that her behaviour is about her, not you. Stay calm: If she’s rude to you, try to stay calm. Don’t let her see that she’s upset you. When you stay calm, it shows that her rudeness doesn’t control you. Set boundaries: If she keeps being rude, it’s okay to say something like, “I don’t like it when you talk to me like that,” or “Please don’t speak to me that way.” It’s important to stand up for yourself. Talk to her (if you feel safe): If you feel comfortable, you can try talking to her. Let her know how her behaviour makes you feel. Sometimes people don’t realise how their words hurt others. Tell someone you trust: If this continues and it’s making you feel upset or uncomfortable, it’s important to talk to someone you trust—like a teacher, school counsellor, or even your parents. They can help you figure out what to do next. Stick with your friends: It’s easier to handle someone being rude when you have friends who support you. Spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself and remember that you deserve respect. It’s not your fault, and you have every right to stand up for yourself. No one should make you feel bad about who you are xx, love Aunty Hilda xox

I feel like no one cares about me. My parents always say they love me, but they never show it and always favour my sister. Also all my friends went to a different school and I have no one. My schedule is so busy every day and my parents won't let me quit anything and life is just too overwhelming. Any ideas on what to do??

Thanks for asking this question - I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this—it sounds like you're dealing with a lot at once, and it’s no wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed. When you feel like no one cares about you, it can make everything else seem even harder. Here are some ideas that might help: 1. Find someone who does listen It can be hard when it feels like your parents aren’t showing support the way you need. Since you’re not feeling heard by them, it might help to talk to someone outside of the situation who can listen to what you’re going through. This could be a school counsellor, a teacher you trust, or a family member like an aunt or older sibling. Having someone validate how you’re feeling can be a huge relief. 2. Take small breaks for yourself With your schedule being so busy, it sounds like you never get a chance to just breathe. While it might not feel like you can quit anything right now, see if there’s a way to carve out small moments for yourself—even just 10 or 15 minutes each day. Use this time to do something that helps you recharge, whether it’s listening to music, reading, or just sitting quietly. Small breaks can help you manage stress and give you a little bit of control over your time. 3. Focus on what you can control When everything feels overwhelming, it can help to focus on the things you can control. This might be organising your day in a way that feels manageable or setting a few small goals that are more within your reach. It could also be about setting boundaries in your social life—if you're feeling distant from friends who went to different schools, maybe there’s a way to keep in touch that feels better for you, like text check-ins or weekend meetups. Feeling like you have some control over your time and choices might help you feel more grounded. 4. Look for support outside your immediate circle I know you mentioned that your friends are at a different school, but are there people at your current school—maybe in your class, or even a club or group you’re part of—that could help you feel more connected? It’s hard to feel alone, and making one or two new connections can really help. Sometimes, just talking to someone who isn’t in your close circle can offer fresh perspectives and new ways of thinking about what you’re going through. 5. Know that you're not alone in feeling this way It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, especially when it seems like the people closest to you aren’t showing support the way you need. You’re not the only one going through this, and it’s okay to feel unsure about what to do. The key thing is to remember that you matter and you’re important. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it, there are people who care, and there are ways to feel better. Life can be really tough when you feel like you're on your own, but you don’t have to keep everything bottled up. Reach out when you feel ready, and take small steps to focus on what makes you feel safe, heard, and cared for. All the best to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I feel like my parents are having sex in their office and they make up a bunch of lies so I won't find out. I don't want to talk to them about it... what should I do?

Thank you for asking this question, it sounds like this is feeling awkward and uuncomfortable, which is a completley normal thing to feel. Even though it's awkward to think about, parents having sex is a normal part of a healthy relationship. It's also a private part of their relationship together and something they weren't meaning for you to become aware of. Here are a few things that might help - It sounds like you're feeling uncomfortable and confused about what’s happening, and that’s totally understandable. It can be really awkward when you start noticing things about your parents' private lives that you’re not sure how to handle. Here's what you can do: Remember, your parents are human too: It’s normal for parents to have their own private lives, and while it might feel weird, they still deserve their privacy just like you do. Adults have relationships and boundaries that may be different from what you're used to seeing, and it’s okay to feel uncomfortable. It’s okay not to know everything: You don’t have to understand everything about your parents' relationship or feel the need to know all the details. Their private life is something for them, and just because you’ve noticed something doesn’t mean you have to confront it or figure it all out right away. Set boundaries for yourself: If you’re feeling overwhelmed by what you think is happening, it’s okay to give yourself space from it. You can focus on your own interests or activities and try not to let their private lives distract you from what you need to focus on. Talk to a trusted adult: If the situation is making you really uncomfortable or you feel like you need more guidance, consider talking to another trusted adult—like a school counselor or a family member. Sometimes getting an outside perspective can help clear things up and give you advice on how to navigate these feelings. Don’t feel like you need to talk to them about it if you’re not ready: It’s okay to feel like you don’t want to discuss it with them right now. When you’re ready, and if you feel it’s necessary, you can always have an open conversation with them. But for now, it’s okay to just focus on yourself and what feels best for you. All the best to you, love Aunty Hilda xox

How do you have sex and not make it hurt and how can I get my boyfriend to touch my g spot?

Thanks for your awesome question. It's a really normal thing to be concerned about sex hurting the first time, but sex shouldn't be painful. Sometimes certain positions can be uncomfortable, so it's important to communicate that with your partner so you can be more comfortable. It's important to be adequately lubricated, so making sure you take time to warm up with foreplay and getting into the zone is helpful. There's no research to show that the g-spot exists, but rather it's probably an internal part of the clitoral network. The main thing is always to do what feels right for you, and to do what feels good for you and your partner. All the best, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

My boyfriend doesn't like using condoms and I'm scared I will get pregnant, but my Mum won't let me use birth control. I bought condoms but my boyfriend poked holes in them :( What should I do?

Thank you for your really important question. This sounds like a really difficult and frustrating position to be in. It sounds like your boyfriend is being very disrespectful to your bodt and your wishes. Being with someone who doesn't respect your wishes in a sexual relationship is a really concerning situation and that is not someone you can trust to have your best interest at heart. Using a condom is for more than just pregnancy prevention, it protects you from sexually transmitted infections and serious complications coming from those diseases. Maybe you could talk to your GP or sexual wellbeing, Aotearoa (0800 463 654 )for advice on keeping yourself safe. Even though your mum isn't on board with contraception, you are legally allowed to access confidential advice and birth control at any age in NZ. This is your rights and your health: Your body, your choice. If your boyfriend doesn’t want to use condoms, that’s his choice, but you have every right to insist on using them for your protection. If he’s not willing to respect your boundaries, that’s a serious issue. Your safety, health, and comfort should be the priority in any relationship, and no one should ever pressure you into sex without protection. You're allowed to stand up for yourself and your health, and there are people who can help you navigate this situation safely. Lots of love, AUnty Hilda xox

How often should I be showering and washing my hair? I'm not sure if I smell to other people and what a normal hygiene routine would look like.

That's a great question, especially when our bodies change so much during and after puberty. A general rule for teenagers would be to shower every day and extra if you exercise, play sport or if it's hot. Washing your hair about twice a week or more if you have greasy hair is a good idea, because it can smell bad too. Using deodorant daily is important and don't forget to change your sheets every week or two. Washing your clothes regularly is really important too. Teeth brushing morning and night! It's a great thing to be thinking about - these things can creep up on us and affect how we feel. Heres a quick example of a daily routine - Shower: Every day or every other day, focusing on the key areas (armpits, feet, and intimate areas). Wash hair: 2-3 times a week, or more if you have oily hair. Deodorant: Use it daily to keep sweat and odour under control. Brush teeth: Twice a day and flossing too! Change clothes: Fresh underwear and socks every day. Sheets and PJs: Change your sheets every 1-2 weeks, and wear clean pyjamas. Feeling clean and fresh is good! Best of luck! Aunty Hilda xox

Hi, I have a question about the birth control rod - I've had the rod for 5+ years and it's past its expiry date - and I no longer need birth control and I don't want it to be replaced) Do i HAVE to get it removed or can it just stay in my body for the rest of my life? If I don't get it removed will it cause problems?

Thanks for a really interesting question - if your birth control rod (implant) is past its expiry date and you no longer need birth control, it is still important to get it removed. Even though you no longer need it for contraception, leaving it in your body after the expiry date isn’t recommended. Here’s why: Continued Hormonal Release: The implant still releases hormones into your body, even if you no longer need contraception. Over time, this could cause side effects like mood changes, irregular bleeding, headaches, or other hormonal imbalances. These effects could persist if you leave the implant in. Potential Health Risks: While it’s unlikely to cause major problems, leaving the implant in after its expiry date could potentially lead to complications such as infection or inflammation around the implant site, especially if the implant is left in too long. Harder to Remove Later: The longer you wait to remove the implant, the more difficult it could become to take out, especially if the surrounding tissue has changed over time. To avoid any possible complications, getting it removed is the best advice. Best of luck, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I haven't had my period yet and I'm nervous about it. Do you have any tips?

Thanks for a great question that affects every student in our kura! It’s natural: Your period is a part of growing up, and it’s a sign that your body is going through changes. You might start noticing some signs before it happens, like feeling a bit more tired or having mood swings, but these aren’t the same for everyone. Be prepared: It can help to have some supplies on hand, like pads or tampons, just in case. If you're at school and need them, there are pads and tampons available in the school toilets, so you don’t need to worry about running out. You can also check out the period section on Ask Aunty Hilda—it’s full of stories from other auntys about how they experienced their first period. You might find it comforting and helpful to read their experiences. There are tracking apps you can use - like Luna period tracker and MagicGirl even before you get your period that can help you make sense of where you are at. Talking to someone always helps :) We've all been there and it's going to be ok for you too! Aunty Hilda knows you've got this! Lots of love, xoxox

At the moment my parents make me feel like they want me to be the perfect daughter - can you help me?

Thanks for a really great question - you are definitely not alone in this feeling. It sounds like you're feeling a lot of pressure to be the "perfect" daughter, and that can really weigh on you. It’s totally understandable that you want to make your parents happy, but you don’t have to be perfect to do that. You deserve to be loved for who you are, not just for meeting expectations. Here are some things to think about: It's okay to not be perfect: No one is perfect, not even your parents. We all have flaws and make mistakes, and that’s what makes us human. You don’t have to live up to an impossible standard to be worthy of love and respect. Talking to them might help: If you’re feeling up to it, try talking to your parents about how their expectations are affecting you. They might not even realise they’re putting that pressure on you, and a simple conversation could help them understand where you're coming from. Setting boundaries is important: It’s perfectly okay to say no when things get too much. You don’t always have to be everything for everyone, and it’s important to take care of your own needs. Boundaries help you stay healthy and keep a good balance in your relationships. You’re not alone: Many people, especially teens, feel like they have to be something they’re not to meet someone else's standards. You don’t have to be perfect, and you certainly don’t have to do everything right all the time. What matters is that you’re trying your best, and that's enough. Focus on what makes you happy: It’s really important to explore what makes you feel good and fulfilled, not just what others want for you. Whether it’s school, hobbies, or your friendships—make sure you’re doing things that feel true to who you are. Don’t forget self-care: Make time for yourself. Whether it’s reading, chatting with a friend, or just chilling out, make sure you're doing things that help you feel recharged. You deserve it. If it ever feels overwhelming, talking to someone else—like a counsellor or someone you trust—could be helpful. Remember, you don’t need to be perfect to be loved and valued for who you are. Best of luck with this - lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Sometimes I get horny in public places, what should I do about getting my feelings out?

Thanks for a really honest question that I'm sure a lot of people can relate to at some point. It's totally normal to experience sexual feelings, and it's okay to acknowledge them, even in public spaces. However, when these feelings come up in public, it’s important to handle them in a way that respects your boundaries and the space around you. Here are a few things that might help you navigate these moments: Acknowledge the feeling: First off, know that it’s completely natural to feel that way. Sexual feelings are a part of being human, and everyone experiences them at different times. Don’t judge yourself for it. Being at school or in another social environment can make it feel overwhelming, so being able to distract yourself and get a breath of fresh air might be a good idea. Maybe knowing that you can release that tension later through masturbation is a helpful thought - doing that in a safe and private space is important for everyones boundaries. And maybe learning to understand your emotions and why you might feel like this. Sometimes those feelings can come up because we are bored or stressed, or even because of the environment. Learning to understand ourselves is always a great step in our development at any age. All the very best! LOts of love, Aunty Hilda xoo

I want to have sex, but I'm really scared to get down there waxed and know that it's clean - how do I do this comfortably?

Thanks for a really great question - It’s completely normal to feel nervous about preparing for sex, but remember that there’s no "right" way to do it. You don’t need to follow trends or what you see online or in the media. If you’re considering waxing, take your time and decide if it’s something you really want to do, knowing that it can be painful. You can also try shaving or trimming if that feels better for you. If you choose waxing, go to a professional and ask about aftercare to minimize irritation. When it comes to cleanliness, don’t stress—just shower if that makes you feel fresh. What matters is doing what makes you feel comfortable, not what others expect. The key is to focus on what you want for your body, not what anyone else thinks you should do. Take things at your own pace and communicate openly with your partner about any concerns. Ultimately, feeling confident in your own choices is what matters most. Best of luck to you, love Aunty Hilda xox

I want to have sex but I'm worried he'll see the discharge in my underwear. What should I do?

Thanks for such a great question - Discharge is a normal part of your body’s cycle, and it happens naturally to keep your vagina clean and healthy. It can change depending on where you are in your cycle, and that’s completely natural. Women shouldn’t feel ashamed of how their bodies work—our bodies are incredible, and everything they do is part of being healthy. If you’re worried, wearing a pantyliner can help you feel more comfortable, but it’s not necessary. Most guys won’t notice, and if they do, they won’t care. You could also shower or change into fresh underwear if that makes you feel better. Just remember, it’s all part of your body’s natural processes, and there’s no reason to feel self-conscious about it. Embrace your body and feel confident in what it does. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

Hi Aunty, this might be silly, but I made out and did some things with a guy I really shouldn't have done that with and I have a huge guilty feeling for some reason. How can I get rid of this? xx

Thanks for this great question - I totally get why you’re feeling guilty, but remember, your feelings are valid. It’s not silly at all. The guilt you’re feeling could be for a few different reasons—maybe the person you were with was someone else’s boyfriend, or perhaps you weren’t ready for that level of intimacy. You might also feel guilty because you felt pressured, or maybe you had too much to drink and weren’t fully in control of the situation. Any of these things can make you feel conflicted afterward. Here are a few things to keep in mind: Reflect on your feelings: Take some time to think about why you feel guilty. Is it because the situation didn’t align with your boundaries or values? Did you feel like you might have hurt someone else, or that you acted in a way that didn’t fully reflect who you want to be? Understanding where the guilt is coming from can help you process it. Own your feelings: It’s okay to have mixed emotions. Whatever happened, acknowledging how you feel is the first step in moving through those emotions. Talk it out: If you feel comfortable, talking to someone you trust about what happened can help. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or counsellor, opening up can make it easier to process what’s going on in your head. Set your own boundaries moving forward: Use this as an opportunity to think about what you want in future situations. What are your boundaries? What makes you feel safe and respected? Understanding these things can help you make decisions that align with what you truly want. Let go of perfection: Don’t be too hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes or ends up in situations they wish hadn’t happened. What matters is how you learn from it and what you do next. You’re not defined by one moment—it’s part of growing and figuring things out. These things can feel so awful, but they are also the things that make us who we are and create a colourful tapestry. Be gentle on yourself, Lots of love to you always, Aunty Hilda xox

I don't know what to because my boyfriend and I have tried to have sex but his penis actually won't fit. I feel embarrassed. What should I do?

Thanks for asking this really great question :) First of all, I want to say that it’s completely normal to feel embarrassed, but this situation is more common than you might think, and it’s important not to feel bad about it. Here are a few things to keep in mind: Bodies don’t always fit perfectly: Not every body or sexual experience is the same, and sometimes it can take a little time and patience to figure things out. It’s possible that your bodies just need a bit more time to adjust, or that you need to try different positions or methods to feel more comfortable. Take your time: It’s okay if things don’t happen right away. Sexual intimacy isn’t just about penetration—it’s about connection, communication, and being patient with each other. You don’t need to rush. Focus on feeling relaxed and comfortable with each other. Lubrication: Sometimes, if the vagina isn’t lubricated enough, it can make penetration more difficult. Using a good quality water-based lubricant might help make things smoother and more comfortable for both of you. Communication is key: Have an open conversation with your boyfriend about how you’re both feeling. It’s important that you both feel comfortable and not rushed or pressured. Talking about what feels good and what doesn’t can make things easier and reduce any embarrassment. It’s normal to feel awkward: Many people go through similar experiences, especially if they’re new to sex. It’s a learning process, and you don’t have to have everything figured out right away. The most important thing is that you’re both respecting each other’s boundaries and comfort levels. Don’t compare to others: There’s a lot of pressure in the media and from other people about what sex “should” look like, but there’s no one-size-fits-all. Your experiences are unique, and that’s perfectly okay. Most importantly, remember that you don’t have to rush into anything you’re not ready for. It’s about discovering what works for you and your partner, and taking things at your own pace. Lots of love to you and all the best, Aunty Hilda xox

My friend tried to make out with me at a party and take my pants off, but I'm not into girls. What should I do?

Thank you for your great question. It sounds like you were in a really uncomfortable situation, and it’s important to trust your feelings and boundaries. If you're not into girls and didn't want things to go further, that's completely valid. You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with, no matter who it is. It's okay to be clear and assertive about your boundaries, telling your friend something like, "I'm not into girls, and I don’t want to take things further." If you're feeling unsure or uncomfortable, step away from the situation if you can, and find a trusted friend to talk to. If you feel up to it, having a conversation with your friend later to explain how you felt and clarify that you're not interested can help avoid any confusion or hurt feelings. Remember, you shouldn’t feel guilty for not being interested in someone in that way—your boundaries are always valid, and you should be in situations where you're respected and comfortable. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

Hi Aunty Hilda, I need ways to lose weight very fast because I keep getting called fat by people and even my family. I just want to like my body and not be embarrassed to wear shorts or tight stuff. Please give me actual tips and not just stuff where it says "love who you are" I need real tips.

Thank you for your really important question. I'm really sorry that you have had to experience this. First, let me be clear: NO ONE should ever make you feel like your body is not enough as it is. People who make comments about your body are being rude, ignorant, and completely disrespectful. Women should never have to shrink themselves, take up less space, or alter their appearance to meet someone else’s idea of beauty. Your body, in all its forms, is worthy, and you should never feel less valuable because of how others view you. The fact that they feel entitled to comment on your body is their issue, not yours. Your body is yours alone—and you get to decide what makes you feel good, strong, and healthy. There’s no “perfect” body shape that determines your worth. So, let’s focus on what YOU can do to feel strong and energised, regardless of other people’s narrow-minded opinions. Here are some tips that will help you make health-conscious choices that respect your body, without letting anyone else’s negativity control how you feel about yourself. Healthy Eating Tips: Focus on whole, nutrient-dense foods: Choose foods that nourish and fuel you, not just those that help you lose weight fast. Fill your plate with whole grains (like brown rice, quinoa, and oats), lean proteins (like chicken, tofu, and beans), healthy fats (avocado, nuts, seeds), and lots of vegetables and fruits. These foods will give you the energy you need without depriving your body of what it needs to thrive. Avoid diets that shame you: Diet culture is toxic—it tells you your worth is tied to your size and that you should restrict or starve yourself to meet current beauty standards. This isn’t the solution. Instead of worrying about what you can’t eat, focus on what you can eat that makes you feel good—foods that are rich in vitamins, minerals, and other nutrients your body needs. Practice mindful eating: Listen to your body. When you're hungry, eat—when you’re full, stop. Don’t let anyone tell you how much food you "should" have. Enjoy your food and feel the satisfaction of nourishing your body, rather than focusing on external expectations. Stay hydrated: Water is your best friend. Drinking plenty of water helps your body function properly and can also help with energy and digestion. Avoid sugary drinks and excessive caffeine—your body doesn’t need them. Make food fun: Find recipes that excite you and make you feel good about what you’re eating. Explore different cuisines and cooking techniques. Eating healthy doesn't have to be bland or boring—experiment with new flavours and enjoy the process of cooking for yourself. You are wonderful and beautiful. Always and All Ways! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I think I might be addicted to porn. Is it bad to watch it? I feel guilty.

Thanks for a really great question. It’s not uncommon to feel conflicted or guilty about watching porn, especially when you're questioning whether it’s affecting you negatively. First, it’s important to know that you're not alone in feeling this way—many people go through similar experiences. Watching porn isn't inherently bad, but it can become problematic if it starts to interfere with your daily life, relationships, or how you view yourself and others. One of the issues with porn is that it often portrays unrealistic and unhealthy depictions of sex, where women are frequently objectified or treated in ways that don’t reflect mutual respect. This can shape how you view relationships, sex, and even how you treat others. If you feel like it's affecting your mental health, relationships, or your ability to connect with others, it might be worth exploring why it has become such a big part of your life. If you’re feeling guilty, it’s worth asking yourself why. Do you feel that it’s against your values? Does it make you feel disconnected from your own sense of sexuality? It’s important to reflect on how it’s impacting you personally. It’s also worth considering how often you're watching it and whether it's becoming a way of avoiding real-life connections or emotions. It’s okay to seek help if you feel that watching porn is becoming a habit or addiction you can’t control. Talking to someone you trust, like a counsellor can help you process these feelings without judgment. You have every right to explore your sexuality, but it’s also important to ensure that what you're doing feels healthy and positive for you. Everyone’s relationship with sexuality is different, and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. What matters is how it affects you and your well-being. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I met a guy on omegle who really wants to meet up with me in real life and wants me to come alone - I need help deciding what to do......

This is a great question - and it sounds to me like you already have a strong sense of it not being quite ok. Thays a really good feeling to notice! NEVER ignore that little voice that tells you something is off. It's real and it's there to help you and protect you. You already know from lots of times hearing it that you should NEVER meet someone you've met online, irl alone. If you do decide to meet - take a friend or two, tell people where you are going and have an exit plan. A respectful and trustworthy person wouldn't ask you to come alone and your instincts have already alerted you to that. Take care, always and do what YOU know is right. Consider the risks carefully and plan for them. My best Aunty Advice is never meet someone from an online platform alone...... take care, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm really struggling with my home life right now and then I come to school and have to be around a bunch of people who I don't think actually like me. Everything just makes me feel so overwhelmed and I just want to get out - what can I do?

Thanks for sharing your really important question. I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way—it sounds really overwhelming. A lot of people experience this kind of feeling, where all parts of their life seem rotten for a time. It's hard - but it will get better xx - here are some things you might try..... Take small breaks: Find moments during the day to step away, whether it’s a quick walk or sitting in a quiet spot. These short breaks can help reset your mind. Talk to someone you trust: Maybe the counsellor, or a friend you can talk to? Sharing how you’re feeling with someone who listens can make a big difference. Set boundaries when possible: If being around people who don’t seem to like you is making things harder, see if you can create some space for yourself, like sitting in a safer spot or focusing on your work. Focus on what you can control: It might help to focus on manageable things, like schoolwork or small personal goals. Even tiny wins can help you feel more in control. Reach out for help at home: If your home life is tough, consider talking to a trusted family member, counsellor, or friend about what’s going on. Asking for support is okay and might help ease some of the weight. Remember you’re not alone: Many people struggle with feeling overwhelmed, so don’t hesitate to reach out or take steps to care for yourself. It’s important to be kind to yourself during tough times. Take things one step at a time, and remember, it’s okay to ask for help when you need it. You've got this. Sometimes life feels particularly hard, but the sun always comes up - sometimes it just takes a bit longer than we'd like. Lots of love to you always, Aunty Hilda xox

I really don't want to be at this school, I really don't like it but I don't have other available options. I hate getting up every morning... what should I do?

Thanks for your question. It sounds like you're going through a really rough time at the moment. I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. Maybe you could try some of these things that might help - Set small goals: Focus on getting through one thing at a time, like a class or a conversation with a friend. Small wins can help you feel more in control. Find moments of peace: Look for small things that bring you some comfort, like a favourite subject or a break to recharge. Talk to someone you trust: Talking to a counsellor, family member or friend can help you process your feelings and offer support. Visualise your future: Think about what you want for the future, even if it’s not immediate. It can help motivate you through tough days. Take care of yourself: Find ways to relieve stress outside of school, whether it’s through a hobby or just some alone time. Even when we feel trapped, there are always ways to regain a sense of control. This could mean focusing on things you can decide on in your day-to-day life, like your mindset, your routine, or your approach to schoolwork. Taking charge of these smaller areas can help you feel less overwhelmed. Sometimes these things just take a bit of time. Lots of love to you always, Aunty Hilda xox

I think I'm pregnant, but I'm too scared to tell anyone. I've got all the symptoms and I've taken a test, but I don't know whose it is. Does this mean I'm a whore? How do I tell my parents?

Thanks for asking such a brave question. I imagine you are feeling really worried and stressed right now. You are certainly not a "whore" for having sex with different people. Exploring your sexuality and navigating some complex situations around this makes you human. As long as you felt good about making those decisions and it was a consensual experience, then you have nothing to be ashamed about. It might be a good idea to talk to your parents so they can help you with this - or maybe you could talk to the counsellor or a trusted adult who could help you with how to go about it. While it might feel like a scary thing to do, they will most likely want to support you. You are certainly worthy of respect, love and understanding, no matter what. Take care and all the best, love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm in year 12 and feel so stressed out about finding a formal date - I don't really have a guy in my life I want to take. I feel like I'm the only one without a date!! What should I do??

This is such a great question! And you are definitely not alone worrying about this!! Truly, if there's no one you are keen to take, then it is so much worse going with someone you don't really know. You don't want to be worrying about having to look after them all night - and every year heaps of girls go with their friends and have a really great time!! Lots of year 13s have figured this out and by the time they are in their final year, they want to have fun with their friend group. So take the person who is going to be fun to be with :) Consider your handbag a lot! Don't impulse buy! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxo

Hey Aunty, I'm thinking a lot about wanting to look my best for the formal and wanting to lose weight. But also I don't want to think like that - please help.

Thank you for asking this!! First of all, I just want to say how powerful it is that you’re even asking this. That little voice inside you—the one that says, “I don’t want to think like this”—is your truth speaking. That’s the part of you that knows deep down that you’re meant for more than shrinking yourself to fit into some made-up ideal. Let’s be real: the world has spent way too long teaching girls that the smaller we are, the more beautiful, polite, disciplined, desirable, and worthy we become. We’re told to be “toned but not too muscular,” “curvy but not too big,” “petite but still womanly.” It’s a trap designed to keep us constantly second-guessing ourselves. And formal season? It turns up the pressure to a deafening level. But hear this: You do not need to take up less space to be more beautiful. You do not need to be thinner to be worthy of that dress, that dance, that moment. You do not need to disappear to deserve being seen. Looking your best should never mean hurting yourself, punishing your body, or turning against the very skin that holds you. Beauty is not about losing—it’s about becoming. Becoming confident. Becoming free. Becoming unapologetically you. Your body is not the problem. The culture that makes you question it is. You deserve to walk into your formal with your head high, not because you’ve starved yourself to fit into a dress, but because you chose to show up for yourself. You chose food. Strength. Energy. Joy. You chose to say: I’m not playing that game anymore. So if you catch yourself spiralling, ask: Who profits when I hate my body? Who wins when I believe I'm not enough? Spoiler alert: it's not you. You don’t have to fight this battle alone. Talk to your friends about it. Call it out when it creeps into your thoughts. Nourish yourself—in every way. And when you walk into that formal, I hope you feel powerful. Not because you’ve shrunk yourself down, but because you stood tall in a world that constantly tells you not to. With so much love and pride for you, Aunty Hilda 💥💛

I want to give head to my boyfriend, but I don't want him to cum in my mouth because that's yuck. What do I do?

Firstly—thank you for asking this so openly and honestly. 💛 It’s so important to have these conversations, and you absolutely deserve to feel safe, respected, and totally in control of your own boundaries, especially when it comes to anything sexual. Here’s the deal: you never have to do anything you don’t want to do. That includes what happens during oral sex. Wanting to give your boyfriend pleasure doesn’t mean you have to accept everything he wants, especially if it crosses a line for you. It’s completely okay to say something like: “I’m happy to go down on you, but I don’t want you to finish in my mouth.” You don’t need a big explanation or apology—your boundary is valid just as it is. If he cares about you, he’ll respect that without question. And if he doesn’t? That says way more about him than it does about you. You can also talk through what you'd feel comfortable with instead—maybe stopping before he finishes, or letting him know to tell you beforehand so you can choose what to do next. It’s all about communication and consent, from both sides. The most important thing: sex should never feel like a performance, or like you’re pushing past your own “ick” just to please someone else. You matter in this too—your comfort, your choices, your voice. Always. 💕 Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I really want a boyfriend and all my friends have one, so it makes it worse. What do I do?

Thanks for such a common question and feeling - that feeling is so real—and so hard. 💛 Wanting a boyfriend, especially when it feels like everyone else already has one, can make you feel left out, behind, or like you’re missing something important. But I promise you, you’re not. Here’s what I want you to know: ✨ You’re not late, and you’re not less. There’s no deadline for love or dating or relationships. Some people meet someone early, some later, and some realise they don’t even want a relationship in the way they thought. There’s no right order or timeline. 💬 Ask yourself what you really want. Is it a boyfriend? Or is it closeness, attention, affection, someone to talk to and be seen by? All of that is totally human to want—but those things can come in so many forms: deep friendships, connection with yourself, even from community and creativity. 🌱 A relationship isn’t a prize for being pretty or cool or enough. You already are enough. A boyfriend doesn’t make you more valid, more lovable, or more grown-up. Anyone who ends up with you will be lucky—not because you waited, but because you knew your worth the whole time. 💘 It’s okay to want it—and okay not to rush it. It’s not wrong to want love. What matters is not settling just to have someone, anyone, because it feels like you should. You deserve someone who sees all of you and chooses you, not just someone who fills a gap. So in the meantime? Keep building your own amazing, messy, brilliant life. You’re not behind—you’re just beginning. And love (when it comes) will meet you right where you are. 💕 Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm 13 and I just lost my virginity to a guy who's 15. What do I do? What if my parents find out?

Thanks for this really great question and for reaching out :) At 13, you're still learning so much about yourself. It's a time when things can feel intense and new and exciting—but also overwhelming. Even when something *feels* okay in the moment, it’s totally normal to have questions or second thoughts afterward. That doesn’t mean you messed up—it just means you’re growing and trying to understand what feels right for you. When someone’s older—even just by a couple of years—they can seem more confident or experienced. That can make it harder to really speak up, or to know whether the decision you're making is *fully* your own. Real consent means being able to say yes or no clearly, without pressure or uncertainty, and also being mature enough to understand the emotional side of what you're choosing. And that's not always easy when you're younger and still working out your own boundaries and feelings. So - **Talk to someone you trust.** This could be a school counsellor, or another adult who will support you without judgment. You don’t need to carry this alone. They can help you figure out how you’re feeling, and how to take care of yourself emotionally and physically (like looking after your sexual health). 💛 **Be kind to yourself.** Whatever you’re feeling—confused, okay, sad, unsure—is valid. You’re allowed to feel complicated about it. What matters now is how you take care of *you* going forward. And if your parents do find out, it might feel scary at first—but most of the time, even if they react strongly, it’s because they care. If it helps, you can talk to a trusted adult first who can help you figure out *how* to have that conversation, or whether you even need to. In case you're worried you've done something bad - you haven't! You’re just a young person navigating something big. And it's awesome you've come here to talk about it. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

How do you have sex and enjoy it?

Thanks for such a great and important question! 💛 So many people wonder this but feel too shy to ask—so first of all, thank you for being brave enough to say it out loud. Here’s the truth: sex isn’t something you just “do”—it’s something you experience, and for it to be enjoyable, it needs to feel safe, respectful, and genuinely wanted by you. There’s no magic formula, but here are some really important things that make sex something you can actually enjoy: 1. Consent is the starting point—always. Enjoying sex means wanting it, not just agreeing to it or “getting it over with.” That means you feel comfortable saying yes, no, or changing your mind at any time. No pressure. No guilt. Just choice. ✨ 2. You need to feel emotionally safe. If you’re feeling unsure, nervous, judged, or not fully respected by the other person, your body can’t relax—and that makes it really hard to enjoy anything. Feeling seen, heard, and cared for matters so much more than how “experienced” you are. 🧠 3. Your head needs to be in the same place as your body. If you’re worrying the whole time about how you look, what they’re thinking, or whether you’re doing it “right,” it’s really hard to feel good. Being fully present helps, and that gets easier when you’re with someone you trust, and you feel confident in your “no” just as much as your “yes.” 🌊 4. Take your time. There’s no rush. You don’t have to go from kissing to full-on sex in one go—or even in one relationship. Exploring what feels good for you, slowly, can help you learn what you actually enjoy. That might include things like kissing, touching, or talking about what you like—without needing to go further than you’re ready for. 🫶 5. Your pleasure matters. This one’s huge: sex isn’t just about the other person. What feels good for you? What do you want to try or explore? Your body is not just there to please someone else—it deserves pleasure too. And that starts with curiosity, not shame. So… how do you have sex and enjoy it? You start by knowing you don’t owe anyone your body. You protect your boundaries. You ask for what you want. You only do what feels right for you, at your pace, in your way. Sex is not a performance. It’s not a test. It’s not a way to prove your worth. It’s something you deserve to experience with confidence, care, and joy—when you’re ready. 💕 And if you’re not sure if you’re there yet, that’s okay too. There’s no rush. You’re not behind. You’re just figuring it out—and that’s Awesome! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

Aren't humans all the same apart from the way a body looks between girls and boys? So why would someone want be another gender?

Thanks for asking this - That’s such a thoughtful question, and it’s awesome that you’re thinking deeply about identity and what makes us who we are. 💛 You’re right in a lot of ways—we’re all human, and deep down, we all want to feel safe, accepted, and understood. But gender isn’t just about how our bodies look on the outside. It’s also about how we feel on the inside—how we relate to ourselves and the world around us. Some people are born in bodies that don’t match how they feel inside. For example, someone might be assigned female at birth but feel deep down that they’re a boy—or neither a boy nor a girl—or something in between. This isn’t about wanting to "be someone else"—it’s about wanting to live in a way that feels true and right for them. It’s kind of like wearing shoes that don’t fit. Even if they look fine on the outside, they just feel wrong, and over time, they start to really hurt. Being able to express your gender in a way that feels right is like finally finding shoes that actually fit—comfortable, freeing, and more you. It’s also important to know that gender is a social construct—which means it’s something society has created over time, with ideas about what it means to be a “girl” or a “boy.” These ideas can change across cultures and history, and they don’t always reflect everyone’s lived experience. Different cultures around the world have always recognised more than just “girl” and “boy.” Gender isn’t just a body thing—it’s also a heart and mind thing. And respecting that helps everyone feel like they belong. 💕 So even though we are all human, part of being kind and inclusive is knowing that people experience their identities in different ways—and that’s okay. 🌈 Lots of love to you, Aunty HIlda xox

How do I subtly encourage someone I'm into (And I'm pretty sure they are into me) to make a move? Both my bestie and I want to know (she's gay and I'm straight) so can include tips for both please :)

Hi there - thanks for your great question! It's a hard place to be in when you really like someone and don't know quite how to do the next bit! Body language can be a great way to communicate without words - Turning your body towards theirs, touching them more on the arm etc, making eye contact, smiling lots. Then showing a real interest in their hobbies and remembering things they have told you is a great idea. BUT - making the first move here is a great idea!! Why wait around? You're pretty sure the feelings are mutual, so go for it! And this advice is the same for anyone you like and whether you are gay or straight. Best of luck to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I have a habit of pulling out my eyelashes and this has been going on for a while. I have already told my parents and I think this is the second time I've pulled out this many. One time I pulled them all out. Do you have any advice on how to stop?

Thank you so much for sharing this—it takes a lot of courage to talk about something like this, and you’re definitely not alone. 💛 Pulling out eyelashes (or hair from anywhere on your body) is actually something a lot of people struggle with, even if it’s not often talked about. It has a name—trichotillomania—and it’s a type of body-focused repetitive behaviour. It’s not about being “weird” or “bad,” and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. It’s often something people do when they’re feeling anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, or even just without realising it. Here are some things that might help: 🌱 Notice when and why it happens – Try to keep track of when you feel the urge. Is it when you’re bored, anxious, or trying to concentrate? Understanding your triggers can be the first step toward change. 🖐️ Keep your hands busy – Some people find it helps to use a fidget toy, stress ball, textured putty, or something soft to stroke when they feel the urge coming on. 🪞 Set up a mirror-free zone – If mirrors are a trigger, limiting mirror time or avoiding close-up reflections can help reduce the temptation. 🧠 Talk to someone who can support you – You’ve already spoken to your parents (which is amazing), so maybe now is a good time to ask about seeing a school counsellor or a mental health professional. They can help you learn ways to cope that work for you. 💬 Be kind to yourself – This isn’t something you chose to do, and it doesn’t define you. Relapses or rough patches don’t mean you’ve failed—they’re part of the journey. You deserve support and understanding as you figure this out. You’re not alone, and it is possible to find ways to manage this over time. Sending you big love. 💕 Aunty Hilda xox

Hey Aunty Hilda, I really like this guy but I don't know how to talk or have a conversation over text. Could I have some advice?

Thanks for your question! That’s such a relatable feeling—so many people feel nervous about texting someone they like (even adults!). The good news is, there’s no “perfect” way to do it—just a few little tips to help make it feel more natural and a bit less scary. Start with the little things, how was your day, sharing some commonalities.... Putting yourself out there is always a big feeling in the moment, but this is all part of starting a relationship. Don't overthink it! Just let the conversation flow and most importantly - Be yourself! You don't have to be any different, or any cooler... if he likes you, it's because of who YOU are. You've got this! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Dear Aunty Hilda, my friend group just wants to say how much we appreciate you! Thank you for helping us have chats and discussions. We've learnt heaps! xxx

Awwww! That’s so lovely to hear! 💛 I’m so glad that these chats have been helpful for you and your friends. Having open, honest discussions is such a powerful way to learn and grow together, and it makes me so happy to know you’re taking the time to think, question, and support each other. Keep those conversations going—you’re all doing something really special! Talking and sharing is our power! Big hugs to you all. 💕 Love Aunty Hilda xox

Hi, I just wanted to get some advice on what to do with people in my year who act all smiley and nice to people but it's so clearly fake and the minute they are with another group they change - it really irritates me when talking to them or witnessing how fake they are.

Thanks for your question :) That’s so frustrating! It’s hard to deal with people who seem fake, especially when you can see right through it. But the good news is, you don’t have to let their behavior get to you. Here are a few ways to handle it: ✨ Don’t take it personally – People who act fake often do it because they want to fit in or be liked by everyone. It’s not about you; it’s about them trying to manage their image. ✨ Decide how much energy you want to give them – If their two-faced behavior irritates you, it might be best to keep your distance. You don’t have to be rude, but you also don’t have to engage more than necessary. ✨ Find your people – Focus on friendships that feel real and mutual. Surrounding yourself with people who are genuine will make it easier to ignore those who aren’t. ✨ Call it out (if you want to) – If it’s really bothering you and you feel comfortable, you could casually say something like, “It’s funny how different you act around different people.” Sometimes just bringing attention to it makes them think twice. At the end of the day, you can’t control how other people act, but you can choose how much space they take up in your head. Try not to let their fakeness ruin your vibe. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

Hi Aunty, there's a group in my year who don't speak to anyone else and judges the way I dress/look. They make me feel alone and sad and seem to think that they are better than everyone else. Is that true and if so, why?

Hello my lovely, I hear you. That sounds really tough, and I want to start by saying: No, they are not better than you. No one is better than anyone else just because of how they dress, who they hang out with, or how much confidence they pretend to have. Girls who act like this often do so because they feel the need to prove something—maybe to themselves, maybe to others. Sometimes, people put others down to lift themselves up. It doesn’t mean they actually have more worth; it just means they’re caught up in their own insecurities and trying to control how they are seen. It’s completely understandable that their behavior makes you feel alone. But I promise you, their judgment says everything about them and nothing about you. You don’t need their approval to be amazing, and you don’t have to change anything about yourself to fit their mold. The best thing you can do is keep being you—because confidence in who you are is more powerful than any clique. And if you’re feeling alone, please know you’re not. There will always be people out there who see you for who you really are and love you for it. Keep looking for those people—they’re the ones who actually matter. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I’m really struggling with a teacher this year. Their way of teaching or speaking to me makes me feel really upset, and I often go home in tears. Is there anything I can do?

Thanks for this question - I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way—it sounds really hard. No one should feel this upset after class, so it’s important to figure out a way to make things easier for you. First, try to pinpoint exactly what’s making you feel this way. Is it the way they give feedback? The way they speak? The pressure of the class? Understanding why might help you decide what to do next. If you feel comfortable, you could try talking to the teacher. Sometimes teachers don’t realise how their words or actions come across, and a conversation could help. You could say something like, "I’m finding it hard in class and feeling quite upset after. Is there a way we can work together to make it better?" If that feels too hard (which is totally understandable), talking to a trusted adult—like another teacher, a school counsellor, or a parent—might help. They can support you in finding a solution. Most importantly, remember that this situation isn’t a reflection of you. You deserve to feel supported in your learning. Sending you big hugs—you’re not alone in this. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I find it hard to remember to use people's pronouns and find it hard to understand trans people. What do I do?

It’s really great that you’re asking this—it shows that you want to understand, and that’s such an important first step. 💛 If remembering pronouns is tricky, try linking them to the person’s name in your mind or practicing using them in sentences when you think about them. It’s okay to make mistakes—what matters is correcting yourself and showing that you care. When it comes to understanding trans people, the most important thing to know is that their experience isn’t about “changing” into someone else—it’s about becoming more themselves. Some people are assigned a gender at birth that doesn’t match how they truly feel inside, and transitioning (whether socially, medically, or both) helps them live in a way that feels right for them. Gender and identity also mean different things in different cultures. Some cultures have long recognised genders beyond just male and female, like the fa’afafine in Samoa, hijra communities in South Asia, or Two-Spirit identities among Indigenous North American cultures. Understanding gender isn’t just about Western ideas—it’s something that has existed in many forms across the world for centuries. Even if you don’t fully relate to someone’s experience, you don’t have to fully understand someone to respect them. Think of it this way: there are probably things about you that others don’t fully understand, but you’d still want them to accept and respect you, right? At the end of the day, inclusivity matters because everyone deserves to feel safe, seen, and valued for who they are. Just being open to listening and learning is already a huge step. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

What does "enthusiastic consent" actually mean, and how do I recognise it?

Great question! ✨ Enthusiastic consent means that both people genuinely want to engage in whatever is happening—not just going along with it, not feeling pressured, but actively wanting to be there. You can recognise enthusiastic consent by looking for clear, excited participation rather than just silence or hesitation. Some key signs: ✅ They say a clear "yes" – This could be verbal (“I really want to”) or through body language (actively engaging, pulling closer, reciprocating). ✅ They seem comfortable and engaged – They aren’t hesitating, freezing up, or looking unsure. ✅ They initiate too – Enthusiastic consent isn’t just agreeing to something—it’s wanting to be part of it and showing that. ✅ They can say no without fear – If someone feels pressured or afraid to say no, that’s not real consent. 🚩 If someone seems unsure, hesitant, or quiet, that’s NOT enthusiastic consent. It’s always okay to pause, check in, and make sure both people actually want to continue. A good rule: If it’s not a clear YES, it’s a NO. 💛 Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

Does it hurt to use a tampon the first time?

Thank you for such a common question! Lots of people find this tricky and worrying the first time, but truly it's fine!! Using a tampon for the first time might feel a little uncomfortable, but it shouldn’t be painful if you’re relaxed and insert it correctly. A lot of discomfort comes from tension—if you're nervous, your muscles tighten, making it harder to insert. Here are some tips to make it easier: Start with a small, slim tampon – A light or regular tampon with an applicator is usually the easiest for beginners. 🔹 Relax – Take a few deep breaths. If you’re tense, it’ll be harder to insert. 🔹 Try a different position – Squatting, sitting on the toilet, or putting one foot on the edge of the bathtub can help. 🔹 Aim correctly – Your vagina isn’t straight up; it’s angled slightly toward your lower back. Insert the tampon in that direction. 🔹 Go slow and be gentle – If it doesn’t go in easily, take a break and try again. 🔹 You shouldn’t feel it once it’s in – If it feels uncomfortable, it might not be in far enough. You can gently push it in a bit more. If tampons feel painful no matter what, don’t force it! Everyone’s body is different, and some people prefer pads or period underwear instead. There’s no right or wrong way to handle your period—just what feels best for you. All the best with this! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm really scared to have sex because I have really bad razor burn and it's really obvious, but I know my boyfriend wants to do stuff down there. What do I do?

Thanks for a great question :) First off, your body is yours, and you don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with—whether that’s having sex or removing hair. If razor burn is making you self-conscious, know that it’s super common and probably not as noticeable as you think. Letting your skin heal, using a gentle moisturizer, or adjusting your shaving routine can help. But also, ask yourself—do you actually want to shave, or are you just feeling pressured to? Body hair is totally natural, and the right person won’t care whether you have it or not. If a boyfriend pressures you over it (or anything else), that’s a sign to step back. Your comfort and choices matter most. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I don't think my friends like me. Every time I ask if they are free over the weekend or if they want to hang out, I'm met with excuses, such as "Oh sorry I'm studying all weekend". If that was occasional that would be fine. But it's EVERY time. People who were talking about just chilling and not doing much over the weekend are suddenly too busy to hang out. I've thought maybe it's just me, maybe they do have stuff on, but even my parents have started to notice and think it's weird. Another thing, is that I'm pretty sure there's a group chat without me. I KNOW there is a group chat with three other members of our group, so one with the four of them isn't out of the question. Our group chat is really silent, like no one ever messages on there.... Maybe I'm mistaken? I don't think I am.

Thank you fo this question - First off, I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way—it sucks to feel like the people you care about might be pulling away. Trust your gut. If this is happening over and over, and even your parents have noticed, it’s not just in your head. It sounds like your friends might not be valuing you the way they should, and that’s painful. If they’re avoiding making plans and there’s possibly a group chat without you, it’s understandable that you’re feeling left out. You deserve friends who actually want to spend time with you—not ones who make excuses or leave you questioning your place in the group. You could try talking to one of them individually—someone you trust the most—just to get some clarity. A simple, “Hey, I’ve noticed I’ve been left out a lot lately, is something up?” can open the conversation. Their response will tell you a lot. But if they dodge the question or don’t seem to care, that’s your answer too. As hard as it is, sometimes friendships change, and people grow apart. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It just means it might be time to start putting energy into new friendships—ones where you don’t have to wonder if you’re wanted. You deserve friends who make you feel included, not like an afterthought. Lots of love and best of luck to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Hi Aunty, normally my periods are regular, but it's nearly a month late. I haven't been sexually active but I'm still worried. Is this normal? What should I do?

Hello lovely, thanks for this really good question. It's completely normal for your period to be all over the place for a variety of reasons - diet, exercise, stress, hormonal changes.... is there something that has changed recently for you? If you go another month without and are still worried, then checking in with your Dr might be a good way to reassure yourself. Best of luck, Love Aunty Hilda xox

This boy I have been talking to recently has just asked me to have anal sex with him. I am uncomfortable with it and don't see the pleasure in it. What should I do?

Thanks for this question - The most important thing here is that you do not have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with—ever. If you’re not into it, that’s the only reason you need to say no. Your body, your boundaries. If he respects you, he will respect your decision. You can say something like, “That’s not something I’m into, and I don’t want to do it.” You don’t need to explain or justify it further. If he keeps pushing or tries to guilt you, that’s a huge red flag. Someone who truly cares about you will never pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do. It’s also worth asking yourself—does this boy care about your comfort, or is he only focused on what he wants? A good relationship (or even just a good connection) is based on mutual respect, not pressure or expectation. Stand firm in your boundaries, because they matter. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I'm in year 7/8 and my boyfriend is turning 18. I think I'm in love - we met on roblox. Is it wrong?

Thank you so much for this important question. I totally get that this feels real and exciting—you’ve found someone you connect with, and that’s a big deal. But there’s also something really important to think about here: the age gap. You’re in Year 7/8, which means you’re around 11-13 years old, and he’s turning 18, which makes him a legal adult. That’s a huge difference in life experience, maturity, and power. Right now, you’re growing, figuring out who you are, and learning about relationships, while an 18-year-old is legally considered an adult, likely finishing school, getting a job, or even thinking about moving out. Even if he seems nice, there’s a reason why adults being in relationships with much younger people is seen as a red flag—it’s often not an equal, healthy dynamic. A good, mature person would recognise that the gap between you two is too big and would set that boundary themselves. Also, since you met online, it’s really important to be careful. People aren’t always who they say they are on the internet, and older people talking to much younger people online can sometimes be dangerous. If you haven’t already, please talk to a trusted adult about this—someone who can help keep you safe. It’s totally okay to have feelings, but real love should feel safe, equal, and respectful. You deserve to build relationships with people at a similar stage in life to you—people who won’t put you in a situation that could be risky or inappropriate. Best of luck to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I have started to feel insecure. Even though I am always told I am pretty I never believe them. I have started to gain weight and I can't seem to stop eating a lot. I want to feel more comfortable and pretty.

Thank you for this question - First of all, I want you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way. So many people, even those who seem confident on the outside, struggle with insecurities—especially when it comes to looks and body image. It’s really hard when your mind doesn’t let you believe the compliments you receive, but just because you feel a certain way doesn’t mean it’s the truth. Beauty isn’t just about how you look—it’s in how you feel about yourself. And the way you see yourself isn’t always how others see you. This is a time when your body is growing and changing and all the changes seem so strange and at times uncomfortable. If you’ve been eating more and gaining weight, try to be gentle with yourself instead of punishing yourself for it. It means you're listening to your body and what it needs. Sometimes our bodies change because we’re growing, stressed, or just going through a phase. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Try shifting your focus to feeling good in your body—things like moving in ways you enjoy, eating foods that make you feel energised, getting enough sleep, and speaking to yourself the way you’d speak to a friend. Feeling comfortable and pretty starts from within, and I know that sounds cliché, but it’s true. Confidence isn’t about looking a certain way—it’s about accepting yourself and treating yourself with kindness. Maybe try reminding yourself every day: “I don’t have to look like anyone else to be beautiful. I am enough as I am.” Because you are. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My Mum keeps pressuring me to try out for everything, like the production and do everything else, but I don't want to try out for everything. How can I tell her that I don't want to and that I just want to hang out with my friends?

Hi and thanks for your really great question, it's a common experience for many people. It sounds like your Mum really cares about you having new opportunities and experiences and it's true that these can be really rewarding! It sounds like you want to have balance between activities and friend time - is there a way that you can meet somewhere in the middle? Give something a go and see if you can get some friends to go too? Explaining to Mum how you are feeling might help her see where you are coming from too.

I have a friend who has been making me feel like dirt. She blames me for stuff and we always fight. We go to different schools but I still have to see her on weekends. She makes me feel isolated and alone. I don't know how to tell her I don't want to be friends anymore. What should I do? My Mum thinks we are still friends and my "friend" thinks we are still friends too. How do I tell her I don't feel like her friend?

Thanks for your great question. I'm really sorry to hear this is happening, that's a horrible way to feel with someone who should be a friend. Maybe start by telling your Mum how you are feeling - maybe she can help with the weekend contact and make it happen less, or easier to distance yourself? It sounds like a conversation with this person needs to happen. Your feelings in relation to how she is treating you are valid and you are justified in telling her that this is not a friendship where you are being treated as you would expect from a friend. Your friend might not understand stright away - but it's important to stick to your boundaries and have a clear idea about how you expect to be treated. Best of luck to you, Love Aunty Hilda xox

For the last few weeks I've been hooking up with this guy that I met at a party. It's been going well, no strings attached, which works for both of us. A couple of days ago I noticed when I pee it burns A LOT. Stuff was weird down there. I went to the Drs and they told me I have chlamydia. I've still been hooking up with my man because I'm too scared to tell him about it, because he's a huge gossip and will tell others. Also I figure he's already got it anyway.....What should I do?

Thanks for your great question! Good on you for being brave and going to the Dr - that's one of the hardest parts. It's really important that you take the medication from he Dr, because this STI, while very common, can be really problematic if you don't treat it. That means - you also have to ensure that your man takes the meds too - otherwise you will get it back!! It doesn't have to be difficult - and I don't think he'll gossip about this because it implicates him too!! Something like "hey, I've just founbd out I've got chamydia, I think you should get tested too". Simple and to the point. It's really important for your health and wellbeing that you both treat this properly. All the best, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

When I have sex I can't tell the difference between discharge or if I'm wet, or if it's one or the other...

A great question - our bodies are so interesting! Our bodies produce discharge as a natural way to clean the vagina. You might have noticed that it changes throughout your cycle. When you're feeling aroused or turned on, then the body produces lubricant to make sex more comfortable. Our bodies know what to do - so either or, or both doesn't really matter - it's just doing what it should :). Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I think I have that hair pulling disorder and I find it really hard not to pull my hair out because I find it satisfying and my hands need to pull at something or do something, but at the same time, I really want to stop.

Thanks for your great question. This is not an uncommon thing for people to experience - it's called trichotillomani. Finding somehting else to keep your hands busy, in a way that is satisfying is something you could explore - although finding your triggers and stressors is something that might be more useful in the long term. This is something that a counsellor could help you with. Maybe you could reach out to them? This is manageable and you can get the help that you are looking for. Reaching out is the first great step. Best of luck to you, love Aunty Hilda xox

I'm into this person and I know they like me back, but I feel like we need to move on because I don't think it will ever become anything. So even though it will rip my soul apart I need to move on. Am I doing the right thing?

Thanks for this question - this sounds really hard!! I'm wondering why you don't think this is a good idea? Are you trying to protect yourself, or are you afraid of what might happen in the future? That this won't ever become anything, at your age, is quite normal and shouldn't necessarily hold you back from having a positive and enjoyable relationship. You know yourself and your reasons best, and of course you shouldn't do this if it will be harmful in any way. Best of luck to you! Love Aunty Hilda xox

What are some positions my girlfriend and I can try?

Thanks for your great question :) There is a really good website for lesbian and bisexual young women that you can find here at The Proud Trust: - there is heaps of great info. All the best to you both :) love Aunty Hilda xox

Some nudes I sent ages ago got leaked. People have found out - what should I do?

Thanks for your question - I'm really sorry this has happened to you. No one has the right to share your images without your consent. Take control of the narrative - "yes, someone has shared my images without my consent" this stops gossip in that it's out there and you are owning it without shame. The shame belongs with the person who shared it without your knowledge. This is a common issue that many young women face and hopefully the response you get from anyone who finds out will be - "I'm so sorry he did that to you". Stand tall and know that you have done nothing wrong. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm going to a party with heaps of my friends, but I know there are heaps of guys going who are really keen to hook up with girls and have condoms they are taking to the party. I don't want to get wasted and not know what's going on, but I'm not sure I can trust that I won't just get into the party and get wasted anyway. What should I do?

This is such a great question and one that deserves a bit lof a longer answer! Lots of people wonder about these things, which is why I've put a few extra steps here.....It sounds like you already have a strong sense of what you want—to be in control of your night and make choices that align with your values. That’s a great place to start. Here are a few ways to help make that happen: 1. Set Your Intentions Before You Go Decide now what kind of night you want. If your priority is to have fun with your friends and stay in control, remind yourself of that before the party. It can help to actually say it out loud: “I’m going to have a great night, but I want to stay in control.” 2. Bring a Friend on the Same Page If you’re worried about making decisions in the moment, talk to a friend beforehand who feels the same way. You can look out for each other and check in if things start to go sideways. 3. Pace Yourself & Stay Aware If you’re drinking, pace yourself. Alternate with water or a soft drink. Pour your own drinks and keep an eye on them—know what’s in your cup. If you feel pressure to drink more than you want, have a reason ready: “I’m good for now” or “I’m just taking it slow.” 4. Have an Exit Plan Make sure you have a way to get home that doesn’t rely on someone else making choices for you. If things start feeling uncomfortable, have a pre-planned excuse to leave: “I have to be up early” or “I told my parents I’d check in soon.” 5. Trust Your Gut If something feels off, it probably is. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, you don’t owe anyone an explanation—just remove yourself. 6. Remember, You’re in Charge Just because some people are going to the party with a certain plan in mind doesn’t mean you have to go along with it. You get to decide what happens for you. If Things Get Hard in the Moment? If you feel pressure, excuse yourself and find your friend. If someone won’t take no for an answer, that’s their problem, not yours. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, step outside, take a breath, and remind yourself what you wanted for the night. Best of luck for a good, safe and fun night, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I think one of my best friends is replacing me and I don't know what to do because we've been friends since year 7. All of a sudden she's hanging around with with her new bestie and not with me and not texting as much. She's hanging out with her new bestie who she only met this year and it doesn't help they have all their classes together

Thanks for your question - one that I know LOTS of young people struggle with. You're definitely not alone with how this is going for you. It sounds really tough, especially because you’ve been close for so long. It’s completely normal to feel hurt, left out, or even a little jealous when a friend starts spending more time with someone new. Here are a few things that might help: Take a Step Back—But Not Away It might feel like she’s replacing you, but friendships can grow and change without ending. She might be excited about her new friend, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you anymore. Try not to assume the worst before you talk to her about it. Talk to Her (When You Feel Ready) If this friendship matters to you (which it sounds like it does), an honest conversation can help. Try saying something like: “Hey, I miss hanging out like we used to. I know you and ..... have gotten close, and that’s cool, but I don’t want to lose what we have.” Keeping it about your feelings rather than blaming her will help her understand without making her feel defensive. Make Space for Other Friendships Too It’s painful when a close friendship shifts, but it can also be an opportunity to branch out. Are there other people you enjoy hanging out with? Strengthening other friendships can remind you that you’re not alone—and it might even make things feel less intense with your best friend. Try Not to Compare It’s easy to feel like her new friend is somehow better or more interesting, but the truth is, every friendship is different. The bond you have with her is built on years of history, and that’s not something that just disappears. See How Things Play Out Sometimes, these shifts are temporary. If you give her some space while still making an effort to stay connected, things might naturally balance out. If not, and if she keeps distancing herself, then it might be time to focus on friendships that feel more mutual. It’s hard when friendships change, but no matter what happens, this doesn’t define your worth. You deserve friends who appreciate and value you. All the best to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I have a friend in my class who is always asking me to help her with her work. I don't know how to answer all her questions and I don't like her doing this all the time. What should I do?

Hi thanks for your question. It sounds like this is a really disruptive and irritating issue you are trying to manage. It's understandable that you are wondering what to do about this. It might be a good idea to suggest that she asks the teacher for help - it's not your responsibility to help her with her school work. You obviously care about how she's feeling, so maybe you could talk to the teacher about it so that they know your friend needs some more attention. It's ok to say "I need to get on with my own work, maybe you could ask someone else". Best of luck, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Is it possible to get pimples or itchy bites in your vagina? I've had a small bump there that's really itchy and when I've scratched it, it really hurts...

Hi there, thanks for your question. This sounds really irritating! Great to ask about what it might be. It could be an ingrown hair - this is common if people wax or shave and can be painful and annoying. It ususally goes away on it's own, but sometimes you need a Drs help. Soap andand detergent can cause irritation, and thrush, a yeast infection, is definitely an itchy, sore horrible thing to have and requires you to see a Dr for some cream. If this is still affecting you after a week of symptoms, then I would definitely recommend seeing someone. If you are worried about how to get a Drs appointment and talking to your Mum about it, then texting her to say you want to talk to the Dr about some skin irritation could be one way to do it. Best of luck with this, love Aunty Hilda xox

I've recently started my period. I've had multiple experiences where I have bled onto my pants, but I don't bleed through the pad, I bleed out the side - how do I stop it?

Hi there, that's such a great question. It can be really stressful worrying about leaking when you are on your period. There are some great ways to minimise the risk though - period undies, or boxers are great! You can get them at the supermarket. Also, you might like to try using an applicator tampon. They are much easier to learn how to use than a regular tampon. If you have a heavy period you can use more than one option. If it's really heavy you could talk to your Dr about it the next time you are there.

I'm finding it hard to know how to manage my period - one hour it will be nothing and the next it's really heavy. How am I supposed to know how to manage it?

Hi there, thanks for your question. Periods are normally all over the place with how the flow goes. A period is the lining of the uterus coming away - blood that built up in preparation for a pregnancy - but if you don't conceive, then the blood/lining comes away. So it makes sense that it is sometimes heavier and sometimes lighter, because it's coming away at different times. It can be helpful to have something like period undies or a pad on all the time, and change your tampon when needed. Being prepared is key, but luckily there are products here at school for you to use too! there are some great apps you might like to try - stardust, flo, and others you might like to check out. Best of luck to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I've been with my boyfriend 2-3 years now and he's said he wants to take the next step in our relationship ie sex. He said he completely respects my decision whether I want to or not, but I don't want him to break up with me because I don't want to...

Thanks for this really important question. This is such a big decision, and it’s really great that you’re thinking it through carefully. It’s your body, your boundaries, and your choice—no one should pressure you into something you’re not ready for, even indirectly. It’s reassuring that he says he respects your decision, but if you’re feeling like saying no might make him leave, that’s an important red flag to pay attention to. A healthy relationship is built on respect, trust, and understanding—not pressure or fear of losing someone. Be Honest With Yourself – Ask yourself: Do I actually want this? If the answer is no, or even not yet, then that’s completely valid. Your feelings matter. Talk to Him Openly – Since he says he respects your choice, you can have an honest conversation like: “I know you want to take the next step, but I’m just not ready for that yet. I need to know that our relationship isn’t based on this.” “I care about you, but I don’t want to do something just because I feel like I have to.” See How He Responds – A guy who truly cares about you won’t just “respect” your choice in words—he’ll show it in actions by not making you feel guilty, pressured, or like you have to change your mind. Remember That If He Leaves, That’s On Him – It’s not your job to do something you’re uncomfortable with just to keep him. If he breaks up with you because of this, then it means he valued sex over your feelings—which would mean he wasn’t the right person for you anyway. A good partner will want to be with you for who you are, not just what you’re willing to do. And lastly.... You deserve a relationship where you feel safe, loved, and respected without conditions. If he truly respects you, he won’t make you feel like you have to choose between your boundaries and your relationship. And if he does? Then he’s not the right guy for you, no matter how long you’ve been together. All the best, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I just got out of a long term relationship and I'm still trying to figure out how to move on. I ended it because he kept hurting me emotionally and not changing when I gave him chance after chance after chance. We've nearly broken up before and every time I fought for him, but he never fought for me. He didn't want me anymore, he fell out of love . I still love him and think about him every day. I know we're young and there are plenty of other people but I really felt like he was the one. He was my safe place and my comfort, my boyfriend and my best friend. When we hung out it felt so natural, he was like the boy version of me, the only one who's understood me and my problems. On one hand he was disrespectful, hurtful and manipulative. On the other hand he was the sweetest most comforting soul ever. I miss him a lot ever since I've decided to have no contact and time to heal myself. I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing...

Thanks for this great question. It sounds like you’re feeling so many emotions at once, and that’s completely normal after a long-term relationship—especially one where you gave so much of yourself. You made the right decision to walk away, even though it hurts, and even though you still love him. It feels hard now because he was your safe place – Losing someone who felt like home is heartbreaking, even if they also hurt you. It’s natural to crave that comfort again. You fought for him, but he didn’t fight for you – That’s painful, and it makes sense that you feel conflicted. The good memories make you question everything – Just because he had sweet moments doesn’t erase the fact that he also hurt you and didn’t change. You’re grieving – Even though the relationship wasn’t right for you anymore, you’re still losing someone who was a huge part of your life. Are You Doing the Right Thing? Yes. You already answered your own question: he was disrespectful, hurtful, and manipulative. You gave him chance after chance, but he didn’t change. A person who truly values you shows it through actions, not just words or fleeting moments of kindness. Loving someone doesn’t mean you should tolerate being hurt. Love isn’t just feeling safe sometimes—it’s being safe, always. Moving Forward.... Acknowledge the Love Without Letting It Pull You Back – It’s okay to still love him. It’s okay to miss him. But missing someone doesn’t mean they were right for you. Let yourself grieve without romanticising the past. Write a Letter You’ll Never Send – Pour out all your emotions—the good and the bad. Say everything you need to say, then let it go. Focus on Yourself – He was your comfort, but you can become your own safe place. Find things that make you feel happy, supported, and valued—whether it’s hobbies, close friendships, or just taking care of yourself. Remind Yourself Why You Left – Keep a note in your phone of all the times he hurt you. When you start missing him, read it. It’ll remind you that your heart might want him back, but your mind knows better. Trust That You’ll Love Again – It doesn’t feel like it now, but one day, someone will love you the way you deserve—without making you fight for it, without manipulation, without conditions. The fact that you could love this deeply means you’ll love again, even more beautifully. Right now, your heart is aching, but you’re choosing yourself—and that’s one of the bravest things you can do. Keep going, keep healing, and don’t settle for anything less than someone who chooses you back. All the very best to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Help Aunty - I was in a non-dating relationship for two years and then we dated for about a year, but towards the beginning of that year I realised I didn't want to be with someone who couldn't commit from the beginning and kind of made me beg, so I waited for us to have some time alone and I broke up with him. How long should I wait before dating a new guy because I don't want it to feel like the new guy is just being used to get over the other one - even though he's not because the feelings faded quickly. I'm really into this guy and I'm trying to figure out how much time to give it.

Thank you for your great question. It sounds like you are worried about what other people might think the "rules" are. It'sa good idea to think about when to move on to another relationship, because rebound relationships aren't that great. - But you have already doent this and the important this is that you know what you want and why. Talking to the new guy about how you're feeling is always a great idea and will help to dispel any uncertainty and worry you may have. You know what you feel and if anyone has anything to say about it, that's their problem! Best of luck, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I really want to make out with this guy this weekend and have sex - so bad! Why do I feel like that?

That's a great question! It's totally normal to have overwhelming feelings of desire at times, especially in adolescence. I'm just wondering if your desperation is about social pressure and expectation, or if it's something you really want for yourself - sometimes it can be difficult to tell the difference, especially if all our friends are doing "it". Being safe4, physically and emotionally is always the most important thing. AND if you decide in the weekend that you've changed your mind - at any stage during the interaction, then you can stop. That is your right. Most of all, have fun, stay safe and do what is right for you. Best of luck, love Aunty Hilda xox

I like a guy in yr 13 who's at an all boys school and since we live kinda close to each other and our families know each other we get along well and greet each other, but it's difficult to ask for his contact details or develop a relationship where we can become friends. My ultimate goal is to date him, but when I see him, he's so cool that I can't make eye contact and I get nervous and don't talk much. How should I interact with him in order to exchange contact details and once I have done that how do I get closer to him??

Hi there, thanks for a great question! It can be really hard when you have a crush on someone, because it makes you overthink every single thing that you do! It might be a good idea to try saying hi with a smile, and eye contact. It can be really casual when you are all together, or passing. However, if you want to date him, then you might want to be brave and have confidence in yourlself - you did afterall say that you get on well and your families are close. So, talk to him about the things you already know he's interested in. Show an interest. That's always a great start. best of luck, love Aunty Hilda xox

I've recently found out my boyfriend is gay, but I still like him and want to continue our relationship even though he's cheated on me with older guys. We've been together for a few years. What should I do?

Thank you for your really complex and difficult question. This must be a really hard time for you and understandably you are struggling with the idea of losing someone you have spent so much time with. However, we all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us and who we can trust. He might be uncomfortable about other people nowing his sexuality and that is not for anyone else to share, but it's also not your job to be the one he can hide behind. You deserve someone who loves you and respects you. All the best, love Aunty Hilda xox

Im not sure of what gender, I am trigender (non binary, agender and demiboy) but I'm not sure if it's demiboy, demigender or androgyne

HI there, thanks for sharing your question :) It's completely okay to be unsure about your gender identity—it's a journey, and it's okay if your understanding of yourself shifts over time. From what you’ve described, trigender means you experience three genders, which can be fluid or coexist in different ways. The specific labels you’re considering—demiboy, demigender, and androgyne—each have slightly different meanings: Demiboy: Partially identifying as a boy/man but not entirely. You may feel connected to masculinity but not fully aligned with it. Demigender: A broader term for partially identifying with a gender (e.g., demiboy, demigirl, deminonbinary). Androgyne: Often describes a mix of masculine and feminine identities, or a gender that exists between them. Since gender is personal, you don’t have to rush to pick the "right" label—it's about what resonates with you. Some people try different terms over time, while others prefer not to use labels at all. If you feel like trigender fits but you're still figuring out the specifics, that’s totally valid. All the best, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I have a friend I love to bits - she's confident, colourful and amazing, but at school she has faces so much bullying/exclusion/ hate/talking behind her back etc. I've just come to assume they are jealous. They are always kind to me but disrespect her right in front of me. I don't want to barge in, but how do I make them stop or self reflect? I like my peers and I want them to like me, but I don't know how to approach this!

Thanks for your really important question - this is a long answer, because we can all do better than this! This is such a tough situation, and it’s really great that you want to stand up for your friend while also maintaining good relationships with your peers. It’s not easy to balance, but you can make a difference. Step 1: Show Unwavering Support for Your Friend Even if you can’t stop the bullying immediately, your friend needs to know she’s not alone. Make it clear, both in private and in front of others, that you respect and appreciate her. Simple things like: Sitting with her when others exclude her Laughing at her jokes when people ignore them Defending her when people make comments (without being aggressive) This reinforces that she has value, no matter what others say. Step 2: Call It Out in a Non-Confrontational Way You don’t have to start an argument to make people reflect on their behaviour. Sometimes, a simple “Why would you say that?” or “That’s a bit harsh, don’t you think?” makes people second-guess their actions. Or: Redirect the conversation: If someone makes a mean comment, say, “Anyway…” and move the convo forward. Use humour: “Wow, that was a lot of energy for someone who ‘doesn’t care’ about her.” Point out double standards: “You’re all nice to me, so why treat her differently?” The goal isn’t to make them defensive but to make them pause and reflect. Step 3: Set Boundaries with Your Peers If they only act like this when she’s around, you could say something in private like: “I really like hanging out with you all, but it bothers me when you treat [friend] this way.” “I don’t get why you dislike her, but I do, and I don’t want to feel like I have to choose between my friends.” This keeps the conversation about your feelings rather than attacking them, which makes them more likely to listen. Step 4: Create a More Inclusive Atmosphere Exclusion and bullying often thrive on group dynamics—if one person starts to change the tone, others follow. If you consistently include your friend and act like it’s normal, it signals to others that their behaviour is out of line. For example, if she’s being left out of plans, invite her and act like it’s natural rather than asking permission from the group. Step 5: Keep Checking In with Your Friend Even if the bullying continues, knowing she has you will make a huge difference. If she’s struggling, encourage her to talk to someone—maybe a trusted teacher, counsellor, or another supportive friend. At the end of the day, it’s about staying true to your values. You don’t have to pick a fight, but you also don’t have to stay silent. It takes courage to challenge this kind of behaviour, but by standing up for her, you’re also showing your peers a better way to be. Best of luck! We are all so much better together. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I think my boyfriend's gay.... ever since we dated he showed signs of being queer and I just can't get it out of my mind. How can I get him comfortable enough to make him come out to me? I don't want it to be awkward afterwards and I still want us to be friends.

Thanks for your question - This must be a difficult thing for you to be wondering about. It’s totally understandable that you’re picking up on certain signs and wondering what they mean. But rather than focusing on whether your boyfriend is gay, the real question is whether he’s being honest with you about his feelings in your relationship. At the end of the day, his sexuality is his journey, and it’s not your place to push him to come out if he’s not ready. But you do deserve honesty about your relationship. If you feel like something is off—like he’s not romantically interested in you—then it’s okay to have a conversation about that. Instead of asking him directly about his sexuality, try focusing on your relationship and how you feel: “Hey, I feel like something has been off between us. I just want to know if you’re happy in this relationship.” “You don’t have to tell me anything you’re not ready for, but if there’s something on your mind, I’d rather know than keep guessing.” This way, you’re giving him space to be honest about his feelings without putting pressure on him to label anything before he’s ready. If he’s not attracted to you or doesn’t feel the same way, that’s something you have a right to know—no matter the reason. The most important thing is to approach it with care and respect. If he is questioning things, knowing that you support him no matter what will mean a lot. Best of luck to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Hi Aunty, I really want to do athletics day, but my friends aren't signing up for anything and I don't want to seem weird... what should I do??

Hi! Good on you for wanting to have fun!! There are heaps of students who are signing up for athletics day to feel the fun of participation and house team spirit! I know it's hard to feel like you're doing something alone or standing out in a weird way from your friends - but honestly, this is one of those times where they will miss out on all the benefits you will get from joining in. Go for it and enjoy yourself! You'll also show them that it's not weird, it's a great thing to be doing. Good luck and have a great day!! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm in year 12 and I really want to be head girls - but so does my best friend and don't want to make them sad or resent me for being head girl when I konw they really wanted it too. I know you'll say "if you're best friends then they'll be fine about it" butI'm still anxious because they mean a lot to me and I don't know how I'd manage if I lost them as a friend.

Hi there - thanks for your really relevant question. It’s completely understandable to feel torn, but remember: your best friend’s feelings are not your responsibility to manage. True friendship isn’t about stepping aside to keep the other person happy—it’s about supporting each other even when things don’t go our way. If you both go for it, you’re showing confidence in yourselves, and that’s a good thing. If you get it, be kind, acknowledge their feelings, and remind them that your friendship is bigger than a title. If they’re truly your friend, they’ll process it and still be there. And if not? Then maybe the friendship wasn’t as solid as you thought. You deserve to go for what you want without guilt. I'd definitely try having a conversation about how you're both feeling so if this is an issue next year, you've already done the prep! Good luck! Lots of love, Aunty HIlda xoxox

I'm into this girl and even though she hasn't told me she's into me I know she is. HOw do I encourage her to make a move? - YOU'RE AMAZING AND HAVE NO COMPETITION! I've tried chill-y flirting with her and I feel like one of the messages on here was from her, but I don't know how to sort of push her into a situation where her feelings are more clearly on display and she's encouraged to make a move......

Hi there - you've got great instincts, it really does sound like she's into you too! If you’re feeling it, why wait for her to make the move when you can? If you’re confident she’s into you, you can take the lead in a way that feels natural and exciting. Try something direct but playful, like "So, are we going to keep pretending we don’t have a thing, or are we actually going to do something about it?" or "I feel like we both know what’s up here—should I just make this official and ask you out?" If she’s shy or unsure, taking the pressure off can help— Either way, you’re in control of your own story! Good luck! LOts of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm a senior, and a junior is hitting on me, asking me out in an awkward way - how do I let them know in a gentle way that I'm not interested and they should stop? They can like me, but I feel a bit lowkey uncomfy....

Hi there - thanks for this great question. It's not uncommon for younger students to look up to older ones and find them amazing in lots of ways! But I totally get why this feels awkward—you want to be kind, but also set a clear boundary. Try something direct but gentle, like: “Hey, I really appreciate that, but I see you more as a little sibling than anything else. I’m not comfortable with you asking me out, so I need you to please stop that. This keeps it respectful but firm, making it clear that while their feelings are valid, they need to back off. If they keep pushing, you don’t need to justify yourself—just repeat, “I’ve already said no, and I need you to respect that.” You’re not responsible for their feelings, just your boundaries. Sometimes it can feel really difficult to communicate our needs clearly because we don't want to upset the other person, but it's really important to practice saying what we mean and feel. Good luck! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Aunty why do you edit the messages before they go on the website? My friends and I have put messages on here and you've really edited them and it makes it sound like you're making them up - I dunno it makes it feel all super perfect and sanitary and like there's no actual human behind it.

Hi! and thank you for your honest and helpful question!! I'm really sorry to hear that you feel like I've taken the human component out of questions - It's true that sometimes I do edit them, if they are really long (some of them are REALLY long) or if there are things in the question that would identify the person or who they are talking about. I try and make this really SAFE for everyone and ensure that no one starts guessing who it might be etc. Sometimes there are two or three questions that are very similar, so I kind of create one question out of those instead of repeating..... I really hope that you feel seen and heard and I really try to stick to the questions as they are, as much as possible. Let me know how you think it's going!! Thanks for letting me know, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm really into this girls and when we are together she's really receptive. She bantering playfully and joking and blushing and time goes really fast. But when we are around other people she's normal... not bantering, just sort of being there. Rather than getting closer over time we're getting further apart and we do have fun, just not the same. She's still happy to see me, but it's gone from YAAY to yay. Do you think she's into me? was she ever? Has we gone from possible lovers to best buddies or do you think I'm slowly getting over her and realising this is how it always was and I was just making it bigger than it was... What do I do? Anxious wreck...

Hi there, thanks for your question - it's a tough spot to be in! It sounds like you’re caught in a confusing in-between, and that’s hard. Based on what you’ve said, there are three possibilities: 1. She was into you but pulled back—maybe she got nervous, uncertain, or isn’t ready for something more. 2. She liked the attention but not in a romantic way—flirty energy can be fun without deeper feelings behind it. 3. You’re seeing things more clearly now—sometimes we get caught up in the excitement, and when that fades, we realise it was more about the idea of them. What to do? Trust the energy she’s giving you now, not just what she gave before. If she’s cooling off, don’t chase—match her energy. If you still want clarity, a simple, playful “Hey, did we just friendzone each other without realising, or is there still something here?” could give you an answer. Either way, you deserve someone who’s all in, not just sometimes in. Best of luck to you!! lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Is doing a long distance relationship as a younger person healthy for you or should you explore other options?

HI, this is a great question :) Long-distance can work, but it’s hard—especially when you’re still figuring out who you are and what you want. It takes trust, effort, and solid communication, and even then, it can feel lonely or limiting. It’s not bad for you, but ask yourself: Is this making me happy or just stressing me out? Am I growing as a person, or do I feel stuck waiting? Would I turn down new experiences just to keep this going? If it’s making you feel fulfilled, go for it. If it’s holding you back, it’s okay to let go and see what else life brings. You don’t have to prove your love by struggling through distance—love should make your world bigger, not smaller. best of luck! lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I think I'm pansexual - Am I too young to like a girl and have a sexuality?

Hi and thanks for your great question! You’re not too young to know who you are or to have feelings for someone. Sexuality isn’t something that appears overnight—it’s something we grow into and understand over time. Some people know from a really young age, and others take longer to figure it out. Both are completely okay. Liking girls (or anyone) at your age is just as normal as a girl who has a crush on a boy. You don’t need to have all the answers right now—your identity is yours to explore, and it’s okay if it evolves and changes. The most important thing? Give yourself the space to feel what you feel, without pressure to label it too quickly. We often jump to conclusions and make statements and labels, when that isn't necessarily helpful. Good luck and lots of love to you :) Aunty Hilda xox

I want to ask a girl to be my valentine....How do I not be ashamed of who I am?

Thanks for your question - I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling uncomfortable about who you are....Feeling ashamed of who you are often comes from messages—sometimes loud, sometimes quiet—that tell you you’re different in a way that isn’t okay. But here’s the truth: there is nothing wrong with you. The shame you feel isn’t yours—it’s something the world teaches, and you don’t have to carry it. Loving who you love isn’t something to apologise for. The fear of rejection or judgment is real, but it doesn’t mean you’re wrong—it means society still has a lot of catching up to do. And that’s not on you. If you feel shame, ask yourself: Whose voice is this? Where did I learn to feel like this part of me is something to hide? Then remind yourself: You are not a mistake. You are not alone. You deserve to take up space exactly as you are. Asking someone to be your Valentine isn’t about proving anything—it’s about choosing joy over fear, and that’s a beautiful act of self-trust. No matter how she responds, you’re stepping into who you are, and that’s powerful. Best of luck to you! LOts of love, Aunty HIlda xox

How do I give my boyfriend a blow job so that he enjoys it?

Thanks for asking this question - This is a really personal topic, and the most important thing to remember is that your comfort and boundaries matter just as much as his pleasure—if not more. If you’re asking this because you want to, that’s one thing. But if you feel like you should or that it’s expected, pause and check in with yourself. If you do choose to, communication is key. You’re not a mind reader, and he’s not expecting you to be. Ask what he likes, go at your own pace, and pay attention to what feels comfortable for you, too. But honestly? If he cares about you, he’ll be way more into you being into it, rather than some perfect technique. That said, if you’re feeling pressured, unsure, or not 100% into it, that’s a huge sign to step back. You are never responsible for someone else’s pleasure at the cost of your own comfort. Good sex is all about communication - best of luck! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm into this person, but I think they find me annoying - how can I be more chill?

Hi, thanks for your question :) First off—don’t shrink yourself to be “less annoying.” If someone truly likes you, they’ll like you for who you are, not a watered-down version. That said, if you’re feeling like you’re coming on too strong, try: Matching their energy. If they’re more low-key, ease into their vibe instead of overcompensating. Giving them space. Sometimes less is more—see if they engage more when you take a step back. Being confident in your own presence. People are drawn to those who feel secure in themselves. Instead of focusing on how they see you, focus on how you feel when you're around them. If they really do find you annoying, then maybe they’re just not your person—and that’s okay. You deserve to be around people who love you for exactly who you are. All the best! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I only like people romantically when they don't like me back. IDK what to do.....

Thanks for this great, not so uncommon question - It’s great that you’ve noticed this pattern, it shows a great level of self-awareness. Here are some possible reasons this might be happening: The Thrill of the Chase: Liking someone who doesn’t like you can feel exciting or mysterious. Fear of Vulnerability: It can feel safer emotionally to avoid the risks of a mutual relationship. Self-Worth and Validation: You might subconsciously seek validation by “proving” your worth to someone who isn’t interested. To work through this, try reflecting on why mutual feelings might make you uncomfortable. Challenge any beliefs that relationships should be a “chase,” and remind yourself that healthy, mutual connections are about partnership, not proving yourself. Finally, give people who like you a chance—you deserve someone who values you just as much as you value them. Lots of love and luck, Aunty Hilda xoxox

This girls keeps following me and my friend. I don't want to be mean, but I've had enough. Please help.

Thanks for your question - It sounds like this situation is making you uncomfortable, and it’s okay to feel that way. Here’s how you might try to handle it without being mean: Try talking to her in a calm and kind way. For example, you could say, “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been spending a lot of time around us. Sometimes we just want some space to hang out as a pair. I hope that’s okay.” This sets a boundary without being hurtful. If it feels right, you could invite her to join you and your friend once in a while. She might just be looking for connection, and including her sometimes could help her feel less left out. If talking doesn’t change things, try creating a bit of distance. For example, sit somewhere else at lunch or take a different route between classes. This can send the message without being confrontational. If she still doesn’t respect your boundaries, it’s okay to talk to a trusted adult at school for advice. They can help you navigate this without it turning into a bigger problem. Remember, you can be kind and respectful while standing up for what you need. Setting boundaries is not mean—it’s healthy. Best of luck, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Do guys ever date girls with extra body fat? I am a bit chubby but I do heaps of sports but can't seem to shake it. Others comment on it in a negative way - a lot. Guys seem to be interested over message, but never in person, so I'm just wondering if that is what the problem is?

Thanks for reaching out with this question - First of all, I’m really sorry people have made negative comments about your body. That’s unfair and hurtful, and it says more about them than it does about you. Your body doesn’t define your worth, and there’s no one "right" way to look to be deserving of respect or love. To answer your question: yes, absolutely, guys date girls with all different body types, including those with extra body fat. Attraction is about so much more than size—personality, confidence, and connection play a huge role. It’s also worth thinking about the kind of people you want in your life. If someone judges you based solely on your body, they’re not someone worth your time or energy. You deserve to be around people who appreciate you for you—your talents, your humour, your kindness, and everything that makes you unique. As for guys seeming interested over messages but not in person, that could be about a lot of things. It might not even be about you—it could be about their own insecurities or fear of what others think. But that’s not something you can control, and it’s not your responsibility to change yourself for anyone. Focus on what makes you feel good—whether it’s sports, friends, or things you enjoy—and the right people will come into your life who see how amazing you are just as you are. best of luck to you and lots of love, Aunty HIlda xoxox

Help! I'm into this girls and I feel like the way she looks at me is special - but then I see her looking at other people the same way! She seems to like hugs from me (even though she says she's not into hugs). Do you think she might feel a little bit the same and how do I test this??

Thanks for a great question. It sounds like you’ve picked up on some mixed signals, which can definitely be confusing! The way she looks at you or enjoys your hugs (even if she’s “not into hugs”) could mean she feels a connection—but it’s not a guarantee. People can sometimes behave warmly without it being romantic. At the same time, her actions show she values your presence, which is a good sign! Maybe pay her a casual compliment, like “I really like hanging out with you,” or “You’re fun to be around.” See how she responds—does she smile or seem to enjoy hearing it? Positive feedback is a good sign. Watch how she interacts with others. If her hugs or looks toward you seem different from how she treats others, it might suggest she feels something more.... If possible, try spending time with her one-on-one. It can give you both a chance to connect without distractions and see if there’s something deeper. And maybe when the moment feels right, you could say something like, “I really like spending time with you. Do you think there’s something more between us?” It takes courage, but it’s the clearest way to find out how she feels. If it turns out she doesn’t feel the same, it’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong, and you’ll learn and grow from the experience. But if she does feel something, taking this step could bring you closer. Good luck! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I've been spending a lot of time online and meeting people there, mostly guys. Over the last while they've asked me to send them nudes and now they are threatening me to do really inappropriate things with them on video calls or they'll leak my pictures. I don't know what to do. Please help

Thank you for reaching out with this really important safety question. I’m so sorry you’re going through this—it’s a really scary and overwhelming situation, but you don’t have to face it alone. Take a deep breath. This is not your fault. The people threatening you are trying to make you feel powerless, but there are steps you can take to regain control. No matter what they say or how much they pressure you, do not send more photos or do what they’re demanding. Giving them what they want will only make things worse, not better. It's important to talk to talk to someone you trust—a parent, school counsellor, or another adult who can help you. It might feel embarrassing, but they’re there to protect and support you. They can help you take action and keep you safe. Block the person on all platforms immediately. Most social media apps and websites have ways to report this kind of behaviour. If you’re not sure how, ask someone you trust or look up guides for the platform you’re using. This is serious and illegal. What they’re doing is called sextortion, and the police are there to help protect you. Reporting it might feel intimidating, but it’s an important step to stop them from hurting you or others. This situation can feel really heavy, and you deserve support. Talk to a counsellor or someone who can help you process your feelings and get through this. You don’t have to carry this alone. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

On my first day of school this year I fell in love with a boy on the bus. It was love at first sight. We live in the same area and we have chatted a little bit, but the conversation didn't develop beyond that. How can I open up a conversation with a 17 year old boy??

Thanks for a great question - That sounds like an exciting crush! Starting a conversation with someone you like can feel nerve-wracking, but it doesn’t have to be complicated. Being authentic is the best way to make a real connection. You don’t need a perfect line—just show genuine interest in him. Sometimes a simple “Hey, how’s it going?” is all you need to start a great conversation. If he seems a bit shy or doesn’t respond much at first, don’t get discouraged. Building a connection takes time, and even short chats can lead to longer conversations as he gets more comfortable. You’ve already got a great starting point by chatting a little and living in the same area. Trust yourself and take it one step at a time—he might just be waiting for you to make the first move! Best of luck! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

How do I know I'm in a one sided crush and how friendly can you be before someone realises you're into them?

Thanks for a great question! It' can be so rough not knowing if someone likes you... So - How to Tell if It’s One-Sided - Do They Show Interest? Do they start conversations with you, ask you questions, or seem genuinely curious about your life? If they only respond politely but don’t seem eager to keep the conversation going, it could mean their feelings aren’t the same. Pay attention to their body language. Are they looking at you when you’re talking, smiling a lot, or leaning in when you’re around? These can be signs they enjoy your company. If they seem distracted or uninterested, it might be more one-sided. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if they’re being kind and friendly just to you or if that’s how they are with everyone. If they act the same way around other people, their friendliness might not mean romantic interest. If they’re giving you mixed signals—like being super nice one moment but distant the next—it might mean they’re unsure about their feelings. This doesn’t mean they’re not interested, but it can be confusing to navigate. f you’re worried about being too obvious, think about how much effort you’re putting in compared to them. If you’re always initiating conversations or making plans, try stepping back a little and see if they make an effort too. If it feels like your crush isn’t reciprocating, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you—sometimes feelings just don’t match up. Focus on being yourself, and remember that the right connection will happen when it’s mutual. You’re doing a great job being thoughtful about your feelings and how you interact. Crushes can be tricky, but they’re also a chance to learn more about what you want in a relationship. Best of luck to you! LOts of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My question is referring to a previous question about girls 'not respecting boundaries'. (See Q further down) Is the purpose of this website not to create less taboo around sex and relationships? If there are people who look down on other girls and judge them for opening up about their experiences, is that not defeating the purpose of Aunty Hilda?If talking and sharing is our power, then why are there girls who find it impure and repulsive to talk about these subjects and feel the need to repress our right to speak on these matters all over again?

Thank you for a fantastic and well thought out question. I couldn't agree with you more - we need to be having conversations, talking and sharing and removing the taboo about aspects of femininity and sexuality. I think the last person was talking about the way that the talking was taking place - private details being shouted across the lunchroom etc. My thought here is that does the other person being talked about in public know about it and have they given consent for private and intimate things to be shared? As with any topic, we need to be mindful of how we make others feel and ensure that we are respectful of everyone being spoken about and those who can hear. I love your passionate response and the way that you believe in our right for sexual freedom - whatever that might look like. For some people that means they don't want anything to do with sex, which is also a right to their sexual freedom in this case. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Love it! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I'm finding it really hard. I've heard so many stories from friends in my year where they have 'sex' but don't remember anything. They were very drunk, passed out, sometimes pressured, coerced, forced and worse. But it's the most normalised thing ever. I try to tell them that it's not right but then everyone says it's normal, but I know it's not. I try to be an active bystander and step in from time to time, but my friends tell me I'm being overkill. What do I do??

Thank you for your question about a really challenging topic. Sex and relationships can be really difficult - not only because they can be tricky to navigate, but because the things that are expected of us, or the ways we think we should be behaving are often not the things we feel comfortable with. The things you describe are not ok - having sex without being able to consent, means that someone has taken advantage of a persons vulnerability and has therefore committed an offence (in legal terms). In real life, it means that people can feel really gross, violated, confused, used and humiliated. I wonder who benefits from these things being 'normal'? When things are normalised, then the people who complain are often seen as the ones with the problem. THAT is a big problem! I think it's really important for the young women to be able to talk about how they feel about what happened in a safe way - if they say it wasn't ok, are they afraid someone will blame them for being drunk/a slut/ asking for it etc.... And what will the boys say if she complains about what happened to her?? These issues are serious and wrong and you are right to be concerned. Sex and consent is a lot more than just being "into it". Women consent to sex for all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do with actually wanting to have sex - like social pressure, wanting to be liked by the boy, not wanting to be seen as a 'prude' starting something and getting pressure to continue..... We need to support each other to be able to say how we really feel and not pretend that we are ok with sexual assault being normal. We can do so much better than this. Thank you for your question and keep having the conversations. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Why does the person I like be really receptive (especially when we are on our own) and sometimes shuts everyone out and is really unreceptive. Do you think they like me or not? I'm sick of being hot, cold, maybe....

Hi and thanks for your question. This is such a horrible feeling - being in the dark about how someone feels about you, especially when you really like them. There have been a lot of questions about boys (you haven't mentioned if this person is boy/girl/non-binary, so I'm making a general statement here about other questions) - but it's often said how boys are really nice with a girl and then turn into someone else when they're with their mates. Which version of them is true? and which version of them can you trust? In your case, it feels like you're being dragged around by someone else's whims and you don't know where you stand. That's a horrible place to be. The hard but necessary thing here is to have a straight up conversation. Find out for sure so you can get on with your life, either with, or without them as a special love interest. All the very best. You deserve it. Lots of love to you, xoxoxox

I feel like I'm settling for my boyfriend because I can't be with the person I really love, but I don't want to feel like I'm using him. What should I do?

Hey - ouch that sounds really hard. Not being able to be with the one you truly want to be with is a horrible and challenging feeling. It doesn't mean that you can't also have really strong feelings for the person you are with, but it sounds like that's not really the case? Being with someone to fill a gap for someone else isn't doing either of you any favours. What might it be like to be single and figure out some more about yourself in the mean time? You don't owe anyone anything - but you do owe it to yourself to be honest with yourself, and give yourself the best chance at getting to know who you are without someone who isn't the right person confusing the situation. And for your boyfriend to be able to find the right person for him, rather than being in something that isn't what he thinks it is. Being alone can seem scary or sometimes there's a lot of pressure to be in a relationship. Do what's right for you. All the best and lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda, xoxox

I might be pregnant and my boyfriend thinks it's his, but I cheated on him multiple times. How do I have that conversation with him?

Hi there, that sounds like a tricky situation to be in. I hope you are getting the support you need around the possible pregnancy - Sexual Wellbeing Aotearoa - Level 7/10 George Street, Central Dunedin, Dunedin (ph)07 810 6610 are a great place to go for free advice and consultations. Having open and honest conversations can be difficult, but it's always a good idea. Your boyfriend deserves to know that he is not in an exclusive relationship, and you deserve to be able to do what is right for you without feeling guilty and stuck. Talking with your boyfriend about what it is that you both want and need from the relationship might help you decide to change the parameters of your partnership, or decide to move on. Either way, this is a great time to have a real conversation together. Best of luck to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

What do i do if my boyfriend tried to give me oral sex (go down on me, eat me out), but I got scared and stopped him?

Hi there and thanks for your great question! heterosexual oral sex is a very interesting thing when we compare it between guys and gals. You might have noticed or heard, that guys want it and talk about it and girls often think that is something they should give or do. Guys in general are really familiar and comfortable with their penis - they can see it, (and see each others) they have easy access to it and hold it often - like going for a pee as well as masturbating. Girls on the other hand generally have a very different relationship with their genitals. We can't see them and we don't have to touch them for anything (like peeing). Girls are often worried about "what it's like down there" and feel embarrassed - does it smell funny, does it look weird? And because we can't see what other girls' labia and and clitoris and vagina opening look like (when we're getting change together etc you can't see anything except the mons pubis (The fleshy mound in front of your pubic bone that grows pubic hair). So! That can make it really uncomfortable and anxiety inducing if a guy wants to put his face there! But here's the thing - every single one of us looks different down there, so that's not an issue. Our vaginas are self cleaning, which is pretty amazing, but showering regularly is important to wash away the general sweaty day to day situation. The clitoris is the female pleasure spot (The little fleshy pea-sized nub that sits under a fold of skin called the clitoral hood, just at the top of the vulva just above where the inner labia (the folds of skin) meet. This is a really important part of sexual pleasure for a female and the clitoros needs to stimulated, by fingers - or a tongue - in order for a woman to be able to achieve orgasm. (A small percentage of women only need penis in vagina stimulation, but this is rare, like about 10%). So my advice to you would be get to know your won body first - look in a mirror, notice how things feel and make friends with your own bits. If you feel comfortable with them, you won't need to feel worried about what someone else thinks. Best of luck! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

How do I lose feelings FAST? I'm into someone who is never going to be into me, so how do I stop liking them?

Thank you for a great question - I'm really sorry you are experiencing this. It's a very normal, but very painful thing to go through. THere are a few things you can do to help yourself in this situation - 1. Limit the contact you have with this person, either irl or oonline, try and avoid seeing them. Keep focussed with other things - hobbies and activities that matter to you and remind you of who you are. You're already doing great because you have acknowledged that the feelings won't be coming back your way. It's painful but an important part of protecting yourself and being able to move on. Talking with friends or journalling your thoughts can help your process what you're going though and help you ove on. Thinking about what is possible for you and what you can do and have (rather than what you can't) is also a mental shift that can help you let go. And finally, be kind to yourself, priorotise your wellbeing and give yourself care and time. It'll happen, just not overnight. Best of luck to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

Whenever I think about this person not liking me or liking me back, or someone else liking them, I feel like I'm going to vomit. Am I sick?

Thank you for your great question. I'm so sorry you are going through this - It's very common to feel big emotions and a really horrible feeling. Please know you are not sick and it will pass. It sounds like there are lots of things going on for you and you might want to reflect on what they are - are you afraid of rejection or worried about judgement and what might this intense anxiety mean? Pausing and thinking about whether this is coming from internal expectations or past experiences of rejection might be helpful. Finding ways to ground and calm yourself, like deep breathing and grounding yourself in the present moment could all be helpful ways to manage. Reaching out to someone to talk to about this might also be a good idea. Take care, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I feel really uncomfortable by the way my "friends" are treating me. They make me cry at school sometimes and I don't feel safe going to school. I don't know what to do.

Thank you for your question. I'm really sorry to hear that your friends are treating you this way. Sadly this can be a common experience for some girls, but it is never ok. Is there anyone else in the group that you might be able to talk to about how you are feeling? Maybe one of the group is someone you can confide in? Otherwise, it's a really good idea to seek out an adult, like the counsellor or a trusted teacher and talk about this more. Telling them doesn't mean they will do anything without you saying it's ok first. Remember that there are other people who you could be friends with, without needing to stay with people who treat you badly. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

I'm feeling really uncomfortable about how some girls are behaving in the lunchroom, talking about private relationship things, comparing private details and singling out girls and making fun of things they have said. Lots of them are underage too. What can be done about this?

Thanks for your question, it sounds like some people have forgotten to be respectful of their partners, others and their surroundings. It sounds like you are feeling really uncomfortable with this, which is a valid thing to be feeling. It would be a good idea to talk about this in confidence with your dean, or with your school counsellor, so that something can be done in a more general sense. Everyone needs to understand there are boundaries about how people are spoken about and relationship details should be private, in order to respect them when they are not there. Best of luck discussing this with someone else who can help. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

How do I break up with a long distance partner of years?

Hello, and thanks for asking a question about a big decision and feeling. Breaking up is never easy, and long distance doesn't necessarily make it any easier. Make sure you try and do it face to face, or on video call. Texting is not really ok.... Respect, clarity and empathy are important for both of you, so be clear about your thoughts and feelings, and kind in the delivery. Because long distance relationships are all about communication, be prepared for your partner to have an emotional reaction, especially if they didn't see this coming. Thinking about how to manage the post break up communication and having clear boundaries around how you want to manage this is a good thing to have thought through and then discuss to have some agreement. Best of luck to you, with lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

How can you tell if a friend is fake?

Hi, thanks for your question. Friendships can be complicated, but there are some signs a friend may be fake - They might show inconsistent support and only be there for you when it suits them. A healthy friendship is all about give and take, but a fake friend will take more than they give. They often don't show any interest in you or your experiences or feelings, and instead only talk about themselves or reach out to you when they need something. They might be jealous or put you down a lot, or gossip about you, and only be around when there's fun to be had. They might compete with you instead of work with you and if you've shared any vulnerabilities with them, they might share these with others and use them against you.... I hope this helps. LOts of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Why do I randomly start crying? I'll be reading something and then just burst into tears?? Most people say "oh you're just hormonal, but do I really want to be boiled down to just some chemicals in my brain?

Hi there, thanks for your great question. Sometimes crying can feel really annoying, especially when it seems inconvenient! It can make you feel fragile and embarrassed, but crying is really important for lots of reasons. Tears have a chemical in them that brings you back to balance. When we are angry, hysterically laughing, sad, frustrated, these are all reasons for us to start crying and every time it soothes us. Crying is a great way to release tension - some people learn to love how it recalibrates their emotional state. Love your tears! They are your friend :) Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Are there actually any guys out there like in books, or is that just fiction? I hope it's not....

Hey, that's such a good question. Hmmmm, I'm assuming you mean the gorgeous, attentive, romantic, kind, prince-like, smooth, perfect in every way guy?? Sadly there is no such thing as a perfect human and while there are definitely lovely people out there, everyone has their faults and the experiences and family impacts that complicate how they behave under pressure. It's normal to fantasise about the perfect partner. Best of luck! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My Mum is so protective sometimes. She doesn't like me hanging out at the mall with my friends and my curfew is way earlier than most people. What should I do?

Hi thanks for your great question. I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling so confined and missing out on doing things with your friends. It sounds like your Mum maybe doesn't know who this is making you feel, or maybe there is a reason for her to be worried? If you haven't tried talking to your Mum about this, then now would be a really great time to sit down and share your thoughts. Best of luck to you with this, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

How do I know if someone likes me? Like sure fire ways- are they more smily when I'm around and laugh lots? I know your other posts mention these things, but I just DON"T KNOW!

Thanks for your great question. It's really hard when we doubt ourselves and overthink the evidence! Here are a few pointers: An open posture, relaxed and interested. Leaning in, showing engagement. Touching, light casual touching on the shoulder, arm or back. Prolonged eye contact, compliments, active listening, playful teasing, nervousness, fidgeting and seeking opportunities to spend time with you. Acts of kindness and protectiveness. I hope this helps!! Best of luck, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

My boyfriend wants our relationship to be polyamorous, he keeps hinting that we should bring in another person and for some reason won't stop talking about my ex boyfriend. I don't want to break up with him, but I'm starting to think he wants a relationship with my ex boyfriend. What should I do?

Thank you for your question. It sounds like this is a confusing and challenging situation for you. My first question is are you happy opening up your relationship at all? Is that something you want to do? Secondly, your ex boyfriend is probably an ex for a reason. It might be a really good idea to have an open and honest conversation with him about what it is he is really wanting. This needs some communication for sure. Best of luck, love Aunty Hilda xoxox

My Dad is in a new relationship and every night when I stay at their house I hear them having sex in the room next door and it's really loud! It makes me feel really uncomfortable but I don't want to have that awkward conversation with my Dad.....

Thank you for reaching out with this problem you're having. It is not a comfortable experience listening to your parents/a parent having sex. They are doing something positive in their relationship, however, you are allowed to feel comfortable in your bedroom too. Getting some change to happen here is going to require some bravery from you! Maybe you could hint at the fact that you're not sleeping well and that you are often awake at their place... Or maybe you could send Dad a text and let him know that it's an awkward conversation you don't want to have, but you'd like him to know. If they don't know, they won't change, so you'll need to take a deep breath and have a courageous conversation!! Best of luck to you, love Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

I'm confused by some people wanting to use pronouns of Zi and Zir. What does that mean?

Hi, thanks for your great question :) Zi (or Ze) and Zir are gender neutral pronouns, that people who are not comfortable using traditional binary pronouns like he/him and she/her might choose to use. They don't relate to specific gender, which makes it more inclusive for people who identify as genderqueer, nonbinary or outside of the traditional male and female gender spectrum. For example, instead of saying "She went to the shop", you would say "Zi went to the shop". or instead of "I saw him yesterday", you'd say "I saw zir yesterday". It's important to use the pronouns a person tells you they prefer, to show respect for their identity. I hope that helps to answer your question. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I compare my self harm to other peoples and sometimes feel like I'm not valid compared to people with worse scars than me. How do I stop feeling like I'm not bad enough to be valid?

Hello, thank you for reaching out with this question. It sounds like you are and have been really struggling with how you are feeling. I'm really sorry to hear that things feel so hard for you sometimes. Reaching out in this way really shows that a part of you wants to get help and improve how you are managing and feeling. I wonder what the self harm represents for you and how you might be able to look at some other ways to find validation for your pain? Your emotional hurt is looking for care and kindness, is there a way that you can reach out and find some of that and look at other ways to dampen your distress rather than through self harm? Maybe if you could email Marcelle and find a time to meet, she could work alongside you to help you find some other solutions and strategies. You are completely valid. You are worthy and loveable and a wonderful human. Sending lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My friend who I started hanging out with at the start of the year is now hanging out with another girl and now she doesn't even say hi or bye to me. What should I do?

Hi, thank you for your question. I'm really sorry to hear your friend is treating you this way. It feels completely awful to be excluded and ignored, especially when there's no apparent reason. I wonder if you want to be friends with someone who treats you this badly, or if you think trying to find a solution to the problem is worth your effort? Is she someone whom you think is a really special person and who has made your life better because of the friendship you had? Or might it be worth thinking about finding people who show you the respect and kindness that you deserve in a friendship? If you think the friendship is worth fighting for, then I would encourage you to talk with her and explain how this is making you feel. There might be something that can be sorted out if you discuss this with her. At the end of the day, a good question to ask yourself is 'is this how I want to be treated by a friend and is this an example of what a good friend would do'? Best of luck to you and lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Am I in the wrong for wanting to break up with my boyfriend who I have been together with for two years? We know each others deepest secrets and are sexually active, but recently he's not been interested. I got suspicious and went through his phone ahnd found heaps of other girls numbers and nudes. I confronted him and now he's begging me to forgive him and making me feel bad for wanting to break up. Some of my friends are saying to forgive him and that it's normal for guys to do this, but I don't feel comfortable staying with him if this is what he's doing.

What an awful thing to experience. You have been in a trusting relationship for two years and you have the right to assume that you will be treated with respect, integrity, dignity and honesty. It is disappointing to hear that some of your friends are suggesting that this behaviour is both normal and ok. Boys are capable of much better than that and a good young man would not be doing this. He knows he did wrong because he's asking for forgiveness - I wonder if he's upset that he got caught and if you hadn't looked on his phone, he would still be doing this. You clearly respect yourself and have a good idea about the kind of relationship you want and deserve. Trust your gut and know that we validate how you are feeling - you are definitely not in the wrong! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

I was really close to a girl and now I'm close with another girl. The first one is being really mean to my new friend and is clearly excluding her on purpose. When she says something she shuts her down and doesn't invite her anywhere to do stuff with our friends. What should I do?

I'm really sorry to hear that you are in a difficult situation with your friends. That is a hard place for you to be. If you haven't had a conversation with the mean friend, then maybe telling her how you're feeling might be a good idea. Alternatively, you could mention things in the moment, like when she doesn't invite her, you could say "And you can come to....." etc. Calling her out on being exclusive in the moments that they happen might be a good way to address this. best of luck with this and thank you for being a thoughtful and kind friend. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

I'm worried about my peers and year group and the decline of the mental health of the group. Eating issues, self harm and suicidal thinking seem to be more common. I'm worried about the wellbeing of my peers. What can be done and what can I do?

Thank you so much for noticing your peers and caring about their wellbeing. It must be a very worrying thing for you to notice and definitely a feeling of helplessness. This is big issue that needs some more time and attention. If you were able to contact Marcelle, then there could be some collaboration and support structures etc put in place. It would be good to talk with the year group and find out more about what they think the issues are and what solutions they might have themselves. If you could reach out with some more information, then we could do something more proactive. For you as a friend, then being clear with your friends about your concerns is important, but also making sure that you look after yourself and don't take on everyones problems and concerns. Take care, lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I have a group of friends and they often hang out as a big group without me. I'm often not allowed to go but I can't help feel sad they have stopped asking me. I sit home alone and see their stories with all the photos of them out without me. I'm not an introvert and want to be included. I don't know what to do.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. It's a truly awful feeling being left out like that. You must feel very alone at times. Maybe your friends assume you are going to say no - but maybe you could tell them how you are feeling and also find some ways to organise a get together that works for your parents and allows you to be included. Have you explained to your parents how this is impacting you? Maybe you can negotiate some things with them? Let your friends know that you're trying to be more involved so they understand your situation a bit more. best of luck to you - it's a hard spot to be in. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I like someone but I can't tell if I actually like someone or if I'm just bored.

Thanks for your great question. This is a very common feeling for a lot of people - especially since a lot of the time people are meeting and talking on line. This makes it hard because you don't know if the connection is genuine or you're trying to fill in time! If you are wondering if you're bored - you probably are.... when someone really gets your attention, you usually know straight away, because it feels different. Taking time to do something off line can be really beneficial in helping with boredom and preventing getting into something you don't really want to be in. It's great you are wondering... keep checking in with yourself and notice how you're feeling. Best of luck to you xxx lots of love Aunty Hilda

I don't think my friends like me - what should I do?

I'm so sorry to hear you are experiencing this. This is such an awful feeling to have. I wonder if there is someone in your friend group that you feel comfortable to talk to about this? There might be something that's happened, or maybe you are reading into something that isn't about you.Sometimes when we are not feeling good, we can assume things that aren't really true. It's really important to make sure that you stay included by including yourself. Don't let the worry contribute more, by making yourself invisible. Be careful of the story you are telling yourself. Check for facts and be kind to youself xx lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Me and boyfriend have been having unprotected sex because he doesn't like the feel of condoms and I don't want to take the pill incase it causes negative side effects. What should I do?

Hi there, great question! Firstly, it's important that you feel comfortable about the situation - would you prefer it if your boyfriend used a condom? That can be a non negotiable request. It's not really fair that you are putting yourself at risk (of pregnancy and infection) so that he can maximise his pleasure. There are many condoms that are super thin and don't interfere with the positive sexual experience. If you do decide to go on the pill, there are some things to consider, however, there are plenty of benefits too. Check out this website for some more info https://sexualwellbeing.org.nz/srv/getting-contraception/. best of luck! Aunty hilda xoxoxox

I was talking to my boyfriend about when we have sex and how we will make it good. I talked to him about the clitoris and how that's an important place for female pleasure but he had never heard of it and neither had any of his friends. How am I supposed to have that conversation?

Thanks for this great question - it's very disappointing to hear that he and his friends don't know about such an important part of the female body. It's so great to hear that you are both discussing what you will do and where your boundaries are and what you do and don't feel comfortable with. That is awesome! For the clitoris conversation, he will have to understand, with your help, that the clitoris needs seperate attention and that unlike the movies, penis in vagina intercourse does not usually make sufficient contact with the clitoris. There are some good diagrams to at least show him where it is - check out the one on here in the body page. Good on you for having this great conversation! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I found out that my ex boyfriend from a few months ago took photos of us while we were having sex, without me knowing. He then shared those with his mates - i feel so angry and betrayed. I'm not sure what to do with my feelings

We are so very sorry to hear this terrible injustice has happened to you. This crossed all the boundaries of a trusting relationship. Please be kind to yourself about having been in the relationship in the first place - I'm sure there were many good things about him that you liked. Unfortunately we have heard about this kind of thing a number of times, you are not alone with this. Nothing you did brought this on - he is fully responsible for this wrongdoing. There are a number of people you can talk to about this - the police being one of them. Please talk to someone and get the support you need. You have every right to feel angry and betrayed, but please be gentle with yourself. Keep in touch, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My boyfriends friends are so rude about other girls. They call them disgusting names and make fun about their bodies and what they think they'd like to do with them sexually. It makes me feel sick. My boyfriend isn't like that when we are alone. So who is he really? The guy mates version or the version with me? I'm so confused.... and disappointed.

I'm so sorry to hear that your boyfriend is letting you down in this way. It must be very confusing to know what part of his personality you can trust. I wonder if you have discussed this with him already? Often boys feel they need to perform in front of their mates and be the kind of 'man' they think they are supposed to be. Maybe if you talk to your boyfriend about how this is making you feel and encourage him to think about what he is actually saying, or agreeing with. He might see how he is contributing to gendered harm and sexism in general. If he cares about you, then he will not want you to feel like this. Best of luck, we are here for you. Love Aunty Hilda xoxox

My friend seems to always make fun of me and be rude to me in front of others. She says it's just her humour but she doesn't do it with other people....I've told her how it makes me feel, but we're still friends.... What should I do?

I'm sorry to hear that you are in this situation with your friend being mean to you. This is a really horrible feeling when someone you should be able to fully trust, is causing you pain. Unfortunately this is not an uncommon experience. When people do this it is often about them exerting power over someone - and while they know what they are doing, they possibly haven't taken the time to reflect on themselves or the consequences of their behaviour. Normally we would say to talk to your friend about this, but since you already have, it is disappointing that this hasn't changed. However, another conversation about this would be a good idea, especially since it would seem there has been a good friendship in the past. Tell her how you're feeling and how this is affecting your relationship. Best of luck, love Aunty Hilda xoxox

I realised after the Aunty Hilda assembly this week, that I am complying rather than consenting when I'm with my boyfriend. I have told him that just because we have done this thing once, doesn't mean I want to do it every time. He did say that now he is my boyfriend he should be allowed to do this. I don't know what the next steps are.....

We are so sorry to hear that you are in this situation. You should not be dealing with this. Since you have already spoken to him about this, it is of concern that he is choosing not to respect your boundaries. We are particularly concerned that he said he should be able to do this because he's your boyfriend. This is a serious red flag! That is essentially him saying that your body belongs to him. Nothing about that is ok. Please look after yourself in this. He likes you enough to want to have sex with you - but he doesn't care about or respect you enough to wait, or respect your boundaries. Best of luck with this - you deserve a lot better love Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

I broke up with my ex six months ago, and I still love them, but they have moved on. What do I do?

Dealing with a break up is hard, but especially hard when you still have strong feelings for the person. It's normal to have a huge range of emotions because you are dealing with the loss of a special relationship and when we have loss, we have grief. Grief is painful and confusing and is different for everyone. But it's really important to know that you are not alone with these feelings - right now there are millions of people experiencing similar things. Maybe connect with them in your mind and feel supported by them too. For you now, it's about being really kind to yourself. Allowing yourself to move through all the emotions that come with this experience. Hold onto the things from that relationship which were helpful, see it as a wonderful contribution to the person you are and the woman you are becoming. These hurts and experiences help us be better, wiser and ultimately human. Love yourself and love your grief, it's a sign of the wonderful person you are. Hugs and love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My friend thinks she's better than us now that she's done stuff with a guy, but she was drunk, so I'm not sure it counts. What do I do, because I want to stay friends.

Thank you for your great question! It can be really difficult when our friends find a new exciting thing that they then talk about a lot. Especially if they make it seem like they are better than us somehow. You obviously want to stay friends with her which means you need to have a brave conversation about how you're feeling. You could start it with "I'm feeling a little bit undervalued in our friendship at the moment. I'm excited for you about your new boy experiences, but it's making me feel like I'm not as good as you because I haven't done those things"....... or something like that...Conversations are your best tool! Best of luck to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

One of our friends changes her voice into a really high pitched childish voice when she's around adults. What's going on?

Thanks for this interesting question. It is actually quite a common thing (but as you have alluded to, can be quite annoying at times) and is often used in interactions with authority figures. This behavior may serve to reduce perceived threats or seek sympathy or leniency by appearing less threatening and more submissive. When we do this infront of adults, then we are potentially trying to win their favour and get our own way... Your friend obviously feels like she needs to appeal to their kindness and avoid an angry or negative response. It's very common, but understandably can be an annoying thing to be around at times! It's also more common amongst women and girls, trying to make themselves seem childish, when as women, we should really be standing strong in our bodies, sharing our opinions and thoughts from a place of equity and validity. There should be no reason to make ourselves less than.....Lots of luck to you with being able to continue these conversations with your friend :) Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My friends often forget I'm in the same class as them and that I have been to the same events WITH them. I'm not quiet or reserved, so I don't know why this is happening. How can I make myself more memorable?

Thanks for your question. We are so sorry that you are having this experience. We really want you to know that there is nothing MORE that is needed from you in order to be memorable. You are enough and you are valued. The question here, is are these the right people for you? You should feel valued and embraced and accepted and welcomed and a full part of the group - this is what good friends and your actual "people" will make you feel. Find your people and feel good about the amazing person you already are!!!! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I'm the only gay person in my friendgroup and now they are all talking about the boys they like or are with. I feel awkward talking about girls I like and some of them don't quite know what to say. Should my love life be something I keep to LGBTQIA+ groups or am I able to talk about girls in all-girl friend groups too?

Thank you for your really important question. You are absolutely allowed to talk about your love interests and crushes. They are no different to what your friends are also discussing. While this may feel a little uncomfortable, it would be a great idea to talk about how you are feeling with your friends. let them know what it's like for you and together you can come up with a way that makes everyone feel included and respected and welcome. You have definitely got nothing to hide from anyone. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

What is scissoring?

Thanks for your question. Scissoring is a colloquial term for a sexual position where two people with vulvas rub their genitals together and this is usually by positioning their legs like scissors. This can be a pleasurable thing to do, but like everything, is different for different people and should be part of a consensual, negotiated conversation, where you respect each others boundaries. Best of luck, and lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

How do I become friends with an international student?

What a great question! So many international students will be so pleased to see it! Like with anyone we don't know very well, we have to make a special effort to get to know them better. Ask them to have lunch with you, or go to town after school, or invite them to do a fun activity with you in the weekend. It means we have to be brave sometimes and put ourselves out there, but when we do, people are so grateful and pleased that we have taken the time. You sound like a very thoughtful, kind and inclusive person. Getting to know someone from another culture is such a great experience. Good luck with your new friendship :) Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

How much time is too much time for self-pleasuring/masturbating?

Thanks for your great question. There is no amount that is too much, as it varies from person to person. Masturbation is a normal and healthy part of human sexuality and as long as it's not causing physical or emotional distress or interfering with your daily life, then there is no problem. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I want to have sex but I'm too young and it's illegal and wrong, but I feel ready and lots of people my age have done it. What's your advice?

Thank you for your really important question. Making decisions for ourselves can be so difficult when we see what other people around us are doing - and all of those people come from a different place, with different experiences and views of the world. Having a sexual relationship with someone is a big thing to consider. Sex involves a lot of emotion and sometimes, if you are not in a relationship, it can feel like you have been used. Having sex is not a race, so make sure you have given it plenty of thought - especially what it is you feel comfortable to do. There's no rush to 'get it out of the way'. Get to know your own body and have a think about why you want to have sex now. There's nothing wrong with wanting to - just make sure you have thought through what is right for you. Best of luck to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

A lot of guys talk about anal sex, but me and my friends think this is an awful idea - what are we supposed to think or do??

Thank you so much for your really important question. Anal sex gets a lot of attention in pornography and this has made this idea 'normal' for many young men. Like anything to do with sex, no one should ever make you feel pressured into doing something you don't want to do. The issue with anal sex, is that it is often very uncomfortable and painful for women. That part of a womans body is actually really different to a mans. The skin in a womans anus is much thinner and more prone to damage and unlike men who have a prostate, which makes anal sex pleasurable, women do not. Anal sex has become a common request in heterosexual relationships, by young men who think (because of pornography) that it is what should be done. Pornography isn't real and anal sex is definitely not a requirement! It certainly isn't focussing on what feels good for a woman. Always talk to your partner about what you feel comfortable with. If you're being pressured to do something you don't want to do - they are not the one for you! Best of luck and lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I think one of my friends is depressed - How can I help her?

Thank you for being a caring friend. It can be really worrying for us to see a friend not acting themselves, looking sad, or being down. It can be really helpful to let them know you can see that they aren't themselves - often people feel alone when they are down or depressed, like no one notices. So to say "hey are you ok, I've noticed you haven't been yourself lately and I'd like to help" can be a great way to start. You could encourage them to see the counsellor - this is a great idea , because then you know that they are getting the help they need and you can be their friend and do the fun things that friends should do. It's also really important to look after yourself at this time - are you ok managing your worry about your friend? If you need some support for yourself, then make sure you reach out to the counsellor or someone you trust. Take care, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

My friend is amazing but she always acts so mean and tries to show off around boys. It feels like she's trying to embarrass me every time a boy is around. What should I do?

Thank you for reaching out about this. Sadly this can be a common issue, where friendships can be competitive and rather than uplifting each other, one or both people try and diminish or put down the other. This would be a great time for a brave and honest conversation - face to face and heart to heart. It's important to express how you are feeling and this could really enhance your friendship. Not talking about this could be detrimental to your great relationship. All the best with this!! You deserve your friends respect too. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I like one of my teachers. He gives me butterflies every time he walks past me. I have never felt this way before with anyone. Is this normal? I know it's wrong but the feelings are getting stronger. Should I pursue it?

It's really normal to grow feelings for people you spend a lot of time with. People in authority are often people we look up to, because they may be attractive or wise and kind. BUT this is definitely not something you should pursue. Nothing about this will be good. You will only feel dissapointed and rejected and any kind of questionable conduct from a teacher in that regard means they lose their job and their teacher registration. You will definitely find a young man at some stage who you can have an appropriate and real reciprocal relationship with. It's fine and normal to have a crush - but anything else is totally out of the question. Best of luck moving on from this :) Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I have two friends who seem really into each other - lots of intense eye contact and flirting and blushing and spending time together with inside jokes etc. But it's annoying because neither of them are doing anything about it and it's been going on for ages! The rest of the friend group has decided we are going to wait a few months and then start intervening more - are we doing the right thing?

Thank you for your question. It sounds like it's difficult to watch them when the obvious signals are there for everyone to see, but no one is naming it. I do wonder if this is something that is between them and shouldn't be cause for intervention from the group. If this is bothering you, then maybe talk to them about how it's maing you feel - that their "special" friendship maybe makes some of you feel excluded? And that they have your blessing as a whole group to be real about their feelings and get on with things. (Not that your permission is something they need - but maybe they are not acting on things because they are worried about what you'll all think??) Best of luck with this - sometimes people need time to work things out for themselves and as always, a brave and kind conversation goes a long way. Best of luck to you, Love Aunty Hilda xoxox

Sometime in the last two months my partner and I have gone from talking like partners to feeling like we are acquaintances. We don't talk for more than two minutes and we have no idea what's happening in each others lives. I feel guilty for maybe holding them back from living their life - Our messages look normal at a glance, but they message me first and the messages fall away really quickly. Is it all my fault?

Thanks for reaching out. This sounds hard because you have had a really good relationship and you're now grieving because you feel like it may be coming to an end...? This is a time to be really brave and have a courageous conversation about how you're both feeling and what is coming up next. Sometimes this can mean a friendship can continue, but communication about this is key. You have nothing to feel bad about - this is your relationship and you are doing what feels right for you. Best of luck to you xoxox Aunty Hilda

I may, or may not have a crush on someone who is aromantic

Thank you for question about your tricky situation. Aromantic is when a person does not experience romantic feelings for others, this can make it difficult when someone is attracted to them - like you - it's important to respect their boundaries and recognise for yourself that this is not something that is going to go anywhere other than friendship. Best of luck, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

How do I become better friends with a good friend whose personality is very different to mine?

This is a really great question. We can be friends with all types of people, but often it can take a bit longer to become friends with someone a bit different to us because of our interests or ways of communicating may not be the same. Since you are already good friends, I would suggest asking them to hang out more, do more activities together and this will naturally strengthen your bond. Spending time together talking and doing something fun, is always the very best way to deepen a friendship. Since you are already friends, this shouldn't be too hard. Good luck! It's great having friends who bring different perspectives and ways of being. All the best! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I told a guy I didn't want to have sex with him. Now he's saying he's going to tell everyone I had sex with him and his friend if I don't say yes. I don't know what to do. Everyone likes him and he's got heaps of mates. I feel like I've got no options that work for me. Please help.

Thank you for your question. We are so very sorry to hear that you are in this awful situation. What he is doing is entirely wrong, immature, manipulative and he is actually blackmailing you. You have a few options that we can think of - tell him to get a life and walk away. Deal with the rumours, they'll pass soon enough - especially if enough people know they are not true. We know this is a really scary and horrible thought though. You could seek help from adults who could intervene - maybe your friends could help with this too? Maybe you could take control of this whole situation - tell everyone what the rumour is and take the wind out of it yourself. Let them all know what he was going to do. he sounds like a truly awful person - Please don't ever do anything you don't want to do. Coercion is extremely uncool!!!!! Best of luck to you - and lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

I was talking to a boy for a few months and I decided I didn't need that in my life at the moment and called it quits. Then he told me he still liked his ex. His mates told me they thought he still liked me but I just feel used. We spent so much time at each others places

Thanks for your question - that's a horrible place to be in for you. It sounds like the "I don't want to do this anymore" from you, really affected his ego... saying he still liked his ex is a great way to hurt you back. It's totally fair that you might feel used. That's not how you treat someone you supposedly care about. You have the right to choose what you want for yourself no matter what he says! Chin up girlfriend! Kia Kaha xoxox

What can I do to help my friend if I see that they have been hurting themselves?

Thank you for being a good friend. This is a really tough spot for you to be in. I would recommend telling your friend that you have seen the self harm and that you are worried about how they are. It's important to make sure they know your friendship hasn't changed and you don't view them any differently. You could also encourage them to seek help - especially if you think this is a recurring problem. This is not your problem to fix, but you can be a very positive influence via your support. Good luck - sometime people need help to ask for help. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

What do you do when you know your friend's boyfriend is bad for them but they don't listen. I do respect her but I don't know what to do because I don't want her to get hurt

Thank you for being a good friend. It can be really difficult watching a situation that you feel is harmful for someone you care about. Have you tried explaining to your friend why you are concerned? Rather than critiquing her boyfriend, talk about what you observe and how it makes you feel. It can be hard for people to listen when they feel like they are being criticised, - and even though you have a problem with him - she may still feel like you are criticising her choices and relationship abilities. Be there for her so that when/if it ends, you can be supportive rather than her feeling like she's lost you to "I told you so". Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

What does it feel like to have an orgasm and how do I know if I've had one?

An orgasm is a very intense feeling of pleasure, after a person is sexually aroused and (usually) the clitoris has been stimulated. It can vary for everyone, but can often include pelvic muscle contractions, heightened sensitivity and a feeling of euphoria and relaxation following an orgasm. It's not something that a person wouldn't notice. Good luck and thanks for asking! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I consented to something I didn't want to do and feel really awful about it. Do you have any advice?

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I'm sorry you are feeling like this - feeling regret can be a really hard thing to manage. It's really important to remember that what ever you did in the moment, was the best option you had at that time. We make choices for a variety of reasons and they are not always what we would choose if we could create the perfect scenario. Be kind to yourself about what you felt you had to do. Time is a great friend also. And please reach out to Marcelle if you'd like to talk about ways to manage this more. Lots of love to you always, Aunty hilda xoxox

I often feel like guys don't understand consent - what should I say to them?

I'm pleased you asked this question. The ideas around consent should really just about two people who really want to do something together - from a place of being equal. This requires respect and trust and communication. If you respect someone, then you want them to feel comfortable and you respect their boundaries. Consent should be completely enthusiastically, excitedly a "YES LET"S!!! That's completely different to consenting to something you're not really sure about..... You might have consented, but did you really want to? Or did you like it? Consent doesn't mean it's necessarily good. Consent is NOT being talked into it or pressured - that's coercion. COnsent is required for each new activity, not just at the beginning. You can withdraw your consent at any time, you can change your mind! And consent can't be given if the person is drunk or drugged. Both people should feel safe, valued and respected and heard. It's just basic human rights to not do something to someone they don't want you to do.... Best of luck! Share your knowledge far and wide!! lots of love xoxox

Is it normal to crush on someone and hope they don't like you back because then it would be easier?

Thanks for your question! It's completely normal to think that.... many people much prefer to have the freedom to imagine all the wonderful things about what that person could be and not have it ruined by the reality. Sometimes it's fun to crush on someone from a distance... Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

How do you know you're in love?

That's such a great question! And a bit of a tricky one too.... there are three main things - Lust, Attraction and Attachment. Lust is the sexual attraction we have and the desire to have sex with that person. Attraction, is our desire to be close to them, to spend time with them and have the feelings of butterflies and warm fuzzy unicorn glitter! Then attachment is about the loving bond we create and the support and dependence we feel for each other. Sometimes we can mistake lust or attraction for real love - but it always starts somewhere smaller and grows. Best of luck with this!!! lots of love, Aunty Hilda. xoxox

I'm worried that even though I've been dating this guy (A) long distance for three years, I might be into this other guy (B), who I see almost daily. B is gay and not into girls, and I don't want my relationship with A to end. How do I stop being into B and get into A again?

Thanks for your question - that is a really tricky situation for you! It's really important to acknowledge how difficult a long distance realtionship can be, as well as validate that it's normal to be attracted to more than one person at the same time - regardless of whether they are gay/straight/single or in a relationship. Perhaps think about the kind of relationship you're having with B - try and limit your more intimate conversations and keep those for A. Make more time for A, online and facetime etc and create a clear boundary for yourself with B. Best of luck - it's hard!! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I was sexually assaulted last year by a guy who is friends with a lot of my friends. They don't know what happened and I am not comfortable with telling them but I feel really uncomfortable when they talk about him or hang out with him.

I am so very sorry to hear that happened to you. No one ever deserves or asks for that kind of treatment. It is not ok. We send you a big hug. Maybe you could tell one or two close, trusted friends so that if his name comes up in conversation they know to quickly change the subject. That way you also know that they know and you feel some support in that moment. Maybe you might feel comfortable to talk to one of the guy friends. It can be helpful to have some support from that space too - Just be careful about looking after yourself first! Also, you could talk to Marcelle because I know she can help with managing these things better. We send you lots of love and hugs, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My boyfriend said he'll break up with me if I don't have sex with him, but I'm not ready. What should I do?

Thank you for this dissapointingly common question :( You deserve so much better than that in a relationship. There is no sign of respect here! You have obviously got some great boundaries and understand what it is that you want - don't give up on those values for yourself. An honest conversation with him about how much you like him, but also about how important it is for you to feel heard and respected. If you feel comfortable, there are all sorts of other physically intimate and pleasurable things you can do together that do not involve intercourse. Maybe that is something to consider together. It's clear you know what it right for you - that is awesome!!! Never stray from doing what's best for you. Knowing yourself and what is right is so so great! We are proud of you xox All the best lots of love, xoxox

How do I tell my Mum that I'm self harming?

Thank you for your really important question. I'm really sorry to hear that you are struggling with some things at the moment. This must be a tricky situation for you to be dealing with. It's great that you are thinking about wanting to tell your Mum - Mums and Dads are often really great places for support. Maybe you could start with talking to your Mum about how you've been feeling and the feeling that you have been struggling with. Then you could explain that in order to try and manage, you have been doing xyz. You might then tell her that you would like some support with this and maybe you could also let her know that you have reached out for help. Could you maybe see the school counsellor about this? They will have some great starategies for how to manage overwhelming feelings in a more positive way. Good on you for reaching out - there are lots of people who understand how you are feeling. Take care, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Some of my friends are avoiding me - what should I do?

Thank you for your question. It's such an uncomfortable situation to be dealing with. If you haven't already, then asking them directly from a place of equality can be helpful. For example, "I've noticed our friendship has changed recently, is there something we can do about that? If the friendships are really important to you and you really value them, then having a brave conversation is good. But maybe, they are not the right people for you and finding friends who do want to spend time with you and treat you well, would be the best scenario. Best of luck with this. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I think I have depression, how can I find out and get help?

Thank you for your question. I'm sorry you are not feeling good at the moment. There are some things you can do to find out more about your situation - ie www.thelowdown.co.nz is a great website and has some good advice and questions. It would also be a good idea to reach out to Marcelle, or your GP, and see what strategies they can give you. Sometimes talking things through is a really great first step and can help shrink some of these feelings down into a more manageable size. All the best with reaching out, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

It seems every time I like a boy, he has a girlfriend. What should I do?

Thanks for your question. This is a really hard feeling to manage, but when someone is not available, because they are already with someone else, this is a very important boundary to respect and a fairly clear indicator that he is not the one. Even though it's hard when we like someone, it's important to value yourself in this too. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I tell my parents things, but then they hold it against me. How can I prevent oversharing when I don't have anyone my own age to talk to?

Thanks for your question. It's so important to talk with someone about how you're feeling and share your thoughts, without that being held against you. Sometimes it can be really helpful to talk with a person who is nonjudgemental and is used to hearing those kinds of things. Maybe you could talk to Marcelle? Another option is to find your own way to express yourself - writing, like journalling can be incredibly helpful. If you like the digital option, then the notes app on your phone is an idea, or there are also some nice journalling apps you can get. Friends can be all different ages - and someone older can be a great support if they have had some similar experiences. Best of luck with shareing your feelings safely xoxox Aunty Hilda

I am going to be away from school for a big chunk of time and I am really worried my friends are going to do stuff without me, but mostly that they will forget about me. What can I do?

Thanks for reaching out with your concern. This is a totally understandable worry, we all suffer from FOMO from time to time. There's a lot you can do to help keep these friendships alive - messaging, facetime etc, but also inviting your friends over for a movie night etc etc. Asking them to keep you up to date with what's going on and sharing your concern with them can also be helpful. All the best with managing this situation. I'm sure your friends will really miss you. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I like a guy but I think I like his brother too, what should I do to figure out who I actually like?

Thanks for this really tricky question. It's not unusual to like more than one person at the same time. Maybe you can think about what it is that you like about them - is it their looks, or their personality, or your shared interests? Maybe you need to spend a bit more time deciding what's important to you and not be blinded by what you like. All the very best to you with this! Aunty Hilda xoxox

My bf watches heaps of porn and I'm not feeling comfortable about it

Thanks for your really important question. You are uncomfortable for a really good reason. There are lots of problems with porn, like violence and degrading acts against women and sometimes boys think that is what they are supposed to do and girls think they have to say yes. It might be a really good idea to talk to your bf about how this is making you feel. You deserve to feel special in your relationship and that you are the only one who has a sexual connection with your bf and that you are special in that way to him. If you don't want him to be watching pornography, then you have every right to say that. It is normal for people to be aroused outside of the relationship, but it's important that you decide together what your boundaries are with this. It's normal to be curious and to want to have a look at those kinds of things, but if it becomes something that happens frequently, and something that's relied on, then it is a problem for the individual as well as the relationship. Unfortunately porn has become very accessible and very normalised in our society - that doesn't mean it's ok though. Have a discussion and see how you get on. Best of luck to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Do you know who sends in what question?

Hi there - great question! There is absolutely no way we can see who sends the question in. The only thing we see is the time it was sent. Please be reassured this is completely confidential. Lots of love Aunty Hilda xoxox

I'm being excluded from my friend group - what should I do?

Thank you for your question. That's such a very hard thing to be experiencing - one of the most horrible feelings. It's really important that you try and include yourself. It's common to step back and be more quiet in this situation, and that just makes you less visible. By not including yourself, people see you as not being included and they won't include you..... It's a vicious cirlce. You have to be brave and step into the social space. Invite them to do something, and act the way you would if you were feeling included and feeling good. It's amazing how much people pick up on our confidence (or lack of) and our body language, as to whether we are socially available. Best of luck with this, these things never last forever. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I sometimes feel left out with my friends because I don't have snapchat or tiktok or any social media. What should I do?

Hello :) thanks for your question. Feeling like you're missing out, or being left out, is a really hard and sometimes horrible feeling. Maybe this is a good opportunity to be really present with your communication and put your efforts into real life talking and hanging out. Maybe you could have a conversation with your parents about negotiating some ways that you could try social media, in order to show them that you can manage it appropriately? However, it can also be good to know that after year 10 there is a lot less focus on social media and more focus on rl. It is also a great opportunity for you to talk to your friends about your situation so that they can take this into account and ensure that they include you via texting or facetime. Good luck with this, I know it propbably feels really unfair, but you're not the only one dealing with this. I promise. Lots of love to you, Aunty HIlda xoxox

Where do I go if I think I may have depression.

I am so sorry to hear that you are not feeling good. It is a horrible way to be feeling and I hope that you can find some ways to get some support. You could see your school counsellor, Marcelle, or you could go to your GP, or you could look up www.thelowdown.co.nz or contact a helpline like 1737 or 4357 for lifeline. You can feel better, so please check out one of those options. Thinking of you, lots of love always, Aunty Hilda xoxo

I really like this guy, but he likes my best friend. I don't know what to do.

Thank you for sharing your really tricky situation. This is a really hard situation for you and really painful. This might be a good timie to step away from those feelings, even though it's incredibly hard. Your best friend will always be more important than any boy and you don't want to risk the friendship. There's no easy way around this. Be kind to yourself and gentle with your heart, this feeling won't last forever. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

Why do so many people send dick pics?

That is a really great question..... sending a dick pic when it has not been asked for, is aggressive, a violation of your personal space, and unnecessary. Like other things on social media, if you can't say it to their face, you shouldn't say it. And here, if you wouldn't show your body parts to the actual person, then it definitely shouldn't be sent! There is an assumption by many young men that their penis holds power and represents their macho mascullinity, but girls are called sluts if they do the same thing.... there is a definite imbalance here! Be careful about who you add on social media. It's not ok to get dick pics if you haven't asked for one. Best of luck, Aunty Hilda xox

A boy made a comment about how I look and now I feel really insecure and he didn't care

Hello petal, I am so very sorry to hear this has happened to you. Firstly, that boy had no right to comment on your body. That is something that no one should ever do. Some very immature and unkind boys think that they can bring you down by making you feel bad about your body or your appearance. The hard part here is to completely disregard his comments as anything at all to do with you - those comments say a lot about him, and nothing about you. You might want to think about if you want this person in your life. You ARE beautiful and you ARE worthy. His words only have meaning if you give them space in your life. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Why is it a bad thing to send nudes?

Thank you for your very important question. Nudity and being nude, can be a great thing, celebrating your body and enjoying the freedom! Sending nudes however, can get very complicated - you no longer have any control about what happens to that image (even if you trust the person) and boys can sometimes be very disrespectful. Even if you're a in a relationship with someone doesn't mean there is an expectation on you to have to send nudes. Also thinking about what happens to those images should you break up, is an important consideration. Sometime there can be threats and pressure to send nudes - that is never, ever ok. Also receiving images (dick pics) without your consent, is not ok either. There are important legal issues to consider: it is actually illegal to send 'objectionalble' images if you are under the age of 18. check out the link to the harmful digital communications act below. https://www.justice.govt.nz/courts/civil/harmful-digital-communications/ Best of luck to you :) Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I sometimes feel really lonely with my friends, and I don't know what they are talking about. What should I do?

Thank you for sharing your really tough situation. It is not uncommon for people to feel excluded within their friendgroup, however there might be some things you can do to feel better. if this has been going on for some time, then thinking about other people in your year who might be better friends could be worth thinking about. It requires you to be a bit brave and put yourself out there with some other people, but it 's worth being with people who value you and respect you. If it's only been happening for a short time - then maybe something happened that you weren't part of? Like a sports trip or something? It's ok to ask them what they are talking about. An option is that you can tell them how you are feeling - if they are good friends they will want to make an effort. All the best for this situation. Take care, love Aunty Hilda xoxox

Is 12 too young to have Sex?

Thank you for your question. That's an interesting thing to think about. When you start getting your period, then you are essentially, physically, a woman and your body is saying it is potentially able to carry a baby. However, at the age of 12, your emotional maturity is still developing. 12 is still considered a child and sex at this age can be more harmful. At this age, the question is also who would the partner be -If the boy is also 12, then he is also not mature enough to manage that kind of relationship. If the boy is much older than that can be a real cause for concern. Legally, the age where you can consent is 16. The reason for that, is so that you are in a better place to hopefully make good decisions about your body and what you do with it. If you have more questions about that, please talk to an adult you trust. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

What are your opinions and advice on long distance relationships?

Thanks for a great question! Generally speaking, long distance realtionships can be hard work. It can depend on whether you know you will be together again and this is a short term issue, or if you are continuing a relationship knowing that you are not. Trust is a big factor here - is this a relationship that has lots of trust, or will you torture yourself wondering and worrying? Sometimes when we only talk on the phone or social media, then we run the risk of only seeing each other at good times and sharing good things and we can be fooled that things are better than they are. It can be better to say goodbye while you're on good terms rather than things becoming uncomfortable over time. Only you will know how important this person is and if the relationship is worth the extra emotional burden. Best of luck to you, love Aunty hilda xoxoxox

I'm so insecure about my skin and I feel like no one understands

Thank you for your really important question. It can be so hard to feel good about ourselves when there are flaws that we focus on and feel alone with. As young women, comparison and resulting low self worth can be a real challenge. Perfect skin is currently a big thing on social media and that can really add to peoples insecurities. It's normal to have bad skin at times, or for a long time during adolesence and focussing on your inner beauty, the other parts of your self that you do find positive and attractive is important for us all. You are worthy and loveable regardless of your skin. Please remember that. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxo

I feel like I'm the last person to have sex. Will I be a virgin forever?

Thank you for sharing your question :) You can never guarantee anything, but don't put pressure on the when. It's not something to get out of the way and you don't need to rush it. The other thing to remember, is that there are HEAPS of other people your age, and older, who have not had sex. Sometimes we think we are the only ones going through things,- but that is never the case. When the time is right for you, it will happen. It's not a race :) Take care and look after your precious self. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I'm tired of people treating me differently because of what I have been through/going through. Is it better to keep things to myself or risk sharing it with people and be treated differently?

Hey, it sounds like you've been going through some really tough stuff. We're really sorry to hear that and sorry these experiences are weighing you down and taking up so much space in your life. It's really important that you do not bottle up your feelings, but it's also important to be careful who you share your personal experiences with. Be cautious that it doesn't become the focus of your friendships and ensure there is balance - do other things together and talk about interests and fun things. You are allowed to say you don't want to talk about things and you're allowed to change your mind about what you want people to do with what they know. Also, thinking about who can listen and hold space for your experiences, like a counsellor or safe adult, can be useful to help keep your other friendships more relaxed and open. Journalling is also a really great option for some people - maybe you could get yourself a really nice journal and try writing how you're feeling. Take care of your precious self, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Is it possible to fall out of love? What does that feel like?

Hi there, - great question! I think the answer is probably yes. People change, through no fault of anyone in particular, you can grow to be quite different and find that what you once liked, loved and were attracted to, is no longer the same. The feeling, while different for everyone, might be that you no longer want to spend time with them, priorotise them or feel excited to see them. If these things are happening for you, then it can be good to talk to your partner about it and see if you can solve the things that might be getting in the way. Having an argument or a rough patch doesn't necessarily mean you no longer love someone. Feelings in relationships can be so very complicated! Best of luck to you, love Aunty Hilda xoxox

How do I stay motivated and happy when I am an introvert, depressed and live with a toxic family?

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling this and having this experience. Sometimes it can be helpful to try and explain how you are feeling to your family - if that is something you haven't tried already? Staying motivated and happy is a good question when other things are not going well - can you focus on the things you enjoy and find fulfilling, keep your friends close and maybe share with them how you are feeling. It's completely fine being an introvert, take the time you need to be alone and recharge. There were a lot of other things in your question and we want you to know that you are special, important and valued here at St hildas. I have a good friend, Marcelle, who might be a great person for you to talk this over with. You can email her for a time to meet. Big hugs to you, love Aunty Hilda xox

Will my first time having sex be painful?

Thank you for your wonderful question - everybody wonders that! It is common for first time sex for a woman to be a little uncomfortable, or slightly painful. It's not the same for everybody, however, all intercourse sex feels a lot better with lubrication. Natural lubrication happens when we are aroused - and this can take some time. So no rush! Also, having some lubrication on hand can be helpful (e.g. durex lubricants beside the condoms in the supermarket). This is a good idea when using condoms anyway. best of luck, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxo

Will I bleed the first time I have sex?

Hi, such a great question - You might bleed a little, which is completely normal. However, since many girls use tampons, the likelihood of bleeding is a little less, because the hymen (the small piece of skin covering the vagina inside the opening) has already been stretched. If bleeding during sex is a frequent thing, then visiting your Dr would be a good idea. All the best, lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxo

If I have sex for the first time with a condom, will I need the morning after pill?

That's a great question. If you used the condom as per instructions (ie - not expired, checking for rips, opening it carefully and rolling it down the penis shaft all the way, and making sure there is enough lubrication) and removing it carefully after ejaculation, then there should be no reason to need additional contraception. If there was an issue with any of these things, then the morning after pill is a very good idea. You have a 72 hour window for this. The sooner, the better. It is free at Family Planning (lower Hanover St). Take care, lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

How do I tell my best friend I hooked up with her boyfriend?

Well done for asking such a difficult question and wanting to take accountability for your actions. It's really important to make a time to see your friend, away from other distractions or people. Then, take a big breath and be honest. You will need to accept that she may be very angry with you and you will have to acknowledge her feelings and accept how she may react. She may want to know why this happened, so be prepared to share your intentions and why you did what you did. Her boyfriend is equally at fault here, but be careful to only talk about what you did wrong and take responsibility for that. This is not an easy thing for any of you, so good on you for being brave about wanting to be honest. This is a great idea. Best of luck to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I went to a party where I got really drunk and was sexually assaulted in front of other people. No body did anything and now those guys think it's funny. I feel really disgusting and alone

What an awful thing to have happen. We are so sorry to hear this has happened to you. What they did to you is against the law. Nothing about your story is ok and you haven't done anything wrong. It's really important to talk to somebody you trust about how you are feeling. This was an assault and you have a number of options as to how you might deal with it. But first, it's really important that you feel safe and heard in telling your story. These boys who are making fun of what happened and minimising your experience are unworthy of your time. They have a lot of growing up and learning to do about what is right and wrong, consent, human rights, the law and basic respect. It is normal to feel disgusting after something like this and reaching out to find help and support is a really important part of the healing. You are not alone in this. Even though it is often not talked about, there are so many people in our community who share your experience. Thank you for sharing with us and helping others feel seen too. We send you much love xoxox Aunty Hilda

How do I fake an orgasm?

Hi there - What a great question! Why on earth would you want to fake it anyway?? A conversation around how you would like your partner to pleasure you, can only really come after you know what it is that you like. Being able to touch yourself and explore what it is that feels good for you, is really important, normal and helpful when it comes to being intimate with another person. It is really normal for boys to masturbate and they talk about it more often too. It is just as normal for girls to do this too, however it gets talked about less openly. Talk to your partner about what feels good - that's the sign of a good communicative relationship. You shouldn't have to make them feel better about themselves , by pretending. No one is winning there! All the very best! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

What do I do if my partner does something I'm not comfortable with during sex?

Great question! It's really important to talk about things beforehand if possible, or think about the things that you are comfortable doing and what you are not comfortable doing. But if there is something that comes up that doesn't feel ok, then saying so at the time is really important! It can feel a bit uncomfortable sometimes to say what you really feel or really want, but honestly, it's one of the most important things to practise! Your partner should always respect your sexual boundaries and if they put pressure on you, or continue to try and convince you, or disrespect your wishes, then he just has to go! Best of luck to you. ots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My boyfriend gets drunk every weekend, how do I tell him to stop?

Hi there, thanks for raising this really common issue. In Dunedin schools there is a really problematic drinking culture, closely linked to the problem drinking at Otago Uni. You are right to be concerned about how this will be affecting his brain and potential addiction issues. It is a real issue and one that is worth communicating to him about if it is impacting your relationship. It's really important that you look after yourself here - it is not your job to fix this in him. However, if you are worried and care about what is happening, then telling him how you feel is a good place to start. Telling him honestly about your thoughts and concerns is the only way here. Depending on the individual circumstances, then you may want to tell an adult in his life who can help further. Protect your own peace. Lots of love to you Aunty Hilda xoxo

I am transitioning and I was wondering when I fully transition, will I get kicked out of school because this is an all girls school?

This is a great question, thanks for asking. Our enrolment policy states that you must be female at the time of enrolment, however, once you are here, your position at this school is yours, no matter how you identify. lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

If I had a baby would the school kick me out?

This is a common question! You can not be kicked out from school for having a baby. If you choose to have a baby, then continuing with education is a very important thing to do, however, this can be quite challenging to do with a baby. No school is allowed to kick out a pregnant student. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I like this boy but I don't know if he is too old for me, how many years older than me is too old?

This is an interesting question - Your age is important as the first part to this question. If you are under 16 and he is older than 16, then please refer to last weeks question about consent, as this will help answer some of that. I'm wondering if your question means that you are feeling uncomfortable about the age gap, or if it is others responses that you are worried about? Relationships always, for everyone, should be about two people respecting each other and being kind and considerate - no matter what their age. Having said that, being aware that there can be a power imbalance with an older partner and possible expectations of what will happen in the relationship is important. Do you have common interests, friends who would get along and that you share the same relationship values. Best of luck!!! Lots of love Aunty hilda xoxox

Plan B, how does it work, when should I take it, what does it do to your body?

Thanks for this question - Plan B is an emergency contraceptive pill that you can take after unprotected sex, up to 72 hours later. It is best to take it within the first 24 hours. It is a massive dose of hormones, which delays the release of an egg (ovulation) and thickens the mucus to prevent the sperm from accessing the egg. It can cause you to feel sick, tired, mood swings, can cause some break through bleeding and potentially mix up your cycle for a month or so. Remeber that if you vomit, you will need to take another (take it with food to reduce nausea).It is a responsible thing to look after your reproductive health, so there is never any need to feel ashamed. Check out our contraception and safe sex page for more info. All the best, lots of love, Aunty hilda xoxox

What do I do if I get ghosted and they never ended the relationship

I'm really sorry to hear that you are being disrespected like this. It could be helpful to clear up if there's been a misunderstanding, by messaging them and asking them directly. If you reach out and get no response or continue to be ghosted, then probably the best thing for you, is to look after your self and remove them from your contacts so that it helps to get them out of your mind as a possibility. All the best - you deserve someone who communicates with respect. Lots of love Aunty Hilda xoxox

How do I tell my guy best-friend that likes me that I like his best-friend?

That sounds like a really tricky situation! There are a few things going on here.... communication is always your best bet, but also thinking about whether you value the friendship you have with your guy best friend more than you like his best friend - and if you are willing to risk your friendship for it. Having said that, your guy best friend has indicated that he would like to potentially risk the friendship in order to take it a bit further. Maybe talking it through with your guy friend is the first step? Also, how do you know if the guy you like, likes you back?? Ultimately, you have to make a decision based on what you think is most important to you. Best of luck with this situation!! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xxx

Are abortions free in New Zealand?

Hi, thanks for your question :)Abortions are free for NZ citizens. For more information you can visit www.decide.org.nz or the ministry of health www.health.govt.nz. All the very best to you, love Aunty Hilda xxx

I know the age of consent is 16, but I've got less than a year to go. Every time we kiss it's really intense and if feels like we can't get close enough! It's awkward afterwards, which means I know they feel it too. What should I do???

This is such a great question! It sounds like you haven't talked to your partner about this yet and that would definitely be the best place to start! Talking about how you're both feeling can be a really good way at then deciding what you can do about the issue. There are lots of other things you can do together to feel good about each other and bring each other pleasure, without having intercourse. The law says that you aren't able to give legal consent until the age of 16, so you have to be careful if your partner is over that age, because there can be issues for them. In any relationship the most important thing is that you both have decided on what you want together and feel comfortable with that decision for yourself. Safe and respectful is what it's all about :) Best of luck to you both, love Aunty Hilda xxx

A boy that I hooked up with pressured me to suck him off when I didn't want to, made me feel like sh*t afterwards when I didn't do it. I never did it but still feel bad.

We are so sorry to hear that you have had to experience this very horrible thing. But we are so proud of you for standing up for yourself and respecting your own boundaries! A lot of guys think that sex is just for them and that girls are there to please them - sadly they are mistaken. There is no such thing as being negatively affected by not ejaculating, although there is often pressure, like "oh you lead me on," or "now I've got blue balls, (which is not a real thing btw...!)look what you've done", or "you're such a tease", "I thought you wanted it" etc etc!!! You can hook up with someone and change your mind, or stop, or decide not to go any further, at any time. And that is O.K!! A lot of people feel really awkward and think they have to go through with it once they've started. BUT if everyone thinks that, then that means, you have a lot of support in one another. Aunty Hilda wishes you all the very best in your journey. You are a strong Wahine and you have been a great role model for others. Thank you. Lots of love to you xxxxx

My friend is in love with our other friend and it's really weird because I'm in love with her too!

That sounds like it could be complicated!! So it's really important to think about the possible consequences for your friendship and whether it's worth pursuing anything. You can still have a really good relationship with someone without it turning romantic. If you do think this is more than a passing crush, then communication with your friends is really important here. Gauging your friends level of interest here is worth considering. Does she like either of you in that way? I would recommend thinking carefully about the value of your friendships here. All the very best xxxx Aunty Hilda

How do I get over my first love when they just broke up with me?

We are really sorry to hear that. You must be feeling lots of big and painful emotions at times. it's really important to let yourself feel and express these emotions and is a really important part of the being able to move on process. Spending time with yourself, and people who really care about you, doing things that you love and talking to someone you trust, can be really helpful. Distraction is good - but don't use distraction to run away from how you are feeling! It can be useful to create special time each day to focus on those hard feelings and let yourself really be in that space - ie journalling, listening to music, or whatever works well for you. Take the time to be with you - learn to love yourself fully again and take lots of time before you think about another relationship. Lots of love to you xxx Aunty Hilda

How do I feel better about my appearance when the beauty standards are so high?

Thank you for bringing this really important and challenging issue to Aunty Hilda. Someone elses beauty doesn't detract from your own. You can be, and are beautiful, even if others are too, in a different way. Beauty isn't a finite thing - it changes and develops as we grow and change. Positive self talk is so good - little tiny things that you can find about yourself to be kind about. It might be the colour of your eyes, or the way your nose crinkles when you smile - these are things you can take time to notice and appreciate about yourself. Because it will be so true that others see that in you. It's so easy to find fault in ourselves and be unkind, when we would never dream of saying those things to others. Try and treat yourself the way you would one of your closest friends. Social media is so fake - and it messes with our brains - try to limit what you look at! And it's important not to use filters, because it will really mess with your sense of self. Genetically there are many things we can't change - ie thigh gaps, and where you store your body fat. That wee pooch on your tummy is there to protect your uterus - it's your body is trying to do the right thing and really caring about your wellbeing. . What you might think is beautiful doesn't necessarily mean everyone thinks that. Remember, this is the beauty industry which feeds off women's insecurity so they can make billions of dollars. You might like to check out this website for more support. https://bodyimagemovement.com/. You are beautiful. Lots of love and hugs from Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

All my friends know how to use tampons but I'm too embarrassed to ask

Great question! It can take a bit of practise, so don't be put off. Some of the Aunties would suggest starting off with applicator tampons, because they can be easier to use. There is also a diagram in the tampon box, which shows you the angle in which to insert the tampon. It's important to relax and try when you are properly bleeding so there is enough lubrication. If you do not successfully insert a tampon, then don't try with the same one again. Get a new one! Also, make sure you put it in far enough!! It should be a tampon plus a finger deep - or the whole applicator. It is truly uncomfortable if you don't get it in far enough. if it's right, then you shouldn't even know it's there. All the best!! Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

I think I'm pregnant but I don't know how to get a test without my parents finding out - and what do I do if I am?!

Sorry to hear that you are going through a scary and confusing time, but we are so pleased you have come to ask us for some helpful advice. Firstly Family Planning is a great place to get free advice and free testing for pregnancy and STI's. It is completely confidential and non judgmental and you don't need your parents permission or supervision to go. (you can also go to your GP with parental consent, but that will cost). Their contact details are: (03) 4775850 and their address is 95 Hanover St central Dunedin. If you are pregnant they will help you with everything you need to know going forward. They are also a great place to talk about contraception. It's important to know that a pregnancy test can only be used once you have missed your period - or if you don't know when your period is due, then at least 21 days after you last had unprotected sex. You don't have to be alone in this situation, so please reach out to trusted adults and friends who can support you through this time. With lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

How do I know I'm going to get my period soon?

Hi there, if this is about your very first period ever, then...... it's a bit of a guessing game! You will have had puberty changes take place, ie breast and pubic hair. Then closer to the time of your first period, you may notice an increase in vaginal discharge. You may also notice you get some cramping and some mood changes and more emotional. Your breasts may also get tender or very sore. Also check out our period page on the website!! If you are wondering about how to track your period, there are heaps of period trackers you can use, or jot it down on a calendar or in your diary. The predictors aren't always accurate and lots of girls have irregular periods, so sometimes it's hard to know! We hope this helps! All the best for your approaching womanhood :) Lots of love Aunty Hilda xoxox

How can we be sure this is confidential?

This is such an important question - thank you for asking it!! Your email address isn't collected, so there is no way we can see who has sent it, because the only information we get is the question, on the form. All we know is the time the question was sent. We want to share your questions for everyones benefit. It's not important who asked it, but rather that everyone benefits from learning something new. Thank you! Lots of love Aunty Hilda xox

I really like this guy but I don't know if I like him in THAT way, how do I tell?

Hi there! There's absolutely no rush to do anything about this yet. Get to know each other better and see if you can figure out what romantic attraction feels like to you. It can be difficult sometimes to tell the difference between a great friendship and romantic or sexual feelings. In a romantic relationship it's important to know within yourself what level of romantic, sexual and friendship is important for you. It may take some time to figure this out - however you are the only one who can understand your emotions. All the best!! Don't get influenced by what others might think Lots of love Aunty Hilda xox

What is Sex?

This is such a great question!! Often we think everyone knows about sex, but actually there are a lot of questions. It's really hard to put sex into one category, but we will try and answer your questions as best we can. Sex has a strong emotional factor, which is just as important as what goes on physically. First of all, you will have decided that you are ready for a sexual experience and hopefully you will be clear about the consent process going forward (Check out our consent page). So, in a sexual encounter, things should move at a speed where both people are comfortable and checking in all the way through is really important. Sex is not just one main event ie. (a penis in a vagina) but it's the whole experience of getting to know each other, touching each other and exploring who you are and what you like together and alone. It's important not to rush into "having sex" because it can be disappointing and upsetting if you feel like the emotional parts of this interaction have been missed out. Also, remember that there are so many different types of sex, not just heterosexual penetrative sex, but also homosexual sex, with many other ways of enjoying each other. These are all valid and you should feel comfortable to express yourself as you wish. This is a big question, we hope we have helped a little :) Love from Aunty Hilda. (You may want to check out the website for more details)

What age do you think is a good age to have boyfriends? Because a lot of my friends do but i don't know if i should

Thank you for your excellent question :) It sounds to me like you have already thought about this a lot and have a subconscious understanding of what you really want/think. If you are asking if you should be getting into a relationship because others are, then that is never a good reason. Have you met someone who you would like to get to know better? Or are you simply thinking about it like a box to tick. There is no age at which having a relationship is the right age - it's always about meeting the right person and deciding together that this is what you would like. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

My boyfriend wants to do more than just making out but I’m not ready for that, how do I tell him?

Thanks for this valuable question! You are so right to feel uncomfortable about doing something you are not ready to do. In any relationship, the most important thing is to speak up, and use your voice about how you are really feeling. It's common to feel like you are the only one experiencing that - but this is a frequent issue. SO - it's really useful to know that most people like knowing what their partner does and doesn't want to do. More importantly, this conversation that you will have together, will make your relationship stronger. OR you'll find out that he's actually not worth your time and moving on from someone who isn't respectful is definitely your best option! Good luck with being your strong awesome self xox Aunty Hilda

What is an orgasm?

Such a great question! An orgasm is a physical and psychological sensation experienced during sexual arousal and climax. It is often described as a pleasurable release of sexual tension that is accompanied by intense feelings of pleasure and satisfaction. During an orgasm, there is a series of rhythmic contractions in the pelvic region, including the muscles of the vagina or penis, the uterus. These contractions are usually accompanied by a buildup of tension and followed by a sense of release and relaxation. Variability: Women's experiences of orgasm can vary widely. Some women may consistently experience orgasm with ease, while others may have difficulty achieving orgasm or may require specific types of stimulation. It's important to recognize and respect individual differences. Clitoral stimulation: The clitoris is a highly sensitive organ located above the vaginal opening. For most women, clitoral stimulation plays a crucial role in achieving orgasm. Direct or indirect stimulation of the clitoris through manual stimulation, oral sex, or the use of sex toys can enhance sexual pleasure and increase the likelihood of orgasm. Multiple types of orgasm: Women can experience different types of orgasms, including clitoral, vaginal, or blended orgasms that combine clitoral and vaginal stimulation. It's important to explore and understand what types of stimulation work best for each individual. Emotional and mental factors: Emotional and mental factors, such as relaxation, trust, and a positive sexual mindset, can significantly influence a woman's ability to orgasm. Creating a comfortable and supportive environment can enhance the likelihood of experiencing orgasm. Communication: Open and honest communication with sexual partners is crucial for understanding each other's needs and desires. Women should feel comfortable discussing their preferences, boundaries, and any difficulties they may encounter in achieving orgasm. This can foster a more satisfying sexual experience for both partners. Practice and exploration: Understanding the female orgasm often requires self-exploration and experimentation. Learning about one's own body, preferences, and what feels pleasurable through self-stimulation (masturbation) can provide valuable insights to share with a partner. Orgasm and pleasure are not the sole goals: It's important to remember that sexual pleasure and intimacy are not solely focused on achieving orgasm. The journey and connection between partners are just as important as the destination. Focusing solely on orgasm as the measure of sexual success can create unnecessary pressure and potentially detract from the overall experience. All the best! xox Aunty Hilda

What do I do if i don't know how to break up with someone?

Thanks for reaching out to Ask Aunty Hilda :) It sounds like you already know that this is not the right relationship for you and it's great that you are listening to your self about what feels best. Breaking up is never easy and there are lots of good ways you can go about it. Telling them this isn't right for you, but you still care about them, is one option. Telling them in person is always best too :) Being respectful and expecting respect in return, is important. We know that however you do it, it will possibly be confusing and painful for you or both of you and being kind to yourself during this process is important. Best of luck to you - lots of love from Aunty Hilda xox

How do I get out of the friendzone???

We are really sorry to hear that you're in this confusing spot. I hope we can give you some comfort here..... It's really hard when we can't control what other people feel about us, especially if we want more than they are giving. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to tell them how you really feel. You never know - maybe they feel the same way. Remember not to feel like you need to change yourself or be different in order to get out of the friendzone. If they don't like you in that way, that doesn't mean you are any less perfect than you already are. Be true to yourself and no one can make you feel less than or unworthy. Maybe they really love having you as a friend, which is a special and lucky thing to have . Best of luck! Love Aunty Hilda xox

What would others say if i was trans/gay?

Aunty Hilda wants you to know that being who you are is all that matters! It's never easy wondering what others think about us, but if we are being true to ourselves, that is all we can possibly hope for. Being you means you will find your people and your tribe - if people aren't supportive of you, then they aren't your real friends anyway. It's a brave and courageous thing to do and please know that Aunty Hilda is behind you all the way! Much love xox Aunty Hilda

How do I move forward when the past is dragging me down?

Great question..... always give yourself space to feel what you're feeling and giving yourself time to heal from whatever it is that is dragging you down. When we try and move on too quickly, we often find that we get pulled back because we haven't processed the thing we need to work on. Finding things that you enjoy is a great way to help yourself move forward, as well as finding new interests and ways to occupy yourself positively. If you find yourself dwelling in the past again, you can try giving yourself ten minutes (on the clock) to write down how you're feeling (which gets it out of your head and onto the paper) or allow yourself to drift in those memories. But then, shift your focus again to the present and what you have now that you can be grateful for. Remember that our past is always an important part of who we are and loving the challenging parts of our history helps make us a more colourful and strong person. Give your younger self, the one who experienced this hurt, a kind hug and a few loving words of encouragement. She will appreciate that you are there for her. Lots of love from your Aunty Hilda xox

How do I break up a friendship in a kind and gradual way when the other person doesn't seem to take the hint

This is a common and tricky situation! It's great that you know what it is that you want and need in this relationship. As always, communicating clearly is best, but we know this is easier said than done. Sometimes saying that you need a bit of space can be helpful, or distancing yourself without ignoring them, can be a gradual and gentle way. If you were in their shoes, what would you like them to do? You're obviously someone who cares about the feelings of others, so be kind to yourself in this also, by speaking up and standing up for yourself. You are strong, even in these difficult and challenging conversations. We all need to practise having them at times and they are always hard to do. Best of luck, xox Aunty Hilda