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Ask Aunty Hilda

Submit questions, topics of discussion and issues to your supportive team of Aunties and keep an eye on this column for a response :)

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I think i might have depression, is there any way I can get tested or get help

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There's a boy I'm currently talking to and he seemed nice. He was really loving and sent me loads of messages about how much i meant to him, except when he asked me to do more stuff that I wasn't comfortable with, he said he'd kill himself if I didn't do it. I feel really bad and really worried. What should I do?

Thank you for this really important question - You are in a serious situation, and it’s important to know that what he’s doing is not your fault. The way he is sending lots of loving messages and then using threats to get you to do things you don’t want to do is a form of emotional manipulation. This is sometimes called love bombing, where someone overwhelms you with attention and affection to make you feel attached or dependent. It can feel flattering at first, but it is a red flag, especially when combined with threats like saying he’ll harm himself. Even though his threats are a way to try to control you, you are not responsible for his safety. You are allowed to set boundaries and say no without feeling guilty. It is still a good idea to tell a trusted adult, such as a parent, school counsellor, or teacher. They can support you and, if needed, contact someone to check on his safety. This doesn’t mean you’re responsible for him—just that you are making sure the right people know about a concerning situation. Remember, you deserve to feel safe and respected. Threats like these are a clear sign that this is not a healthy or safe relationship, and you are allowed to remove yourself from it while professionals make sure everyone involved gets the help they need. Lots of love to you, Aunty HIlda xox

In the past I was exposed to reels with sexual themes to them (not porn, but still suggestive) and unfortunately I chose to watch them. At the time, I wasn't thinking. Over the past year or so since I've stopped watching them, the guilt has been eating away at me and I feel so incredibly ashamed of myself for what I did. I wish I could apologise to my parents, because I know they'd be incredibkly disappointed in me, but I'm too embarassed and don't want to cause unnecessary drama. How do I stop the guilt?

Thanks for such a great question and I'm sorry you've been struggling with this for so long - It’s completely normal to feel guilty, but it’s important to understand why. Society often shames young women for being curious about sex or looking at sexualised images, even when it’s perfectly safe and part of exploring your own thoughts and feelings. If this were a boy watching similar content, he likely wouldn’t feel the same shame. Feeling guilty in this situation is a reflection of cultural messages, not of your choices or your character. Curiosity about sexuality is natural. Watching sexualised content as a way to explore your feelings or learn about your own responses is normal and nothing to be ashamed of. You are allowed to notice, think about, and explore sexuality without judgement. Sometimes guilt sticks because we take on the shame society places on girls’ bodies and curiosity. One way to deal with it is to recognise these messages for what they are and remind yourself that you did nothing wrong. Talking about your feelings with a trusted adult or school counsellor can also help, not because you need to explain or apologise, but to unload the weight of unnecessary shame and put your curiosity back into a healthy context. Remember, sexual curiosity is natural, and exploring your thoughts and feelings is part of growing up. You can let go of guilt and instead notice that it’s society, not you, that has been unfairly critical. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

All my friends have breasts, but I don't and I feel insecure about it. I use those breast pad things in my singlets to make them look bigger, is this wrong?

Thanks for your question :) It’s completely normal to feel insecure if your body looks different from your friends, especially during puberty when everyone develops at their own pace. Using breast pads or clothing to feel more confident is not wrong at all. Many people use things like this when their bodies are still developing, and it’s just a way to feel comfortable in your own skin. It’s important to remember that bodies develop at different times. Some people’s breasts grow earlier, some later, and that doesn’t make you any less normal or any less valuable. Your worth isn’t tied to the size or shape of your body, it’s about who you are, not what your body looks like. If you can, try to focus on what makes you feel strong and confident, whether that’s your friendships, or your hobbies. Feeling good in your clothes is fine, but you are completely okay just as you are, with or without pads. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I keep getting discharge in my underwear and it's making me uncomfortable. I have to change my undies all the time because the wetness makes me feel gross. It's been happening for around three weeks. I don't know how to stop it.

Thanks for your great question - vaginal discharge, is a completely normal way your body cleans and protects itself. Discharge can vary in amount, texture, and smell depending on your hormones, cycle, and health. For most people, it can increase at certain times of the month, and sometimes it feels more noticeable or uncomfortable. Here are some things that can help you feel more comfortable: Wear breathable cotton underwear and change it as often as you need. This helps reduce wetness and irritation. Shower daily with mild, fragrance-free soap, but avoid washing inside your vagina. Your body cleans itself naturally. Pat dry gently after washing. Avoid scented wipes, or harsh soaps, which can irritate the area and increase discharge. It’s normal to notice some wetness, and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong. if it continues to bother you, then you could ask a Dr or nurse about it to make sure everything's ok. Discharge is a normal part of your body’s processes, and taking care of yourself with clean, breathable clothing and gentle hygiene is enough to manage it most of the time. All the best, Love Aunty Hilda xox

My friend group is really divided right now and my two besties have been ignoring me and it's hard for me to make friends, so I don't know what to do.

Thanks for your question - It’s really tough to feel left out by your best friends, and it’s normal to feel hurt and confused. You could try gently reaching out to them one-on-one and saying how you feel without blaming anyone. Focus on connections that make you feel safe and supported, whether that’s other classmates, clubs, or activities. Make sure to take care of yourself by doing things that make you happy and confident. If it feels overwhelming, talking to a trusted adult like a school counsellor can help you navigate the situation. Friendships shift over time, and feeling left out doesn’t at all mean you’re unlikable - sometimes people can be unkind without realising how painful their actions are. All the best, love Aunty Hilda xox

Last year I went out with some friends and we met these guys who were much older. They were really fun and sweet, and I took a liking to one of them. I added them on Snapchat and talked to this guy for months. During this time I gave away where I lived and work. Then I cut it off as he got really weird about my body. He comes into my work almost every day and doesn't buy anything, and I've spotted his car outside my house a few times. I tried contacting him about it, but got a dick pic in response. I don't know what to do. I also found out he has children, only a few years younger than me.

Thank you for asking this very important question - You’re describing a situation that is serious and unsafe. This isn’t about being rude or “overreacting”, this is harassment, and it’s important to take it seriously. First, your boundaries are being completely ignored. He has continued contact after you ended things, is showing up where you are, and has sent sexually explicit images without your consent. That is stalking and sexual harassment. None of this is your fault. Here’s what you can do to protect yourself: Tell someone you trust immediately, - a parent, guardian, or another adult. You should not have to handle this alone. Document everything: save messages, photos, times and dates of him showing up at work or near your home. This is important if police or authorities get involved. Avoid contact: do not respond to him, block him on all platforms, and do not engage if he shows up. Contact authorities if needed: your local police or a support service like the Police Youth Aid or a sexual assault helpline can advise you on safety steps. Work safety: let your manager know what’s happening, so they are aware and can support you if he comes into work. This person’s behaviour is not normal or acceptable. You have the right to feel safe in your home and at work. You are not overreacting, and it is not your fault. Best of luck, take care, love Aunty Hilda xox

Why was my question changed when it was published on the website?

Thats a great question, thanks for asking it! It's really impotant that everyone reading the question feels safe. So if there are any things that might identify someone, it gets changed. Also, sometimes people write quite graphic or explicit things as part of their question, which is a really important way for them to express how they are feeling to me. I really care about what people tell me and how they are feeling, but sometimes those things mohgt be quite distressing for other readers, so I change them to make them ok for everyone. The answer to the question doesn't change though. I hope that makes sense? I think I know the question you are talking about and I hope the answer was useful to you. Lots of love to you, Aunty HIlda xoxoxox

Is it normal for my nipples to go hard?

Thank you for your question - Yes, it is completely normal for nipples to go hard. Nipples are very sensitive, and they can respond to lots of different things. Sexual arousal, cold air, a change in temperature, friction from clothing, or even emotions like excitement or nervousness can make them hard. Everyone’s body responds a little differently, so some people notice it more than others. It doesn’t mean anything is wrong, and it’s just a natural part of how your body works. Bodies are amazing! Lots of love to you, Aunty HIlda xox

Hi, I'm 14 and I'm not old enough to go somewhere to be waxed yet. What is the best way to get rid of my pubic hair from my lady bits? It's quite bushy down there and has been growing since I was 10. I don't need to get rid of it all, but just want to clean it up down there. Can you help? Thanks.

Thanks for your question - It’s completely normal to have pubic hair, and there’s no need to remove it at all. At 14, your body is still developing, and your skin down there is sensitive, so it’s safest to avoid waxing or any harsh chemical hair removers. If you want to “clean it up” a little, the safest ways are simple trimming and hygiene: Trim with scissors or a small grooming trimmer made for sensitive areas. Take it slow, make sure everything is clean, and trim small amounts at a time. Shower and gently wash with water and mild, fragrance-free soap. You don’t need anything special, your body is very good at keeping itself healthy. Pat dry carefully after washing to avoid irritation. Remember, having hair down there is totally normal and nothing to be ashamed of. The idea that you need to remove it all is mostly from media or social pressure, not health or hygiene. You can experiment with what makes you comfortable, but it’s fine to leave some hair, it’s meant to be there. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Hi Aunty Hilda, I really love my ballet teacher and netball coaches, not like in a romantic way, but they're all so nice. Is it wrong to feel like this?

It’s completely normal to feel really fond of teachers or coaches. You might admire them, enjoy being around them, and feel cared for, and that’s okay. Sometimes these feelings can be strong, and it can make you wonder if they mean something more, or if you might be noticing feelings about your own attraction to girls. Both are normal to explore and think about at your age. It can help to pay attention to how the feelings make you feel about yourself and your friendships, and remember that it’s safe to notice attraction without needing to act on it. Admiration and respect for adults in your life is healthy, and you can enjoy these connections while keeping yourself safe and focused on your learning and activities.

Hi Aunty, when I'm sad all I want to do is eat chocolate, but then afterwards I feel like a pig. How do I stop cause it's not very rarely, but once every week or two.

Thanks for your great question - It’s really normal to reach for food, especially sweet or comforting treats, when you’re feeling sad. Chocolate in particular can feel like a quick hug for your emotions because it contains chemicals that make the brain feel good, like serotonin and endorphins. These give a temporary lift and a sense of comfort, which is why it can feel so satisfying when you’re down. Our hormones also play a big role in how we feel and what we crave. Sometimes your body is signalling a need for energy, fat, or sugar, and chocolate is an easy way to meet that need. So those cravings aren’t “bad” or a weakness, they’re your body trying to take care of you in its own way. One thing that can help is noticing the feeling before you eat. You could try asking yourself what you really need, sometimes it’s comfort, not chocolate. You might try other ways to give yourself that comfort, like going for a short walk, listening to music, calling a friend, journaling, or even giving yourself permission to have a little chocolate mindfully without judgement. Maybe it would be helpful to talk to someone about why you're feeling sad so much...? Enjoying chocolate now and then is fine. The key is noticing the patterns and being kind to yourself, rather than punishing yourself afterwards. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

My boyfriend and I have regularly been having anal sex, but it really hurts me and sometimes causes bleeding. He thinks I like it, but I don’t feel any pleasure from it and it makes going to the toilet painful. I’m too embarrassed to talk to a doctor, but I don’t know what to do. Please help!

Thanks for this important question - What you’re describing is a serious signal from your body that something is not safe or healthy. Anal sex should never be painful, cause bleeding, or make going to the toilet hard. These are red flags that it is not okay for your body, and it is important to stop doing it immediately. You do not owe anyone sexual activity, and your comfort, safety, and boundaries come first. No one should keep pressuring you to do something that hurts you, and it is not a reflection on you if you do not enjoy or cannot do certain sexual activities. Even though it feels embarrassing, it is very important to talk to a trusted adult or healthcare professional, like a doctor or nurse. They can check that your body is safe, give advice about any pain or injury, and help you feel confident that nothing is wrong. You can ask for confidentiality and explain that you want to be seen privately. Remember, no is a full sentence, and you have the right to say no to anything that causes pain, discomfort, or pressure. Your feelings and your body are valid, and being honest about them is the strongest thing you can do. You can call the sexual Health Clinic, which is at the public hospital and make an appointment - 0800 742 546 extension 1, or make an appointment, or Sexual Wellbeing Aotearoa, (07) 810 6610. Both are free and have experienced, friendly people who deal with sexual health issues all the time. All the best, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I want to stop vaping and so do all my friends, exept we keep doing it because we think we'll judge each other if we don't. It's so stupid. How can we stop? None of us want to do it. Please help.

Thanks for your great question - You’re noticing something really common: it’s not the vaping itself that’s the hard part, it’s the pressure of feeling like everyone else is doing it and that you’ll look weird if you stop. That pressure can be stronger than the habit itself. The good news is that if none of you actually want to vape, you can find ways to break the cycle together. You could try being honest with your friends about it: Actually having a conversation about what you want to do about it. Saying it out loud removes the unspoken rules you’ve been following. You can also create new group habits that replace vaping. Meet up to go for a walk, play games, listen to music, do some baking, or whatever you all enjoy that doesn’t involve it. Every time you choose the alternative together, you’re training your group dynamic to be supportive instead of pressuring. It's the perfect thing to do together, for all the right reasons. You've got this! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

If someone was bullied for three years, three years ago and they are still affected, they hate themselves and they think they're an idiot, should they see a counsellor?

Thanks for your question - Yes, seeing a counsellor can be really helpful. Even though the bullying happened a few years ago, the effects can stick around and make life harder, especially if someone still hates themselves or feels like they’re “an idiot.” A counsellor can help unpack those feelings, challenge the negative self-beliefs, and find ways to feel more confident and safe in themselves now. It’s not about blaming the past or saying it should be over, it’s about giving yourself support to live fully in the present. Bullying doesn’t just disappear when the bullying stops. It can leave a person feeling anxious, self-critical, or worried about what others think, and sometimes these feelings get in the way of friendships, school, or even just enjoying life. Counselling can help by giving a safe space to talk about these experiences, understand how they shaped your thoughts and feelings, and practice ways to respond differently to yourself and others. Over time, it can help you rebuild confidence and start believing in yourself again. All the best, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

A lot of guys are really controlling and demanding. Lots of my friends think it's fine coz they're always checking up on them and not letting them do stuff, and they think it means he cares. But I reckon it's just abusive. How do I help my friends see it for what it is?

Thanks for this question and observation - You’re right that controlling behaviour isn’t love, even if some people say it’s caring. One way to help your friends is to talk about red flags and green flags in relationships. (You can also check out the relationship page here) Red flags (warning signs of control or abuse): He checks your phone, messages, or social media constantly. He gets angry or upset if you spend time with friends or family. He makes you feel guilty for doing things he doesn’t approve of. He insists you behave in certain ways to prove you “care” about him. You feel scared, anxious, or pressured to do things you don’t want to. Green flags (signs of respect and healthy freedom): He trusts you and doesn’t demand proof of where you are or who you’re with. You feel safe expressing your feelings, opinions, and boundaries. He encourages you to spend time with friends and do things you enjoy. Decisions in the relationship are mutual, not one-sided. You feel happy and relaxed around him, not anxious or worried about upsetting him. These are really important things to discuss with your friends, chatting with one another about where things are at. If in doubt, or if things feel off, talk to the counsellor, or someone you trust. All the best, Love Aunty Hilda xox

I worry all the time about how I look. I feel disgusting. How can I feel better about myself?

Thank you for this queation, I'm really sorry you are feeling this way. It makes total sense that you feel overwhelmed when the world is constantly telling girls that their value is in how they look. First, it’s important to know that your feelings are real, valid, and not a personal failing. Feeling “disgusting” isn’t a reflection of you - it’s a reflection of the impossible standards that are everywhere, from social media to ads to the people around us. You could try to - Notice what your body can do, not just how it looks. Celebrate strength, flexibility, endurance, or simply the fact that it carries you through your day. Limit social media that makes you compare yourself. The images you see are often heavily edited and don’t reflect real life. Talk to people who really see you. Trusted friends, or a counsellor can help you notice your value beyond appearance. Challenge the voice in your head. When you catch yourself thinking “I’m disgusting,” try to replace it with a fact about yourself or something kind you’d say to a friend. The way girls are socialised to monitor and police their bodies is not your fault. Learning to value yourself outside of what others think is an act of resistance! Counselling or talking to someone who understands this can help you untangle your self-worth from those harmful messages and start feeling more grounded and real in your own body. All the best to you, Love, Aunty Hilda xox

My boyfriend and I have started doing more physical stuff and now that's all he wants to do. I like doing that sometimes, but now I feel like he just wants to hang out so we hook up. How do I tell him without hurting his feelings?

Thanks for your great question. It's totally understandable that you might be feeling a bit used right now and frustrated with how the relationship is going. It's normal to worry about how someone might take hearing you don't want to do physical stuff all the time, but it's really important to be clear about what feels right for you in this relationship. Reminding your boyfriend how much fun you had doing other things and how you miss doing these with him, is a positive way to show him that you like more than just sexual interactions. A healthy partner will want to hear how you feel and work with you, not just focus on sex. Remember that your worth and your needs matter as much as his, and being honest about that is a sign of respect for yourself and the relationship. You get to set the tone for what intimacy feels like, and spending time together should include all the ways you connect, not only the physical. Best of luck, love Aunty Hilda xox

One of my close friends has told me that she has a serious eating disorder and I'm really worried about her. She asked me not to tell her friends because they don't know. Her parents know, but I'm not sure if they are helping her and I don't know what to do?

Thank you for sharing this question - It’s really understandable that you’re worried about your friend, and it’s great that you care so much. But when it comes to eating disorders, professional intervention is essential. These are serious conditions that can have long-lasting impacts on your friend's health, and they require specialised support that goes beyond what a friend can provide. 1. Encourage professional help While it’s wonderful that you’re there for her, eating disorders require professional care from therapists, doctors, and nutritionists. Gently encourage her to seek support from a professional, whether it's through a school counsellor, a doctor, or a therapist who specialises in eating disorders. You could say something like, “I really care about you, and I think it’s important that you get the right help from someone who can support you through this.” 2. It’s okay to pass the responsibility to trusted adults As much as you want to help, you’re not equipped to manage the severity of an eating disorder on your own. It’s important to pass the responsibility over to the right people who are trained to help. Talk to a trusted adult - whether it’s a school counsellor, a parent, or a teacher - about what’s going on. It’s not betraying your friend’s trust to reach out for help if it means she gets the support she needs to recover. You can still be there for her emotionally, but the professional side of things needs to be handled by experts. 3. Recognise the emotional toll Supporting a friend with an eating disorder can be emotionally overwhelming, especially as a teen. You might feel a lot of pressure, and it’s important to acknowledge that this situation is far beyond what any friend should have to manage alone. Don’t hesitate to lean on your own support network - whether that’s a trusted adult or a therapist - for guidance and support as you navigate this. 4. Let her know you’re there, but get the professionals involved You can let your friend know that you care deeply and will be there for her, but you also need to make it clear that getting professional help is essential for her well-being. This could sound like, “I really want to help you, but I’m not the right person to give you the kind of support you need. I think it’s time to talk to someone who can help you properly.” 5. Take care of yourself too Finally, make sure you’re looking after your own mental health. Supporting someone through an eating disorder can take an emotional toll, and it’s important to have your own support system in place. Whether it’s talking to a trusted adult, seeing a counsellor, or leaning on other friends, make sure you’re caring for yourself as you care for her. It’s crucial to involve professionals who are trained to handle eating disorders. Your role as a friend is important, but passing the responsibility to those who can properly support her will give your friend the best chance at recovery. You’re doing the right thing by recognising that this is a serious issue that needs the right intervention. Take care of yourself, lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

My boyfriend obviously wants to do anal because he keeps trying to put it there... I keep telling him no, but he keeps trying. What should I do?

Thank you for sharing this question - I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It's important to recognise that your boundaries are valid, and you should never feel pressured into doing something you don’t want to do, especially after you've already said no. 1. No is enough You’ve already told him no, and that should be the end of it. No explanation is needed, and you shouldn’t feel obligated to justify your feelings. “No” is a full sentence. You don’t owe anyone an explanation when it comes to your body and your comfort. If he continues to push despite your clear “no,” that’s a huge red flag. His behaviour shows that he isn’t respecting your boundaries, which is a serious issue. 2. Set firm boundaries If you feel comfortable, you can reassert your boundaries by saying something like, “I’ve already told you no. I don’t want to do this, and I need you to respect that.” Make it clear that this is not up for negotiation. If he truly respects you, he will listen and stop immediately. 3. Recognise the red flags When someone repeatedly ignores your boundaries, especially after you've clearly stated them, it’s not just a simple mistake. It’s a red flag. This shows a lack of respect for you and your body. You should never feel like you have to “convince” someone to accept your “no,” and you shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for having boundaries. If he continues to pressure you, it’s important to recognise that his actions are not a sign of care or respect. 4. Consider the relationship If your boyfriend continues to disregard your boundaries, it’s crucial to evaluate the relationship. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, consent, and communication. If he’s not respecting your “no,” this is not the type of relationship you deserve. You deserve a partner who listens, values your boundaries, and makes you feel safe and respected. 5. Seek support if necessary If you’re feeling pressured or unsafe, it might help to talk to someone you trust, like the school counsellor, to get some guidance and support in handling the situation. It’s important to have a support system when navigating uncomfortable or difficult situations in relationships. All the best to you, love Aunty Hilda xox

I think I might be experiencing high functioning depression, and even though it seems to be getting better, it feels like a weight and like it might come back soon. I told my mum my mental health was getting bad, but she didn't know how extreme it got and I didn't really get the help I needed. I hate getting up for school and having to be happy around people. I also feel like I don't have any real friends, except for one, but we are all in a friend group togther and I feel like most of my friends are a bad influence. I find it hard to trust people and it's difficult to find safe people to talk to that care. What should I do?

Thank you for sharing this - I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way - it sounds like you’re carrying a lot, and high-functioning depression can be especially tough because it often goes unnoticed by others. You’re still trying to push through, but it feels like a heavy weight. Here’s some advice on how to navigate these feelings: 1. Acknowledge the weight you’re carrying It’s important to recognise and validate what you’re feeling. It can be exhausting to go through life and pretend everything is okay, especially when you’re battling with your mental health. You don’t have to be "fine" all the time, and it’s okay to not feel okay. You deserve to feel supported and heard. 2. Continue to communicate with your mum It’s a positive step that you’ve already reached out to your mum about your mental health. If you feel comfortable, you might want to have a deeper conversation with her, explaining how it affects you, even if it’s hard to find the right words. It can be helpful to write down your feelings or what you want her to know, which might make it easier to explain how bad it’s getting. She might not fully understand right now, but giving her more clarity could help her see the depth of what you’re going through. 3. Seek professional support Seeking therapy or counselling is one of the most important steps you can take to get the help you need. A therapist can help you navigate these feelings, manage the weight of depression, and offer strategies for coping with your emotions in a healthy way. You’re not alone in this, and there are professionals who can support you through the process. If you’re unsure where to start, talk to a counsellor at your school, or a trusted adult about finding a counsellor who is a good fit for you. I know you said you find it hard to trust - but these people are trained to care about you in ways that are helpful. 4. Take small steps for yourself Sometimes the thought of tackling everything at once can feel overwhelming. Instead, focus on small, manageable steps each day. It might help to have a daily routine that you can rely on, even if it’s just a few things that help you feel a little more grounded. Whether it’s getting out of bed, having a shower, or taking a short walk, small victories can start to shift the weight and create moments of relief. 5. Reassess your friendships It sounds like trusting people has been a struggle. It’s important to surround yourself with people who truly support you - not just those who may bring you down or make you feel pressured. If you feel like your friend group is a bad influence, it’s okay to distance yourself from people who aren’t contributing positively to your life. Your real friends - he ones who listen, support, and care about you - are the ones who will help you through this. 6. Find safe spaces to talk When you don’t feel like you have anyone to talk to, it’s tough to work through your emotions. If you don’t have someone you trust in your immediate circle, consider reaching out to a counsellor, or online resource that’s designed to help you feel heard and understood. No one should feel like they have to go through this alone, and there are places where you can find people who care. www.depression.org.nz or www.headstrong.org.nz might be places to look too. 7. Be kind to yourself It can be easy to get caught in negative thought cycles when you’re struggling with your mental health. Remember that you are doing the best you can in difficult circumstances. You deserve compassion, especially from yourself. If you feel frustrated with where you are right now, that’s okay, but also recognise that seeking help and taking small steps toward healing is a big deal. I hope this helps, and I want to remind you that it’s okay to seek support, whether that’s from your mum, a professional, or a trusted adult. Your feelings matter, and you deserve to be treated with care and respect as you work through this. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

Hi Aunty Hilda, I feel like I don't know what to do or who to be when I'm around guys. They talk about girls in ways that makes me feel like I have to be a certain way just to get their attention - but I hate who I become when I'm around them just to feel like Im relevant. They treat girls like objects and talk about them like theyre sluts, who are only there for them to do stuff to. I don't know how to be me anymore and I hate what I do to try and get them to like me. PLease help!

Thank you so much for for sharing this - First off, you are amazing, and I’m so proud of you for recognising that what’s happening around you isn’t right. You do not need to change yourself to fit anyone else’s idea of who you should be. Here’s how to approach it: 1. You are not here to be someone else’s idea of "relevant" The pressure to change yourself to fit into some pre-packaged idea of who you’re "supposed" to be is a lie. You are worthy of love, respect, and admiration just as you are. When you are true to yourself, you radiate confidence, authenticity, and power - and that’s the energy that attracts real, respectful people. 2. Reject the toxic objectification of women The way the guys you’re talking about are speaking about girls is not okay. They’ve learned to see women through a lens that strips us of our humanity, reducing us to bodies, not people. This isn’t just about them being disrespectful - it’s about them buying into harmful ideas that say men are entitled to women’s bodies, while women are pressured to fit into a box of being passive, pleasing, and available. You don’t have to play along. You deserve to be seen and treated as a whole, powerful person - not an object or a conquest. You can choose to not engage in that narrative, and to be the person who leads with respect, autonomy, and strength. 3. You define your worth, not them You don’t need to become someone you’re not to get attention. In fact, doing so is a disservice to yourself. It’s a subtle form of self-erasure, where you end up losing touch with the person you really are. It’s okay to feel vulnerable or unsure at times, but never forget that your worth isn’t tied to anyone’s validation. The right people, the ones who are worth your time, will appreciate you for who you truly are - not for how well you fit into their expectations. Your power lies in your authenticity. Never let anyone make you feel like you need to change for anyone else. You are enough. 4. Rise above the harmful stereotypes The fact that you’re grappling with this is evidence that you have awareness, intelligence, and emotional maturity beyond what these guys will ever be able to comprehend. You’re seeing through the facade and choosing to demand more - and that is exactly what you should do. Rise above the toxic ideas that limit women. Don’t allow yourself to be dragged down into a space where you feel like you have to be “someone else” just to get by. That’s the trap, and you’re too smart for it. Instead, choose to stand in your power, be unapologetically yourself, and surround yourself with people who encourage you to be the full, unapologetic version of YOU. 5. Set boundaries and demand respect It’s not enough to simply ignore or walk away from these harmful conversations. Set boundaries with these people. Tell them, “I don’t appreciate the way you’re talking about girls. This isn’t okay with me.” And if they don’t respect that? Walk away. You don’t have to put up with people who don’t respect you or others. You get to decide who is worthy of your energy. When you hold firm to your boundaries, you’re teaching people how to treat you - and it’s a message that says, “I won’t accept disrespect, and I will never compromise my values or my self-worth for anyone.” 6. Find your tribe If you feel like your current friends aren’t lifting you up, it’s time to start looking for those who truly see you, support you, and respect you for who you are - people who love you for your strength, your intelligence, and your authenticity. The world is full of amazing, empowering people, and you deserve to surround yourself with those who share your values. Choose your people wisely, and remember, the right friends will respect your boundaries and help you grow into the incredible person you already are. 7. Empower yourself and others You don’t have to be anyone other than who you are. When you embrace yourself fully, you inspire others to do the same. By rejecting the harmful stereotypes around women, you can create a ripple effect of empowerment. Stand tall, be proud of your unique qualities, and know that you don’t need to change for anyone. Your worth is already immeasurable. You are not here to fit into someone else’s idea of what a woman should be. You are here to define yourself, and anyone who doesn’t respect that is not worth your time. Keep rejecting the limiting stereotypes that society throws at us, and stand firm in your truth: You are enough as you are, and you deserve a life that honours your whole, authentic self. Lots of love to you, love Aunty Hilda xox

Hi Aunty Hilda, me and my boyfriend have been dating for a few months and wanna have sex but I don't want to show him my boobs because i'm really scared and I hate what my boobs look like, but I know guys love them. What do I do?

That's a great question - Feeling comfortable with your body is an important part of being ready for any form of intimacy, especially sex. If you're feeling uneasy about showing certain parts of your body, like your breasts, that could be a sign that you might not be fully ready for sex just yet. Sex is deeply personal, and being emotionally and physically comfortable with both your partner and your own body is essential. Here’s why: 1. Sex should be about mutual comfort and respect When you’re ready for sex, it should be because you feel comfortable with your body and your partner, and not because you feel pressured or think it's the “next step” in the relationship. Your comfort is key, and if you’re unsure about exposing certain parts of your body, it might mean you need more time to feel comfortable with your own self-image or to build trust with your partner. 2. Understanding your boundaries Not being ready to share certain aspects of your body doesn’t make you “wrong” or less of a person. It just means that you’re still figuring out what your boundaries are, and that’s totally okay. If you feel like you’re not ready to show your breasts or if it makes you uncomfortable, then it’s a sign to take a step back and think about what you’re truly comfortable with. It’s perfectly okay to set that boundary. 3. Sex is about feeling safe Sex isn’t just about physical intimacy—it’s also about emotional safety and feeling like you’re making a choice that feels right for you. If you’re not comfortable showing a part of your body, it might indicate that you’re not yet comfortable with the idea of being intimate in that way. Feeling secure and at ease is an important part of having a positive, healthy sexual experience. 4. Take your time It’s completely normal to take your time and get comfortable with your body and the idea of intimacy before deciding to have sex. You don’t have to rush, and there’s no timeline. Your feelings are valid, and it’s important to listen to them. Being clear about what you are and aren’t ready for is a sign of emotional maturity and self-respect. All the best, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

My friend thinks I have issues with myself and only have sex with my boyfriend because he wants to. What do I do?

Thanks for this - It can be really tough when a friend thinks something about you that doesn’t align with how you feel or what’s actually going on. Here’s how you might handle it: 1. Reflect on your own feelings Start by checking in with yourself. Do you feel comfortable with your decision to have sex with your boyfriend? It’s important to make sure that you’re having sex because you want to and not because of pressure or to please someone else. Your choices should be about what feels right for you—not just about what your boyfriend wants. 2. Talk to your friend and ask for clarification Instead of just defending yourself, it might help to ask your friend to explain what she means and what she’s observed. You could say something like, “I hear what you’re saying, but I’d love to understand more about why you think that. What have you seen that makes you feel that way?” This opens up a conversation where you can better understand her concerns, and it also gives you a chance to reflect on whether there’s anything you might have missed in your own relationship. Sometimes friends see things we’re blind to, and this conversation can help both of you understand each other better. 3. Set boundaries with your friend If your friend continues to make judgments about your choices, it’s okay to set boundaries. You can explain that, while you value their concern, your personal life and decisions are yours to make. Let them know you’re open to their support but that judging your choices doesn’t help you. 4. Check in with your boyfriend It’s important that you feel supported in your relationship, so if your friend’s comment has you questioning things, it might help to have an open conversation with your boyfriend. Are both of you comfortable with the pace of your relationship? Do you feel like your needs and boundaries are being respected? A healthy relationship is built on mutual consent and understanding, so this conversation can help strengthen your connection and make sure you’re both on the same page. 5. Seek support if needed If you feel conflicted about your choices, it could be helpful to talk to a school counsellor or trusted adult. You deserve to feel confident in your choices, and having a neutral person to talk to can help you work through any feelings of doubt or confusion. Ultimately, you are in charge of your body and your choices, and it’s important to make decisions that feel right for you. If you feel comfortable with your sexual relationship, then you’re doing what’s truly best for you, no matter what anyone else thinks. All the best, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

My friend said my boyfriend isn't good enough for me. How do I confront her about it? She doesn't know I know.

It sounds like your friend’s comment might be coming from a place of concern, especially if she’s noticed things in your relationship that she thinks might not be healthy for you. Sometimes, friends pick up on patterns in our relationships that we might not see ourselves, and it’s important to be open to those observations, even if they feel uncomfortable. Facing uncomfortable truths is hard, but it can help us grow. Here’s how you could approach this: 1. Reflect on the dynamics Take a moment to think about your relationship and whether anything feels off. Is there anything you’ve noticed that might suggest things aren’t as balanced or healthy as they should be? Are you being treated in a way that makes you feel valued, respected, and supported? This doesn't mean your boyfriend is a bad person, but sometimes we overlook things because we're caught up in the relationship. It might help to reflect on how you really feel and whether your needs are being met. 2. Talk to your friend openly When you have the conversation with your friend, try to approach it with understanding. You might say something like, “I understand you’re concerned, and I really appreciate that you care about me. But I also want to make my own decisions about my relationship. Can you share what you’ve observed that’s made you feel this way?” Asking her perspective will help you see where she’s coming from and open up a deeper conversation. 3. Acknowledge the uncomfortable truths It’s important to be open to hearing hard things. Sometimes, we need to face uncomfortable truths about our relationships, even if it means accepting that things aren’t as perfect as they seem. If your friend is noticing something in the relationship that you haven’t, take it as a moment to reflect and consider if there are any red flags you might have missed. It’s okay to feel uncomfortable about this - it’s part of the process of figuring out what’s best for you. 4. Set boundaries in the conversation At the same time, remind your friend that it’s your relationship, and you’re the one who knows how it feels from the inside. You could say, “I hear what you’re saying, but I want to make sure you understand that I’m the one in this relationship, and I know what feels right for me.” It’s important that your decisions come from your own sense of what’s healthy for you. 5. Talk to your boyfriend if needed If you do realise that there’s something you need to address in your relationship, having an open conversation with your boyfriend about it is key. Relationships should involve honesty, mutual respect, and open communication. If there’s something you’re not comfortable with, it’s important to express that to him. It might help you both understand each other better and strengthen the relationship. 6. Trust yourself Ultimately, you are the best judge of your relationship. If you feel comfortable, happy, and respected, that’s what matters. But if something feels off, don’t be afraid to re-evaluate things and make changes that prioritise your emotional well-being. Trust yourself and your instincts - you know what’s best for you. best of luck, love Aunty Hilda xox

What should it feel like for the girl when she gives a guy a blow job?

Thats a really great question - When giving a blowjob, it’s really important that it never feels uncomfortable, painful, or overwhelming. The experience should always be consensual, comfortable, and enjoyable for both partners. 1. Comfort is Key Any sexual experience, including giving a blowjob, should always feel comfortable for you. If at any point it feels uncomfortable in any way, it’s a clear sign to stop or adjust what you're doing. There’s no pressure to do anything that doesn’t feel right. It's essential that you feel at ease, not just physically, but emotionally as well. 2. Communication is Crucial You should feel free to communicate with your partner if something doesn’t feel good. Let them know if the angle, pressure, or depth feels uncomfortable for you. Good communication ensures that both partners feel safe and respected. If you feel any discomfort in your throat, jaw, or mouth, or any other part of your body, speak up immediately. Consent and comfort should always come first. 3. Take Your Time There’s no rush when it comes to intimate acts. If at any point it feels overwhelming, slow down or take a break. Sexual experiences should be about mutual pleasure, not about feeling pressured to perform. You control the pace, and it’s okay to take it slow or stop whenever you need to. 5. Trust Your Instincts Your instincts are important—if something doesn’t feel right, trust that feeling. It’s completely okay to stop or pause at any time, and your partner should respect that. No one should ever make you feel uncomfortable or pressure you into continuing something that doesn’t feel right. 6. Pleasure is About Connection Remember, the focus should always be on pleasure and mutual respect. Both partners should feel good, and the experience should be enjoyable for you, not something that makes you feel uncomfortable in any way. All the very best, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I feel like my friend should go to counselling, but she won't because she thinks they tell your parents. Any tips on how to get her there, or do I just leave her alone?

They absolutely DO NOT TELL YOUR PARENTS (or teachers)!! Thanks for your question! A really important message for everyone to know. It's really understandable for people to feel unsure about trusting someone they don't know. But counsellors are part of an organisation where they have to follow strict ethical guidelines about what can and can not be shared. Unless someones life is at risk, then a counsellor can't tell anyone - unless they have the permission of that person. Sometimes people think that counselling is only for "really bad stuff", but actually, counselling is for everything and everyone - talking to someone outside our family or friend group can be really helpful and give us some new ways of thinking about things. You're obviously worried about your friend - she's lucky to have you. Maybe you could show her this answer and then help her make the appointment, or even offer to come along. But sometimes these things can take time and waiting for her to feel ready is ok too. However, if you're worried about her safety, then it's important to share that with an adult who can help; the counsellor is a good person for that too. All the best, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm really insecure about my 'down there' [the labia - the lips/flaps on the outside]. I keep seeing stuff on TikTok about outies and innies and I think I have an outie. I'm so scared mine looks different other girls' and I'm scared to get intimate with any guy because what if he thinks it looks weird?? I'm also scared the waxing lady would judge... Is it normal to have an outie?? Thanks Aunty Hilda!

Thanks for a great question - First off, I want to say that it’s completely normal to feel insecure about your body, especially with all the unrealistic beauty standards we see online and on platforms like TikTok. When it comes to vulvas and labia, it’s important to understand that there’s no “normal” or one-size-fits-all when it comes to appearance. Everyone’s body is different, and that includes the appearance of the labia. 1. What’s the difference between "outies" and "innies"? The terms "outie" and "innie" are sometimes used to describe the appearance of the labia minora (the inner lips). An “outie” simply refers to labia minora that extend past the labia majora (the outer lips), while an "innie" refers to labia minora that are more tucked inside the labia majora. Both are completely normal and vary greatly from person to person. There is no "better" or "worse" when it comes to how your body looks. 2. The impact of social media It’s natural to compare yourself to what you see on social media, but it’s important to remember that what you see on TikTok or Instagram isn’t always real or representative of everyone’s experiences. The content you’re exposed to might show a very limited or edited view of bodies, which can make you feel like yours doesn’t match up. There is a wide range of natural variation, and your body is perfectly normal as it is. 3. Fear of intimacy or judgment It’s understandable that you might feel scared about being intimate with someone or about getting a wax. But intimacy should be about connection, trust, and mutual respect, not about meeting certain beauty standards. A partner who truly cares about you won’t focus on how you look "down there" but will value you for who you are and how you make them feel. When it comes to waxing, most waxing professionals have seen a variety of body types and understand that everyone looks different. They won’t judge you because they see LOADS of labia like yours and they’re there to make you feel comfortable and help with your grooming needs. 4. It’s okay to be different Bodies come in all shapes, sizes, and forms, and no two vulvas are the same. What you have is just as natural and beautiful as anyone else’s. The idea that there’s a “perfect” way for your body to look is a myth. You don’t have to fit a certain standard to be worthy or beautiful. Being confident in yourself and embracing your uniqueness is empowering. 5. Taking care of yourself If you want to feel more comfortable or confident, focus on taking care of yourself in ways that make you feel good. Whether it’s learning more about your body, finding products that make you feel comfortable, or having an open conversation with a trusted partner, your self-worth isn’t tied to how your body looks. If you're still unsure or feeling insecure, consider talking to a therapist or a healthcare provider who can help you work through these feelings. Your body is your body, and you are the one who defines what makes you feel confident and comfortable. There’s no "right" way to look, and you deserve to feel good about yourself just as you are. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

Someone I don't know is spreading reputation-damaging rumours about me. how do I address it without addressing them because they are manipulative and will twist whatever I say.

I’m really sorry to hear you’re dealing with this - it’s a tough situation. Here’s how you might address it without directly engaging with the person spreading rumours: 1. Stay calm and composed The first step is to stay calm. It's easy to feel angry or upset, but reacting impulsively or emotionally can give the person spreading the rumours power. Don’t let them control your reactions. You have the right to protect your reputation without engaging in drama or conflict. 2. Control your narrative Without addressing the person directly, you can take control of the situation by calmly and confidently addressing the rumours to those who matter. This might mean having a conversation with people who are affected by or hearing these rumours. You could say something like, “I’ve heard some things being said about me that aren’t true, and I want to make sure the facts are clear. This is who I am, and I’m not going to let false rumours define me.” Keep it straightforward, factual, and calm, and avoid engaging with the gossip itself. 3. Set boundaries with others You might find that some people are curious or want to talk about the rumours. Set boundaries politely by saying something like, “I’d rather not discuss that. It’s not something I want to get into.” This can help you avoid getting dragged into conversations that could make the situation worse. 4. Focus on your actions, not words Let your actions speak louder than any rumour. Continue being yourself, doing your work, and treating others with respect. Your consistency will speak volumes to those who matter and help those around you see the truth, regardless of the lies being spread. 5. Use your support network If the rumours are seriously damaging, it’s helpful to talk to people you trust - like friends, family. They can help reinforce your side of the story and support you if the rumours escalate. In some cases, involving someone in a position of authority can help. 6. Consider your options If the rumours are really hurting you and spreading widely, it might be worth considering talking to a trusted authority figure. If it’s happening at school, or work, sometimes people in charge can intervene and help clear things up without you having to deal with it directly. 7. Protect your mental health Dealing with rumours can be exhausting, especially if the person spreading them is manipulative. Don’t hesitate to seek support from a counsellor if you need help managing your feelings and navigating this stressful situation. They can also offer strategies to build resilience and protect your mental health while handling the situation. You’re doing the right thing by not engaging directly with the person spreading the rumours. Focus on maintaining your integrity and protecting your peace. Eventually, the truth will become clear to those around you, and the rumour-monger will lose their power. All the best, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I think I'm getting a crush on one of my teachers and I'm disgusted in myself - how do I stop this?

Thanks for this question. It's completely normal to have a crush on a person that we spend a lot of time with, whether a teacher or a media star. Adolescence is often a really confusing time because of our emotions and attractions, but these feelings don't define us and they are often a normal part of growing up. Because teachers are in a position of authority and trust, we can have feelings of admiration for them, especially since they are interested in what we are doing and spend time helping us. It can be difficult to seperate those feelings and remember that they are a professional doing their job, with strict, clear boundaries around how they are to interact with students. So it's normal to feel these things - and maybe distracting yourself and keeping yourself busy will help to slowly create some space with those thoughts. Talking to a counsellor about these things is a great way to unpack and process some of this. It's definitely not something to feel disgusted in yourself about. All the best and lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I don't know how how to talk to my parents about maybe being transgender. I'm really scared

First off, it’s completely understandable that you’re feeling scared - talking to your parents about something as personal as your gender identity can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re unsure of how they might react. But know that your feelings are valid, and it’s important to be able to express who you truly are. Here are some ways to navigate this difficult conversation: 1. Take time to reflect on your feelings Before you talk to your parents, it might help to spend some time reflecting on your feelings and understanding what you're experiencing. This can give you clarity and confidence when you do talk to them. It’s okay to not have all the answers right now - it’s a journey, and it’s important to move at your own pace. 2. Start with small conversations If you’re worried about diving right into a big talk, you can start with smaller conversations. You might begin by talking about things like gender identity, gender expression, or what it means to be transgender in general. This can help gauge their reactions and start the conversation in a less intense way. 3. Be honest, but take it slow When you’re ready to talk to them directly, it’s important to be honest and clear about how you feel, but also to go at your own pace. You might say something like, “I’ve been thinking a lot about my gender, and I’m starting to realise that I might be transgender. I’m still figuring things out, but I wanted to share this with you.” This approach allows for honesty but also leaves room for questions and exploration. 4. Express your fear and uncertainty It’s okay to be vulnerable and express how scared or uncertain you feel. You could say, “I’m really scared because I don’t know how you’ll react, but this is something I feel strongly about, and I trust you enough to share it with you.” Being open about your fears can help them see how serious this is for you and can encourage a more empathetic response. 5. Prepare for different reactions It’s hard to predict exactly how your parents will react, and they may have questions or need time to process. Give them space to react, and try to remain patient. Some parents may need time to fully understand, while others may be immediately supportive. Either way, this is about your journey, and it’s okay if it takes time for everyone to adjust. 6. Have resources ready It can help to have resources available to share with your parents. You might want to provide articles, videos, or pamphlets about transgender identities, or connect them to support groups or organisations like pflag.org or genderspectrum.org. This can give them more context and help them understand what you’re going through. 7. Consider seeking outside support If you’re not sure how to start the conversation or you’re worried about your safety, you could consider talking to a school counsellor, therapist, or trusted adult first. They can help guide you in having the conversation with your parents, or in making a plan that feels right for you. 8. Know that you’re not alone There are many people who have been through similar experiences, and you don’t have to navigate this journey on your own. Whether it’s online communities, local groups, or supportive friends, there are people who understand and can provide emotional support as you move forward. Coming out as transgender is a personal journey, and how you approach it with your parents is up to you. You deserve to be loved and accepted for who you truly are, and while the conversation might feel scary, it can also be an opportunity for growth, understanding, and acceptance. Take your time and do what feels right for you. All the very best and lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I think I might be in love with a year 11 boy, but I don't know how to tell him. Please help!

Thanks for sharing this - it's a challenging feeling and spot to be in! Here are some thoughts.... 1. Reflect on Your Feelings Before approaching the situation, take some time to really understand your feelings. Is it a crush, or do you genuinely feel in love? Understanding the intensity of your feelings can help you figure out how serious you are about it and how best to approach it. 2. Gauge His Interest Try to pay attention to how he acts around you. Does he seem to like you in a similar way? Look for signs like playful teasing, flirting, or spending extra time with you. If you notice these signs, it might be an indication that he feels the same way, which can make starting a conversation easier. 3. Build a Friendship First If you don’t already have a strong connection, it might be helpful to get to know him better through casual conversations and shared activities. Building a friendship first can make it easier to express your feelings without the pressure of a romantic declaration. 4. Be Honest and Direct (but gentle) If you decide you want to tell him, being honest is important, but it’s also helpful to keep things light and open. You could say something like, “I’ve started to have feelings for you, and I wanted to be honest about it. I’m not sure how you feel, but I thought it was important to share.” This approach shows vulnerability and gives him the space to share his thoughts. 5. Prepare for Any Response Be prepared for any reaction—whether he shares your feelings or not. If he does feel the same, that’s great! If he doesn’t, try to accept it with grace, and remember that your feelings are valid no matter his response. 6. Respect Boundaries and Take It Slowly If things progress and he feels the same way, make sure to take it at a pace that feels comfortable for both of you. There’s no rush to define what’s happening, and it’s important to ensure you’re both comfortable with how things develop. 7. Be Proud of Your Honesty Telling someone how you feel can be nerve-wracking, but it’s also a powerful step toward understanding yourself and your emotions. Be proud of having the courage to express your feelings, whether or not the outcome is what you hoped for. Take your time and trust that you’ll know when it’s the right moment to talk to him. All the best to you! Love, Aunty Hilda xox

We have an older friend who often comes into the changing rooms when we are getting ready for PE, which they don't have, which makes me slightly uncomfortable. I have asked them to stop, but they won't. How do I get them to stop?

It’s really important that you feel comfortable and respected in spaces like changing rooms, especially when you're getting ready for PE. If you’ve already asked your older friend to stop and they’re not listening, here are a few steps you can take: 1. Be Clear and Firm Sometimes, when a request isn’t being respected, it might help to be very clear and firm in your boundaries. You could say something like, “I’ve asked you to stop coming into the changing room when we’re getting ready, and it’s really important to me that you respect that boundary. Please don’t come in anymore.” You don’t need to explain or justify your feelings—you have the right to privacy. 2. Talk to a Trusted Adult If they continue to ignore your request, it might be time to talk to a teacher, PE instructor, or school counsellor. Let them know that you feel uncomfortable and that you’ve already asked your friend to stop, but they haven’t respected your request. They can help enforce boundaries and make sure you feel safe and respected. 3. Talk to Your Friend Again (If You Feel Comfortable) If you feel comfortable doing so, have a calm conversation with your friend again and let them know how this situation makes you feel. Sometimes people don’t realise how much something can affect others. You might say, “I understand you might not think it’s a big deal, but it makes me feel uncomfortable. Please respect my boundaries, and stop coming into the changing room.” 4. Set Boundaries with Others If this friend is with other people when they come into the changing room, make sure that everyone is on the same page and communicate the boundary together. It might help to support each other and make sure everyone is comfortable. 5. Stand by Your Boundaries Ultimately, your comfort and privacy are the most important, and you have the right to set boundaries that protect them. If someone isn’t respecting those boundaries, it’s okay to involve a trusted adult who can help resolve the situation. It’s not easy to stand up for yourself, but you deserve to feel safe and respected, and having someone support you in this process can make a huge difference. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

Hi Aunty Hilda! Why do people think I'm nicer than I am? I'm seen as optimistic, carefree, open to new experiences, grounded, practical and nurturing. Someone who lights up the room. But I think I've manipulated people to think I'm kinder than I am. I'm actually a really mean, unkind person and I would never choose to be my friend and I feel sad I've tricked them into liking me. I think people probably actually find me really annoying... I can't tell anyone any of this because I'm the super happy-confident - never-makes-a mistake girl. Whenever anyone else is around me "sunny" is my default position. Anyway, sorry for bothering you, I just wanted someone to actually see ME instead of my persona. Thank you for all you do, this is such an important website for students!

I’m so glad you’ve reached out, and I want you to know that it’s completely okay to have complex feelings and not always feel like your "persona" matches what’s inside. You’re not alone in feeling like you're playing a role to meet expectations. It’s part of the pressure we face in society to be “perfect” or “happy” all the time, particularly as women, where we’re often socialised to perform positivity, care, and nurturing. Here’s what you might want to think about: 1. The Pressure of Perfection and Gender Expectations Women are often expected to be the “nurturers”, the “sunny” ones, and the ones who always make others feel comfortable. You might feel like you have to be the person everyone expects you to be, because that’s the role that’s often assigned to women. This can create a disconnect between how others see you and how you feel inside. In psychology, this is sometimes referred to as "role engulfment," where we get caught up in playing a role (like the "happy" or "perfect" person) that doesn’t align with our authentic selves. 2. The Persona vs. The Real You The persona you present might be different from how you really feel about yourself, but that doesn’t mean it’s all fake. You’ve developed a persona to cope with expectations, but that doesn’t invalidate the person you are underneath. The real “you” is allowed to be complex, messy, and not always “nice”. It’s okay to have moments where you don’t feel optimistic or carefree. It’s also important to note that you don’t have to be perfect to be valuable or worthy of connection. 3. Self-Compassion and the Inner Critic It sounds like you’re being really hard on yourself, calling yourself “mean” or “unkind.” But what I hear is someone who feels deeply and is possibly self-critical because they’re trying to live up to a standard that is hard to meet. Self-compassion is an important part of psychotherapy, and it means treating yourself with the same care and understanding you’d offer a friend. Instead of focusing on all the “flaws” you see in yourself, try to show yourself kindness. It’s okay to not be perfect, and your worth is not based on being constantly “nice.” 4. The Impact of Performing "Happiness" It’s exhausting to perform happiness all the time. This persona of being the “super happy-confident” person can feel like a mask you wear, but it’s okay to take that mask off when you’re with people who you trust. This mask can actually be draining, and sometimes it becomes harder to see your true self beneath it. It might be worth considering how you can allow yourself to feel more authentically in certain spaces and with people you feel safe with. 5. Authentic Connections You mentioned feeling sad because you feel like you've “tricked” people into liking you. But people are connecting with the parts of you that you’ve shown them, and those parts are real, too. No one expects you to be perfect all the time, and true friendship isn’t based on only seeing the "good" parts of someone—it’s about being real with one another. True connections happen when we’re able to be vulnerable, not just when we’re in our “sunny” persona. 6. The Role of Therapy It might be helpful to explore these feelings more deeply in therapy, where you can safely unpack why you feel you need to be this “perfect” person all the time. A therapist can help you understand the patterns of self-criticism and the expectations you’ve been internalising, and help you find ways to let go of that pressure. It’s okay to be imperfect, and therapy can help you feel more aligned with your authentic self rather than a version you think others want to see. 7. You are allowed to be whole You are not defined by your "sunny" persona—you are a complex, multi-dimensional person with a right to feel all kinds of things, including sadness, frustration, or even moments of anger. Your emotions are valid, and your worth is not based on always being the “perfect” person. Embracing your full, authentic self—flaws and all—is where true happiness and connection begin. Final Thoughts You’re not alone in feeling like this. Many people—especially women—struggle with the pressure to be perfect. The key is to allow yourself to show up as you are, without feeling the need to be constantly “happy” or “good.” Your friends and loved ones will value you for your true self, and you deserve to take off the mask and be seen for exactly who you are, without needing to perform. With lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxo

I have a friend who is in a very toxic friendship and they want to leave. Everytime they try to leave them they are dragged back. This has been going on for about a year. I want to help but I don't know how.

It’s great that you want to support your friend. Here’s how you can help: 1. Acknowledge their feelings Let them know it’s okay to feel confused or stuck. Validate their emotions to make them feel supported. 2. Empower them to set boundaries Encourage your friend to set clear boundaries with the toxic friend, even if it’s starting small, like limiting contact or not engaging with unhealthy behaviour. 3. Help them recognise manipulation Point out any patterns of manipulation or guilt-tripping, so they understand the dynamic. Knowing this can help them feel empowered to act. 4. Encourage gradual distancing Instead of a sudden break, suggest they gradually pull away. They can spend less time with them and focus on healthier relationships. 5. Be there for emotional support Offer encouragement and remind them that they deserve healthy friendships. Be a consistent support system throughout this process. 6. Offer practical steps Help them make a clear plan to distance themselves, whether it’s through direct communication or limiting contact. 7. Be patient This will take time. Let them move at their own pace, and continue to encourage them even if they slip back into old patterns. 8. Suggest professional help If it’s really affecting them, a therapist can help navigate the emotional impact of a toxic friendship. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

My friend is struggling with anger issues and it's really affecting them. I want to help them and find ways to cope without them hurting themselves or others.

Thanks for this - It’s great that you want to help your friend with their anger issues. Here are some ways you can support them: Listen and validate their feelings: Sometimes, just being there to listen can help them feel heard without needing to fix anything. Encourage healthy coping: Suggest strategies like deep breathing, physical activity, or journaling to help manage their anger. Identify triggers: Help them think about what causes their anger. Knowing their triggers can help them react more calmly in the future. Suggest professional help: If their anger is affecting their life, encourage them to speak with a counsellor for more support and strategies. Set boundaries: If their anger turns toward you or others in a harmful way, kindly but firmly let them know it's not okay, while still offering support. Be patient: Change takes time, so keep offering your support without putting the pressure on yourself to fix everything. You’re being a great friend by supporting them, but remember, it’s ultimately their responsibility to work through their anger with the right help. You obviously care, but this is not yours to fix. Keep being the great friend that you are, and encourage them to see the counsellor, or talk to an adult who can help them. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I really want to kiss my partner, but I don't know how. They've made it clear they want to and they've done it before with other people, but I haven't. Can you give me some advice?

Thanks for this question - A first kiss can be really nerve - racking! But everyone has their first kiss, so don't worry too much! 1. Start Slowly When you’re both close, lean in slowly—don’t rush it. Start with a gentle touch on their lips. Keep your lips soft, not too tight or stiff. 2. Tilt Your Head As you lean in, slightly tilt your head to the side to avoid bumping noses. You can angle your head to match your partner’s, making it easier and more comfortable. 3. Keep It Light Start with a gentle, closed-mouth kiss. Don’t feel like you need to dive into anything more intense right away. Keep it slow and relaxed, focusing on the feel of being close to them. 4. Move With the Rhythm After a few moments, you can slightly move your lips, exploring the rhythm of the kiss. Don’t force it, just let things flow naturally. If you feel comfortable, you can add some gentle pressure, but keep it light and easy. 5. Use Your Hands Your hands can make a kiss feel more intimate. Place them gently on their arms, face, or around their waist, but make sure it’s comfortable for both of you. Don’t worry about getting it “perfect”—focus on the connection. 6. Listen to Their Cues Pay attention to how your partner reacts. If they pull back slightly, don’t rush forward. Let things unfold naturally. If they deepen the kiss, you can follow their lead, but it’s all about what feels comfortable for both of you. 7. Relax and Enjoy the Moment It’s normal to feel nervous, but try to stay relaxed and present in the moment. There’s no pressure to make it perfect—just enjoy the connection and experience together. Kissing is something you both can figure out together, and there’s no “right” way to do it. It’s about what feels good for you and your partner! The first time can be a bit muddled, but that's totally normal :) All the best, Love Aunty Hilda xox

Hi Aunties - I'm a bit self-conscious of the smell down there and I was wondering how to look after it and clean it. Thank you for your help xx

Thanks for a great question - It’s totally normal to feel self-conscious about personal hygiene, but I want to reassure you that your body is unique and it’s important to care for it in a way that feels comfortable to you. Here’s some advice on how to look after that area and keep things fresh: 1. Don’t use harsh soaps or douches ("feminine products"). The vagina is a self-cleaning organ, and it doesn’t need strong soaps or special products to stay fresh. In fact, using strong soaps or douching/feminine wipes etc, can actually disrupt the natural balance of bacteria and cause irritation. Stick to lukewarm water and a gentle, fragrance-free soap around the outside (the vulva), if needed. 2. Wash gently and avoid internal cleaning When washing, be gentle—there’s no need to scrub. Clean the external area (the vulva), which is the part you can see, but don’t wash inside the vagina itself. It cleans itself naturally. Avoid scented products like sprays or powders, as they can upset the delicate balance. 3. Wear breathable fabrics Cotton underwear is breathable and can help reduce moisture, which is important for keeping things fresh. Avoid tight-fitting underwear or pants for long periods of time, as they can trap heat and moisture, creating a breeding ground for bacteria. 4. Change pads/tampons regularly If you’re on your period, make sure to change pads or tampons every 4-6 hours. Wearing a pad or tampon for too long can lead to unpleasant smells. Change out of sweaty clothes as soon as you can to keep things fresh. 5. Be mindful of diet and hydration What you eat and drink can affect how you smell down there too. Staying hydrated and eating a balanced diet can help maintain a healthy pH balance. Avoid overly spicy or pungent foods if you notice they affect your body’s smell. 6. Listen to your body It’s normal to have some natural scent, but if you notice any unusual smells or changes (like itching, discomfort, or discharge that’s not typical for you), it might be a good idea to check in with a healthcare professional. It could be a sign of an infection or imbalance. Remember, every body is different, and natural smells are totally normal. Take care of yourself in a way that feels good and comfortable, and don’t be afraid to reach out for advice if you feel something’s not quite right. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

My friends think I cheated on my girlfriend, but I didn't. We broke up and then someone else asked me out and I said yes - because I was single! Now they both hate me and are saying awful things. I need advice, because I did not cheat!

Thanks for sharing this -It sounds like you’re going through a tough situation, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling frustrated and misunderstood. Here’s some advice on how to handle things: 1. Clarify the timeline with your friends It seems like the confusion might stem from a misunderstanding about the timing. Be honest with your friends and explain that your relationship had ended before you started seeing someone new. You can say something like, “I know this situation is messy, but I didn’t cheat. We broke up, and after that, I started seeing someone else. I understand it might feel like it happened too quickly, but I wasn’t in a relationship when I agreed to go out with them.” 2. Acknowledge their feelings without taking blame It’s important to acknowledge how your friends feel, even if their assumptions about you aren’t accurate. You might say, “I get that you’re upset, but I need you to understand that I wasn’t in a relationship when I started seeing someone else. I didn’t cheat, and I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.” This shows that you respect their feelings without apologising for something you didn’t do. 3. Don’t let their negativity affect you too much It’s tough when people are saying awful things, but try not to internalise their anger or allow it to affect your sense of what’s right. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you should stand by that. If their accusations continue without a willingness to listen to your side, it might be worth reassessing how much time and energy you invest in those friendships. 4. Focus on open communication If you’re still in touch with your ex-girlfriend, it might help to talk to her as well. She might be feeling hurt or betrayed, and having an honest conversation could clear up any misunderstandings. You can both express how you feel and hopefully find some peace, even if things have ended between you. 5. Consider distancing yourself from toxic negativity If your friends continue to be toxic or unwilling to listen to your side, you might want to take a step back from them. Healthy friendships should involve mutual respect and understanding, and if they’re not willing to hear you out, it may be time to distance yourself from that negativity. 6. Move forward with respect for yourself Ultimately, you made decisions based on your own feelings and needs, and you didn’t act dishonestly. Take care of yourself, stay true to your values, and don’t feel pressured to apologise for things you didn’t do. You’ve done nothing wrong, and this will eventually pass. Focus on maintaining your own peace and understanding, and if these friendships can’t respect that, it might be time to move on. All the best, Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm in the junior school and would like to go to counselling because I've been through a lot of trauma, but during the trauma I pretended I was fine and still do. I want to go to counselling at school but without anybody knowing (especially my family and friends) what can I do?

Thank you for sharing this question - I’m really sorry you’re going through this, but I’m so glad you’re reaching out for support. It’s important to recognise that you don’t have to go through this alone, and there are ways to get the help you need while keeping your privacy intact. Here’s what you can do: 1. Strict confidentiality When you come to see Marcelle or Suzy, everything you say stays confidential, unless there’s a risk to life. This means they cannot share anything you discuss with anyone—including your family, friends, or teachers. The only person who needs to know you’re seeing a counsellor is Mrs Maddigan, and that’s only so she can mark you on the roll. No one else will know, and you can be completely honest without worrying about your privacy. 2. Request private appointment times If you’re concerned about people seeing you, you can ask for appointment times when fewer people are around, which can help you feel more comfortable. You can email Marcelle or Suzy, or speak to them directly, to arrange a time that works for you. They will make sure you feel safe and respected. 3. Talk about what feels comfortable You don’t have to dive into everything right away. Start by sharing what you’re comfortable with, and know that you can take things at your own pace. You’re in control of what you share, and they will never push you to talk about anything before you’re ready. 4. Focus on your well-being It’s normal to feel like you need to hide your emotions, but it’s really important to take care of yourself. Counselling can help you process the trauma you’ve experienced and find ways to cope that feel right for you. You deserve to have space to work through your feelings without feeling pressured or judged. 5. You don’t have to tell anyone if you’re not ready If you’re not ready to talk to your family or friends about seeing a counsellor, that’s perfectly okay. Your choice to seek help is personal, and you can keep it private until you feel it’s the right time to share with others. 6. You can reach out whenever you’re ready When you're ready, whether now or in the future, the counsellors are here for you. You can take your time and reach out at your own pace. The most important thing is that you're taking the first step toward healing. You’re not alone in this, and you’re showing incredible strength by wanting to take care of yourself. Reach out when you’re ready. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I was sexually assaulted when I was 7 and my older sister was too at age 10. It was worse for my sister, but doesn't mean it doesn't affect me. My parents found out and helped my sister and now it's 9 years ago and it very rarely comes up except for mum to say she hopes it never happens to anyone else. So either she forgot it happened to me or my parents just thought i would forget about it. I don't know if I should bring it up because it happened nearly ten years ago.... what's the point?

I’m really sorry you’ve had to carry this, and I understand why you might feel conflicted about bringing it up now, especially after so many years.It’s completely understandable to feel unsure about talking about something so painful that happened years ago. But it’s important to remember that what happened to you still matters, even if it feels like a long time ago. The trauma doesn’t disappear over time, and your feelings are valid no matter when they arise. If you feel that it still affects you, bringing it up with your parents, or even with a professional, could help you process it. They might not realise that you still need support, or perhaps they haven’t known how to bring it up themselves. Sometimes, people avoid these conversations because they’re unsure of how to approach them, not because they’ve forgotten. You don’t have to do it if you’re not ready, but having the option to talk about it might help you feel seen and heard. Healing doesn’t have a timeline, and it’s okay to revisit those feelings now if you feel like it’s holding you back or if you need closure or validation. It could also help to talk to a counsellor first, if you’re unsure how to bring it up with your parents. They can help you process your emotions and guide you through that conversation when you're ready. You don’t have to carry this on your own, and there’s no "right time" to address it—what matters is that you do it when you feel comfortable. You deserve to feel supported and to have your experience acknowledged.

My boyfriend and I have had sex multiple times but I don't experience any pleasure. I've pretended to orgasm every single time. How do I bring up the fact I'm not feeling anything without hurting his feelings?

Thank you for sharing this really important question - It sounds like there’s a lot of pressure around performance and orgasm, and it’s important to shift that focus towards connection and shared pleasure instead. Here’s how you can bring it up: 1. Reframe the goal of sex You could say, “I’ve realised that I’ve been pretending to orgasm, and I think we should focus more on enjoying being together, not just on the idea of having to orgasm. Sex can be about connection and feeling good, not about performance.” 2. Talk about the importance of the clitoris Many women find that clitoral stimulation is key to their pleasure, so you can say, “I think we need to explore different ways of enjoying sex together. For me, the clitoris is important, and focusing only on penetration isn’t enough. Let’s explore other ways to connect.” 3. Challenge the pressure of orgasms Let him know that sex doesn’t need to be about reaching orgasm every time: “Let’s not put pressure on having to ‘finish.’ I want us to focus on enjoying each other without stressing about the outcome.” 4. Encourage open communication Invite him to talk about what feels good during sex: “We could communicate more during sex, and I’d like to explore what feels good for both of us, without worrying about an ‘end goal.’” 5. Acknowledge the performance-driven narrative It's important to acknowledge that media and society often frame sex as a performance, where women’s pleasure is secondary to proving a man’s sexual prowess. Women are often shown in ways that suggest their role is to perform or “act” in order to validate their partner’s experience, which limits women’s authentic experience of sex. A lot of what we see in media creates this idea that sex is about performing or showing that someone is ‘good’ at it. But that focus on performance doesn’t let women really experience pleasure in their own bodies. I want to focus on being present and real with you, rather than following some ideal. By focusing on mutual pleasure and taking the pressure off orgasm, you can make sex a more enjoyable, connected experience without the need to perform or meet certain expectations. It’s all about open communication, making space for what truly feels good, and rejecting the performance-based narrative often pushed by media. Women deserve to experience sex authentically, and you both deserve to feel connected and at ease with each other. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

Me and my sister and Mum were out shopping and my sister and I were waiting in an alleyway next to the store mum was in. Out of no where this sketchy guy came out and tried to grab us and I used my metal drink bottle to bash him on the head. Me and my five year old sister ran away back to mum and then went home. I haven't told anyone about it because I'm not sure if I did the right thing....

Thanks you for sharing this scary experience. First of all, I want to say that you did the right thing in a difficult and dangerous situation. You protected yourself and your sister, and that’s incredibly brave. It’s natural to feel unsure after something like this, but when someone is trying to hurt you or your sister, it’s important to act quickly and protect yourselves in any way you can. You had to do what felt right in that moment to get out of that situation safely. Here’s what you can keep in mind: 1. You were protecting yourself and your sister When someone tries to grab you or puts you in danger, you have every right to defend yourself and your loved ones. Using the bottle to protect yourselves was an immediate reaction to a threatening situation, and it’s okay to use whatever you can to keep yourself safe. Your actions were a natural response to a scary moment, and there’s no right or wrong when it comes to protecting yourself in such a situation. 2. You acted out of instinct In moments of danger, people often act out of instinct, and that’s what you did. It’s not always possible to think things through calmly, and you acted quickly to get away and get to safety. That’s what matters. 3. It’s normal to feel conflicted after an experience like this What you went through was really intense, and it’s normal to feel conflicted or unsure afterward. The shock of the situation can make it hard to process right away, and it's okay if you’re still working through your feelings. It’s important to be kind to yourself and recognise that you acted to protect yourself and your sister, which is incredibly brave. 4. Talk to someone you trust Even though you haven’t told anyone yet, it might help to talk to someone you trust, whether it’s your mum, a friend, or a school counsellor. Talking through what happened can help you make sense of your emotions and get support. You don’t have to carry these feelings alone, and it’s okay to ask for help processing what happened. 5. Consider safety moving forward It might be helpful to have a conversation with your mum or another trusted adult about safety plans for situations like this. Understanding how to respond to danger is important, and it could help give you peace of mind for the future, knowing that you can act confidently and safely in similar situations. You did what you needed to do to protect yourself and your sister, and it’s important to give yourself credit for that. Your safety is what matters most, and you responded to that instinctively. Lots of love too you, Aunty Hilda xox

I have started trying to lose weight and I'm in a calorie deficit during the school week. But in the weekends I tend to overeat as there's nothing stopping me from from eating, which makes me feel crappy. What can I do?

It's great that you’re paying attention to how you’re feeling about your food choices, but it’s also important to recognise how diet culture can play a role in shaping how we view food, our bodies, and our worth. Diet culture often promotes restrictive eating and places moral value on food, making us feel guilty when we eat certain things or don’t conform to certain expectations. This leads to a toxic cycle of restriction and overeating, making us feel bad about ourselves when we don’t meet these unrealistic standards. 1. Challenge diet culture’s hold on you Diet culture tells us that we need to constantly be in control of what we eat in order to be worthy or healthy, but this is a harmful mindset. Health is not just about body size or food choices, and we should stop seeing food as "good" or "bad". Instead of focusing on cutting out foods or constantly restricting yourself, think about how you can nourish your body in a way that makes you feel good—both physically and mentally. Your worth is not tied to your body or food choices. 2. Plan with flexibility, not restriction Rather than strictly controlling what you eat during the week, try to create a more flexible approach for your weekends. Allow yourself to enjoy the foods you like without guilt or shame. Rather than focusing on a "calorie deficit," try to find balance and eat intuitively, recognising when you’re hungry and when you’re full. If you do overeat, it's important not to beat yourself up about it. The idea that we need to be perfect at all times is a harmful part of diet culture. Instead, focus on your overall health, not on any one meal or weekend. 3. Mindful eating over restrictive habits Mindful eating involves paying attention to your food, your hunger cues, and how certain foods make you feel. This is a much healthier approach than following diet rules or obsessing over calorie counts. Mindfulness can help break free from the cycle of guilt and shame that diet culture creates. You don’t have to punish yourself for enjoying food. Food should be a source of nourishment and pleasure, not stress or guilt. 4. Reject the idea of “perfection” Diet culture often makes us feel like we need to be perfect in our eating habits, but perfection isn’t possible or healthy. One slip-up doesn’t undo all the progress you’ve made. Be kind to yourself and allow space for mistakes. Embrace the idea that your body deserves respect and care, no matter what size or shape it is. Let go of the expectation that you need to conform to any narrow definition of what’s "good" or "healthy". 5. Focus on overall well-being, not weight loss Rather than focusing on the idea of losing weight or adhering to restrictive rules, think about your overall well-being. Movement, mental health, and emotional fulfilment should all be part of your wellness journey. You are not obligated to fit into anyone else’s standards of beauty or health. Be kind to yourself and focus on feeling good—inside and out. Ultimately, you deserve to eat without guilt, nourish your body with love, and be proud of the choices you make. Diet culture thrives on making us feel like we are never enough. Rejecting those harmful messages is an act of self-love and liberation. Best of luck, Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

My friend was recently used by a guy who only wanted sex. She handled ending the situation well by removing any type of contact with him on the phone, and she has said that she is fine and doesn't care, but I can't help but think she's hiding how she feels about it. I want to help her, but I don't know how.

It sounds like you really care about your friend, and that’s great. It’s tough when someone goes through something like this, and it can be difficult to know how best to support them. Here’s what you can do: 1. Check in with her, but let her lead the conversation Even if she says she’s fine, it’s still worth checking in every once in a while to see how she’s really feeling. Make sure to approach it in a way that gives her space to open up if she wants to. You might say something like, “I know you’ve said you’re fine, but I just want you to know that I’m here for you if you ever want to talk about it.” The key here is to let her know you're available without pushing her to talk if she’s not ready. 2. Respect her process Everyone handles situations like this differently, and she may genuinely feel okay or may be trying to protect herself by saying she’s fine. Sometimes, people mask their feelings to avoid confronting difficult emotions. Let her process things in her own way, but continue to offer your support in a non-judgemental way. If she needs to talk, she’ll know you’re there to listen. 3. Be a safe space for her Sometimes, it helps just to be there for her without expecting her to share anything she’s not ready to. You could invite her to hang out, do things she enjoys, or just be around her to show that you care. This can help her feel supported without feeling like she needs to talk if she doesn’t want to. 4. Validate her feelings If she does start to open up about the situation, validate her feelings, even if it seems like she’s over it. If she expresses anger, disappointment, or sadness, remind her that those feelings are completely valid. It’s natural to feel hurt or confused when someone treats you that way, and acknowledging that it’s okay to feel whatever she’s feeling is important. 5. Encourage self-care If she’s moved on and doesn’t want to talk about it, you could suggest self-care activities that help her feel good about herself, whether it’s exercise, journaling, doing something creative, or just spending time with people who make her feel loved and valued. Encouraging her to focus on herself and what makes her feel empowered can help her heal, even if it’s in ways that she might not be talking about. 6. Respect her boundaries If she says she’s fine and doesn’t want to talk about it, that’s okay too. Sometimes people need time to process before they’re ready to discuss it. Respect her boundaries and give her space, but let her know you’re always there if she changes her mind. Your support is really important, even if she’s not ready to open up fully. Just knowing that you care and that she can come to you when she’s ready is a huge comfort. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

Is it still self harm if you don't make yourself bleed or do it on your wrist?

Thank you for this question :) Self-harm can take many forms, and it doesn’t always have to involve bleeding or specific areas of the body like the wrist. The core of self-harm is the intention to hurt yourself as a way of coping with emotional pain. This could involve anything that causes harm or distress to your body, even if it doesn’t result in visible injuries like bleeding. It’s important to recognise that self-harm is a sign that you’re struggling emotionally and it’s okay to reach out for support. The goal isn’t to focus on the method but on finding healthier ways to cope with the pain or stress you’re feeling. What to do if you’re struggling: Talk to someone you trust: Whether it's a friend, family member, or a counsellor, reaching out for support can help you process your feelings and start to heal. Find other coping strategies: Instead of hurting yourself, try things like journaling, deep breathing, physical activity, or creative outlets. These can help you release pent-up emotions in a safer way. Seek professional help: If you’re finding it hard to stop, talking to a therapist or counsellor can help you work through the underlying reasons for self-harm and guide you toward healthier coping mechanisms. Remember, you don’t have to deal with this alone. Seeking help is a sign of strength, and there are people who want to support you through this. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

Hi Aunty, I find it hard to please myself and reach orgasm. Are there any tips?

Great question - 1. Clitoral stimulation is key for many The clitoris has more than 8,000 nerve endings, making it incredibly sensitive and a major source of pleasure for many people. Whether it's direct or indirect stimulation, clitoral touch is often crucial for orgasm. Experimenting with different types of touch, pressure, and rhythm can help you find what works best for you. 2. Internal and external can work together Some people do enjoy a combination of internal and clitoral stimulation, which can lead to a stronger or more intense orgasm. You don’t have to choose between them—a lot of people find that using both gives them a fuller experience. Using a lubricant makes things feel 3. Don’t feel pressured to fit a ‘norm’ There’s a lot of pressure from media and society to assume that orgasm should always happen in a specific way. Your body is unique, and you should explore what works best for you without feeling like you’re following someone else’s blueprint. 4. Self-exploration is important Everyone’s body is different, so take the time to explore yourself—what feels good, what doesn’t, and where you enjoy being touched. You’re the best person to figure out your body’s preferences, and there’s no rush. 5. There’s no “wrong” way to experience pleasure The important thing is to enjoy the experience without feeling pressured or comparing yourself to others. Relax and take your time. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

My boyfriend broke up with me and is now with a girl three years older than me. I scream at his instagram page with them together. I feel so depressed.

I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way—it sounds really painful, and I want to acknowledge that it’s okay to feel upset and hurt after a breakup, especially when you see your ex moving on with someone else. It’s completely natural to feel angry and sad. Here’s how you can take care of yourself through this tough time: 1. Give yourself time to feel Breakups can trigger a lot of emotions, and it’s okay to let yourself feel them—anger, sadness, frustration, confusion—they’re all part of the healing process. Don’t suppress what you're feeling, but allow yourself to process it, knowing that it won’t last forever. 2. Take a step back from social media It might be hard, but taking a break from his Instagram page (and anything related to him online) could help ease the pain. Social media can make it feel like you’re constantly being reminded of the situation, which can prolong your distress. Give yourself space to heal without constantly seeing updates about his new relationship. 3. Focus on self-care When you feel depressed, it’s essential to focus on things that make you feel better, even in small ways. Take care of your body—get enough sleep, eat well, and engage in activities that make you feel good, like journaling, listening to music, or going for a walk. Even simple things like talking to a friend or taking a relaxing bath can help you feel more grounded. 4. Talk to someone you trust It can help to talk to someone who you feel comfortable with, like a close friend or family member. Sometimes just having someone listen can make a big difference in how you process your emotions. They can remind you that this pain won’t last forever and that you have a strong support system. 5. Remind yourself of your worth Breakups can make us feel like we’re not good enough, but your worth isn’t tied to this relationship or to your ex’s actions. You deserve someone who values you, and while this situation is painful, it doesn’t diminish your value. Take this time to reconnect with yourself and focus on your own growth and happiness. 6. Allow yourself to heal Healing from a breakup takes time, and it’s not something that happens overnight. Be patient with yourself. You’ll go through a lot of ups and downs, but over time, it will get easier. There are brighter days ahead where you’ll feel stronger and more confident in yourself. Breakups are tough, but you are strong enough to get through this. Give yourself the space and time to grieve, but also remember that you deserve love, respect, and happiness. Lots of love to you Aunty Hilda xox

Hi Aunty Hilda, I have a friend who acts really nice around me and other friends but she's been saying stuff about me behind my back and she's started physically hurting me and then framing it on me. I still want to be friends with her though. What should I do?

I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. It sounds like your friend’s behaviour is causing you a lot of pain, and it’s completely understandable to feel torn. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, and it’s important to recognise when a relationship isn’t healthy. Here’s what you can do: 1. Recognise the signs of an unhealthy friendship It’s never okay for someone to physically hurt you or talk badly about you behind your back. Friends should build each other up, not tear each other down. If she's hurting you, whether physically or emotionally, that's a huge red flag that this friendship is becoming toxic. You deserve better than that, and it's important to put your well-being first. 2. Set boundaries with her If you still want to try to make things work, you could try setting clear boundaries. Let her know that you don’t tolerate being hurt, either physically or emotionally. You might say something like, “I don’t appreciate the way you’ve been treating me, and I don’t want to be hurt anymore.” If she continues to hurt you or talk badly about you, then it might be time to reconsider the friendship. 3. Talk to her openly Having a conversation with her about how you're feeling can be really important. It may be hard, but if you feel safe doing so, you could let her know how her actions have made you feel. If she’s genuinely your friend, she should be open to hearing how you feel and willing to change her behaviour. If she becomes defensive or tries to frame things on you again, that’s a sign that she might not be the kind of friend you need. 4. Look at the bigger picture It’s natural to want to keep friends, especially if you’ve shared a lot together. But it’s also important to recognise when a friendship is harming you more than it’s helping you. Sometimes, letting go of a friend who doesn’t treat you right can be the healthiest thing for you. True friends lift each other up, and if she’s not doing that, it may be time to move on. 5. Lean on other supportive friends You don’t have to go through this alone. Talk to your other friends or trusted adults who can support you and help you make decisions that are best for your well-being. Sometimes, a different perspective can really help you see things more clearly. Remember, you have the right to feel safe and respected in your friendships. If she continues to hurt you, it may be a sign that this relationship isn’t healthy, and that’s okay. You deserve friends who treat you with love and respect. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

There is this guy I like, but I don't know if he likes me - and my friend used to like him and now it's really awkward between us whenever we talk about it and I think she actually still likes him. I don't know what to do.

Thanks for this - It sounds like you’re in a tricky situation, and it’s completely understandable that you're feeling unsure. When feelings are involved and there’s a potential for awkwardness, especially with a friend, it can be difficult to know what to do. Here’s how you can navigate this: 1. Be honest with yourself Take a moment to think about why you like him and how strong your feelings are. Is it something you’re genuinely interested in, or is it more of a passing crush? It’s important to be clear with yourself about what you want, as that can help guide your next steps. 2. Respect your friend’s feelings It seems like your friend might still have feelings for him, even though she’s no longer expressing them openly. It’s important to be mindful of her feelings and how this could affect your friendship. If you feel like she might still have an attachment to him, it’s worth thinking about how pursuing something with him might impact your relationship with her. 3. Have an honest conversation with your friend If you’re close enough to this friend, it could be helpful to talk to her openly about the situation. You can gently ask how she feels about it and if she’s still interested in him. This conversation might clear the air and help both of you understand where you stand. Approach it with empathy, and make sure she knows you value her friendship. 4. Gauge his interest If you’re still unsure whether he likes you back, pay attention to his actions. Sometimes, how someone behaves can give you clues about how they feel. Does he show interest in spending time with you, initiate conversations, or seem comfortable around you? If you’re unsure, it might help to spend more time with him and see how things naturally evolve. 5. Don’t rush into anything It’s tempting to act quickly when you like someone, but take your time. Relationships, whether romantic or friendships, work best when they’re built on trust, communication, and respect. If things feel awkward with your friend, give her space and make sure everyone is on the same page before moving forward with the guy. 6. Protect your friendship Friendships are valuable, and if you truly care about this person, it might be worth prioritising the relationship with her over rushing into a situation that could lead to tension. If you think pursuing things with him could harm the friendship, it might be worth waiting or talking through it with your friend to see how you can both navigate this in a way that respects your bond. Ultimately, be kind to both your feelings and your friend's feelings. Trust your instincts, communicate openly, and give everyone the space they need to figure things out. Relationships can get complicated, but with respect, honesty, and time, you’ll figure it out. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Why is there stuff that looks like cottage cheese in my underwear?????

Great question! It sounds like you might be noticing vaginal discharge, which can sometimes have a thick, cottage cheese-like appearance. This is usually normal, as your body produces discharge to keep the vagina clean and healthy. However, there are a few things to consider: 1. Normal vaginal discharge Discharge can vary in texture, colour, and consistency throughout your menstrual cycle. It's often white or clear, and it can get thicker and more opaque around ovulation (the middle of your cycle). Cottage cheese-like discharge can sometimes be a sign of a normal change in your body’s natural processes, especially if it’s not accompanied by other symptoms. 2. Possible signs of an infection If the discharge is accompanied by other symptoms like itching, burning, an unusual smell, or irritation, it could be a sign of a yeast infection, which is fairly common. Yeast infections can cause thick, white discharge that looks like cottage cheese. 3. What to do If you’re noticing unusual symptoms or you're concerned, it might be a good idea to check in with a healthcare professional to make sure everything is okay. If it’s just a change in your usual discharge, and there are no other symptoms, it’s likely just part of your body’s normal cycle. Your body is always changing, and vaginal discharge is a completely natural thing. If you ever feel unsure about anything, talking to a doctor or nurse can help ease any concerns. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I just found out my Aunty had a miscarriage two years ago and it absolutely broke me. How do I talk to her in private about it without bringing up bad memories for her and putting her through too much pain? I want to be there for her, but no one knows that I know.

It’s really thoughtful that you want to support your aunty, and it’s understandable to feel unsure about how to approach this. Here’s how you can talk to her: 1. Choose the right time and place Find a private, quiet space where she feels comfortable and can talk freely. 2. Start with empathy Express your care for her without bringing up the topic immediately: “I’ve been thinking about you and just want you to know I’m here if you ever want to talk.” 3. Acknowledge that you know, gently If you want to mention that you know, say something like, “I found out about what happened two years ago, and I’m here if you ever want to talk about it. I understand if it’s still painful.” Let her decide if she wants to open up. 4. Let her lead the conversation Respect her pace—if she doesn’t want to talk, let her know you’re available whenever she feels ready. 5. Be supportive without pushing for details Avoid asking too many questions. Just being present and available means a lot. 6. Follow up with love Even if she doesn’t talk, continue offering support through small gestures or checking in later with messages like, “I’m here if you need me.” You’re offering her care and understanding, and that’s incredibly valuable. Trust your instincts, and know that you’re doing the right thing. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm the reason a guy broke up with his girlfriend, but I still sometimes hook up with him - what should I do?

It sounds like you're in a complicated situation, and it’s completely understandable that you’re unsure about what to do. Here’s how you can approach it: 1. Reflect on your values First, take a moment to think about what you want. Are you comfortable with your actions, or do they make you feel conflicted? If hooking up with him is making you feel uneasy or guilty, it might be a sign that this situation isn’t aligned with your values or long-term happiness. 2. Consider the impact on everyone involved Remember that this situation affects not just you and him, but also his ex (who is likely still processing the breakup). If you’re aware that your actions might have hurt her, it’s important to think about whether this is something you want to continue or if it's time to move on from this dynamic. 3. Communicate with him If you feel like this situation is confusing or unsustainable, it might be helpful to have an honest conversation with him. Talk about where you both stand, and discuss what you both want moving forward. Are you both looking for something more meaningful, or are you okay with just hooking up? Clear communication will help you make decisions that feel right for both of you. 4. Set boundaries If you decide that this situation isn’t healthy for you, it’s important to set boundaries. If you’re not comfortable continuing this, or if you want to move on, be clear about what you need. Boundaries are essential for protecting your emotional well-being and ensuring that you’re making choices that reflect what you truly want. 5. Think about what’s best for you At the end of the day, prioritising your own well-being and happiness is key. If this situation is causing you stress or emotional confusion, it may be time to step back and focus on what makes you feel good and aligned with your values. Take some time to reflect on what you really want, and make decisions based on your long-term happiness. You deserve to be in situations that make you feel empowered, not conflicted. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm 13 and I recently lost my virginity, with another 13 year old and a 15 year old. What should I tell people?

Thanks for your question :) It’s completely normal to have questions and concerns after such an experience, especially at 13. First and foremost, it’s important to understand that you’re still figuring things out, and it’s okay to feel unsure about how to handle the situation. Here are a few things to consider: 1. You don’t owe anyone an explanation You are not obligated to share personal details about your body or experiences with anyone, unless you feel comfortable doing so. Your sexual experiences are your own, and it’s up to you who you choose to talk to about them. 2. Consider how you feel about it Take some time to think about how you feel about your decision. Do you feel good about it, or do you have mixed feelings? It’s okay to reflect on the experience and talk to someone you trust, like a close friend or adult, if you need guidance or support. 3. Talking to trusted adults If you feel unsure or conflicted, talking to an adult you trust (like a parent, school counsellor, or another trusted figure) can help you process your emotions. They can provide you with the support you might need, including a space to discuss your feelings, your rights, and your personal health. 4. Focus on your emotional well-being At 13, it’s important to be aware of emotional readiness when it comes to sex. If you ever feel unsure or pressured about your decision or the situation, it’s okay to stop and rethink what feels right for you. Your feelings and emotional health matter just as much as your physical health. 5. Consider age and consent It’s also important to be aware of laws and boundaries around age and consent. Different countries and areas have legal guidelines about age and consent, and it’s important to be aware of those, so you understand your rights and boundaries clearly. In the end, take your time to think about what feels right for you. If you ever feel confused or unsure about how to navigate your feelings or experiences, there are people who can help you. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm in the junior school an I've been talking to a guy online who's in his 20's. He knows I'm young, but he wants to meet up and I think have sex. I have feelings for him, but I think he's a bit old, what should I do?

This is a really important situation, and it’s great that you’re reaching out for advice. It’s really important to prioritise your safety, emotional well-being, and boundaries in situations like this. 1. Trust your instincts If you're feeling unsure or uncomfortable, that's a sign that you should trust your feelings. A 20-something-year-old person should not be pursuing a relationship or meeting up with someone so much younger, especially if it involves sexual activity. It’s important to recognise that you are still growing and developing emotionally and physically, and relationships with much older people can create an imbalance of power and experience that can be harmful. 2. Understand consent and age differences There are laws about consent and age differences that are there to protect young people from situations that could be emotionally or physically harmful. Even if this person knows your age, it’s never okay for an adult to pressure or pursue a sexual relationship with someone who is underage. 3. Talk to a trusted adult This situation can be really confusing, but it’s important to talk to an adult you trust, like a parent, school counsellor, or another trusted person in your life. They can help you understand what’s going on, and make sure you’re safe. They can also support you in understanding the emotional and physical aspects of relationships, and what is healthy and appropriate at your age. 4. Set clear boundaries It’s okay to end the conversation with him if you feel uncomfortable, or if he continues to push for something you’re not ready for. You have every right to say no at any time, and he should respect that. If you choose to continue the conversation, keep the boundaries clear, and recognise that your safety and emotional well-being are far more important than any feelings you might have right now. 5. Reflect on your emotional readiness At 13, your emotions and experiences are still evolving. You may have feelings for him, but this could be a case of an adult trying to take advantage of your feelings. Relationships at your age should be about friendship, fun, and shared experiences, not pressure or things that make you feel uncertain. Ultimately, you deserve to feel respected, safe, and supported in all of your relationships. This person is not the right person to be engaging with, and it’s important to step away from the situation. You don’t need to feel guilty for saying no or ending the conversation. Your safety and emotional health come first. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I want to have sex but I don't want my boyfriend to see me naked. What do I do?

Thanks for this question :) It’s really important to recognise that your body and your boundaries are completely yours. You don’t have to do anything you're not comfortable with, and it's perfectly okay to have feelings of uncertainty or discomfort when it comes to intimacy, especially around things like nudity. Here are a few things to consider: 1. Understand your feelings It sounds like you're feeling conflicted about wanting to have sex but also not feeling comfortable with nudity. It’s important to explore why you feel that way. Is it about body image, vulnerability, or something else? Understanding your own feelings can help you feel more in control and confident when making decisions about intimacy. 2. Communicate with your boyfriend Having open, honest conversations with your boyfriend is key. If you feel comfortable, let him know that you’re feeling unsure about being seen naked and want to work through those feelings together. A supportive partner will respect your boundaries and help you feel safe, regardless of what you’re ready for. 3. You can take things at your own pace You don’t have to be fully naked or engage in every aspect of sex right away. There’s no rush—it’s okay to take things step by step and figure out what makes you feel comfortable. You can try things like being partially clothed or focusing on other ways to be intimate, which may help you feel more at ease. 4. Focus on emotional connection first Sex is about emotional connection and comfort as much as it is about the physical act. If you’re feeling uncomfortable with nudity, it might help to focus on building emotional intimacy first. Feeling emotionally safe with your partner can help ease any anxiety around physical intimacy. 5. It’s okay to say no or take a break If you’re feeling pressured, or if you’re not ready for this level of intimacy, it’s completely okay to say no. Being honest with yourself and your partner is crucial. It’s also okay to take a break from sexual activities until you feel more ready. Remember, you are the one who decides what happens with your body, and your comfort and consent should always come first. There’s no right or wrong way to approach sex—only what feels right for you. Don’t rush the process, and take your time to explore what makes you feel empowered and safe. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm too embarrassed to buy condoms, so I haven't been using them and I'm scared I'll get pregnant. I think school should have some available.

I can totally understand why you're feeling this way. Contraception is an important part of sexual health, and it’s completely normal to feel embarrassed about buying condoms, especially if you're not used to it or feel self-conscious. Here's what you can do: 1. Get condoms for free at Sexual Wellbeing Aotearoa You don’t have to buy them if you don’t want to. Sexual Wellbeing Aotearoa (formerly Family Planning) offers free condoms, and you can pick them up at their clinic at 7/10 George St. They also offer sexual health advice and other contraception options, so it’s a great resource for support. 2. Don’t shoulder the responsibility alone It’s important to remember that the responsibility for contraception shouldn’t fall solely on you. Your boyfriend should be just as responsible for ensuring safe sex and preventing unwanted pregnancy. Having an open conversation about contraception and mutual responsibility is key. If he cares about you, he should support your decision to use protection and be willing to help out. 3. Look for discreet ways to buy condoms If you're still feeling embarrassed about buying condoms in a store, buying them online can feel less stressful and more private. Many reputable websites offer discreet delivery, which can help take away some of the pressure of going into a store. 4. Explore other contraception options If condoms aren’t the best option for you, you can also consider other forms of contraception like the pill, IUDs, or implants. It might help to talk to a healthcare professional about what works best for you, and some methods can be prescribed by a doctor. 5. Have an honest conversation with your partner It’s really important to talk openly with your boyfriend about contraception and how you both feel about using it. Sexual health is a shared responsibility, and he should be just as involved in making sure you both stay protected. If you're not comfortable with him not using protection, it’s okay to speak up. 6. Remember that your body and your choices matter You have the right to feel empowered about your sexual health. You’re not alone—many people have similar concerns. Whatever decisions you make, your well-being and comfort are what matter most. Be sure to make choices that feel right for you and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it. If you are worried about pregnancy right now and have had sex without using protection, emergency contraception (like the morning-after pill) is available from pharmacies or a healthcare provider. It’s important to reach out for support whenever you need it. Take care of yourself, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

My Dad walked in on me while I was masturbating for the first time and we haven't spoken since. How do I "fix" things without it being weird?

Yikes! That was probably a bit awkward for you both :) 1. Let things settle naturally Sometimes, the best way to ease back into normalcy is just to let things cool off for a while. Act like things are okay between you two, but without forcing any conversation. As time passes, the awkwardness will likely fade, and things may naturally return to how they were before. 2. Small, normal interactions To show things are getting back to normal, you can keep having regular, casual conversations. It doesn’t have to be about the incident, but just talking like usual about everyday things can help break the ice. It might be a little awkward at first, but treating him like you normally would can help things feel less weird. 3. Acknowledge the situation indirectly If you ever feel the need to address it without a big conversation, you could make a small comment about privacy or personal space in a casual way. For example, when you’re both talking about something else, you could say, “I’m just glad no one else walked in when I was doing that.” It’s lighthearted and acknowledges the situation without making it heavy. 4. Let him approach it if he wants to You don’t have to bring it up yourself if it feels too awkward. If he wants to talk about it, he might bring it up in his own way later. Sometimes, just acting normal and letting him see that you’re not bothered by it can make him feel more comfortable, and he might open up in his own time. 5. Respect your own boundaries Remember, it’s okay to take your time before deciding what you’re comfortable talking about. Don’t feel like you need to “fix” things all at once—it’s okay if things take time to settle, and you don’t need to rush any conversations. The goal is to slowly ease back into a comfortable relationship with him without making things feel forced. You’ve got this—sometimes letting things naturally fall back into place is the best way to go. Best of luck! Aunty Hilda xox

I think I'm addicted to shoplifting and I do it almost every day. I don't feel good about it, but we've never had much money and family have helped us with money and education. I want to stop shoplifting, but I worry about my hygiene and personal wellbeing as I don't have many things. What should I do?

It sounds like you’re going through a tough situation, and it’s really important that you’re reaching out for help. Shoplifting can be a sign that there’s a deeper issue at play, and it's great that you recognise that it’s something you want to stop. Here’s what you can do: 1. Acknowledge your feelings without shame First of all, try not to judge yourself too harshly. It’s understandable that you’ve turned to shoplifting, especially if finances are tight and you don’t have access to the things you need or want. Acknowledging your feelings and the reasons behind your actions is the first step in making positive change. You’re not alone in feeling like this, and many people find themselves in difficult situations. 2. Understand the underlying causes You mentioned concerns about hygiene and personal well-being. It sounds like you might be trying to fill a need for self-care, confidence, or comfort by taking things. Addressing these needs in healthier ways can help reduce the urge to shoplift. Whether it’s access to things like clothing, hygiene products, or personal care, you deserve to have your needs met without resorting to stealing. 3. Reach out for support It might feel uncomfortable, but talking to a trusted adult—whether it’s a school counsellor, a family member, or someone in your community—can help you process what’s going on and find ways to get the support you need. They might be able to help you access resources, like food banks, hygiene products, or financial assistance, that can ease the pressure. 4. Find healthier coping strategies Consider ways to meet your emotional and physical needs that don’t involve stealing. Self-care is essential, and there are things you can do that don’t require much money. You could look into finding free resources or community support services that can help with hygiene, personal well-being, and even clothing. Focus on things that will boost your confidence—even small steps like journaling, exercise, or volunteering can make you feel better about yourself and reduce the urge to shoplift. 5. Set small goals and be kind to yourself Trying to stop something like shoplifting all at once can feel overwhelming, so set small, realistic goals for yourself. It might be cutting down the frequency of shoplifting at first or starting by focusing on things you need in healthier ways. Also, be kind to yourself—it’s okay to slip up as long as you continue moving forward. Progress isn’t always linear, and every step counts. 6. Consider talking to a therapist If you’re finding it hard to stop shoplifting on your own, a therapist or counsellor can help you understand the underlying emotions and triggers that drive your actions. Therapy can also provide tools to help you manage stress, build self-worth, and make better choices for your mental and emotional health. You’re not alone, and there are resources and people who can support you in breaking this cycle and addressing the root causes of your actions. Your well-being is important, and you have the power to make positive changes, no matter how difficult it may seem right now. You’ve got this, and there’s help available when you’re ready to take the next step. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm really excited for sex, but I don't have a boyfriend and I feel like I just make every situation awkward and I don't know what to do during sex...

Thanks for a great question :) It’s completely normal to feel nervous or awkward when thinking about sex—it’s a big and personal experience. The truth is, everyone feels unsure at first, and it’s okay to not have everything figured out. Here are some things to remember: 1. Awkwardness is okay Feeling awkward is totally normal, especially when you’re new to these experiences. Sex isn’t about being perfect—it’s about feeling comfortable and communicating openly with your partner. It’s okay to not have everything planned out and to take your time. 2. Focus on communication The more you talk about what feels good and what doesn’t, the more natural it will feel. Clear communication helps ease awkwardness and ensures you’re both comfortable with what’s happening. There’s no need to rush—it’s about figuring things out together. 3. Trust your pace If you feel nervous or unsure, it’s okay to take things slow. You don’t need to follow anyone else’s timeline or expectations. Focus on your comfort and enjoyment, not what you think you’re supposed to know or do. 4. You’re allowed to explore at your own pace It’s perfectly fine to feel unsure or awkward—it’s all part of learning and growing. There’s no rush to be perfect or have all the answers. What matters is feeling safe, comfortable, and in control of your experience. 5. Sex should be fun, not a performance Remember, sex isn’t about performing or living up to some ideal. It’s about mutual respect, feeling good, and exploring what works for you. Be kind to yourself, and let go of the pressure to be flawless. All in good time :) Lots of love to you, Aunty HIlda xox

Me and this guy have been texting online a lot lately and I really like him, but I'm unsure if he likes me back, although he is showing signs he does. But whenever I see him in real life it's so awkward, but I don't want to be one of those online relationships.

Hi, thanks for your great question :) It sounds like you're really excited about this connection, but feeling unsure about how things translate into real life is totally normal. Here’s how you might approach it: 1. Understand that online and real-life dynamics are different It’s common for conversations to feel more natural online, where there’s less immediate pressure. In person, it’s easy to feel awkward because you might be overthinking it. It takes time to get comfortable with someone, especially when you like them. 2. Look for signs of interest You mentioned he’s showing signs he likes you—trust those signs! If he’s engaging with you, texting often, and making time for conversation, it’s a good indication that he has feelings for you. Keep an eye on how he acts when you’re together in person—sometimes people get nervous too, which might make things feel awkward. 3. Focus on building a real-life connection If you’re worried about being just an “online relationship,” take small steps to make things feel more natural in person. Try chatting casually, even about small things, and see how it goes. Don’t put pressure on yourself to have a “perfect” in-person conversation. Sometimes, just laughing about the awkwardness can help break the ice. 4. Be patient with the process It’s okay to not have everything figured out right away. Relationships take time to build, and awkwardness is a part of getting to know someone. You don’t need to force anything or rush it. Let things develop at their own pace. 5. Communicate openly about your feelings If you’re feeling unsure, it might help to talk to him about how you’re feeling. You can share that it feels a bit awkward in person, but you really like him and want to get to know him better. Open communication can help ease the pressure and bring you closer. Remember, you don’t have to be perfect—just be yourself and let the relationship grow in a way that feels comfortable for both of you. It’s okay to feel nervous, and you’ll get more comfortable over time. This is all part of the process :) Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

When I give my boyfriend a blowjob, he lies there like a stiff, emotionless board. How do I make it better for him?

Thanks for sharing this question - It sounds like you're feeling unsure about how to make the experience more enjoyable for both of you, which is understandable. Here are a few things to keep in mind: 1. Talk about it openly The first step is always communication. It’s important to have an open conversation with your boyfriend about how both of you feel during sex. Ask him if he’s enjoying it, if there’s anything he likes or doesn’t like, and how you can both make the experience better. Sometimes, people get nervous or don’t know how to express what they want, so talking openly can help ease that. 2. Focus on his comfort If he seems stiff or emotionless, he might be feeling nervous or unsure of how to respond. Create a comfortable, relaxed environment where both of you can enjoy the experience without pressure. Focus on making sure he feels good and relaxed—sometimes, just adjusting the mood (with music, lighting, etc.) can help. 3. Engage with him emotionally and physically Sex is not just about the physical act but also the emotional connection. Show affection by making eye contact, kissing, or talking during intimate moments. This can help him feel more connected to you and may make the experience feel more engaging. 4. Encourage him to express himself Sometimes, people hold back from showing pleasure because they don’t feel comfortable expressing it. Encourage your boyfriend to tell you what feels good, or even how he wants to be touched or kissed. This can help both of you enjoy the experience more and reduce any stiffness or awkwardness. 5. Stay true to your boundaries and comfort level Remember, sex should feel good for both of you. If you're ever feeling uncomfortable or unsure about something, it’s important to stop and talk about it. Your comfort and consent are just as important as his. By communicating and staying focused on mutual pleasure and comfort, you can make your experiences more enjoyable for both of you. Best of luck, Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Today my boyfriend looked at me and called me f**cking disgusting - Is that toxic?

Thanks for sharing what's happened - Yes, that is toxic behaviour, and it’s absolutely not okay for anyone to speak to you like that—especially someone who is supposed to care about you. No one should ever call you hurtful names or make you feel disgusting. Here’s why this is toxic: Emotional abuse: Calling someone hurtful names is a form of emotional abuse. It’s a way of putting you down and making you feel bad about yourself, which is never acceptable in a relationship. Lack of respect: A healthy relationship is built on respect, kindness, and understanding. If your boyfriend is treating you like this, it’s a sign that he may not be treating you with the respect you deserve. Power and control: Sometimes, toxic people use hurtful words or actions to try and control or manipulate their partner. This kind of behaviour can erode your self-esteem and make you feel small or worthless. What to do: Trust your feelings: If something feels wrong, it usually is. Listen to your gut. You deserve to be in a relationship where you’re respected and valued for who you are. Talk about it (if you feel safe): If you feel comfortable, try having an honest conversation with him about how his words made you feel. Let him know that name-calling is not acceptable, and you deserve to be treated with respect. However, if you don’t feel safe having this conversation or feel like he’ll just dismiss your feelings, it might be best to focus on what’s healthiest for you. Set boundaries: It’s crucial to set boundaries and make it clear that this kind of behaviour isn’t acceptable. You are worthy of kindness and respect at all times. Get support: Talk to someone you trust about what happened—whether it’s a friend, family member, or therapist. They can help guide you through your feelings and offer support. So..... You deserve to be with someone who uplifts you, makes you feel good about yourself, and treats you with respect. No one should ever make you feel disgusting or put you down. If your boyfriend continues this behaviour, it may be a sign that the relationship is unhealthy, and you should consider what’s best for your well-being. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

What should I do if everytime I see my boyfriend he wants to have sex, but I don't want to how do I tell him no?

Thanks for this great question - It’s really important to know that you have every right to say no to sex, no matter the situation. Your boundaries matter, and you should feel comfortable, respected, and safe in any relationship. Here’s how you can approach telling your boyfriend no, whether or not you’ve been sexually active: 1. Be clear and firm in your response If your boyfriend wants to have sex and you don’t, it’s okay to say no clearly. You don’t need to justify or explain your decision if you don’t want to—simply saying, “I’m not ready” or “I don’t want to right now” is enough. If he cares about you, he’ll respect your feelings and your boundaries. 2. Express your feelings If you feel comfortable, you could explain why you’re not ready or don’t want to engage in sex. You might say something like, “I’m not ready for that yet, and I want to make sure I’m completely comfortable when it happens.” If you’re not sure about the relationship or whether you want to engage in sex at all, it’s okay to say that too. 3. Set your boundaries You are allowed to have boundaries in your relationship, and it’s important to be firm in enforcing them. If he keeps pushing, gently remind him that your boundaries are important and non-negotiable. No one should pressure you into something you’re not ready for or don’t want to do. 4. Pay attention to his response How he reacts when you say no is important. If he respects your feelings and backs off, that’s a good sign. However, if he gets upset, angry, or tries to convince you, that’s a red flag. In a healthy relationship, both partners respect each other’s boundaries and comfort zones. Your feelings are just as important as his. 5. Reevaluate the relationship if necessary If your boyfriend repeatedly ignores your boundaries or pressures you to have sex when you’ve said no, it’s a sign of disrespect. In that case, it might be worth reevaluating the relationship to see if it’s truly healthy for you. No one should make you feel uncomfortable, pressured, or unsafe. Ultimately, you get to decide what happens with your body, and that decision should always be respected. It’s important to communicate clearly and make sure you feel good about any decision you make. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

All my friends vape around me and try to force me to as well. How do I get out of this?

Thanks for this great question, that a lot of people have to navigate - It’s really tough when your friends are pressuring you to do something you don’t want to do, but it’s great that you’re thinking about how to handle the situation. You should never feel forced into something that doesn’t feel right for you. Here are some ways to handle this situation: 1. Be firm and confident in your decision You don’t have to give a long explanation if you don’t want to. Simply saying “no” confidently is enough. You can say something like, “I’m not into vaping, and I don’t want to try it.” It’s okay to stick to your boundaries and be clear with them. 2. Offer a simple reason (if you want to) If you feel comfortable, you can explain why you don’t want to vape. You could say something like, “I’m not interested in it,” or “I care about my health and don’t want to start.” It’s entirely your choice whether to explain or not, but having a reason can help people understand your position. 3. Change the topic or walk away If the conversation keeps coming back to vaping and it’s making you uncomfortable, you can change the subject to something else or physically remove yourself from the situation. You might say, “I don’t want to talk about this right now,” or just step away if they keep pushing. 4. Find new ways to bond If your friends are pressuring you to vape, it might be worth considering whether they respect your boundaries. Try to suggest alternative activities that you can all enjoy together without vaping. You can focus on things that bring you together, like movies, games, or hanging out in a way that feels fun and safe for you. 5. Consider your friendships If your friends continue to pressure you despite you saying no, it’s worth reflecting on whether they are truly supporting you. True friends should respect your choices, and if they continue to make you uncomfortable, it may be time to have a conversation with them about how you feel or consider spending more time with people who respect your boundaries. Remember, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for your choices, especially when it comes to something like vaping. Stand firm in your decision, and know that you have the right to protect your well-being. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

There is this one girl in my friend group who is really really rude to me and makes up rumours and tries to fight me. I have talked with others in my friend group and they agree she is rude to me and others. No one has the guts to tell her though.

Thanks for your question :) I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this—it’s tough when someone in your friend group is treating you badly, and it can be especially hard when others see it but don’t speak up. Here’s how you can handle it: 1. Talk to her directly (if you feel safe) If you feel comfortable, confronting her calmly might help. Let her know how her behaviour is affecting you. You could say something like, “I’ve noticed you’ve been rude to me and spreading rumours, and it’s really hurtful. I’d like it if we could be respectful to each other.” Keep it calm and focused on how you feel—this can sometimes help them realise their behaviour isn’t okay. 2. Set boundaries If she continues to be rude or aggressive, it’s important to set clear boundaries with her. Let her know you won’t tolerate disrespect. You can say, “I’m not going to engage in any arguments or rumours. If you continue to treat me this way, I won’t be around you.” Standing firm in your boundaries shows that you won’t accept this behaviour. 3. Seek support from the group It’s good that others in your group agree she’s rude too. Have a conversation with your friends and see if they’re willing to help address the situation together. Sometimes it’s easier to confront someone as a group, and it can show that you’re not alone. If they won’t speak up directly, at least knowing you have their support can give you strength. 4. Protect your emotional well-being If this situation continues to affect you emotionally, consider spending less time with her. Surround yourself with people who treat you well and make you feel good about yourself. You don’t have to tolerate someone being rude or toxic in your life, even if they’re part of the friend group. 5. Consider talking to an adult If her behaviour escalates or if it’s really affecting your mental health, consider talking to someone you trust, like a teacher or a school counsellor. They can help mediate the situation or give you advice on how to handle things moving forward. Ultimately, you deserve to be treated with respect, and it’s important to stand up for yourself. You don’t have to tolerate rudeness or rumours, and there’s support available if you need it. Lots of love, Aunty HIlda xox

All the girls in my year are at the age where they are starting to shave and get their period and I feel like I'm the only one who hasn't started. My Mum says I'm too young to shave and I don't want to do it behind her back. What do I do?

Thanks for a great question :) It sounds like you're feeling a bit out of sync with your peers, but it’s important to remember that everyone develops at their own pace, and there’s no “right” age to start shaving or get your period. It’s totally normal to be feeling this way, especially when everyone around you seems to be going through similar changes. Here's how you can navigate this: 1. Be patient with your body Everyone’s body develops at different speeds. Just because your friends have started shaving or gotten their period doesn’t mean you’re “behind.” You will go through these changes when your body is ready. There’s no rush—your body is doing what it needs to do at its own pace. 2. Talk to your mum about shaving It’s understandable that your mum might want to wait before you start shaving, but it could help to have an open conversation with her about how you feel. You can tell her that you’re noticing other girls are starting to shave, and that you’d like to understand her reasons for waiting. Talking it through can help both of you feel more comfortable and clear about the decision. 3. Don’t compare yourself to others It’s easy to feel like you’re the only one who hasn’t started certain things, but everyone is on their own journey. Some people start getting their period or shaving earlier, while others start later. You’re not behind—just because your friends are doing something doesn’t mean you need to rush into it. 4. Trust your instincts You know your body best, and it’s okay to make decisions when you feel ready. If you feel ready to shave or manage body hair differently, and your mum is open to having that conversation, that’s a great first step. If not, it’s okay to wait until you’re both on the same page. Remember, it’s okay to take your time with these changes. Everyone is different, and there’s no need to rush. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

Hi Aunty, is it normal to want to make the person you have feelings for jealous, (by hanging out with other people that they've shown they think I might be into and then by proxy do not like ) and posting it to your story and sort of showing that you have a life outside of them..... I feel like I'm being manipulative :(

Thanks for a great question :) it’s really great that you're reflecting on your feelings and actions—it shows that you care about being honest with yourself. Here's the thing: wanting to make someone jealous is pretty common. A lot of people feel that way when they have strong feelings for someone, especially if they're unsure of where they stand with that person. But it’s also really important to think about how your actions might affect the situation. 1. Why you might feel this way Sometimes, wanting to make someone jealous comes from a place of wanting attention, reassurance, or even wanting to see if they truly care about you. It can be easy to fall into this pattern if you're unsure about how they feel or if you're worried they’re not as interested in you as you are in them. 2. Think about the impact on both of you While posting things to your story or hanging out with other people might make you feel like you're showing you have a life outside of them, it can also create unnecessary tension or confusion. If the person sees what you’re doing and feels hurt or manipulated, it could damage the relationship or prevent things from moving forward in a healthy way. Manipulation, even unintentionally, often leads to feelings of resentment or mistrust. 3. Focus on authenticity and clear communication Instead of trying to make them jealous, consider focusing on building a healthy connection based on mutual respect. If you’re unsure about how they feel, having an open, honest conversation with them can clear things up. You don’t need to manipulate the situation to get their attention; being genuine and direct is far more powerful. 4. Your worth isn’t tied to their attention It’s important to remember that you don’t need to play games to show your value. You’re already worthy of love, respect, and attention as you are. Try to build confidence in yourself outside of how others react to you. If someone truly cares about you, they’ll show it without you needing to prove anything. 5. It’s okay to make mistakes Feeling like you’re being manipulative doesn’t make you a bad person—it just means you're figuring out how to navigate your emotions. It’s okay to learn from these moments and try to approach future situations with a little more clarity and authenticity. Ultimately, it’s better to focus on being open and authentic rather than playing games with someone’s feelings. You deserve a relationship built on trust, respect, and honest communication. All the best and lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I like reading all of the period stories and relating to people, but there are only four. Is there any way we could put more on??

What a great question! Yes, we can definitely get onto that! The period stories are on the home page in the categories under Periods. (For those of you who don't know). Keep your eyes peeled and we'll let you know when there are some new ones. Also - feel free to send in your own period story for us to share. If you think you have an experience that could be helpful to others then we would love to hear from you!! Lots of love always, Aunty Hilda xox

A couple of my friends have started hanging out together more than they used to and leaving me and my other friend out. One of my friends who is ignoring us is also starting to become very two faced. What should me and my other friend who are being singled out do?

Thanks for your question - I’m really sorry you’re feeling left out. Here’s what you could maybe do: 1. Talk to the friends involved If you feel comfortable, try talking to the friend who’s been ignoring you. Let them know how it makes you feel. Be honest but calm, focusing on your feelings rather than accusing them. 2. Support each other Stay close to your other friend who’s also being left out. You’re in this together, so support each other through the situation. 3. Focus on yourself If things don’t improve, use the time to focus on other activities or friendships that make you feel good. Sometimes stepping back can help you see things clearly. 4. Reevaluate the friendship If someone’s being two-faced, it’s okay to reconsider the friendship. You deserve to be treated with respect, and it’s okay to let go of relationships that don’t feel healthy. 5. Give it time Friendship dynamics can shift, and it’s okay to take some time to process everything. Sometimes things work themselves out, or you might realise it's time to move on. You deserve friends who treat you kindly, and it's important to prioritise your own well-being. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

What is high functioning depression?

Thank you for this important question - High-functioning depression is a term often used to describe people who experience the symptoms of depression but are still able to maintain their daily responsibilities and appear outwardly “fine.” It can be hard for others to spot, because the person may be going through the motions of life—like going to work, school, or socialising—while silently struggling with their mental health. Key signs of high-functioning depression include: Persistent low mood: Feeling sad, empty, or hopeless, but still managing to carry on with daily tasks. Fatigue or low energy: Even though they’re able to function, they might feel physically and mentally drained. Loss of interest or pleasure: Things that once brought joy may no longer feel satisfying, but the person continues with their routine anyway. Negative thoughts: Constant self-criticism, feelings of worthlessness, or believing that nothing will improve. Difficulty concentrating: Struggling to focus on tasks, but still managing to complete them. Sleep and appetite changes: This can include sleeping too much or too little, or changes in eating habits. Why it can be difficult: Invisible symptoms: Because someone with high-functioning depression is able to keep up with their obligations, their struggles are often overlooked, and they may feel isolated in their experience. Stigma: There's sometimes the assumption that if someone is still managing to function, they’re not really struggling, leading to a lack of support or understanding. It’s important to know that high-functioning depression is still depression, and it can have a significant impact on someone's life. If you or someone you know is experiencing this, seeking professional support can be helpful, even if things appear to be "normal" on the surface. Talking to someone who you can trust, who can help, might be a great next step. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

There's a girl in my year who is ALWAYS happy, but I think she's masking her real feelings to protect herself. I've seen her around her parents and she's immediately defensive, pusht and making hurt faces they don't see. I've seen her crying while her Mum yelled at her. I'm not sure what to do, but I want to know if she's ok or if her parents are being mean. I've seen her parent yell at her multiple times and I don't want to be a bystander if she's not ok. I don't know how to help her....

Thank you for your question - It’s clear you really care about your friend, and it’s great that you want to help. Here’s how you can support her: 1. Offer a listening ear Let her know you’re there for her. You could say something like, “I’ve noticed you seem upset sometimes, and I’m here if you ever want to talk.” It’s important to make her feel safe without pressuring her. 2. Be non-judgemental Create a space where she can talk without fear of judgment. Let her share at her own pace, and don’t push her to open up. 3. Ask if she’s okay If it feels right, gently ask, “I’ve noticed you seem upset when you're with your parents—are you okay?” This gives her the chance to share if she wants to. 4. Encourage seeking help If things seem serious, encourage her to talk to a school counsellor or another trusted adult. It’s important she gets the support she needs. 5. Understand your limits You can’t fix everything on your own. If her safety is at risk, consider talking to the school counsellor to make sure she gets help. Your support means a lot, even if she’s not ready to talk right now. Just being there can make a big difference. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

There's someone in my year who's mean and nice at the same time. Perfect grades, laughing all the time and all the teachers love her. But when it's just me, she's mean and rude. She makes up rumours about me and makes me feel bad and now all my friends are questioning me and asking if I'm actually doing this. One of my friends is sticking up for me and believes me, but this girl has told teachers and now I'm the bad guy because her story sounds true. She comes off like the victim and it's not true and now the teachers don't believe me and I'm getting into trouble. I can't tell my parents and I can't let this keep happening.

Thanks for reaching out with your question - I’m really sorry you're going through this—it sounds like you're in a really tough and unfair situation. No one should make you feel bad or twist things around to make you the bad guy. Here’s what you can do to try and get through this: 1. Stay calm and stick to your truth It’s really frustrating when someone manipulates others or spreads rumours about you, but the most important thing is to stay true to yourself. Don’t get caught up in trying to “prove” that she’s wrong in an angry or defensive way, because that could be used against you. Keep calm and remind yourself that her behaviour isn’t about you—it’s about her trying to manipulate the situation. 2. Document everything Since she’s made up rumours and things are being twisted, it’s a good idea to keep a record of what’s happening. Write down any interactions with her that make you feel uncomfortable or any specific incidents where she’s said something untrue about you. This could help if things escalate. 3. Talk to a trusted teacher or school counsellor Since the teachers are involved but don’t believe your side of the story, try talking to a school counsellor or a teacher you feel comfortable with. Let them know what’s happening from your perspective. You can explain that she’s been rude and spreading false rumours, and you can bring up any examples that show her behaviour is inconsistent with what she’s telling people. Ask for their support in looking at the situation fairly. 4. Lean on your friend who believes you It’s really helpful that one of your friends is standing up for you. Stay close to her, and keep supporting each other. Having someone who believes you can make a huge difference, and it’s important to stick together so you don’t feel isolated. 5. Set boundaries with her If you’re still in situations where it’s just you and her, try to set boundaries with her. Let her know that you won’t engage in any more of her lies or behaviour that makes you uncomfortable. You can say something like, “I don’t want to talk to you like this, and I don’t appreciate what you’ve been saying about me.” It’s hard, but being firm in your boundaries can help stop the behaviour. 6. Consider your options for telling your parents I know you mentioned you can’t tell your parents right now, but they might be able to help. Even though it’s tough, your parents can be a really strong support system. If you ever feel ready, they can help you approach the school and make sure you’re treated fairly. Remember, you’re not the bad guy here. It’s really unfair when someone manipulates the truth, but your integrity will shine through. Focus on staying calm, gathering evidence, and reaching out for support. You don’t have to face this alone, and it will get better. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

How do I know if I’m ready for a sexual relationship, and how do I make sure I’m doing it for the right reasons, not just because of pressure or expectations?

Thanks for such a great question - This is such an important question to ask yourself. Sexual readiness is deeply personal, and it’s important to be honest with yourself about your feelings, desires, and boundaries. Here’s how you can think about it: 1. Know your own feelings First, it’s important to ask yourself: How do I feel about sex? Are you doing it because you genuinely want to, or because you feel pressured by others, like your partner, friends, or society? Sexuality should always be about what feels right for you—not for anyone else. If you're not sure, that's okay too. Give yourself time to explore your feelings and take things at your own pace. 2. Respect your boundaries Before entering into a sexual relationship, think about your personal boundaries. What are you comfortable with? What would make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe? It’s important that you feel confident in your boundaries and that they are respected by your partner. You should never feel forced or rushed into anything. 3. Communicate openly A healthy sexual relationship involves open communication, not just with yourself, but with your partner too. Do you feel comfortable discussing what you want, need, and don’t want? Communication is key in understanding each other’s feelings, desires, and expectations, and it helps prevent miscommunication or feeling pressured. 4. Consider your emotional and physical readiness Being ready isn’t just about being emotionally prepared; it’s also about being physically and mentally ready. Ask yourself: Am I emotionally stable enough to handle the possible changes in the relationship? Are you prepared for the possibility of different emotions, like vulnerability, connection, or even disappointment? 5. Examine your motivations Take a moment to think about why you’re considering sex. Are you doing it because it’s something you truly want, or because you feel you should? Pressures from media, peers, or even a partner can make it difficult to distinguish your own desires from what’s expected of you. It’s okay to wait until it feels completely right for you. 6. Consent is key Sex should always be consensual. You should never feel like you’re doing something because you’re afraid of disappointing someone or out of fear of losing a relationship. Make sure you feel confident and comfortable with your choice, and that your partner respects your decision, no matter what it is. 7. It’s okay to not be ready It’s really important to know that it’s completely okay to not be ready, even if everyone around you seems to be. Your readiness isn’t defined by what others are doing. Everyone moves at their own pace, and your feelings are what matter most. Being sure you’re doing it for the right reasons—because it’s something you genuinely want—helps ensure that you feel comfortable, respected, and empowered in the experience. Take your time, and trust that you’ll know when you’re truly ready. Your body, your choice, your pace. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I feel like none of my 'friends' like me in the lunchroom. They don't talk to me and they always make fun of me in a jokey way. What should I do, because I'm scared to leave them and have no friends.

Thank you for your question - I’m really sorry to hear this. That’s such a hard place to be — sitting with people who are supposed to be your friends, but feeling invisible or picked on - That’s not friendship and it hurts. Jokey teasing that makes you feel small isn't harmless. If you're left out, ignored, or made fun of, even with smiles or laughs around it, that’s not kindness. Real friends don’t make you feel like you have to earn your place at the table. So what can you do? 1. Trust your gut. You already know something isn’t right — and that’s important. When your body and brain are telling you, “this doesn’t feel safe or kind,” that’s real wisdom. 2. You don’t have to leave all at once — but you can start stepping back. You could try sitting with someone else for a day or two — even just during a different subject or break. Look for someone who smiles at you, includes you in class, or seems open to a chat. You don’t have to instantly find a new best friend — just try being near people who feel lighter to be around. 3. If you feel brave enough, you could say something simple to your group like: “Hey, I know it’s meant to be joking, but sometimes the way you talk to me doesn’t feel great.” You don’t have to argue or prove anything. If they laugh it off or ignore you, that says more about them than you. 4. You won’t be alone forever. It’s scary to imagine walking away from a group — even a group that hurts — because the idea of being alone feels worse. But being around people who make you feel unworthy is actually lonelier than taking space and finding even one genuine connection elsewhere. You don’t need a huge group. You need kindness. You don’t need to be liked by everyone. You need to feel safe with someone. Start small. Trust yourself. You deserve better — and better is out there. 💙 Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I used to like this guy for a few months last year, then we stopped talking. That was about 7 months ago, and I haven't liked anyone else as much as I try. How do I fix this?

Thanks for a great question - That feeling is so real — when someone gets under your skin and just stays there, even when it’s been ages and you’re trying your best to move on. It can feel frustrating, confusing, and even a bit embarrassing when your heart hasn’t caught up with your brain. But this is something so many people go through — and it doesn’t mean you’re stuck or doing it wrong. So why does this happen? Because feelings don’t work like switches. You can stop talking to someone, unfollow them, even tell yourself it’s over — but your emotions don’t always listen right away. When someone made you feel seen, excited, hopeful, or just something, your brain can replay that connection for a long time, even if nothing's happening now. Here’s how you can start to move forward: 1. Let yourself feel it, without forcing a fix. You don’t have to try to like someone else. Sometimes we do that because we want to “replace” the person or feel like we’re moving on — but it rarely works that way. Give yourself permission to just not like anyone right now. 2. Get curious, not critical. Instead of asking “Why can’t I get over him?”, try: “What was it about him that I really liked?” “What did I hope that connection would give me?” That tells you more about you — and what you value — not just about him. 3. Shift your energy, not your feelings. You might not be able to control who you like or when it fades, but you can decide where you put your focus. Pour into the things that make you feel confident, excited, and yourself — friendships, creative stuff, goals, fun distractions. You’re not waiting for a new crush to fix it — you’re filling your life with things that already make it better. 4. Be gentle with yourself. Missing someone, even someone you haven’t talked to in a long time means you cared. That’s a good thing. That shows heart. Time will help. And in the meantime - You don’t have to rush your feelings. They’ll shift when they’re ready. And one day — probably when you’re not even looking — someone will come along who makes you think, “Oh. This is what I was waiting for.” You’re doing just fine. 💙 LOts of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm scared to have sex for the first time because it might hurt. How do I make it not hurt?

Thanks for such a great and important question — and I’m really glad you asked it. So many people feel scared or unsure about their first time. So let’s talk about it. First things first: It’s completely normal to feel nervous, especially when there’s so much pressure or mystery around what sex is "supposed" to be like. You are not alone in feeling this way. And no — it doesn’t have to hurt. The idea that “the first time is always painful” is more myth than truth. If there is pain, it’s usually because your body isn’t fully ready — not because something is wrong with you. Here's what actually helps: 1. Only do it when you feel ready — not when someone else wants to. Feeling unsure, pressured, or rushed makes your body tense up — and tension makes things uncomfortable. The best way to avoid pain is to be emotionally and physically relaxed. That only happens when it’s your choice, on your terms. 2. Talk about it with your partner. If you can’t talk openly with them — about nerves, protection, or what feels okay — it’s probably not the right time. You deserve someone who listens, checks in, and cares about your comfort. You can say: “This is new for me, so I might need to go slowly and stop if anything doesn’t feel right. Are you okay with that?” If they aren’t — that’s your sign to walk away. 3. Foreplay matters. A lot. Touching, kissing, and just feeling close before anything else helps your body warm up and relax. Rushing into penetration too fast is one of the biggest reasons people feel pain. 4. Use lube. Always. Even if you’re “turned on,” your body might still need a little help — especially when you’re nervous. Lube makes everything smoother, safer, and way more comfortable. 5. Go slow. There’s no finish line. You can stop, laugh, pause, or change your mind at any point. Start with what feels okay — and go at your own pace. Final thing: You’re not doing this to perform. You’re doing it to connect — with yourself and someone you trust. And if that connection isn’t there, it’s completely okay to wait. You’ve got time. You’ve got the right to say yes, no, or not yet. And when the moment’s right — you’ll know. 💙 Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

My friend keeps taking stupid photos of me without my consent. It bothers me but I don't know how to tell her.

Thanks for a great question - It’s totally fair that this bothers you. Even if your friend thinks it’s funny, taking photos of someone without their permission isn’t cool. It’s about consent — and even between friends, that really matters! You don’t have to make a big scene, but you can say something simple like, “Hey, I don’t like it when you take photos of me without asking.” If they’re a real friend, they’ll respect that. If they brush you off or keep doing it, it’s okay to feel annoyed or even take a bit of space. You deserve to feel comfortable around your friends, not on edge that someone’s going to snap a photo you didn’t agree to. best of luck with this, Aunty Hilda xox

My three friends are leaving me out of nearly everything - like they barely talk to me and they don't want to sit at the same table as me. What should I do?

Thank you for asking this question - you are not alone with this experience. That feeling of being left out by your friends really hurts — especially when it’s people who used to be close. I want you to know straight away: you’re not imagining it, and you’re not being too sensitive. Being excluded is painful, and it’s okay to feel upset. If you feel up to it, you could ask one of them what’s going on. Something simple like: “Hey, I’ve noticed I’m being left out a bit lately — is everything okay?” Sometimes people don’t realise how they’re making others feel. But if they keep treating you like this, it’s okay to step back. You don’t need to keep showing up for people who make you feel invisible. Start spending time with those who make you feel included, even if it’s just one person at first. This doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong — sometimes people just grow in different directions. But you deserve friendships where you feel safe, seen, and valued. Take care, love Aunty Hilda xox

Dear Aunty, why did you only give advice to the straight person seeking blow job advice, but not the lesbian person who wanted to know about intercourse positions? That doesn't feel right Aunty.

Thank you for this -I really appreciate you taking the time to point this out. You’re absolutely right to expect fairness and equal care in the way advice is given, no matter someone’s sexuality. In both responses, my intention was to support each person in doing what feels right for them, without pressure, shame, or needing to perform for anyone else. I wanted to centre comfort, consent, and choice — whether the question was about giving oral sex or navigating queer intimacy. That said, I hear you — the person asking about lesbian sex positions should have received just as much detail and support, including trusted resources for learning more. It’s really important to me that every young person feels equally seen and respected, and I’ll make sure that’s reflected in future responses. Everyone deserves guidance that’s relevant, inclusive, and affirming of who they are. Thank you again — calling this out was kind and brave. You’ve helped me do better. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda 🌈💙 xox

Is it true that sneezing is like 1/10th of an orgasm?

Great question - it’s one of those weird facts that gets passed around a lot, but here’s the truth: Sneezing isn’t actually anything like an orgasm in terms of how it works in your body — but people say it because both involve a sudden release of built-up tension, and they can make your body react in a strong, involuntary way (like your eyes closing or your muscles tensing). But that’s where the similarity ends. Orgasm involves a whole lot of complex nerve endings, hormones, emotional context, and physical build-up that sneezing just doesn’t. So nope, not scientifically true — but kind of a funny way people try to describe what sneezing feels like when it’s really satisfying! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I have some things I really want to talk to the counsellor about, but I'm scared she'll judge me for them. What do counsellors actually think when they hear 'bad' stuff?

That’s such a brave question to ask — and you're definitely not the only one who feels that way. Here’s the honest truth: counsellors don’t judge you for the hard stuff. In fact, the things you might think are “bad” are often the exact things counsellors expect to hear — because life is messy, and people struggle with all kinds of thoughts, choices, and experiences. A good counsellor’s job isn’t to sit there and decide if you’re “good” or “bad” — it’s to listen, help you understand what’s going on for you, and support you in working through it safely and honestly. They're trained to hold space for all sorts of things: shame, fear, anger, confusion, secrets, mistakes — all of it. Importantly, you’re not your worst thought or your hardest experience..... If you’re worried, you could even start by saying: "I’ve got something I want to talk about, but I’m really scared you’ll think badly of me." That gives the counsellor a chance to gently show you that you're safe with them. What you're carrying matters. And you don’t have to carry it alone. 💙 Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Why does it seem like everything is about having a boyfriend and being with a boy? It seems like all my friends are just trying to be someone they're not to impress guys who don't care about them anyway and only want one thing. How am I supposed to be me while everyone around me expects me to be someone else?

This is such a powerful and important question — and you’re absolutely not alone in asking it. The truth is, you’re noticing something real - a lot of the world does send the message that girls should care most about getting attention from boys. Movies, music, social media, even some adults — they can all make it feel like your worth depends on being liked, desired, or chosen. That’s exhausting, especially when it makes your friends act like versions of themselves that don’t feel true. But...! You don’t have to shrink yourself or shape-shift to fit in. You being you — thoughtful, questioning and real, is already enough and very powerful. The pressure to impress boys or be in a relationship isn’t coming from inside you — it’s something you’ve been taught to feel. And you’re already doing something incredible by noticing it, questioning it, and choosing to resist it. That takes guts. If your friends are getting caught up in the performance of it all — chasing guys who don’t treat them well, changing themselves to feel liked — it might not be because they really want that life. Sometimes people follow the script they think they should want because they’re scared of being left out or seen as different. But deep down? A lot of them are just as confused or unsure as you are. So how do you stay true to yourself? Trust your instincts. If something feels fake or off, it probably is. You’re allowed to step away from it. Find people who see the real you. Even if it’s just one or two people — look for the ones who laugh with you, not at you, who ask deep questions, and who don’t make you feel like you have to perform. Keep naming the pressure. Talking about this stuff — even journaling or chatting with someone you trust — helps make it feel less heavy and more clear. Know this: it’s not weird to want something different. Wanting to be free to be yourself — not someone else's idea of who you should be — is one of the strongest, wisest things you can want. You're not the problem here. The problem is the pressure — and you’re already rising above it. 💙 Best of luck! Love Aunty Hilda xox

If I have been sexually assaulted and I go to one of the school counsellors about it, do they immediately have to report it back to my parents or would they be able to help me figure out a plan over a week or so to be able to tell them myself?

Thank you for this really important question - I'm so sorry that you are experiencing this, but it's great that you are thinking about what to do next. Counsellors are trained to help you confidentially, to listen, support you and help you find tools for managing. They are not allowed to tell anyone, unless the person is in immediate danger. So if a persons life is at risk, or if the person who sexually assaulted you lives with you, for example, then the counsellor does have to tell someone, in order to help keep you safe. If your situation isn’t considered an immediate danger, the counsellor will work with you to figure out a plan. This could include giving you time and space to decide when and how to tell your parents. They can help you explore the best way to approach this difficult conversation, or even offer to help you talk to your parents or another trusted adult if you feel ready. It’s important to know that you have control over your next steps. If you’re not ready to talk to your parents, the counsellor can support you in exploring what feels safe and manageable for you, including helping you figure out when and how to have that conversation - or other ways that you would like support. This is your journey and your story and no one should take any control away from you. Take care and reach out when you feel ready. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

It seems that so many of my friends are having sexual relationships - but I am just not interested at all. I have crushes and I had a boyfriend for a while, but I'm just not interested in that stuff...... is that normal???

Thank you for asking this really great question! - YES! it’s completely normal! Everyone experiences attraction and relationships in their own way and on their own timeline. There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to feel about relationships or sex. Everyone’s journey is different: Some people feel ready for relationships or sexual experiences early on, while others take their time or feel no interest at all. Just because your friends are getting involved in sexual relationships doesn’t mean you have to follow the same path. Your feelings are valid no matter where you are in your personal journey. Your feelings are unique to you: You might enjoy having crushes, but not feel ready or interested in a romantic relationship, and that’s perfectly fine. There’s no rush to be interested in something just because others are. What matters most is how you feel. You’re allowed to take your time: It’s okay to not be interested in dating or sex right now. There’s no pressure to be in a relationship, and it’s important to make choices that feel right for you. You can have a fulfilling, happy life without feeling the need to be involved in sexual relationships. Talk about it: If you feel unsure or confused, it might help to talk to someone you trust—whether it’s a parent, a close friend, or a counsellor. Sometimes sharing how you’re feeling with someone else can help clarify your thoughts and remind you that it’s okay to be exactly where you are. There's no rush to be anything other than you and what feels right for you - Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I have had a problem lately where I pull out my hair. I've tried fidget toys and stuff, but nothing's working. What can I do?

Hi, thanks for your question - I’m really sorry you’re going through this, but you’re not alone, and it’s great that you’re reaching out. Hair-pulling, known as trichotillomania, can be tough, but there are ways to manage it. Talk to someone you trust: Whether it's a parent, counselor, or therapist, sharing what you're going through can make a big difference. Find healthy distractions: Fidget toys are great, but also try things like knitting, doodling, or learning a new hobby to keep your hands busy. Create a self-care routine: If stress or anxiety triggers the pulling, try activities like walking, journaling, or deep breathing to relax. Use physical barriers: Wearing a headband or tying your hair up can act as a reminder and reduce the urge to pull. Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself. check out www.selfcompassion.org for some awesome resources. Consider professional help: A counsellor can help you work through emotional triggers and offer strategies to stop pulling. You're never alone, there's always someone who can help. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

My Mum keeps trying to push me into doing her diet with her and I really don't want to. I've told her no on multiple occasions, but she either gets mad at me or brushes it off and then keeps bringing it up. How do i tell her "no" without her getting mad at me?

Thank you for a really great question - It sounds really tough, and I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s your body, your choice, and you absolutely have the right to say no to anything that doesn’t feel right for you—whether it’s your mum’s diet or anything else.! Here’s how you could approach it, from a place of self-respect and clear boundaries: 1. Stand firm in your “no” You’ve already told her no multiple times, which is great. Reaffirming your decision is important. You could say, “I understand you want us to do this together, but I’m not comfortable with it, and I don’t want to keep talking about it.” It’s important that you stick to your boundaries, even if she gets upset. Your body is yours to take care of, and that includes choosing what goes in it. 2. Express your feelings clearly If you feel safe doing so, explain why it’s bothering you. You could say, “I feel pressured when you keep bringing this up, and I don’t want to focus on dieting right now. I want to feel comfortable in my body without feeling like I have to follow a specific diet.” This helps her understand that it’s not just about rejecting her idea, but about protecting your own sense of self and well-being. 3. Acknowledge her perspective, but stay true to yourself It’s possible that your mum might be pushing her diet on you because she thinks it will help, but you can acknowledge her concern without agreeing to follow it. You could say, “I know you want me to be healthy, and I appreciate that, but I’m choosing to take care of my body in my own way.” This shows respect for her perspective while clearly asserting your boundaries. 4. Know that it’s okay for her to be upset You can’t control how she reacts, and it’s natural for people to feel frustrated when their expectations aren’t met. But it’s okay for her to be upset, and it’s important for you to maintain your own well-being by sticking to your boundaries. She might need time to process, but your body is yours to decide what happens to it. 5. Talk to someone you trust if it gets difficult If you’re finding it hard to navigate, talking to a trusted adult or even a therapist can help you better understand how to handle these situations. You deserve to have a voice when it comes to decisions about your body, and finding support can help you feel more confident in asserting yourself. It’s important to remember that your value isn’t tied to your body or appearance, and you don’t have to participate in anything that makes you uncomfortable. You deserve to be heard and respected, especially when it comes to decisions about your body.

I struggled a lot last year with friendships and insecurities and it has carried on this year as well. I want to be more positive and I want to be a better person and stop being so insecure and negative about myself. But i don't know how... Got any advice for self hate and being a better person??

Thanks for reaching out with this great question - I’m really sorry you’ve been feeling this way—it sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot, and I can imagine how overwhelming it must be. Wanting to be more positive and overcome insecurities is a big goal, and you’re already doing so much by recognising how you feel and wanting to make a change. Here’s how you can start: 1. Start with self-compassion You mentioned wanting to be a better person, and that’s really admirable. But being kind to yourself is the first step. You don’t need to be perfect. When those feelings of self-hate pop up, try saying something like, “It’s okay to feel like this right now, but I am allowed to grow and change.” Every time you catch a negative thought, turn it around gently. You deserve kindness, especially from yourself. Check out www.selfcompassion.org for some amazing resources and guided meditations. 2. Challenge the negative self-talk When you feel insecure or think “I’m not good enough,” challenge that thought. Ask yourself if that’s truly true. Maybe think of moments when you’ve been kind, smart, or strong—there’s plenty of proof you’re so much more than those negative feelings. Reframing those thoughts can take time, but it’s the foundation of learning to be kinder to yourself. 3. Focus on small positive actions Instead of focusing on big changes, set small goals you can feel good about. Maybe it’s simply saying something positive about yourself each day, like “I’m proud of how I handled that situation today.” Little wins can build your confidence and help you feel more positive about yourself. 4. Surround yourself with support It’s tough to feel positive when the people around you aren’t encouraging. Try to spend time with friends or family who make you feel seen and appreciated. It might also help to distance yourself from situations or people who make you feel insecure. You deserve to be surrounded by people who lift you up. 5. Talk to someone you trust Sometimes, talking to someone about how you're feeling—whether it’s a friend, counsellor, or someone you trust—can really help. You don’t have to carry this on your own. Just expressing what you’re going through can lighten the emotional load. 6. Remember that growth takes time It’s okay if you’re not feeling completely positive right away. Personal growth is a journey, and everyone has setbacks. What matters is that you're acknowledging the need for change, and you're taking small steps to get there. Be patient with yourself—you’re allowed to take your time. You’re worthy of love, acceptance, and feeling good about yourself. You don’t have to be perfect to be enough, and it’s okay to take this one step at a time. Lots of love to you! Aunty Hilda xox

Nothing really hits like realising you're an actually "mean" person. Why am I so mean to people I don't want to be mean to?

Thanks for this really great question - I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way—it’s tough, but recognising that you don’t like how you're acting is a really powerful first step. Everyone has moments where they act in ways they’re not proud of, but the fact that you care about changing is key. 1. Stress and frustration can affect behaviour If you’re feeling stressed or overwhelmed, it can make you snap at people, even if you don’t mean to. It’s not about the person you’re being mean to but what you're dealing with inside. Acknowledging these feelings can help you find ways to cope better. 2. Unresolved emotions might come out If you’ve been holding onto anger or negative feelings, they might show up in your behaviour. You’re still learning how to manage your emotions, and it’s okay to make mistakes as you grow. 3. You’re still growing Being mean sometimes doesn’t make you a mean person; it makes you human. What matters is that you want to improve, and that’s something you can definitely work on. 4. Be kinder to yourself Sometimes, we’re mean to others when we’re also hard on ourselves. Being kind to yourself can help you be kinder to others, too. 5. Reflect on your actions When you realise you've been mean, take a moment to think about why you acted that way. Understanding your triggers can help you avoid repeating the behaviour. Apologising to the person you’ve hurt also helps to mend things. 6. Talk to someone you trust If you’re unsure why you’re acting this way, talking to a friend, family member, or counsellor might help. They can offer support or insight into what’s going on. Remember, kindness starts with being kind to yourself. You’ve taken the first step by recognising this, and you can absolutely work towards becoming the person you want to be. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm addicted to vaping what do I do?

Thank you for asking this important question. I’m really sorry you're feeling this way—it’s tough to be in a situation where you’re feeling trapped by something like vaping. The good news is, you’re not alone, and it’s possible to take steps toward quitting. Here are some things you can do: 1. Acknowledge it’s okay to need help The fact that you’re reaching out means you want to make a change, and that’s a huge step. Addiction is hard, and it’s okay to not be able to quit on your own right away. Being honest with yourself about it is really important. 2. Talk to a trusted adult It might feel hard, but talking to someone you trust about it is really important. This could be a parent, a school counsellor, or a health professional. They can help you make a plan and find the support you need to quit. There are also professionals who specialise in helping with addiction, and they can give you tools to manage cravings and guide you through the process. 3. Set small, achievable goals Instead of focusing on quitting all at once, set smaller goals. For example, try cutting back by limiting the number of times you vape each day, or set a target to go one day without it. Gradual changes can help your body adjust and make quitting feel more manageable. 4. Find healthier distractions A big part of addiction is using the habit as a way to cope with stress or boredom. Try to find something else to do when you feel the urge to vape—whether it’s something active, like going for a walk, or something creative, like drawing or writing. Keeping your hands and mind busy can help distract you from the cravings. there are also places online you can go for help - Quitline NZ- www.quit.org.nz or you can text them on 4006. www.smokefree.org.nz www.vapingfacts.health.nz Good on you for reaching out - you've got this! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Is it normal to have discharge and is it normal for it to be different at different times?

That's such a great question, and one that people sometimes worry about - it’s totally normal to have discharge, and it can actually be a good sign that your body is working the way it should! Discharge is a natural part of your body’s process, and it helps keep the vagina clean and healthy by flushing out dead cells and bacteria. Here’s why discharge changes at different times: Throughout your menstrual cycle: Discharge can vary depending on where you are in your cycle. Around ovulation (the middle of your cycle), you might notice more discharge that is clear, stretchy, and a bit like egg whites. This is normal and helps sperm travel more easily if you were to get pregnant. Before and after your period: Right before your period, you might notice a little more discharge, and after your period, it can be thicker or more sticky. This is all part of the natural changes in your hormones. In response to different things: Stress, exercise, or changes in diet can also affect how much discharge you have. So, yes, it’s completely normal for it to be different at different times of the month. If the discharge has an unusual smell, colour (like green or yellow), or is accompanied by itching or irritation, it’s worth talking to a Dr just to make sure everything’s okay. But in general, discharge is a normal and healthy part of your body :) Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I've started puberty and my breasts are really sore and I feel like there's something wrong with me. They feel hard and one is bigger than the other.

Thank you for asking such a great question :) First of all, I want you to know that everything you're feeling is completely normal, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. Puberty is a big change for your body, and it can bring up a lot of new feelings and experiences, but you’re not alone in this! Here’s what’s going on: Breast development: As you go through puberty, your breasts will develop at different rates. It’s common for one breast to be a little bigger than the other, and this can change as time goes on. Sometimes, this imbalance lasts for a while, but it usually evens out over time. Soreness: It’s also normal for your breasts to feel sore or tender as they grow. Your body is adjusting, and the tissue is changing to form the shape of your adult breasts. This soreness can come and go, and it should get better as your body settles into these changes. Hardness: Sometimes, as your breasts develop, you might notice lumps or bumps that feel hard or uneven. These are often just part of the development process, but if you're feeling concerned or if they don’t go away after a while, it’s always good to ask a trusted adult, like a parent, to help you check in with a doctor or a nurse. Sometimes it can help to wear a supportive bra, which helps protect your breasts and can help with pain and tenderness. Talk to an adult or someone older who can reassure you - it sounds like your body is doing exactly what it should be doing!! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm going to my first party this weekend and I'm really nervous. My friends are planning to drink a lot and get with boys. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.

Thanks for a great question - going to your first party can feel like a really big deal and it's awesome you are thinking about how to manage it. 1. Trust your own feelings You don’t have to do anything that doesn’t feel right for you. Just because your friends are planning to drink or get with boys doesn’t mean you have to follow along. Your body, your rules! It’s okay to decide what you’re comfortable with, whether it’s not drinking or not getting involved with anything you’re not ready for. 2. Set boundaries Before you go, think about your boundaries. What are you okay with, and what are you not comfortable with? It’s a good idea to have a clear understanding of what feels right for you. If your friends start pushing you to do something you’re not ready for, it’s totally okay to say “no” or step away from the situation. You can always use phrases like, “I’m just not in the mood for that” or “I’m good with these drinks, thanks.” 3. Stick with your friends It’s easy to feel pressure when you’re at a party, but you’re not alone. Stay close to friends who respect your choices and support you. If you feel uncomfortable or want to leave, you can always find someone to go with you. Having a buddy system can make things feel a lot safer and more fun. 4. Don’t feel pressured to drink If your friends are planning to drink a lot, it’s okay to opt out. You can still have fun without alcohol. You could bring your own non alcoholic drinks so you don’t feel like you're standing out. And if someone offers you a drink you don’t want, it’s totally fine to say, “I’m good, thanks.” 5. Trust your instincts If something doesn’t feel right at the party—whether it’s the vibe, a conversation, or a situation—you don’t have to stick around. Listen to your gut, and if you feel uncomfortable, don’t be afraid to leave or take a break. You’re in control of your night, and you should feel safe and respected. Having your parents on board with picking you up when you text them is a really good idea - and don't worry about leaving early - whatever you think, no one cares! (or minds) 6. Have fun, but stay safe Parties can be a lot of fun! Enjoy hanging out with your friends. and focus on having fun in a way that feels true to you, without feeling pressured to do anything you’re not ready for. Your experience will be much more enjoyable when you’re confident in the choices you’re making. Have fun! You're in charge of your decisions and your body. No one else. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I have a boyfriend and I would never want to break up with him, but I really want to see what it would be like with a girl. I can't stop thinking about him as a girl when we are together. I don't know what to do.

Thanks for a really great question - It sounds like you're feeling a bit conflicted, and that's completely normal when you're starting to explore your feelings and desires. it’s totally okay to have different thoughts and feelings about your sexuality, and it doesn’t mean you have to make an immediate decision. What matters is understanding your own feelings and being honest with yourself and your partner. 1. Understand that your feelings are valid It’s okay to feel curious about what it might be like to be with someone of a different gender, even if you’re in a relationship with someone you care about. Sexuality can be fluid, and it’s natural for people to question their feelings and desires. Having these thoughts doesn’t mean you don’t love your boyfriend or want to break up with him—it just means you’re exploring your own identity. 2. Think about what you really want It’s important to reflect on what you’re looking for in your relationship with your boyfriend and your curiosity about exploring with someone else. Do you feel like this curiosity is something you want to explore openly, or is it more of a passing thought? What does being with a girl mean to you, and how does that fit into your current relationship? 3. Talk to your boyfriend If you feel ready and comfortable, having an honest conversation with your boyfriend about your feelings could help you both understand each other better. Relationships are built on trust and communication, so sharing what you're feeling—without necessarily saying you want to break up or pursue a relationship with someone else—can be an important part of growing together. You don’t have to have all the answers, but talking openly can help you both navigate this together. 4. Give yourself time You don’t have to make a decision right now. Sexuality is complex, and it’s okay to take your time figuring it out. Allow yourself the space to explore your feelings, whether that's through talking to trusted friends, reading, or just reflecting on what feels right for you. There’s no rush, and it’s important to understand what you truly want and need before making any decisions. 5. Respect your boundaries and your relationship If you're unsure about your feelings and don’t want to hurt your boyfriend, you can still explore your feelings in a way that respects both yourself and the relationship. It might be helpful to think about what the boundaries are in your relationship and whether exploring those feelings is something you want to do in a way that doesn’t affect your current bond. Ultimately, it’s about figuring out what’s best for you and being true to your feelings, whether that means talking to your boyfriend or taking time to understand your own desires. It’s okay to be curious and explore, but it’s also important to ensure that whatever you choose aligns with your values, your relationship, and your own well-being. Take your time with it - all the best Love Aunty Hilda xox

How do I tell my parents I have had a boyfriend for the past three months?

Thanks for sending this through :) It can feel nerve-wracking to tell your parents about having a boyfriend, but it's great that you're being honest with yourself and thinking about how to communicate openly with them. 1. Pick a good time Choose a time when your parents are calm and when you can have a private conversation. You want to make sure they’re able to listen and have a meaningful discussion with you. 2. Be honest and straightforward You don’t need to make it a big, scary speech. Just start by saying something like, “I’ve been hanging out with this guy every now and then for the past three months, and I wanted to let you know.” It’s simple and to the point, and it opens the door for them to ask questions if they want to. 3. Talk about your boyfriend It’s helpful to give them a little bit of context. You can talk about how you met, what you like about him, and why he’s important to you. This helps them understand that this is something meaningful for you. 4. Be ready for questions Your parents might have questions or want to know more, and that’s okay. Be prepared for them to ask things like, “How did you meet?” or “What do you like about him?” You don’t have to have every answer, but being open and honest with them will help them feel more comfortable. 5. Acknowledge their feelings If they’re surprised, they might need time to process the news. Let them know you understand they might have questions or concerns, but that you wanted to be honest with them. 6. Respect their rules If your parents have rules or concerns about your relationship, be open to listening and discussing them. You don’t have to agree on everything, but it’s important to have mutual respect and communicate clearly. The most important thing is that you’re being open with them. It shows maturity and responsibility, and it helps build trust. It's completely normal to like someone and to want to spend time with them - you haven't done anything wrong and keeping communication open with your parents is a great thing to do. All the best! Love Aunty Hilda xox

I've liked this guy for ages, but I'm too scared to message him because what if he doesn't like me back?

Great question! I totally understand how you're feeling—it’s really nerve-wracking to put yourself out there, especially when you like someone so much. - But it’s normal to feel scared, and you’re not alone in feeling this way. Here are a few tips.... 1. Take a deep breath and be kind to yourself It’s totally okay to feel nervous. Liking someone can make us feel vulnerable, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It’s brave to express how you feel, even if you’re unsure of the outcome. The most important thing is that you’re being honest with yourself. 2. Don’t overthink the "what ifs" It’s easy to get stuck thinking about all the possible reasons why it might not work out, but you won’t know until you try. Not messaging him might feel safe, but it also means you won’t know if there’s a chance he feels the same. You’re allowed to take a chance—you deserve to know either way! 3. Start simple If you’re worried about what to say, you don’t have to dive in with something huge. Start with a casual message—something light and easy that can spark a conversation. You could say something like, "Hey, how’s it going?" or "I saw something today that reminded me of you!"Just give something simple a go. 4. Remember, rejection doesn’t define you If he doesn’t feel the same way, it might sting for a bit, but it doesn’t reflect who you are or make you any less awesome. Rejection is a normal part of life, and it’s something everyone goes through at some point. The most important thing is to remember that you are worthy of someone who likes you for exactly who you are. 5. Trust your gut If you feel like you want to message him, trust that feeling. You’re the one in control of your decisions, and it’s okay to take a step forward. Whether he likes you back or not, you’ll feel better knowing you were true to yourself and took the chance. You don’t have to rush or pressure yourself. It’s okay to feel scared, but don’t let fear stop you from going after what you want! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I was dating this guy, but when we broke up he called me horrible names and is denying that we ever dated. What should I do?

Thanks for your question - I’m really sorry you're going through this—it sounds hurtful and confusing, especially when someone you cared about behaves that way. Here's how you can handle this situation: 1. Acknowledge that his behaviour is about him, not you When someone calls you horrible names or denies a relationship, it's usually a reflection of their own immaturity or inability to handle things like a breakup properly. It’s not a reflection of your worth. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way, and it’s important to remind yourself that this isn’t about who you are as a person. 2. Set boundaries with him If he's being hurtful and you feel like he's not being respectful, it’s okay to cut off communication with him for your own peace of mind. You don’t need to engage with someone who makes you feel bad, especially when they’re denying the truth and being rude. It’s important to protect your mental and emotional well-being. 3. Talk to someone you trust It can really help to talk to a friend, family member, or a trusted adult about what’s going on. Sometimes getting an outside perspective can help you process things and remind you of the healthy ways to move forward. 4. Let go of what you can't control You can’t control what he says or does, but you can control how you react. Try not to let his actions continue to affect how you feel about yourself. Focus on your own healing and the people who treat you with kindness and respect. 5. Give yourself time to heal Breakups are hard, especially when someone behaves cruelly. It’s okay to feel upset and hurt by the way things ended. Give yourself the time you need to heal, and focus on doing things that make you feel good and supported. This might mean focusing on your hobbies, spending time with supportive friends, or doing things that bring you joy. 6. Know your worth This situation doesn’t define you. His behaviour might have been hurtful, but it doesn’t change who you are. You deserve respect, kindness, and honesty from people you’re close to. This is just a chapter, and you'll move forward stronger. Take care of yourself, and focus on the people and things that make you feel supported and valued. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm curious about the pride books in the library but I'm scared to get one out in case people in my class make fun of me. Do you have any advice?

Thanks for raising this great question - I completely understand how you're feeling—it can be tough when you're interested in something but you're worried about what others might think. But remember, your curiosity is valid, and it’s important to explore things that interest you, especially when it comes to learning about pride and understanding different perspectives. Here are some ideas that might be useful..... 1. Talk to Mrs. Ranby, the librarian If you're worried about people seeing you check out the book, Mrs. Ranby, the librarian, can be a big help! She’s there to support you, and she can set the book aside for you to collect after school, so you don’t have to worry about anyone seeing. This way, you can take your time to explore the book without feeling rushed or self-conscious. 2. Remember that curiosity is a good thing It’s awesome that you want to learn more about pride and LGBTQ+ topics. Being curious and open-minded is something to be proud of, and the library is a safe space for all kinds of learning. Books like these are there to help educate and help people understand different experiences. 3. Focus on what feels right for you What matters most is what you feel comfortable with. If checking out the book feels scary, just remind yourself that your interests are yours to explore. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone— 4. Don’t let others dictate your interests If anyone does make fun of you, remember that it says more about them than it does about you. People might not understand things they’re unfamiliar with, but that doesn’t make your curiosity any less valid. You deserve to explore what interests you without fear of judgment. All the best to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

At the moment there is a girl in our year who is always rude to me and my friends - can you help?

Thanks for your question - I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this—it’s tough when someone is being rude all the time. Here’s some advice that might help: Don’t take it personally: Sometimes people are rude because they’re having a bad day or going through stuff that has nothing to do with you. That doesn’t make it okay, but it can help you understand that her behaviour is about her, not you. Stay calm: If she’s rude to you, try to stay calm. Don’t let her see that she’s upset you. When you stay calm, it shows that her rudeness doesn’t control you. Set boundaries: If she keeps being rude, it’s okay to say something like, “I don’t like it when you talk to me like that,” or “Please don’t speak to me that way.” It’s important to stand up for yourself. Talk to her (if you feel safe): If you feel comfortable, you can try talking to her. Let her know how her behaviour makes you feel. Sometimes people don’t realise how their words hurt others. Tell someone you trust: If this continues and it’s making you feel upset or uncomfortable, it’s important to talk to someone you trust—like a teacher, school counsellor, or even your parents. They can help you figure out what to do next. Stick with your friends: It’s easier to handle someone being rude when you have friends who support you. Spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself and remember that you deserve respect. It’s not your fault, and you have every right to stand up for yourself. No one should make you feel bad about who you are xx, love Aunty Hilda xox

I feel like no one cares about me. My parents always say they love me, but they never show it and always favour my sister. Also all my friends went to a different school and I have no one. My schedule is so busy every day and my parents won't let me quit anything and life is just too overwhelming. Any ideas on what to do??

Thanks for asking this question - I’m really sorry you’re feeling like this—it sounds like you're dealing with a lot at once, and it’s no wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed. When you feel like no one cares about you, it can make everything else seem even harder. Here are some ideas that might help: 1. Find someone who does listen It can be hard when it feels like your parents aren’t showing support the way you need. Since you’re not feeling heard by them, it might help to talk to someone outside of the situation who can listen to what you’re going through. This could be a school counsellor, a teacher you trust, or a family member like an aunt or older sibling. Having someone validate how you’re feeling can be a huge relief. 2. Take small breaks for yourself With your schedule being so busy, it sounds like you never get a chance to just breathe. While it might not feel like you can quit anything right now, see if there’s a way to carve out small moments for yourself—even just 10 or 15 minutes each day. Use this time to do something that helps you recharge, whether it’s listening to music, reading, or just sitting quietly. Small breaks can help you manage stress and give you a little bit of control over your time. 3. Focus on what you can control When everything feels overwhelming, it can help to focus on the things you can control. This might be organising your day in a way that feels manageable or setting a few small goals that are more within your reach. It could also be about setting boundaries in your social life—if you're feeling distant from friends who went to different schools, maybe there’s a way to keep in touch that feels better for you, like text check-ins or weekend meetups. Feeling like you have some control over your time and choices might help you feel more grounded. 4. Look for support outside your immediate circle I know you mentioned that your friends are at a different school, but are there people at your current school—maybe in your class, or even a club or group you’re part of—that could help you feel more connected? It’s hard to feel alone, and making one or two new connections can really help. Sometimes, just talking to someone who isn’t in your close circle can offer fresh perspectives and new ways of thinking about what you’re going through. 5. Know that you're not alone in feeling this way It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, especially when it seems like the people closest to you aren’t showing support the way you need. You’re not the only one going through this, and it’s okay to feel unsure about what to do. The key thing is to remember that you matter and you’re important. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it, there are people who care, and there are ways to feel better. Life can be really tough when you feel like you're on your own, but you don’t have to keep everything bottled up. Reach out when you feel ready, and take small steps to focus on what makes you feel safe, heard, and cared for. All the best to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I feel like my parents are having sex in their office and they make up a bunch of lies so I won't find out. I don't want to talk to them about it... what should I do?

Thank you for asking this question, it sounds like this is feeling awkward and uuncomfortable, which is a completley normal thing to feel. Even though it's awkward to think about, parents having sex is a normal part of a healthy relationship. It's also a private part of their relationship together and something they weren't meaning for you to become aware of. Here are a few things that might help - It sounds like you're feeling uncomfortable and confused about what’s happening, and that’s totally understandable. It can be really awkward when you start noticing things about your parents' private lives that you’re not sure how to handle. Here's what you can do: Remember, your parents are human too: It’s normal for parents to have their own private lives, and while it might feel weird, they still deserve their privacy just like you do. Adults have relationships and boundaries that may be different from what you're used to seeing, and it’s okay to feel uncomfortable. It’s okay not to know everything: You don’t have to understand everything about your parents' relationship or feel the need to know all the details. Their private life is something for them, and just because you’ve noticed something doesn’t mean you have to confront it or figure it all out right away. Set boundaries for yourself: If you’re feeling overwhelmed by what you think is happening, it’s okay to give yourself space from it. You can focus on your own interests or activities and try not to let their private lives distract you from what you need to focus on. Talk to a trusted adult: If the situation is making you really uncomfortable or you feel like you need more guidance, consider talking to another trusted adult—like a school counselor or a family member. Sometimes getting an outside perspective can help clear things up and give you advice on how to navigate these feelings. Don’t feel like you need to talk to them about it if you’re not ready: It’s okay to feel like you don’t want to discuss it with them right now. When you’re ready, and if you feel it’s necessary, you can always have an open conversation with them. But for now, it’s okay to just focus on yourself and what feels best for you. All the best to you, love Aunty Hilda xox

How do you have sex and not make it hurt and how can I get my boyfriend to touch my g spot?

Thanks for your awesome question. It's a really normal thing to be concerned about sex hurting the first time, but sex shouldn't be painful. Sometimes certain positions can be uncomfortable, so it's important to communicate that with your partner so you can be more comfortable. It's important to be adequately lubricated, so making sure you take time to warm up with foreplay and getting into the zone is helpful. There's no research to show that the g-spot exists, but rather it's probably an internal part of the clitoral network. The main thing is always to do what feels right for you, and to do what feels good for you and your partner. All the best, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

My boyfriend doesn't like using condoms and I'm scared I will get pregnant, but my Mum won't let me use birth control. I bought condoms but my boyfriend poked holes in them :( What should I do?

Thank you for your really important question. This sounds like a really difficult and frustrating position to be in. It sounds like your boyfriend is being very disrespectful to your bodt and your wishes. Being with someone who doesn't respect your wishes in a sexual relationship is a really concerning situation and that is not someone you can trust to have your best interest at heart. Using a condom is for more than just pregnancy prevention, it protects you from sexually transmitted infections and serious complications coming from those diseases. Maybe you could talk to your GP or sexual wellbeing, Aotearoa (0800 463 654 )for advice on keeping yourself safe. Even though your mum isn't on board with contraception, you are legally allowed to access confidential advice and birth control at any age in NZ. This is your rights and your health: Your body, your choice. If your boyfriend doesn’t want to use condoms, that’s his choice, but you have every right to insist on using them for your protection. If he’s not willing to respect your boundaries, that’s a serious issue. Your safety, health, and comfort should be the priority in any relationship, and no one should ever pressure you into sex without protection. You're allowed to stand up for yourself and your health, and there are people who can help you navigate this situation safely. Lots of love, AUnty Hilda xox

How often should I be showering and washing my hair? I'm not sure if I smell to other people and what a normal hygiene routine would look like.

That's a great question, especially when our bodies change so much during and after puberty. A general rule for teenagers would be to shower every day and extra if you exercise, play sport or if it's hot. Washing your hair about twice a week or more if you have greasy hair is a good idea, because it can smell bad too. Using deodorant daily is important and don't forget to change your sheets every week or two. Washing your clothes regularly is really important too. Teeth brushing morning and night! It's a great thing to be thinking about - these things can creep up on us and affect how we feel. Heres a quick example of a daily routine - Shower: Every day or every other day, focusing on the key areas (armpits, feet, and intimate areas). Wash hair: 2-3 times a week, or more if you have oily hair. Deodorant: Use it daily to keep sweat and odour under control. Brush teeth: Twice a day and flossing too! Change clothes: Fresh underwear and socks every day. Sheets and PJs: Change your sheets every 1-2 weeks, and wear clean pyjamas. Feeling clean and fresh is good! Best of luck! Aunty Hilda xox

Hi, I have a question about the birth control rod - I've had the rod for 5+ years and it's past its expiry date - and I no longer need birth control and I don't want it to be replaced) Do i HAVE to get it removed or can it just stay in my body for the rest of my life? If I don't get it removed will it cause problems?

Thanks for a really interesting question - if your birth control rod (implant) is past its expiry date and you no longer need birth control, it is still important to get it removed. Even though you no longer need it for contraception, leaving it in your body after the expiry date isn’t recommended. Here’s why: Continued Hormonal Release: The implant still releases hormones into your body, even if you no longer need contraception. Over time, this could cause side effects like mood changes, irregular bleeding, headaches, or other hormonal imbalances. These effects could persist if you leave the implant in. Potential Health Risks: While it’s unlikely to cause major problems, leaving the implant in after its expiry date could potentially lead to complications such as infection or inflammation around the implant site, especially if the implant is left in too long. Harder to Remove Later: The longer you wait to remove the implant, the more difficult it could become to take out, especially if the surrounding tissue has changed over time. To avoid any possible complications, getting it removed is the best advice. Best of luck, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I haven't had my period yet and I'm nervous about it. Do you have any tips?

Thanks for a great question that affects every student in our kura! It’s natural: Your period is a part of growing up, and it’s a sign that your body is going through changes. You might start noticing some signs before it happens, like feeling a bit more tired or having mood swings, but these aren’t the same for everyone. Be prepared: It can help to have some supplies on hand, like pads or tampons, just in case. If you're at school and need them, there are pads and tampons available in the school toilets, so you don’t need to worry about running out. You can also check out the period section on Ask Aunty Hilda—it’s full of stories from other auntys about how they experienced their first period. You might find it comforting and helpful to read their experiences. There are tracking apps you can use - like Luna period tracker and MagicGirl even before you get your period that can help you make sense of where you are at. Talking to someone always helps :) We've all been there and it's going to be ok for you too! Aunty Hilda knows you've got this! Lots of love, xoxox

At the moment my parents make me feel like they want me to be the perfect daughter - can you help me?

Thanks for a really great question - you are definitely not alone in this feeling. It sounds like you're feeling a lot of pressure to be the "perfect" daughter, and that can really weigh on you. It’s totally understandable that you want to make your parents happy, but you don’t have to be perfect to do that. You deserve to be loved for who you are, not just for meeting expectations. Here are some things to think about: It's okay to not be perfect: No one is perfect, not even your parents. We all have flaws and make mistakes, and that’s what makes us human. You don’t have to live up to an impossible standard to be worthy of love and respect. Talking to them might help: If you’re feeling up to it, try talking to your parents about how their expectations are affecting you. They might not even realise they’re putting that pressure on you, and a simple conversation could help them understand where you're coming from. Setting boundaries is important: It’s perfectly okay to say no when things get too much. You don’t always have to be everything for everyone, and it’s important to take care of your own needs. Boundaries help you stay healthy and keep a good balance in your relationships. You’re not alone: Many people, especially teens, feel like they have to be something they’re not to meet someone else's standards. You don’t have to be perfect, and you certainly don’t have to do everything right all the time. What matters is that you’re trying your best, and that's enough. Focus on what makes you happy: It’s really important to explore what makes you feel good and fulfilled, not just what others want for you. Whether it’s school, hobbies, or your friendships—make sure you’re doing things that feel true to who you are. Don’t forget self-care: Make time for yourself. Whether it’s reading, chatting with a friend, or just chilling out, make sure you're doing things that help you feel recharged. You deserve it. If it ever feels overwhelming, talking to someone else—like a counsellor or someone you trust—could be helpful. Remember, you don’t need to be perfect to be loved and valued for who you are. Best of luck with this - lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Sometimes I get horny in public places, what should I do about getting my feelings out?

Thanks for a really honest question that I'm sure a lot of people can relate to at some point. It's totally normal to experience sexual feelings, and it's okay to acknowledge them, even in public spaces. However, when these feelings come up in public, it’s important to handle them in a way that respects your boundaries and the space around you. Here are a few things that might help you navigate these moments: Acknowledge the feeling: First off, know that it’s completely natural to feel that way. Sexual feelings are a part of being human, and everyone experiences them at different times. Don’t judge yourself for it. Being at school or in another social environment can make it feel overwhelming, so being able to distract yourself and get a breath of fresh air might be a good idea. Maybe knowing that you can release that tension later through masturbation is a helpful thought - doing that in a safe and private space is important for everyones boundaries. And maybe learning to understand your emotions and why you might feel like this. Sometimes those feelings can come up because we are bored or stressed, or even because of the environment. Learning to understand ourselves is always a great step in our development at any age. All the very best! LOts of love, Aunty Hilda xoo

I want to have sex, but I'm really scared to get down there waxed and know that it's clean - how do I do this comfortably?

Thanks for a really great question - It’s completely normal to feel nervous about preparing for sex, but remember that there’s no "right" way to do it. You don’t need to follow trends or what you see online or in the media. If you’re considering waxing, take your time and decide if it’s something you really want to do, knowing that it can be painful. You can also try shaving or trimming if that feels better for you. If you choose waxing, go to a professional and ask about aftercare to minimize irritation. When it comes to cleanliness, don’t stress—just shower if that makes you feel fresh. What matters is doing what makes you feel comfortable, not what others expect. The key is to focus on what you want for your body, not what anyone else thinks you should do. Take things at your own pace and communicate openly with your partner about any concerns. Ultimately, feeling confident in your own choices is what matters most. Best of luck to you, love Aunty Hilda xox

I want to have sex but I'm worried he'll see the discharge in my underwear. What should I do?

Thanks for such a great question - Discharge is a normal part of your body’s cycle, and it happens naturally to keep your vagina clean and healthy. It can change depending on where you are in your cycle, and that’s completely natural. Women shouldn’t feel ashamed of how their bodies work—our bodies are incredible, and everything they do is part of being healthy. If you’re worried, wearing a pantyliner can help you feel more comfortable, but it’s not necessary. Most guys won’t notice, and if they do, they won’t care. You could also shower or change into fresh underwear if that makes you feel better. Just remember, it’s all part of your body’s natural processes, and there’s no reason to feel self-conscious about it. Embrace your body and feel confident in what it does. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

Hi Aunty, this might be silly, but I made out and did some things with a guy I really shouldn't have done that with and I have a huge guilty feeling for some reason. How can I get rid of this? xx

Thanks for this great question - I totally get why you’re feeling guilty, but remember, your feelings are valid. It’s not silly at all. The guilt you’re feeling could be for a few different reasons—maybe the person you were with was someone else’s boyfriend, or perhaps you weren’t ready for that level of intimacy. You might also feel guilty because you felt pressured, or maybe you had too much to drink and weren’t fully in control of the situation. Any of these things can make you feel conflicted afterward. Here are a few things to keep in mind: Reflect on your feelings: Take some time to think about why you feel guilty. Is it because the situation didn’t align with your boundaries or values? Did you feel like you might have hurt someone else, or that you acted in a way that didn’t fully reflect who you want to be? Understanding where the guilt is coming from can help you process it. Own your feelings: It’s okay to have mixed emotions. Whatever happened, acknowledging how you feel is the first step in moving through those emotions. Talk it out: If you feel comfortable, talking to someone you trust about what happened can help. Whether it’s a friend, family member, or counsellor, opening up can make it easier to process what’s going on in your head. Set your own boundaries moving forward: Use this as an opportunity to think about what you want in future situations. What are your boundaries? What makes you feel safe and respected? Understanding these things can help you make decisions that align with what you truly want. Let go of perfection: Don’t be too hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes or ends up in situations they wish hadn’t happened. What matters is how you learn from it and what you do next. You’re not defined by one moment—it’s part of growing and figuring things out. These things can feel so awful, but they are also the things that make us who we are and create a colourful tapestry. Be gentle on yourself, Lots of love to you always, Aunty Hilda xox

I don't know what to because my boyfriend and I have tried to have sex but his penis actually won't fit. I feel embarrassed. What should I do?

Thanks for asking this really great question :) First of all, I want to say that it’s completely normal to feel embarrassed, but this situation is more common than you might think, and it’s important not to feel bad about it. Here are a few things to keep in mind: Bodies don’t always fit perfectly: Not every body or sexual experience is the same, and sometimes it can take a little time and patience to figure things out. It’s possible that your bodies just need a bit more time to adjust, or that you need to try different positions or methods to feel more comfortable. Take your time: It’s okay if things don’t happen right away. Sexual intimacy isn’t just about penetration—it’s about connection, communication, and being patient with each other. You don’t need to rush. Focus on feeling relaxed and comfortable with each other. Lubrication: Sometimes, if the vagina isn’t lubricated enough, it can make penetration more difficult. Using a good quality water-based lubricant might help make things smoother and more comfortable for both of you. Communication is key: Have an open conversation with your boyfriend about how you’re both feeling. It’s important that you both feel comfortable and not rushed or pressured. Talking about what feels good and what doesn’t can make things easier and reduce any embarrassment. It’s normal to feel awkward: Many people go through similar experiences, especially if they’re new to sex. It’s a learning process, and you don’t have to have everything figured out right away. The most important thing is that you’re both respecting each other’s boundaries and comfort levels. Don’t compare to others: There’s a lot of pressure in the media and from other people about what sex “should” look like, but there’s no one-size-fits-all. Your experiences are unique, and that’s perfectly okay. Most importantly, remember that you don’t have to rush into anything you’re not ready for. It’s about discovering what works for you and your partner, and taking things at your own pace. Lots of love to you and all the best, Aunty Hilda xox

My friend tried to make out with me at a party and take my pants off, but I'm not into girls. What should I do?

Thank you for your great question. It sounds like you were in a really uncomfortable situation, and it’s important to trust your feelings and boundaries. If you're not into girls and didn't want things to go further, that's completely valid. You don't have to do anything you're not comfortable with, no matter who it is. It's okay to be clear and assertive about your boundaries, telling your friend something like, "I'm not into girls, and I don’t want to take things further." If you're feeling unsure or uncomfortable, step away from the situation if you can, and find a trusted friend to talk to. If you feel up to it, having a conversation with your friend later to explain how you felt and clarify that you're not interested can help avoid any confusion or hurt feelings. Remember, you shouldn’t feel guilty for not being interested in someone in that way—your boundaries are always valid, and you should be in situations where you're respected and comfortable. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

Hi Aunty Hilda, I need ways to lose weight very fast because I keep getting called fat by people and even my family. I just want to like my body and not be embarrassed to wear shorts or tight stuff. Please give me actual tips and not just stuff where it says "love who you are" I need real tips.

Thank you for your really important question. I'm really sorry that you have had to experience this. First, let me be clear: NO ONE should ever make you feel like your body is not enough as it is. People who make comments about your body are being rude, ignorant, and completely disrespectful. Women should never have to shrink themselves, take up less space, or alter their appearance to meet someone else’s idea of beauty. Your body, in all its forms, is worthy, and you should never feel less valuable because of how others view you. The fact that they feel entitled to comment on your body is their issue, not yours. Your body is yours alone—and you get to decide what makes you feel good, strong, and healthy. There’s no “perfect” body shape that determines your worth. So, let’s focus on what YOU can do to feel strong and energised, regardless of other people’s narrow-minded opinions. Here are some tips that will help you make health-conscious choices that respect your body, without letting anyone else’s negativity control how you feel about yourself. Healthy Eating Tips: Focus on whole, nutrient-dense foods: Choose foods that nourish and fuel you, not just those that help you lose weight fast. Fill your plate with whole grains (like brown rice, quinoa, and oats), lean proteins (like chicken, tofu, and beans), healthy fats (avocado, nuts, seeds), and lots of vegetables and fruits. These foods will give you the energy you need without depriving your body of what it needs to thrive. Avoid diets that shame you: Diet culture is toxic—it tells you your worth is tied to your size and that you should restrict or starve yourself to meet current beauty standards. This isn’t the solution. Instead of worrying about what you can’t eat, focus on what you can eat that makes you feel good—foods that are rich in vitamins, minerals, and other nutrients your body needs. Practice mindful eating: Listen to your body. When you're hungry, eat—when you’re full, stop. Don’t let anyone tell you how much food you "should" have. Enjoy your food and feel the satisfaction of nourishing your body, rather than focusing on external expectations. Stay hydrated: Water is your best friend. Drinking plenty of water helps your body function properly and can also help with energy and digestion. Avoid sugary drinks and excessive caffeine—your body doesn’t need them. Make food fun: Find recipes that excite you and make you feel good about what you’re eating. Explore different cuisines and cooking techniques. Eating healthy doesn't have to be bland or boring—experiment with new flavours and enjoy the process of cooking for yourself. You are wonderful and beautiful. Always and All Ways! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I think I might be addicted to porn. Is it bad to watch it? I feel guilty.

Thanks for a really great question. It’s not uncommon to feel conflicted or guilty about watching porn, especially when you're questioning whether it’s affecting you negatively. First, it’s important to know that you're not alone in feeling this way—many people go through similar experiences. Watching porn isn't inherently bad, but it can become problematic if it starts to interfere with your daily life, relationships, or how you view yourself and others. One of the issues with porn is that it often portrays unrealistic and unhealthy depictions of sex, where women are frequently objectified or treated in ways that don’t reflect mutual respect. This can shape how you view relationships, sex, and even how you treat others. If you feel like it's affecting your mental health, relationships, or your ability to connect with others, it might be worth exploring why it has become such a big part of your life. If you’re feeling guilty, it’s worth asking yourself why. Do you feel that it’s against your values? Does it make you feel disconnected from your own sense of sexuality? It’s important to reflect on how it’s impacting you personally. It’s also worth considering how often you're watching it and whether it's becoming a way of avoiding real-life connections or emotions. It’s okay to seek help if you feel that watching porn is becoming a habit or addiction you can’t control. Talking to someone you trust, like a counsellor can help you process these feelings without judgment. You have every right to explore your sexuality, but it’s also important to ensure that what you're doing feels healthy and positive for you. Everyone’s relationship with sexuality is different, and there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. What matters is how it affects you and your well-being. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I met a guy on omegle who really wants to meet up with me in real life and wants me to come alone - I need help deciding what to do......

This is a great question - and it sounds to me like you already have a strong sense of it not being quite ok. Thays a really good feeling to notice! NEVER ignore that little voice that tells you something is off. It's real and it's there to help you and protect you. You already know from lots of times hearing it that you should NEVER meet someone you've met online, irl alone. If you do decide to meet - take a friend or two, tell people where you are going and have an exit plan. A respectful and trustworthy person wouldn't ask you to come alone and your instincts have already alerted you to that. Take care, always and do what YOU know is right. Consider the risks carefully and plan for them. My best Aunty Advice is never meet someone from an online platform alone...... take care, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm really struggling with my home life right now and then I come to school and have to be around a bunch of people who I don't think actually like me. Everything just makes me feel so overwhelmed and I just want to get out - what can I do?

Thanks for sharing your really important question. I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way—it sounds really overwhelming. A lot of people experience this kind of feeling, where all parts of their life seem rotten for a time. It's hard - but it will get better xx - here are some things you might try..... Take small breaks: Find moments during the day to step away, whether it’s a quick walk or sitting in a quiet spot. These short breaks can help reset your mind. Talk to someone you trust: Maybe the counsellor, or a friend you can talk to? Sharing how you’re feeling with someone who listens can make a big difference. Set boundaries when possible: If being around people who don’t seem to like you is making things harder, see if you can create some space for yourself, like sitting in a safer spot or focusing on your work. Focus on what you can control: It might help to focus on manageable things, like schoolwork or small personal goals. Even tiny wins can help you feel more in control. Reach out for help at home: If your home life is tough, consider talking to a trusted family member, counsellor, or friend about what’s going on. Asking for support is okay and might help ease some of the weight. Remember you’re not alone: Many people struggle with feeling overwhelmed, so don’t hesitate to reach out or take steps to care for yourself. It’s important to be kind to yourself during tough times. Take things one step at a time, and remember, it’s okay to ask for help when you need it. You've got this. Sometimes life feels particularly hard, but the sun always comes up - sometimes it just takes a bit longer than we'd like. Lots of love to you always, Aunty Hilda xox

I really don't want to be at this school, I really don't like it but I don't have other available options. I hate getting up every morning... what should I do?

Thanks for your question. It sounds like you're going through a really rough time at the moment. I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. Maybe you could try some of these things that might help - Set small goals: Focus on getting through one thing at a time, like a class or a conversation with a friend. Small wins can help you feel more in control. Find moments of peace: Look for small things that bring you some comfort, like a favourite subject or a break to recharge. Talk to someone you trust: Talking to a counsellor, family member or friend can help you process your feelings and offer support. Visualise your future: Think about what you want for the future, even if it’s not immediate. It can help motivate you through tough days. Take care of yourself: Find ways to relieve stress outside of school, whether it’s through a hobby or just some alone time. Even when we feel trapped, there are always ways to regain a sense of control. This could mean focusing on things you can decide on in your day-to-day life, like your mindset, your routine, or your approach to schoolwork. Taking charge of these smaller areas can help you feel less overwhelmed. Sometimes these things just take a bit of time. Lots of love to you always, Aunty Hilda xox

I think I'm pregnant, but I'm too scared to tell anyone. I've got all the symptoms and I've taken a test, but I don't know whose it is. Does this mean I'm a whore? How do I tell my parents?

Thanks for asking such a brave question. I imagine you are feeling really worried and stressed right now. You are certainly not a "whore" for having sex with different people. Exploring your sexuality and navigating some complex situations around this makes you human. As long as you felt good about making those decisions and it was a consensual experience, then you have nothing to be ashamed about. It might be a good idea to talk to your parents so they can help you with this - or maybe you could talk to the counsellor or a trusted adult who could help you with how to go about it. While it might feel like a scary thing to do, they will most likely want to support you. You are certainly worthy of respect, love and understanding, no matter what. Take care and all the best, love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm in year 12 and feel so stressed out about finding a formal date - I don't really have a guy in my life I want to take. I feel like I'm the only one without a date!! What should I do??

This is such a great question! And you are definitely not alone worrying about this!! Truly, if there's no one you are keen to take, then it is so much worse going with someone you don't really know. You don't want to be worrying about having to look after them all night - and every year heaps of girls go with their friends and have a really great time!! Lots of year 13s have figured this out and by the time they are in their final year, they want to have fun with their friend group. So take the person who is going to be fun to be with :) Consider your handbag a lot! Don't impulse buy! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxo

Hey Aunty, I'm thinking a lot about wanting to look my best for the formal and wanting to lose weight. But also I don't want to think like that - please help.

Thank you for asking this!! First of all, I just want to say how powerful it is that you’re even asking this. That little voice inside you—the one that says, “I don’t want to think like this”—is your truth speaking. That’s the part of you that knows deep down that you’re meant for more than shrinking yourself to fit into some made-up ideal. Let’s be real: the world has spent way too long teaching girls that the smaller we are, the more beautiful, polite, disciplined, desirable, and worthy we become. We’re told to be “toned but not too muscular,” “curvy but not too big,” “petite but still womanly.” It’s a trap designed to keep us constantly second-guessing ourselves. And formal season? It turns up the pressure to a deafening level. But hear this: You do not need to take up less space to be more beautiful. You do not need to be thinner to be worthy of that dress, that dance, that moment. You do not need to disappear to deserve being seen. Looking your best should never mean hurting yourself, punishing your body, or turning against the very skin that holds you. Beauty is not about losing—it’s about becoming. Becoming confident. Becoming free. Becoming unapologetically you. Your body is not the problem. The culture that makes you question it is. You deserve to walk into your formal with your head high, not because you’ve starved yourself to fit into a dress, but because you chose to show up for yourself. You chose food. Strength. Energy. Joy. You chose to say: I’m not playing that game anymore. So if you catch yourself spiralling, ask: Who profits when I hate my body? Who wins when I believe I'm not enough? Spoiler alert: it's not you. You don’t have to fight this battle alone. Talk to your friends about it. Call it out when it creeps into your thoughts. Nourish yourself—in every way. And when you walk into that formal, I hope you feel powerful. Not because you’ve shrunk yourself down, but because you stood tall in a world that constantly tells you not to. With so much love and pride for you, Aunty Hilda 💥💛

I want to give head to my boyfriend, but I don't want him to cum in my mouth because that's yuck. What do I do?

Firstly—thank you for asking this so openly and honestly. 💛 It’s so important to have these conversations, and you absolutely deserve to feel safe, respected, and totally in control of your own boundaries, especially when it comes to anything sexual. Here’s the deal: you never have to do anything you don’t want to do. That includes what happens during oral sex. Wanting to give your boyfriend pleasure doesn’t mean you have to accept everything he wants, especially if it crosses a line for you. It’s completely okay to say something like: “I’m happy to go down on you, but I don’t want you to finish in my mouth.” You don’t need a big explanation or apology—your boundary is valid just as it is. If he cares about you, he’ll respect that without question. And if he doesn’t? That says way more about him than it does about you. You can also talk through what you'd feel comfortable with instead—maybe stopping before he finishes, or letting him know to tell you beforehand so you can choose what to do next. It’s all about communication and consent, from both sides. The most important thing: sex should never feel like a performance, or like you’re pushing past your own “ick” just to please someone else. You matter in this too—your comfort, your choices, your voice. Always. 💕 Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I really want a boyfriend and all my friends have one, so it makes it worse. What do I do?

Thanks for such a common question and feeling - that feeling is so real—and so hard. 💛 Wanting a boyfriend, especially when it feels like everyone else already has one, can make you feel left out, behind, or like you’re missing something important. But I promise you, you’re not. Here’s what I want you to know: ✨ You’re not late, and you’re not less. There’s no deadline for love or dating or relationships. Some people meet someone early, some later, and some realise they don’t even want a relationship in the way they thought. There’s no right order or timeline. 💬 Ask yourself what you really want. Is it a boyfriend? Or is it closeness, attention, affection, someone to talk to and be seen by? All of that is totally human to want—but those things can come in so many forms: deep friendships, connection with yourself, even from community and creativity. 🌱 A relationship isn’t a prize for being pretty or cool or enough. You already are enough. A boyfriend doesn’t make you more valid, more lovable, or more grown-up. Anyone who ends up with you will be lucky—not because you waited, but because you knew your worth the whole time. 💘 It’s okay to want it—and okay not to rush it. It’s not wrong to want love. What matters is not settling just to have someone, anyone, because it feels like you should. You deserve someone who sees all of you and chooses you, not just someone who fills a gap. So in the meantime? Keep building your own amazing, messy, brilliant life. You’re not behind—you’re just beginning. And love (when it comes) will meet you right where you are. 💕 Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm 13 and I just lost my virginity to a guy who's 15. What do I do? What if my parents find out?

Thanks for this really great question and for reaching out :) At 13, you're still learning so much about yourself. It's a time when things can feel intense and new and exciting—but also overwhelming. Even when something *feels* okay in the moment, it’s totally normal to have questions or second thoughts afterward. That doesn’t mean you messed up—it just means you’re growing and trying to understand what feels right for you. When someone’s older—even just by a couple of years—they can seem more confident or experienced. That can make it harder to really speak up, or to know whether the decision you're making is *fully* your own. Real consent means being able to say yes or no clearly, without pressure or uncertainty, and also being mature enough to understand the emotional side of what you're choosing. And that's not always easy when you're younger and still working out your own boundaries and feelings. So - **Talk to someone you trust.** This could be a school counsellor, or another adult who will support you without judgment. You don’t need to carry this alone. They can help you figure out how you’re feeling, and how to take care of yourself emotionally and physically (like looking after your sexual health). 💛 **Be kind to yourself.** Whatever you’re feeling—confused, okay, sad, unsure—is valid. You’re allowed to feel complicated about it. What matters now is how you take care of *you* going forward. And if your parents do find out, it might feel scary at first—but most of the time, even if they react strongly, it’s because they care. If it helps, you can talk to a trusted adult first who can help you figure out *how* to have that conversation, or whether you even need to. In case you're worried you've done something bad - you haven't! You’re just a young person navigating something big. And it's awesome you've come here to talk about it. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

How do you have sex and enjoy it?

Thanks for such a great and important question! 💛 So many people wonder this but feel too shy to ask—so first of all, thank you for being brave enough to say it out loud. Here’s the truth: sex isn’t something you just “do”—it’s something you experience, and for it to be enjoyable, it needs to feel safe, respectful, and genuinely wanted by you. There’s no magic formula, but here are some really important things that make sex something you can actually enjoy: 1. Consent is the starting point—always. Enjoying sex means wanting it, not just agreeing to it or “getting it over with.” That means you feel comfortable saying yes, no, or changing your mind at any time. No pressure. No guilt. Just choice. ✨ 2. You need to feel emotionally safe. If you’re feeling unsure, nervous, judged, or not fully respected by the other person, your body can’t relax—and that makes it really hard to enjoy anything. Feeling seen, heard, and cared for matters so much more than how “experienced” you are. 🧠 3. Your head needs to be in the same place as your body. If you’re worrying the whole time about how you look, what they’re thinking, or whether you’re doing it “right,” it’s really hard to feel good. Being fully present helps, and that gets easier when you’re with someone you trust, and you feel confident in your “no” just as much as your “yes.” 🌊 4. Take your time. There’s no rush. You don’t have to go from kissing to full-on sex in one go—or even in one relationship. Exploring what feels good for you, slowly, can help you learn what you actually enjoy. That might include things like kissing, touching, or talking about what you like—without needing to go further than you’re ready for. 🫶 5. Your pleasure matters. This one’s huge: sex isn’t just about the other person. What feels good for you? What do you want to try or explore? Your body is not just there to please someone else—it deserves pleasure too. And that starts with curiosity, not shame. So… how do you have sex and enjoy it? You start by knowing you don’t owe anyone your body. You protect your boundaries. You ask for what you want. You only do what feels right for you, at your pace, in your way. Sex is not a performance. It’s not a test. It’s not a way to prove your worth. It’s something you deserve to experience with confidence, care, and joy—when you’re ready. 💕 And if you’re not sure if you’re there yet, that’s okay too. There’s no rush. You’re not behind. You’re just figuring it out—and that’s Awesome! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

Aren't humans all the same apart from the way a body looks between girls and boys? So why would someone want be another gender?

Thanks for asking this - That’s such a thoughtful question, and it’s awesome that you’re thinking deeply about identity and what makes us who we are. 💛 You’re right in a lot of ways—we’re all human, and deep down, we all want to feel safe, accepted, and understood. But gender isn’t just about how our bodies look on the outside. It’s also about how we feel on the inside—how we relate to ourselves and the world around us. Some people are born in bodies that don’t match how they feel inside. For example, someone might be assigned female at birth but feel deep down that they’re a boy—or neither a boy nor a girl—or something in between. This isn’t about wanting to "be someone else"—it’s about wanting to live in a way that feels true and right for them. It’s kind of like wearing shoes that don’t fit. Even if they look fine on the outside, they just feel wrong, and over time, they start to really hurt. Being able to express your gender in a way that feels right is like finally finding shoes that actually fit—comfortable, freeing, and more you. It’s also important to know that gender is a social construct—which means it’s something society has created over time, with ideas about what it means to be a “girl” or a “boy.” These ideas can change across cultures and history, and they don’t always reflect everyone’s lived experience. Different cultures around the world have always recognised more than just “girl” and “boy.” Gender isn’t just a body thing—it’s also a heart and mind thing. And respecting that helps everyone feel like they belong. 💕 So even though we are all human, part of being kind and inclusive is knowing that people experience their identities in different ways—and that’s okay. 🌈 Lots of love to you, Aunty HIlda xox

How do I subtly encourage someone I'm into (And I'm pretty sure they are into me) to make a move? Both my bestie and I want to know (she's gay and I'm straight) so can include tips for both please :)

Hi there - thanks for your great question! It's a hard place to be in when you really like someone and don't know quite how to do the next bit! Body language can be a great way to communicate without words - Turning your body towards theirs, touching them more on the arm etc, making eye contact, smiling lots. Then showing a real interest in their hobbies and remembering things they have told you is a great idea. BUT - making the first move here is a great idea!! Why wait around? You're pretty sure the feelings are mutual, so go for it! And this advice is the same for anyone you like and whether you are gay or straight. Best of luck to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I have a habit of pulling out my eyelashes and this has been going on for a while. I have already told my parents and I think this is the second time I've pulled out this many. One time I pulled them all out. Do you have any advice on how to stop?

Thank you so much for sharing this—it takes a lot of courage to talk about something like this, and you’re definitely not alone. 💛 Pulling out eyelashes (or hair from anywhere on your body) is actually something a lot of people struggle with, even if it’s not often talked about. It has a name—trichotillomania—and it’s a type of body-focused repetitive behaviour. It’s not about being “weird” or “bad,” and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you. It’s often something people do when they’re feeling anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, or even just without realising it. Here are some things that might help: 🌱 Notice when and why it happens – Try to keep track of when you feel the urge. Is it when you’re bored, anxious, or trying to concentrate? Understanding your triggers can be the first step toward change. 🖐️ Keep your hands busy – Some people find it helps to use a fidget toy, stress ball, textured putty, or something soft to stroke when they feel the urge coming on. 🪞 Set up a mirror-free zone – If mirrors are a trigger, limiting mirror time or avoiding close-up reflections can help reduce the temptation. 🧠 Talk to someone who can support you – You’ve already spoken to your parents (which is amazing), so maybe now is a good time to ask about seeing a school counsellor or a mental health professional. They can help you learn ways to cope that work for you. 💬 Be kind to yourself – This isn’t something you chose to do, and it doesn’t define you. Relapses or rough patches don’t mean you’ve failed—they’re part of the journey. You deserve support and understanding as you figure this out. You’re not alone, and it is possible to find ways to manage this over time. Sending you big love. 💕 Aunty Hilda xox

Hey Aunty Hilda, I really like this guy but I don't know how to talk or have a conversation over text. Could I have some advice?

Thanks for your question! That’s such a relatable feeling—so many people feel nervous about texting someone they like (even adults!). The good news is, there’s no “perfect” way to do it—just a few little tips to help make it feel more natural and a bit less scary. Start with the little things, how was your day, sharing some commonalities.... Putting yourself out there is always a big feeling in the moment, but this is all part of starting a relationship. Don't overthink it! Just let the conversation flow and most importantly - Be yourself! You don't have to be any different, or any cooler... if he likes you, it's because of who YOU are. You've got this! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Dear Aunty Hilda, my friend group just wants to say how much we appreciate you! Thank you for helping us have chats and discussions. We've learnt heaps! xxx

Awwww! That’s so lovely to hear! 💛 I’m so glad that these chats have been helpful for you and your friends. Having open, honest discussions is such a powerful way to learn and grow together, and it makes me so happy to know you’re taking the time to think, question, and support each other. Keep those conversations going—you’re all doing something really special! Talking and sharing is our power! Big hugs to you all. 💕 Love Aunty Hilda xox

Hi, I just wanted to get some advice on what to do with people in my year who act all smiley and nice to people but it's so clearly fake and the minute they are with another group they change - it really irritates me when talking to them or witnessing how fake they are.

Thanks for your question :) That’s so frustrating! It’s hard to deal with people who seem fake, especially when you can see right through it. But the good news is, you don’t have to let their behavior get to you. Here are a few ways to handle it: ✨ Don’t take it personally – People who act fake often do it because they want to fit in or be liked by everyone. It’s not about you; it’s about them trying to manage their image. ✨ Decide how much energy you want to give them – If their two-faced behavior irritates you, it might be best to keep your distance. You don’t have to be rude, but you also don’t have to engage more than necessary. ✨ Find your people – Focus on friendships that feel real and mutual. Surrounding yourself with people who are genuine will make it easier to ignore those who aren’t. ✨ Call it out (if you want to) – If it’s really bothering you and you feel comfortable, you could casually say something like, “It’s funny how different you act around different people.” Sometimes just bringing attention to it makes them think twice. At the end of the day, you can’t control how other people act, but you can choose how much space they take up in your head. Try not to let their fakeness ruin your vibe. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

Hi Aunty, there's a group in my year who don't speak to anyone else and judges the way I dress/look. They make me feel alone and sad and seem to think that they are better than everyone else. Is that true and if so, why?

Hello my lovely, I hear you. That sounds really tough, and I want to start by saying: No, they are not better than you. No one is better than anyone else just because of how they dress, who they hang out with, or how much confidence they pretend to have. Girls who act like this often do so because they feel the need to prove something—maybe to themselves, maybe to others. Sometimes, people put others down to lift themselves up. It doesn’t mean they actually have more worth; it just means they’re caught up in their own insecurities and trying to control how they are seen. It’s completely understandable that their behavior makes you feel alone. But I promise you, their judgment says everything about them and nothing about you. You don’t need their approval to be amazing, and you don’t have to change anything about yourself to fit their mold. The best thing you can do is keep being you—because confidence in who you are is more powerful than any clique. And if you’re feeling alone, please know you’re not. There will always be people out there who see you for who you really are and love you for it. Keep looking for those people—they’re the ones who actually matter. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I’m really struggling with a teacher this year. Their way of teaching or speaking to me makes me feel really upset, and I often go home in tears. Is there anything I can do?

Thanks for this question - I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way—it sounds really hard. No one should feel this upset after class, so it’s important to figure out a way to make things easier for you. First, try to pinpoint exactly what’s making you feel this way. Is it the way they give feedback? The way they speak? The pressure of the class? Understanding why might help you decide what to do next. If you feel comfortable, you could try talking to the teacher. Sometimes teachers don’t realise how their words or actions come across, and a conversation could help. You could say something like, "I’m finding it hard in class and feeling quite upset after. Is there a way we can work together to make it better?" If that feels too hard (which is totally understandable), talking to a trusted adult—like another teacher, a school counsellor, or a parent—might help. They can support you in finding a solution. Most importantly, remember that this situation isn’t a reflection of you. You deserve to feel supported in your learning. Sending you big hugs—you’re not alone in this. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I find it hard to remember to use people's pronouns and find it hard to understand trans people. What do I do?

It’s really great that you’re asking this—it shows that you want to understand, and that’s such an important first step. 💛 If remembering pronouns is tricky, try linking them to the person’s name in your mind or practicing using them in sentences when you think about them. It’s okay to make mistakes—what matters is correcting yourself and showing that you care. When it comes to understanding trans people, the most important thing to know is that their experience isn’t about “changing” into someone else—it’s about becoming more themselves. Some people are assigned a gender at birth that doesn’t match how they truly feel inside, and transitioning (whether socially, medically, or both) helps them live in a way that feels right for them. Gender and identity also mean different things in different cultures. Some cultures have long recognised genders beyond just male and female, like the fa’afafine in Samoa, hijra communities in South Asia, or Two-Spirit identities among Indigenous North American cultures. Understanding gender isn’t just about Western ideas—it’s something that has existed in many forms across the world for centuries. Even if you don’t fully relate to someone’s experience, you don’t have to fully understand someone to respect them. Think of it this way: there are probably things about you that others don’t fully understand, but you’d still want them to accept and respect you, right? At the end of the day, inclusivity matters because everyone deserves to feel safe, seen, and valued for who they are. Just being open to listening and learning is already a huge step. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

What does "enthusiastic consent" actually mean, and how do I recognise it?

Great question! ✨ Enthusiastic consent means that both people genuinely want to engage in whatever is happening—not just going along with it, not feeling pressured, but actively wanting to be there. You can recognise enthusiastic consent by looking for clear, excited participation rather than just silence or hesitation. Some key signs: ✅ They say a clear "yes" – This could be verbal (“I really want to”) or through body language (actively engaging, pulling closer, reciprocating). ✅ They seem comfortable and engaged – They aren’t hesitating, freezing up, or looking unsure. ✅ They initiate too – Enthusiastic consent isn’t just agreeing to something—it’s wanting to be part of it and showing that. ✅ They can say no without fear – If someone feels pressured or afraid to say no, that’s not real consent. 🚩 If someone seems unsure, hesitant, or quiet, that’s NOT enthusiastic consent. It’s always okay to pause, check in, and make sure both people actually want to continue. A good rule: If it’s not a clear YES, it’s a NO. 💛 Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

Does it hurt to use a tampon the first time?

Thank you for such a common question! Lots of people find this tricky and worrying the first time, but truly it's fine!! Using a tampon for the first time might feel a little uncomfortable, but it shouldn’t be painful if you’re relaxed and insert it correctly. A lot of discomfort comes from tension—if you're nervous, your muscles tighten, making it harder to insert. Here are some tips to make it easier: Start with a small, slim tampon – A light or regular tampon with an applicator is usually the easiest for beginners. 🔹 Relax – Take a few deep breaths. If you’re tense, it’ll be harder to insert. 🔹 Try a different position – Squatting, sitting on the toilet, or putting one foot on the edge of the bathtub can help. 🔹 Aim correctly – Your vagina isn’t straight up; it’s angled slightly toward your lower back. Insert the tampon in that direction. 🔹 Go slow and be gentle – If it doesn’t go in easily, take a break and try again. 🔹 You shouldn’t feel it once it’s in – If it feels uncomfortable, it might not be in far enough. You can gently push it in a bit more. If tampons feel painful no matter what, don’t force it! Everyone’s body is different, and some people prefer pads or period underwear instead. There’s no right or wrong way to handle your period—just what feels best for you. All the best with this! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm really scared to have sex because I have really bad razor burn and it's really obvious, but I know my boyfriend wants to do stuff down there. What do I do?

Thanks for a great question :) First off, your body is yours, and you don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with—whether that’s having sex or removing hair. If razor burn is making you self-conscious, know that it’s super common and probably not as noticeable as you think. Letting your skin heal, using a gentle moisturizer, or adjusting your shaving routine can help. But also, ask yourself—do you actually want to shave, or are you just feeling pressured to? Body hair is totally natural, and the right person won’t care whether you have it or not. If a boyfriend pressures you over it (or anything else), that’s a sign to step back. Your comfort and choices matter most. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I don't think my friends like me. Every time I ask if they are free over the weekend or if they want to hang out, I'm met with excuses, such as "Oh sorry I'm studying all weekend". If that was occasional that would be fine. But it's EVERY time. People who were talking about just chilling and not doing much over the weekend are suddenly too busy to hang out. I've thought maybe it's just me, maybe they do have stuff on, but even my parents have started to notice and think it's weird. Another thing, is that I'm pretty sure there's a group chat without me. I KNOW there is a group chat with three other members of our group, so one with the four of them isn't out of the question. Our group chat is really silent, like no one ever messages on there.... Maybe I'm mistaken? I don't think I am.

Thank you fo this question - First off, I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way—it sucks to feel like the people you care about might be pulling away. Trust your gut. If this is happening over and over, and even your parents have noticed, it’s not just in your head. It sounds like your friends might not be valuing you the way they should, and that’s painful. If they’re avoiding making plans and there’s possibly a group chat without you, it’s understandable that you’re feeling left out. You deserve friends who actually want to spend time with you—not ones who make excuses or leave you questioning your place in the group. You could try talking to one of them individually—someone you trust the most—just to get some clarity. A simple, “Hey, I’ve noticed I’ve been left out a lot lately, is something up?” can open the conversation. Their response will tell you a lot. But if they dodge the question or don’t seem to care, that’s your answer too. As hard as it is, sometimes friendships change, and people grow apart. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. It just means it might be time to start putting energy into new friendships—ones where you don’t have to wonder if you’re wanted. You deserve friends who make you feel included, not like an afterthought. Lots of love and best of luck to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Hi Aunty, normally my periods are regular, but it's nearly a month late. I haven't been sexually active but I'm still worried. Is this normal? What should I do?

Hello lovely, thanks for this really good question. It's completely normal for your period to be all over the place for a variety of reasons - diet, exercise, stress, hormonal changes.... is there something that has changed recently for you? If you go another month without and are still worried, then checking in with your Dr might be a good way to reassure yourself. Best of luck, Love Aunty Hilda xox

This boy I have been talking to recently has just asked me to have anal sex with him. I am uncomfortable with it and don't see the pleasure in it. What should I do?

Thanks for this question - The most important thing here is that you do not have to do anything you’re uncomfortable with—ever. If you’re not into it, that’s the only reason you need to say no. Your body, your boundaries. If he respects you, he will respect your decision. You can say something like, “That’s not something I’m into, and I don’t want to do it.” You don’t need to explain or justify it further. If he keeps pushing or tries to guilt you, that’s a huge red flag. Someone who truly cares about you will never pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do. It’s also worth asking yourself—does this boy care about your comfort, or is he only focused on what he wants? A good relationship (or even just a good connection) is based on mutual respect, not pressure or expectation. Stand firm in your boundaries, because they matter. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I'm in year 7/8 and my boyfriend is turning 18. I think I'm in love - we met on roblox. Is it wrong?

Thank you so much for this important question. I totally get that this feels real and exciting—you’ve found someone you connect with, and that’s a big deal. But there’s also something really important to think about here: the age gap. You’re in Year 7/8, which means you’re around 11-13 years old, and he’s turning 18, which makes him a legal adult. That’s a huge difference in life experience, maturity, and power. Right now, you’re growing, figuring out who you are, and learning about relationships, while an 18-year-old is legally considered an adult, likely finishing school, getting a job, or even thinking about moving out. Even if he seems nice, there’s a reason why adults being in relationships with much younger people is seen as a red flag—it’s often not an equal, healthy dynamic. A good, mature person would recognise that the gap between you two is too big and would set that boundary themselves. Also, since you met online, it’s really important to be careful. People aren’t always who they say they are on the internet, and older people talking to much younger people online can sometimes be dangerous. If you haven’t already, please talk to a trusted adult about this—someone who can help keep you safe. It’s totally okay to have feelings, but real love should feel safe, equal, and respectful. You deserve to build relationships with people at a similar stage in life to you—people who won’t put you in a situation that could be risky or inappropriate. Best of luck to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I have started to feel insecure. Even though I am always told I am pretty I never believe them. I have started to gain weight and I can't seem to stop eating a lot. I want to feel more comfortable and pretty.

Thank you for this question - First of all, I want you to know that you are not alone in feeling this way. So many people, even those who seem confident on the outside, struggle with insecurities—especially when it comes to looks and body image. It’s really hard when your mind doesn’t let you believe the compliments you receive, but just because you feel a certain way doesn’t mean it’s the truth. Beauty isn’t just about how you look—it’s in how you feel about yourself. And the way you see yourself isn’t always how others see you. This is a time when your body is growing and changing and all the changes seem so strange and at times uncomfortable. If you’ve been eating more and gaining weight, try to be gentle with yourself instead of punishing yourself for it. It means you're listening to your body and what it needs. Sometimes our bodies change because we’re growing, stressed, or just going through a phase. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Try shifting your focus to feeling good in your body—things like moving in ways you enjoy, eating foods that make you feel energised, getting enough sleep, and speaking to yourself the way you’d speak to a friend. Feeling comfortable and pretty starts from within, and I know that sounds cliché, but it’s true. Confidence isn’t about looking a certain way—it’s about accepting yourself and treating yourself with kindness. Maybe try reminding yourself every day: “I don’t have to look like anyone else to be beautiful. I am enough as I am.” Because you are. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My Mum keeps pressuring me to try out for everything, like the production and do everything else, but I don't want to try out for everything. How can I tell her that I don't want to and that I just want to hang out with my friends?

Hi and thanks for your really great question, it's a common experience for many people. It sounds like your Mum really cares about you having new opportunities and experiences and it's true that these can be really rewarding! It sounds like you want to have balance between activities and friend time - is there a way that you can meet somewhere in the middle? Give something a go and see if you can get some friends to go too? Explaining to Mum how you are feeling might help her see where you are coming from too.

I have a friend who has been making me feel like dirt. She blames me for stuff and we always fight. We go to different schools but I still have to see her on weekends. She makes me feel isolated and alone. I don't know how to tell her I don't want to be friends anymore. What should I do? My Mum thinks we are still friends and my "friend" thinks we are still friends too. How do I tell her I don't feel like her friend?

Thanks for your great question. I'm really sorry to hear this is happening, that's a horrible way to feel with someone who should be a friend. Maybe start by telling your Mum how you are feeling - maybe she can help with the weekend contact and make it happen less, or easier to distance yourself? It sounds like a conversation with this person needs to happen. Your feelings in relation to how she is treating you are valid and you are justified in telling her that this is not a friendship where you are being treated as you would expect from a friend. Your friend might not understand stright away - but it's important to stick to your boundaries and have a clear idea about how you expect to be treated. Best of luck to you, Love Aunty Hilda xox

For the last few weeks I've been hooking up with this guy that I met at a party. It's been going well, no strings attached, which works for both of us. A couple of days ago I noticed when I pee it burns A LOT. Stuff was weird down there. I went to the Drs and they told me I have chlamydia. I've still been hooking up with my man because I'm too scared to tell him about it, because he's a huge gossip and will tell others. Also I figure he's already got it anyway.....What should I do?

Thanks for your great question! Good on you for being brave and going to the Dr - that's one of the hardest parts. It's really important that you take the medication from he Dr, because this STI, while very common, can be really problematic if you don't treat it. That means - you also have to ensure that your man takes the meds too - otherwise you will get it back!! It doesn't have to be difficult - and I don't think he'll gossip about this because it implicates him too!! Something like "hey, I've just founbd out I've got chamydia, I think you should get tested too". Simple and to the point. It's really important for your health and wellbeing that you both treat this properly. All the best, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

When I have sex I can't tell the difference between discharge or if I'm wet, or if it's one or the other...

A great question - our bodies are so interesting! Our bodies produce discharge as a natural way to clean the vagina. You might have noticed that it changes throughout your cycle. When you're feeling aroused or turned on, then the body produces lubricant to make sex more comfortable. Our bodies know what to do - so either or, or both doesn't really matter - it's just doing what it should :). Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I think I have that hair pulling disorder and I find it really hard not to pull my hair out because I find it satisfying and my hands need to pull at something or do something, but at the same time, I really want to stop.

Thanks for your great question. This is not an uncommon thing for people to experience - it's called trichotillomani. Finding somehting else to keep your hands busy, in a way that is satisfying is something you could explore - although finding your triggers and stressors is something that might be more useful in the long term. This is something that a counsellor could help you with. Maybe you could reach out to them? This is manageable and you can get the help that you are looking for. Reaching out is the first great step. Best of luck to you, love Aunty Hilda xox

I'm into this person and I know they like me back, but I feel like we need to move on because I don't think it will ever become anything. So even though it will rip my soul apart I need to move on. Am I doing the right thing?

Thanks for this question - this sounds really hard!! I'm wondering why you don't think this is a good idea? Are you trying to protect yourself, or are you afraid of what might happen in the future? That this won't ever become anything, at your age, is quite normal and shouldn't necessarily hold you back from having a positive and enjoyable relationship. You know yourself and your reasons best, and of course you shouldn't do this if it will be harmful in any way. Best of luck to you! Love Aunty Hilda xox

What are some positions my girlfriend and I can try?

Thanks for your great question :) There is a really good website for lesbian and bisexual young women that you can find here at The Proud Trust: - there is heaps of great info. All the best to you both :) love Aunty Hilda xox

Some nudes I sent ages ago got leaked. People have found out - what should I do?

Thanks for your question - I'm really sorry this has happened to you. No one has the right to share your images without your consent. Take control of the narrative - "yes, someone has shared my images without my consent" this stops gossip in that it's out there and you are owning it without shame. The shame belongs with the person who shared it without your knowledge. This is a common issue that many young women face and hopefully the response you get from anyone who finds out will be - "I'm so sorry he did that to you". Stand tall and know that you have done nothing wrong. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm going to a party with heaps of my friends, but I know there are heaps of guys going who are really keen to hook up with girls and have condoms they are taking to the party. I don't want to get wasted and not know what's going on, but I'm not sure I can trust that I won't just get into the party and get wasted anyway. What should I do?

This is such a great question and one that deserves a bit lof a longer answer! Lots of people wonder about these things, which is why I've put a few extra steps here.....It sounds like you already have a strong sense of what you want—to be in control of your night and make choices that align with your values. That’s a great place to start. Here are a few ways to help make that happen: 1. Set Your Intentions Before You Go Decide now what kind of night you want. If your priority is to have fun with your friends and stay in control, remind yourself of that before the party. It can help to actually say it out loud: “I’m going to have a great night, but I want to stay in control.” 2. Bring a Friend on the Same Page If you’re worried about making decisions in the moment, talk to a friend beforehand who feels the same way. You can look out for each other and check in if things start to go sideways. 3. Pace Yourself & Stay Aware If you’re drinking, pace yourself. Alternate with water or a soft drink. Pour your own drinks and keep an eye on them—know what’s in your cup. If you feel pressure to drink more than you want, have a reason ready: “I’m good for now” or “I’m just taking it slow.” 4. Have an Exit Plan Make sure you have a way to get home that doesn’t rely on someone else making choices for you. If things start feeling uncomfortable, have a pre-planned excuse to leave: “I have to be up early” or “I told my parents I’d check in soon.” 5. Trust Your Gut If something feels off, it probably is. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, you don’t owe anyone an explanation—just remove yourself. 6. Remember, You’re in Charge Just because some people are going to the party with a certain plan in mind doesn’t mean you have to go along with it. You get to decide what happens for you. If Things Get Hard in the Moment? If you feel pressure, excuse yourself and find your friend. If someone won’t take no for an answer, that’s their problem, not yours. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, step outside, take a breath, and remind yourself what you wanted for the night. Best of luck for a good, safe and fun night, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I think one of my best friends is replacing me and I don't know what to do because we've been friends since year 7. All of a sudden she's hanging around with with her new bestie and not with me and not texting as much. She's hanging out with her new bestie who she only met this year and it doesn't help they have all their classes together

Thanks for your question - one that I know LOTS of young people struggle with. You're definitely not alone with how this is going for you. It sounds really tough, especially because you’ve been close for so long. It’s completely normal to feel hurt, left out, or even a little jealous when a friend starts spending more time with someone new. Here are a few things that might help: Take a Step Back—But Not Away It might feel like she’s replacing you, but friendships can grow and change without ending. She might be excited about her new friend, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you anymore. Try not to assume the worst before you talk to her about it. Talk to Her (When You Feel Ready) If this friendship matters to you (which it sounds like it does), an honest conversation can help. Try saying something like: “Hey, I miss hanging out like we used to. I know you and ..... have gotten close, and that’s cool, but I don’t want to lose what we have.” Keeping it about your feelings rather than blaming her will help her understand without making her feel defensive. Make Space for Other Friendships Too It’s painful when a close friendship shifts, but it can also be an opportunity to branch out. Are there other people you enjoy hanging out with? Strengthening other friendships can remind you that you’re not alone—and it might even make things feel less intense with your best friend. Try Not to Compare It’s easy to feel like her new friend is somehow better or more interesting, but the truth is, every friendship is different. The bond you have with her is built on years of history, and that’s not something that just disappears. See How Things Play Out Sometimes, these shifts are temporary. If you give her some space while still making an effort to stay connected, things might naturally balance out. If not, and if she keeps distancing herself, then it might be time to focus on friendships that feel more mutual. It’s hard when friendships change, but no matter what happens, this doesn’t define your worth. You deserve friends who appreciate and value you. All the best to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I have a friend in my class who is always asking me to help her with her work. I don't know how to answer all her questions and I don't like her doing this all the time. What should I do?

Hi thanks for your question. It sounds like this is a really disruptive and irritating issue you are trying to manage. It's understandable that you are wondering what to do about this. It might be a good idea to suggest that she asks the teacher for help - it's not your responsibility to help her with her school work. You obviously care about how she's feeling, so maybe you could talk to the teacher about it so that they know your friend needs some more attention. It's ok to say "I need to get on with my own work, maybe you could ask someone else". Best of luck, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Is it possible to get pimples or itchy bites in your vagina? I've had a small bump there that's really itchy and when I've scratched it, it really hurts...

Hi there, thanks for your question. This sounds really irritating! Great to ask about what it might be. It could be an ingrown hair - this is common if people wax or shave and can be painful and annoying. It ususally goes away on it's own, but sometimes you need a Drs help. Soap andand detergent can cause irritation, and thrush, a yeast infection, is definitely an itchy, sore horrible thing to have and requires you to see a Dr for some cream. If this is still affecting you after a week of symptoms, then I would definitely recommend seeing someone. If you are worried about how to get a Drs appointment and talking to your Mum about it, then texting her to say you want to talk to the Dr about some skin irritation could be one way to do it. Best of luck with this, love Aunty Hilda xox

I've recently started my period. I've had multiple experiences where I have bled onto my pants, but I don't bleed through the pad, I bleed out the side - how do I stop it?

Hi there, that's such a great question. It can be really stressful worrying about leaking when you are on your period. There are some great ways to minimise the risk though - period undies, or boxers are great! You can get them at the supermarket. Also, you might like to try using an applicator tampon. They are much easier to learn how to use than a regular tampon. If you have a heavy period you can use more than one option. If it's really heavy you could talk to your Dr about it the next time you are there.

I'm finding it hard to know how to manage my period - one hour it will be nothing and the next it's really heavy. How am I supposed to know how to manage it?

Hi there, thanks for your question. Periods are normally all over the place with how the flow goes. A period is the lining of the uterus coming away - blood that built up in preparation for a pregnancy - but if you don't conceive, then the blood/lining comes away. So it makes sense that it is sometimes heavier and sometimes lighter, because it's coming away at different times. It can be helpful to have something like period undies or a pad on all the time, and change your tampon when needed. Being prepared is key, but luckily there are products here at school for you to use too! there are some great apps you might like to try - stardust, flo, and others you might like to check out. Best of luck to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I've been with my boyfriend 2-3 years now and he's said he wants to take the next step in our relationship ie sex. He said he completely respects my decision whether I want to or not, but I don't want him to break up with me because I don't want to...

Thanks for this really important question. This is such a big decision, and it’s really great that you’re thinking it through carefully. It’s your body, your boundaries, and your choice—no one should pressure you into something you’re not ready for, even indirectly. It’s reassuring that he says he respects your decision, but if you’re feeling like saying no might make him leave, that’s an important red flag to pay attention to. A healthy relationship is built on respect, trust, and understanding—not pressure or fear of losing someone. Be Honest With Yourself – Ask yourself: Do I actually want this? If the answer is no, or even not yet, then that’s completely valid. Your feelings matter. Talk to Him Openly – Since he says he respects your choice, you can have an honest conversation like: “I know you want to take the next step, but I’m just not ready for that yet. I need to know that our relationship isn’t based on this.” “I care about you, but I don’t want to do something just because I feel like I have to.” See How He Responds – A guy who truly cares about you won’t just “respect” your choice in words—he’ll show it in actions by not making you feel guilty, pressured, or like you have to change your mind. Remember That If He Leaves, That’s On Him – It’s not your job to do something you’re uncomfortable with just to keep him. If he breaks up with you because of this, then it means he valued sex over your feelings—which would mean he wasn’t the right person for you anyway. A good partner will want to be with you for who you are, not just what you’re willing to do. And lastly.... You deserve a relationship where you feel safe, loved, and respected without conditions. If he truly respects you, he won’t make you feel like you have to choose between your boundaries and your relationship. And if he does? Then he’s not the right guy for you, no matter how long you’ve been together. All the best, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I just got out of a long term relationship and I'm still trying to figure out how to move on. I ended it because he kept hurting me emotionally and not changing when I gave him chance after chance after chance. We've nearly broken up before and every time I fought for him, but he never fought for me. He didn't want me anymore, he fell out of love . I still love him and think about him every day. I know we're young and there are plenty of other people but I really felt like he was the one. He was my safe place and my comfort, my boyfriend and my best friend. When we hung out it felt so natural, he was like the boy version of me, the only one who's understood me and my problems. On one hand he was disrespectful, hurtful and manipulative. On the other hand he was the sweetest most comforting soul ever. I miss him a lot ever since I've decided to have no contact and time to heal myself. I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing...

Thanks for this great question. It sounds like you’re feeling so many emotions at once, and that’s completely normal after a long-term relationship—especially one where you gave so much of yourself. You made the right decision to walk away, even though it hurts, and even though you still love him. It feels hard now because he was your safe place – Losing someone who felt like home is heartbreaking, even if they also hurt you. It’s natural to crave that comfort again. You fought for him, but he didn’t fight for you – That’s painful, and it makes sense that you feel conflicted. The good memories make you question everything – Just because he had sweet moments doesn’t erase the fact that he also hurt you and didn’t change. You’re grieving – Even though the relationship wasn’t right for you anymore, you’re still losing someone who was a huge part of your life. Are You Doing the Right Thing? Yes. You already answered your own question: he was disrespectful, hurtful, and manipulative. You gave him chance after chance, but he didn’t change. A person who truly values you shows it through actions, not just words or fleeting moments of kindness. Loving someone doesn’t mean you should tolerate being hurt. Love isn’t just feeling safe sometimes—it’s being safe, always. Moving Forward.... Acknowledge the Love Without Letting It Pull You Back – It’s okay to still love him. It’s okay to miss him. But missing someone doesn’t mean they were right for you. Let yourself grieve without romanticising the past. Write a Letter You’ll Never Send – Pour out all your emotions—the good and the bad. Say everything you need to say, then let it go. Focus on Yourself – He was your comfort, but you can become your own safe place. Find things that make you feel happy, supported, and valued—whether it’s hobbies, close friendships, or just taking care of yourself. Remind Yourself Why You Left – Keep a note in your phone of all the times he hurt you. When you start missing him, read it. It’ll remind you that your heart might want him back, but your mind knows better. Trust That You’ll Love Again – It doesn’t feel like it now, but one day, someone will love you the way you deserve—without making you fight for it, without manipulation, without conditions. The fact that you could love this deeply means you’ll love again, even more beautifully. Right now, your heart is aching, but you’re choosing yourself—and that’s one of the bravest things you can do. Keep going, keep healing, and don’t settle for anything less than someone who chooses you back. All the very best to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Help Aunty - I was in a non-dating relationship for two years and then we dated for about a year, but towards the beginning of that year I realised I didn't want to be with someone who couldn't commit from the beginning and kind of made me beg, so I waited for us to have some time alone and I broke up with him. How long should I wait before dating a new guy because I don't want it to feel like the new guy is just being used to get over the other one - even though he's not because the feelings faded quickly. I'm really into this guy and I'm trying to figure out how much time to give it.

Thank you for your great question. It sounds like you are worried about what other people might think the "rules" are. It'sa good idea to think about when to move on to another relationship, because rebound relationships aren't that great. - But you have already doent this and the important this is that you know what you want and why. Talking to the new guy about how you're feeling is always a great idea and will help to dispel any uncertainty and worry you may have. You know what you feel and if anyone has anything to say about it, that's their problem! Best of luck, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I really want to make out with this guy this weekend and have sex - so bad! Why do I feel like that?

That's a great question! It's totally normal to have overwhelming feelings of desire at times, especially in adolescence. I'm just wondering if your desperation is about social pressure and expectation, or if it's something you really want for yourself - sometimes it can be difficult to tell the difference, especially if all our friends are doing "it". Being safe4, physically and emotionally is always the most important thing. AND if you decide in the weekend that you've changed your mind - at any stage during the interaction, then you can stop. That is your right. Most of all, have fun, stay safe and do what is right for you. Best of luck, love Aunty Hilda xox

I like a guy in yr 13 who's at an all boys school and since we live kinda close to each other and our families know each other we get along well and greet each other, but it's difficult to ask for his contact details or develop a relationship where we can become friends. My ultimate goal is to date him, but when I see him, he's so cool that I can't make eye contact and I get nervous and don't talk much. How should I interact with him in order to exchange contact details and once I have done that how do I get closer to him??

Hi there, thanks for a great question! It can be really hard when you have a crush on someone, because it makes you overthink every single thing that you do! It might be a good idea to try saying hi with a smile, and eye contact. It can be really casual when you are all together, or passing. However, if you want to date him, then you might want to be brave and have confidence in yourlself - you did afterall say that you get on well and your families are close. So, talk to him about the things you already know he's interested in. Show an interest. That's always a great start. best of luck, love Aunty Hilda xox

I've recently found out my boyfriend is gay, but I still like him and want to continue our relationship even though he's cheated on me with older guys. We've been together for a few years. What should I do?

Thank you for your really complex and difficult question. This must be a really hard time for you and understandably you are struggling with the idea of losing someone you have spent so much time with. However, we all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us and who we can trust. He might be uncomfortable about other people nowing his sexuality and that is not for anyone else to share, but it's also not your job to be the one he can hide behind. You deserve someone who loves you and respects you. All the best, love Aunty Hilda xox

Im not sure of what gender, I am trigender (non binary, agender and demiboy) but I'm not sure if it's demiboy, demigender or androgyne

HI there, thanks for sharing your question :) It's completely okay to be unsure about your gender identity—it's a journey, and it's okay if your understanding of yourself shifts over time. From what you’ve described, trigender means you experience three genders, which can be fluid or coexist in different ways. The specific labels you’re considering—demiboy, demigender, and androgyne—each have slightly different meanings: Demiboy: Partially identifying as a boy/man but not entirely. You may feel connected to masculinity but not fully aligned with it. Demigender: A broader term for partially identifying with a gender (e.g., demiboy, demigirl, deminonbinary). Androgyne: Often describes a mix of masculine and feminine identities, or a gender that exists between them. Since gender is personal, you don’t have to rush to pick the "right" label—it's about what resonates with you. Some people try different terms over time, while others prefer not to use labels at all. If you feel like trigender fits but you're still figuring out the specifics, that’s totally valid. All the best, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I have a friend I love to bits - she's confident, colourful and amazing, but at school she has faces so much bullying/exclusion/ hate/talking behind her back etc. I've just come to assume they are jealous. They are always kind to me but disrespect her right in front of me. I don't want to barge in, but how do I make them stop or self reflect? I like my peers and I want them to like me, but I don't know how to approach this!

Thanks for your really important question - this is a long answer, because we can all do better than this! This is such a tough situation, and it’s really great that you want to stand up for your friend while also maintaining good relationships with your peers. It’s not easy to balance, but you can make a difference. Step 1: Show Unwavering Support for Your Friend Even if you can’t stop the bullying immediately, your friend needs to know she’s not alone. Make it clear, both in private and in front of others, that you respect and appreciate her. Simple things like: Sitting with her when others exclude her Laughing at her jokes when people ignore them Defending her when people make comments (without being aggressive) This reinforces that she has value, no matter what others say. Step 2: Call It Out in a Non-Confrontational Way You don’t have to start an argument to make people reflect on their behaviour. Sometimes, a simple “Why would you say that?” or “That’s a bit harsh, don’t you think?” makes people second-guess their actions. Or: Redirect the conversation: If someone makes a mean comment, say, “Anyway…” and move the convo forward. Use humour: “Wow, that was a lot of energy for someone who ‘doesn’t care’ about her.” Point out double standards: “You’re all nice to me, so why treat her differently?” The goal isn’t to make them defensive but to make them pause and reflect. Step 3: Set Boundaries with Your Peers If they only act like this when she’s around, you could say something in private like: “I really like hanging out with you all, but it bothers me when you treat [friend] this way.” “I don’t get why you dislike her, but I do, and I don’t want to feel like I have to choose between my friends.” This keeps the conversation about your feelings rather than attacking them, which makes them more likely to listen. Step 4: Create a More Inclusive Atmosphere Exclusion and bullying often thrive on group dynamics—if one person starts to change the tone, others follow. If you consistently include your friend and act like it’s normal, it signals to others that their behaviour is out of line. For example, if she’s being left out of plans, invite her and act like it’s natural rather than asking permission from the group. Step 5: Keep Checking In with Your Friend Even if the bullying continues, knowing she has you will make a huge difference. If she’s struggling, encourage her to talk to someone—maybe a trusted teacher, counsellor, or another supportive friend. At the end of the day, it’s about staying true to your values. You don’t have to pick a fight, but you also don’t have to stay silent. It takes courage to challenge this kind of behaviour, but by standing up for her, you’re also showing your peers a better way to be. Best of luck! We are all so much better together. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I think my boyfriend's gay.... ever since we dated he showed signs of being queer and I just can't get it out of my mind. How can I get him comfortable enough to make him come out to me? I don't want it to be awkward afterwards and I still want us to be friends.

Thanks for your question - This must be a difficult thing for you to be wondering about. It’s totally understandable that you’re picking up on certain signs and wondering what they mean. But rather than focusing on whether your boyfriend is gay, the real question is whether he’s being honest with you about his feelings in your relationship. At the end of the day, his sexuality is his journey, and it’s not your place to push him to come out if he’s not ready. But you do deserve honesty about your relationship. If you feel like something is off—like he’s not romantically interested in you—then it’s okay to have a conversation about that. Instead of asking him directly about his sexuality, try focusing on your relationship and how you feel: “Hey, I feel like something has been off between us. I just want to know if you’re happy in this relationship.” “You don’t have to tell me anything you’re not ready for, but if there’s something on your mind, I’d rather know than keep guessing.” This way, you’re giving him space to be honest about his feelings without putting pressure on him to label anything before he’s ready. If he’s not attracted to you or doesn’t feel the same way, that’s something you have a right to know—no matter the reason. The most important thing is to approach it with care and respect. If he is questioning things, knowing that you support him no matter what will mean a lot. Best of luck to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Hi Aunty, I really want to do athletics day, but my friends aren't signing up for anything and I don't want to seem weird... what should I do??

Hi! Good on you for wanting to have fun!! There are heaps of students who are signing up for athletics day to feel the fun of participation and house team spirit! I know it's hard to feel like you're doing something alone or standing out in a weird way from your friends - but honestly, this is one of those times where they will miss out on all the benefits you will get from joining in. Go for it and enjoy yourself! You'll also show them that it's not weird, it's a great thing to be doing. Good luck and have a great day!! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm in year 12 and I really want to be head girls - but so does my best friend and don't want to make them sad or resent me for being head girl when I konw they really wanted it too. I know you'll say "if you're best friends then they'll be fine about it" butI'm still anxious because they mean a lot to me and I don't know how I'd manage if I lost them as a friend.

Hi there - thanks for your really relevant question. It’s completely understandable to feel torn, but remember: your best friend’s feelings are not your responsibility to manage. True friendship isn’t about stepping aside to keep the other person happy—it’s about supporting each other even when things don’t go our way. If you both go for it, you’re showing confidence in yourselves, and that’s a good thing. If you get it, be kind, acknowledge their feelings, and remind them that your friendship is bigger than a title. If they’re truly your friend, they’ll process it and still be there. And if not? Then maybe the friendship wasn’t as solid as you thought. You deserve to go for what you want without guilt. I'd definitely try having a conversation about how you're both feeling so if this is an issue next year, you've already done the prep! Good luck! Lots of love, Aunty HIlda xoxox

I'm into this girl and even though she hasn't told me she's into me I know she is. HOw do I encourage her to make a move? - YOU'RE AMAZING AND HAVE NO COMPETITION! I've tried chill-y flirting with her and I feel like one of the messages on here was from her, but I don't know how to sort of push her into a situation where her feelings are more clearly on display and she's encouraged to make a move......

Hi there - you've got great instincts, it really does sound like she's into you too! If you’re feeling it, why wait for her to make the move when you can? If you’re confident she’s into you, you can take the lead in a way that feels natural and exciting. Try something direct but playful, like "So, are we going to keep pretending we don’t have a thing, or are we actually going to do something about it?" or "I feel like we both know what’s up here—should I just make this official and ask you out?" If she’s shy or unsure, taking the pressure off can help— Either way, you’re in control of your own story! Good luck! LOts of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm a senior, and a junior is hitting on me, asking me out in an awkward way - how do I let them know in a gentle way that I'm not interested and they should stop? They can like me, but I feel a bit lowkey uncomfy....

Hi there - thanks for this great question. It's not uncommon for younger students to look up to older ones and find them amazing in lots of ways! But I totally get why this feels awkward—you want to be kind, but also set a clear boundary. Try something direct but gentle, like: “Hey, I really appreciate that, but I see you more as a little sibling than anything else. I’m not comfortable with you asking me out, so I need you to please stop that. This keeps it respectful but firm, making it clear that while their feelings are valid, they need to back off. If they keep pushing, you don’t need to justify yourself—just repeat, “I’ve already said no, and I need you to respect that.” You’re not responsible for their feelings, just your boundaries. Sometimes it can feel really difficult to communicate our needs clearly because we don't want to upset the other person, but it's really important to practice saying what we mean and feel. Good luck! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Aunty why do you edit the messages before they go on the website? My friends and I have put messages on here and you've really edited them and it makes it sound like you're making them up - I dunno it makes it feel all super perfect and sanitary and like there's no actual human behind it.

Hi! and thank you for your honest and helpful question!! I'm really sorry to hear that you feel like I've taken the human component out of questions - It's true that sometimes I do edit them, if they are really long (some of them are REALLY long) or if there are things in the question that would identify the person or who they are talking about. I try and make this really SAFE for everyone and ensure that no one starts guessing who it might be etc. Sometimes there are two or three questions that are very similar, so I kind of create one question out of those instead of repeating..... I really hope that you feel seen and heard and I really try to stick to the questions as they are, as much as possible. Let me know how you think it's going!! Thanks for letting me know, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm really into this girls and when we are together she's really receptive. She bantering playfully and joking and blushing and time goes really fast. But when we are around other people she's normal... not bantering, just sort of being there. Rather than getting closer over time we're getting further apart and we do have fun, just not the same. She's still happy to see me, but it's gone from YAAY to yay. Do you think she's into me? was she ever? Has we gone from possible lovers to best buddies or do you think I'm slowly getting over her and realising this is how it always was and I was just making it bigger than it was... What do I do? Anxious wreck...

Hi there, thanks for your question - it's a tough spot to be in! It sounds like you’re caught in a confusing in-between, and that’s hard. Based on what you’ve said, there are three possibilities: 1. She was into you but pulled back—maybe she got nervous, uncertain, or isn’t ready for something more. 2. She liked the attention but not in a romantic way—flirty energy can be fun without deeper feelings behind it. 3. You’re seeing things more clearly now—sometimes we get caught up in the excitement, and when that fades, we realise it was more about the idea of them. What to do? Trust the energy she’s giving you now, not just what she gave before. If she’s cooling off, don’t chase—match her energy. If you still want clarity, a simple, playful “Hey, did we just friendzone each other without realising, or is there still something here?” could give you an answer. Either way, you deserve someone who’s all in, not just sometimes in. Best of luck to you!! lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Is doing a long distance relationship as a younger person healthy for you or should you explore other options?

HI, this is a great question :) Long-distance can work, but it’s hard—especially when you’re still figuring out who you are and what you want. It takes trust, effort, and solid communication, and even then, it can feel lonely or limiting. It’s not bad for you, but ask yourself: Is this making me happy or just stressing me out? Am I growing as a person, or do I feel stuck waiting? Would I turn down new experiences just to keep this going? If it’s making you feel fulfilled, go for it. If it’s holding you back, it’s okay to let go and see what else life brings. You don’t have to prove your love by struggling through distance—love should make your world bigger, not smaller. best of luck! lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I think I'm pansexual - Am I too young to like a girl and have a sexuality?

Hi and thanks for your great question! You’re not too young to know who you are or to have feelings for someone. Sexuality isn’t something that appears overnight—it’s something we grow into and understand over time. Some people know from a really young age, and others take longer to figure it out. Both are completely okay. Liking girls (or anyone) at your age is just as normal as a girl who has a crush on a boy. You don’t need to have all the answers right now—your identity is yours to explore, and it’s okay if it evolves and changes. The most important thing? Give yourself the space to feel what you feel, without pressure to label it too quickly. We often jump to conclusions and make statements and labels, when that isn't necessarily helpful. Good luck and lots of love to you :) Aunty Hilda xox

I want to ask a girl to be my valentine....How do I not be ashamed of who I am?

Thanks for your question - I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling uncomfortable about who you are....Feeling ashamed of who you are often comes from messages—sometimes loud, sometimes quiet—that tell you you’re different in a way that isn’t okay. But here’s the truth: there is nothing wrong with you. The shame you feel isn’t yours—it’s something the world teaches, and you don’t have to carry it. Loving who you love isn’t something to apologise for. The fear of rejection or judgment is real, but it doesn’t mean you’re wrong—it means society still has a lot of catching up to do. And that’s not on you. If you feel shame, ask yourself: Whose voice is this? Where did I learn to feel like this part of me is something to hide? Then remind yourself: You are not a mistake. You are not alone. You deserve to take up space exactly as you are. Asking someone to be your Valentine isn’t about proving anything—it’s about choosing joy over fear, and that’s a beautiful act of self-trust. No matter how she responds, you’re stepping into who you are, and that’s powerful. Best of luck to you! LOts of love, Aunty HIlda xox

How do I give my boyfriend a blow job so that he enjoys it?

Thanks for asking this question - This is a really personal topic, and the most important thing to remember is that your comfort and boundaries matter just as much as his pleasure—if not more. If you’re asking this because you want to, that’s one thing. But if you feel like you should or that it’s expected, pause and check in with yourself. If you do choose to, communication is key. You’re not a mind reader, and he’s not expecting you to be. Ask what he likes, go at your own pace, and pay attention to what feels comfortable for you, too. But honestly? If he cares about you, he’ll be way more into you being into it, rather than some perfect technique. That said, if you’re feeling pressured, unsure, or not 100% into it, that’s a huge sign to step back. You are never responsible for someone else’s pleasure at the cost of your own comfort. Good sex is all about communication - best of luck! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I'm into this person, but I think they find me annoying - how can I be more chill?

Hi, thanks for your question :) First off—don’t shrink yourself to be “less annoying.” If someone truly likes you, they’ll like you for who you are, not a watered-down version. That said, if you’re feeling like you’re coming on too strong, try: Matching their energy. If they’re more low-key, ease into their vibe instead of overcompensating. Giving them space. Sometimes less is more—see if they engage more when you take a step back. Being confident in your own presence. People are drawn to those who feel secure in themselves. Instead of focusing on how they see you, focus on how you feel when you're around them. If they really do find you annoying, then maybe they’re just not your person—and that’s okay. You deserve to be around people who love you for exactly who you are. All the best! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I only like people romantically when they don't like me back. IDK what to do.....

Thanks for this great, not so uncommon question - It’s great that you’ve noticed this pattern, it shows a great level of self-awareness. Here are some possible reasons this might be happening: The Thrill of the Chase: Liking someone who doesn’t like you can feel exciting or mysterious. Fear of Vulnerability: It can feel safer emotionally to avoid the risks of a mutual relationship. Self-Worth and Validation: You might subconsciously seek validation by “proving” your worth to someone who isn’t interested. To work through this, try reflecting on why mutual feelings might make you uncomfortable. Challenge any beliefs that relationships should be a “chase,” and remind yourself that healthy, mutual connections are about partnership, not proving yourself. Finally, give people who like you a chance—you deserve someone who values you just as much as you value them. Lots of love and luck, Aunty Hilda xoxox

This girls keeps following me and my friend. I don't want to be mean, but I've had enough. Please help.

Thanks for your question - It sounds like this situation is making you uncomfortable, and it’s okay to feel that way. Here’s how you might try to handle it without being mean: Try talking to her in a calm and kind way. For example, you could say, “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been spending a lot of time around us. Sometimes we just want some space to hang out as a pair. I hope that’s okay.” This sets a boundary without being hurtful. If it feels right, you could invite her to join you and your friend once in a while. She might just be looking for connection, and including her sometimes could help her feel less left out. If talking doesn’t change things, try creating a bit of distance. For example, sit somewhere else at lunch or take a different route between classes. This can send the message without being confrontational. If she still doesn’t respect your boundaries, it’s okay to talk to a trusted adult at school for advice. They can help you navigate this without it turning into a bigger problem. Remember, you can be kind and respectful while standing up for what you need. Setting boundaries is not mean—it’s healthy. Best of luck, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Do guys ever date girls with extra body fat? I am a bit chubby but I do heaps of sports but can't seem to shake it. Others comment on it in a negative way - a lot. Guys seem to be interested over message, but never in person, so I'm just wondering if that is what the problem is?

Thanks for reaching out with this question - First of all, I’m really sorry people have made negative comments about your body. That’s unfair and hurtful, and it says more about them than it does about you. Your body doesn’t define your worth, and there’s no one "right" way to look to be deserving of respect or love. To answer your question: yes, absolutely, guys date girls with all different body types, including those with extra body fat. Attraction is about so much more than size—personality, confidence, and connection play a huge role. It’s also worth thinking about the kind of people you want in your life. If someone judges you based solely on your body, they’re not someone worth your time or energy. You deserve to be around people who appreciate you for you—your talents, your humour, your kindness, and everything that makes you unique. As for guys seeming interested over messages but not in person, that could be about a lot of things. It might not even be about you—it could be about their own insecurities or fear of what others think. But that’s not something you can control, and it’s not your responsibility to change yourself for anyone. Focus on what makes you feel good—whether it’s sports, friends, or things you enjoy—and the right people will come into your life who see how amazing you are just as you are. best of luck to you and lots of love, Aunty HIlda xoxox

Help! I'm into this girls and I feel like the way she looks at me is special - but then I see her looking at other people the same way! She seems to like hugs from me (even though she says she's not into hugs). Do you think she might feel a little bit the same and how do I test this??

Thanks for a great question. It sounds like you’ve picked up on some mixed signals, which can definitely be confusing! The way she looks at you or enjoys your hugs (even if she’s “not into hugs”) could mean she feels a connection—but it’s not a guarantee. People can sometimes behave warmly without it being romantic. At the same time, her actions show she values your presence, which is a good sign! Maybe pay her a casual compliment, like “I really like hanging out with you,” or “You’re fun to be around.” See how she responds—does she smile or seem to enjoy hearing it? Positive feedback is a good sign. Watch how she interacts with others. If her hugs or looks toward you seem different from how she treats others, it might suggest she feels something more.... If possible, try spending time with her one-on-one. It can give you both a chance to connect without distractions and see if there’s something deeper. And maybe when the moment feels right, you could say something like, “I really like spending time with you. Do you think there’s something more between us?” It takes courage, but it’s the clearest way to find out how she feels. If it turns out she doesn’t feel the same, it’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong, and you’ll learn and grow from the experience. But if she does feel something, taking this step could bring you closer. Good luck! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I've been spending a lot of time online and meeting people there, mostly guys. Over the last while they've asked me to send them nudes and now they are threatening me to do really inappropriate things with them on video calls or they'll leak my pictures. I don't know what to do. Please help

Thank you for reaching out with this really important safety question. I’m so sorry you’re going through this—it’s a really scary and overwhelming situation, but you don’t have to face it alone. Take a deep breath. This is not your fault. The people threatening you are trying to make you feel powerless, but there are steps you can take to regain control. No matter what they say or how much they pressure you, do not send more photos or do what they’re demanding. Giving them what they want will only make things worse, not better. It's important to talk to talk to someone you trust—a parent, school counsellor, or another adult who can help you. It might feel embarrassing, but they’re there to protect and support you. They can help you take action and keep you safe. Block the person on all platforms immediately. Most social media apps and websites have ways to report this kind of behaviour. If you’re not sure how, ask someone you trust or look up guides for the platform you’re using. This is serious and illegal. What they’re doing is called sextortion, and the police are there to help protect you. Reporting it might feel intimidating, but it’s an important step to stop them from hurting you or others. This situation can feel really heavy, and you deserve support. Talk to a counsellor or someone who can help you process your feelings and get through this. You don’t have to carry this alone. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

On my first day of school this year I fell in love with a boy on the bus. It was love at first sight. We live in the same area and we have chatted a little bit, but the conversation didn't develop beyond that. How can I open up a conversation with a 17 year old boy??

Thanks for a great question - That sounds like an exciting crush! Starting a conversation with someone you like can feel nerve-wracking, but it doesn’t have to be complicated. Being authentic is the best way to make a real connection. You don’t need a perfect line—just show genuine interest in him. Sometimes a simple “Hey, how’s it going?” is all you need to start a great conversation. If he seems a bit shy or doesn’t respond much at first, don’t get discouraged. Building a connection takes time, and even short chats can lead to longer conversations as he gets more comfortable. You’ve already got a great starting point by chatting a little and living in the same area. Trust yourself and take it one step at a time—he might just be waiting for you to make the first move! Best of luck! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

How do I know I'm in a one sided crush and how friendly can you be before someone realises you're into them?

Thanks for a great question! It' can be so rough not knowing if someone likes you... So - How to Tell if It’s One-Sided - Do They Show Interest? Do they start conversations with you, ask you questions, or seem genuinely curious about your life? If they only respond politely but don’t seem eager to keep the conversation going, it could mean their feelings aren’t the same. Pay attention to their body language. Are they looking at you when you’re talking, smiling a lot, or leaning in when you’re around? These can be signs they enjoy your company. If they seem distracted or uninterested, it might be more one-sided. Sometimes it’s hard to tell if they’re being kind and friendly just to you or if that’s how they are with everyone. If they act the same way around other people, their friendliness might not mean romantic interest. If they’re giving you mixed signals—like being super nice one moment but distant the next—it might mean they’re unsure about their feelings. This doesn’t mean they’re not interested, but it can be confusing to navigate. f you’re worried about being too obvious, think about how much effort you’re putting in compared to them. If you’re always initiating conversations or making plans, try stepping back a little and see if they make an effort too. If it feels like your crush isn’t reciprocating, that’s okay. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you—sometimes feelings just don’t match up. Focus on being yourself, and remember that the right connection will happen when it’s mutual. You’re doing a great job being thoughtful about your feelings and how you interact. Crushes can be tricky, but they’re also a chance to learn more about what you want in a relationship. Best of luck to you! LOts of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My question is referring to a previous question about girls 'not respecting boundaries'. (See Q further down) Is the purpose of this website not to create less taboo around sex and relationships? If there are people who look down on other girls and judge them for opening up about their experiences, is that not defeating the purpose of Aunty Hilda?If talking and sharing is our power, then why are there girls who find it impure and repulsive to talk about these subjects and feel the need to repress our right to speak on these matters all over again?

Thank you for a fantastic and well thought out question. I couldn't agree with you more - we need to be having conversations, talking and sharing and removing the taboo about aspects of femininity and sexuality. I think the last person was talking about the way that the talking was taking place - private details being shouted across the lunchroom etc. My thought here is that does the other person being talked about in public know about it and have they given consent for private and intimate things to be shared? As with any topic, we need to be mindful of how we make others feel and ensure that we are respectful of everyone being spoken about and those who can hear. I love your passionate response and the way that you believe in our right for sexual freedom - whatever that might look like. For some people that means they don't want anything to do with sex, which is also a right to their sexual freedom in this case. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Love it! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I'm finding it really hard. I've heard so many stories from friends in my year where they have 'sex' but don't remember anything. They were very drunk, passed out, sometimes pressured, coerced, forced and worse. But it's the most normalised thing ever. I try to tell them that it's not right but then everyone says it's normal, but I know it's not. I try to be an active bystander and step in from time to time, but my friends tell me I'm being overkill. What do I do??

Thank you for your question about a really challenging topic. Sex and relationships can be really difficult - not only because they can be tricky to navigate, but because the things that are expected of us, or the ways we think we should be behaving are often not the things we feel comfortable with. The things you describe are not ok - having sex without being able to consent, means that someone has taken advantage of a persons vulnerability and has therefore committed an offence (in legal terms). In real life, it means that people can feel really gross, violated, confused, used and humiliated. I wonder who benefits from these things being 'normal'? When things are normalised, then the people who complain are often seen as the ones with the problem. THAT is a big problem! I think it's really important for the young women to be able to talk about how they feel about what happened in a safe way - if they say it wasn't ok, are they afraid someone will blame them for being drunk/a slut/ asking for it etc.... And what will the boys say if she complains about what happened to her?? These issues are serious and wrong and you are right to be concerned. Sex and consent is a lot more than just being "into it". Women consent to sex for all kinds of reasons that have nothing to do with actually wanting to have sex - like social pressure, wanting to be liked by the boy, not wanting to be seen as a 'prude' starting something and getting pressure to continue..... We need to support each other to be able to say how we really feel and not pretend that we are ok with sexual assault being normal. We can do so much better than this. Thank you for your question and keep having the conversations. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Why does the person I like be really receptive (especially when we are on our own) and sometimes shuts everyone out and is really unreceptive. Do you think they like me or not? I'm sick of being hot, cold, maybe....

Hi and thanks for your question. This is such a horrible feeling - being in the dark about how someone feels about you, especially when you really like them. There have been a lot of questions about boys (you haven't mentioned if this person is boy/girl/non-binary, so I'm making a general statement here about other questions) - but it's often said how boys are really nice with a girl and then turn into someone else when they're with their mates. Which version of them is true? and which version of them can you trust? In your case, it feels like you're being dragged around by someone else's whims and you don't know where you stand. That's a horrible place to be. The hard but necessary thing here is to have a straight up conversation. Find out for sure so you can get on with your life, either with, or without them as a special love interest. All the very best. You deserve it. Lots of love to you, xoxoxox

I feel like I'm settling for my boyfriend because I can't be with the person I really love, but I don't want to feel like I'm using him. What should I do?

Hey - ouch that sounds really hard. Not being able to be with the one you truly want to be with is a horrible and challenging feeling. It doesn't mean that you can't also have really strong feelings for the person you are with, but it sounds like that's not really the case? Being with someone to fill a gap for someone else isn't doing either of you any favours. What might it be like to be single and figure out some more about yourself in the mean time? You don't owe anyone anything - but you do owe it to yourself to be honest with yourself, and give yourself the best chance at getting to know who you are without someone who isn't the right person confusing the situation. And for your boyfriend to be able to find the right person for him, rather than being in something that isn't what he thinks it is. Being alone can seem scary or sometimes there's a lot of pressure to be in a relationship. Do what's right for you. All the best and lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda, xoxox

I might be pregnant and my boyfriend thinks it's his, but I cheated on him multiple times. How do I have that conversation with him?

Hi there, that sounds like a tricky situation to be in. I hope you are getting the support you need around the possible pregnancy - Sexual Wellbeing Aotearoa - Level 7/10 George Street, Central Dunedin, Dunedin (ph)07 810 6610 are a great place to go for free advice and consultations. Having open and honest conversations can be difficult, but it's always a good idea. Your boyfriend deserves to know that he is not in an exclusive relationship, and you deserve to be able to do what is right for you without feeling guilty and stuck. Talking with your boyfriend about what it is that you both want and need from the relationship might help you decide to change the parameters of your partnership, or decide to move on. Either way, this is a great time to have a real conversation together. Best of luck to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

What do i do if my boyfriend tried to give me oral sex (go down on me, eat me out), but I got scared and stopped him?

Hi there and thanks for your great question! heterosexual oral sex is a very interesting thing when we compare it between guys and gals. You might have noticed or heard, that guys want it and talk about it and girls often think that is something they should give or do. Guys in general are really familiar and comfortable with their penis - they can see it, (and see each others) they have easy access to it and hold it often - like going for a pee as well as masturbating. Girls on the other hand generally have a very different relationship with their genitals. We can't see them and we don't have to touch them for anything (like peeing). Girls are often worried about "what it's like down there" and feel embarrassed - does it smell funny, does it look weird? And because we can't see what other girls' labia and and clitoris and vagina opening look like (when we're getting change together etc you can't see anything except the mons pubis (The fleshy mound in front of your pubic bone that grows pubic hair). So! That can make it really uncomfortable and anxiety inducing if a guy wants to put his face there! But here's the thing - every single one of us looks different down there, so that's not an issue. Our vaginas are self cleaning, which is pretty amazing, but showering regularly is important to wash away the general sweaty day to day situation. The clitoris is the female pleasure spot (The little fleshy pea-sized nub that sits under a fold of skin called the clitoral hood, just at the top of the vulva just above where the inner labia (the folds of skin) meet. This is a really important part of sexual pleasure for a female and the clitoros needs to stimulated, by fingers - or a tongue - in order for a woman to be able to achieve orgasm. (A small percentage of women only need penis in vagina stimulation, but this is rare, like about 10%). So my advice to you would be get to know your won body first - look in a mirror, notice how things feel and make friends with your own bits. If you feel comfortable with them, you won't need to feel worried about what someone else thinks. Best of luck! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

How do I lose feelings FAST? I'm into someone who is never going to be into me, so how do I stop liking them?

Thank you for a great question - I'm really sorry you are experiencing this. It's a very normal, but very painful thing to go through. THere are a few things you can do to help yourself in this situation - 1. Limit the contact you have with this person, either irl or oonline, try and avoid seeing them. Keep focussed with other things - hobbies and activities that matter to you and remind you of who you are. You're already doing great because you have acknowledged that the feelings won't be coming back your way. It's painful but an important part of protecting yourself and being able to move on. Talking with friends or journalling your thoughts can help your process what you're going though and help you ove on. Thinking about what is possible for you and what you can do and have (rather than what you can't) is also a mental shift that can help you let go. And finally, be kind to yourself, priorotise your wellbeing and give yourself care and time. It'll happen, just not overnight. Best of luck to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

Whenever I think about this person not liking me or liking me back, or someone else liking them, I feel like I'm going to vomit. Am I sick?

Thank you for your great question. I'm so sorry you are going through this - It's very common to feel big emotions and a really horrible feeling. Please know you are not sick and it will pass. It sounds like there are lots of things going on for you and you might want to reflect on what they are - are you afraid of rejection or worried about judgement and what might this intense anxiety mean? Pausing and thinking about whether this is coming from internal expectations or past experiences of rejection might be helpful. Finding ways to ground and calm yourself, like deep breathing and grounding yourself in the present moment could all be helpful ways to manage. Reaching out to someone to talk to about this might also be a good idea. Take care, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I feel really uncomfortable by the way my "friends" are treating me. They make me cry at school sometimes and I don't feel safe going to school. I don't know what to do.

Thank you for your question. I'm really sorry to hear that your friends are treating you this way. Sadly this can be a common experience for some girls, but it is never ok. Is there anyone else in the group that you might be able to talk to about how you are feeling? Maybe one of the group is someone you can confide in? Otherwise, it's a really good idea to seek out an adult, like the counsellor or a trusted teacher and talk about this more. Telling them doesn't mean they will do anything without you saying it's ok first. Remember that there are other people who you could be friends with, without needing to stay with people who treat you badly. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

I'm feeling really uncomfortable about how some girls are behaving in the lunchroom, talking about private relationship things, comparing private details and singling out girls and making fun of things they have said. Lots of them are underage too. What can be done about this?

Thanks for your question, it sounds like some people have forgotten to be respectful of their partners, others and their surroundings. It sounds like you are feeling really uncomfortable with this, which is a valid thing to be feeling. It would be a good idea to talk about this in confidence with your dean, or with your school counsellor, so that something can be done in a more general sense. Everyone needs to understand there are boundaries about how people are spoken about and relationship details should be private, in order to respect them when they are not there. Best of luck discussing this with someone else who can help. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

How do I break up with a long distance partner of years?

Hello, and thanks for asking a question about a big decision and feeling. Breaking up is never easy, and long distance doesn't necessarily make it any easier. Make sure you try and do it face to face, or on video call. Texting is not really ok.... Respect, clarity and empathy are important for both of you, so be clear about your thoughts and feelings, and kind in the delivery. Because long distance relationships are all about communication, be prepared for your partner to have an emotional reaction, especially if they didn't see this coming. Thinking about how to manage the post break up communication and having clear boundaries around how you want to manage this is a good thing to have thought through and then discuss to have some agreement. Best of luck to you, with lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

How can you tell if a friend is fake?

Hi, thanks for your question. Friendships can be complicated, but there are some signs a friend may be fake - They might show inconsistent support and only be there for you when it suits them. A healthy friendship is all about give and take, but a fake friend will take more than they give. They often don't show any interest in you or your experiences or feelings, and instead only talk about themselves or reach out to you when they need something. They might be jealous or put you down a lot, or gossip about you, and only be around when there's fun to be had. They might compete with you instead of work with you and if you've shared any vulnerabilities with them, they might share these with others and use them against you.... I hope this helps. LOts of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Why do I randomly start crying? I'll be reading something and then just burst into tears?? Most people say "oh you're just hormonal, but do I really want to be boiled down to just some chemicals in my brain?

Hi there, thanks for your great question. Sometimes crying can feel really annoying, especially when it seems inconvenient! It can make you feel fragile and embarrassed, but crying is really important for lots of reasons. Tears have a chemical in them that brings you back to balance. When we are angry, hysterically laughing, sad, frustrated, these are all reasons for us to start crying and every time it soothes us. Crying is a great way to release tension - some people learn to love how it recalibrates their emotional state. Love your tears! They are your friend :) Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Are there actually any guys out there like in books, or is that just fiction? I hope it's not....

Hey, that's such a good question. Hmmmm, I'm assuming you mean the gorgeous, attentive, romantic, kind, prince-like, smooth, perfect in every way guy?? Sadly there is no such thing as a perfect human and while there are definitely lovely people out there, everyone has their faults and the experiences and family impacts that complicate how they behave under pressure. It's normal to fantasise about the perfect partner. Best of luck! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My Mum is so protective sometimes. She doesn't like me hanging out at the mall with my friends and my curfew is way earlier than most people. What should I do?

Hi thanks for your great question. I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling so confined and missing out on doing things with your friends. It sounds like your Mum maybe doesn't know who this is making you feel, or maybe there is a reason for her to be worried? If you haven't tried talking to your Mum about this, then now would be a really great time to sit down and share your thoughts. Best of luck to you with this, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

How do I know if someone likes me? Like sure fire ways- are they more smily when I'm around and laugh lots? I know your other posts mention these things, but I just DON"T KNOW!

Thanks for your great question. It's really hard when we doubt ourselves and overthink the evidence! Here are a few pointers: An open posture, relaxed and interested. Leaning in, showing engagement. Touching, light casual touching on the shoulder, arm or back. Prolonged eye contact, compliments, active listening, playful teasing, nervousness, fidgeting and seeking opportunities to spend time with you. Acts of kindness and protectiveness. I hope this helps!! Best of luck, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

My boyfriend wants our relationship to be polyamorous, he keeps hinting that we should bring in another person and for some reason won't stop talking about my ex boyfriend. I don't want to break up with him, but I'm starting to think he wants a relationship with my ex boyfriend. What should I do?

Thank you for your question. It sounds like this is a confusing and challenging situation for you. My first question is are you happy opening up your relationship at all? Is that something you want to do? Secondly, your ex boyfriend is probably an ex for a reason. It might be a really good idea to have an open and honest conversation with him about what it is he is really wanting. This needs some communication for sure. Best of luck, love Aunty Hilda xoxox

My Dad is in a new relationship and every night when I stay at their house I hear them having sex in the room next door and it's really loud! It makes me feel really uncomfortable but I don't want to have that awkward conversation with my Dad.....

Thank you for reaching out with this problem you're having. It is not a comfortable experience listening to your parents/a parent having sex. They are doing something positive in their relationship, however, you are allowed to feel comfortable in your bedroom too. Getting some change to happen here is going to require some bravery from you! Maybe you could hint at the fact that you're not sleeping well and that you are often awake at their place... Or maybe you could send Dad a text and let him know that it's an awkward conversation you don't want to have, but you'd like him to know. If they don't know, they won't change, so you'll need to take a deep breath and have a courageous conversation!! Best of luck to you, love Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

I'm confused by some people wanting to use pronouns of Zi and Zir. What does that mean?

Hi, thanks for your great question :) Zi (or Ze) and Zir are gender neutral pronouns, that people who are not comfortable using traditional binary pronouns like he/him and she/her might choose to use. They don't relate to specific gender, which makes it more inclusive for people who identify as genderqueer, nonbinary or outside of the traditional male and female gender spectrum. For example, instead of saying "She went to the shop", you would say "Zi went to the shop". or instead of "I saw him yesterday", you'd say "I saw zir yesterday". It's important to use the pronouns a person tells you they prefer, to show respect for their identity. I hope that helps to answer your question. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I compare my self harm to other peoples and sometimes feel like I'm not valid compared to people with worse scars than me. How do I stop feeling like I'm not bad enough to be valid?

Hello, thank you for reaching out with this question. It sounds like you are and have been really struggling with how you are feeling. I'm really sorry to hear that things feel so hard for you sometimes. Reaching out in this way really shows that a part of you wants to get help and improve how you are managing and feeling. I wonder what the self harm represents for you and how you might be able to look at some other ways to find validation for your pain? Your emotional hurt is looking for care and kindness, is there a way that you can reach out and find some of that and look at other ways to dampen your distress rather than through self harm? Maybe if you could email Marcelle and find a time to meet, she could work alongside you to help you find some other solutions and strategies. You are completely valid. You are worthy and loveable and a wonderful human. Sending lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My friend who I started hanging out with at the start of the year is now hanging out with another girl and now she doesn't even say hi or bye to me. What should I do?

Hi, thank you for your question. I'm really sorry to hear your friend is treating you this way. It feels completely awful to be excluded and ignored, especially when there's no apparent reason. I wonder if you want to be friends with someone who treats you this badly, or if you think trying to find a solution to the problem is worth your effort? Is she someone whom you think is a really special person and who has made your life better because of the friendship you had? Or might it be worth thinking about finding people who show you the respect and kindness that you deserve in a friendship? If you think the friendship is worth fighting for, then I would encourage you to talk with her and explain how this is making you feel. There might be something that can be sorted out if you discuss this with her. At the end of the day, a good question to ask yourself is 'is this how I want to be treated by a friend and is this an example of what a good friend would do'? Best of luck to you and lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Am I in the wrong for wanting to break up with my boyfriend who I have been together with for two years? We know each others deepest secrets and are sexually active, but recently he's not been interested. I got suspicious and went through his phone ahnd found heaps of other girls numbers and nudes. I confronted him and now he's begging me to forgive him and making me feel bad for wanting to break up. Some of my friends are saying to forgive him and that it's normal for guys to do this, but I don't feel comfortable staying with him if this is what he's doing.

What an awful thing to experience. You have been in a trusting relationship for two years and you have the right to assume that you will be treated with respect, integrity, dignity and honesty. It is disappointing to hear that some of your friends are suggesting that this behaviour is both normal and ok. Boys are capable of much better than that and a good young man would not be doing this. He knows he did wrong because he's asking for forgiveness - I wonder if he's upset that he got caught and if you hadn't looked on his phone, he would still be doing this. You clearly respect yourself and have a good idea about the kind of relationship you want and deserve. Trust your gut and know that we validate how you are feeling - you are definitely not in the wrong! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

I was really close to a girl and now I'm close with another girl. The first one is being really mean to my new friend and is clearly excluding her on purpose. When she says something she shuts her down and doesn't invite her anywhere to do stuff with our friends. What should I do?

I'm really sorry to hear that you are in a difficult situation with your friends. That is a hard place for you to be. If you haven't had a conversation with the mean friend, then maybe telling her how you're feeling might be a good idea. Alternatively, you could mention things in the moment, like when she doesn't invite her, you could say "And you can come to....." etc. Calling her out on being exclusive in the moments that they happen might be a good way to address this. best of luck with this and thank you for being a thoughtful and kind friend. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

I'm worried about my peers and year group and the decline of the mental health of the group. Eating issues, self harm and suicidal thinking seem to be more common. I'm worried about the wellbeing of my peers. What can be done and what can I do?

Thank you so much for noticing your peers and caring about their wellbeing. It must be a very worrying thing for you to notice and definitely a feeling of helplessness. This is big issue that needs some more time and attention. If you were able to contact Marcelle, then there could be some collaboration and support structures etc put in place. It would be good to talk with the year group and find out more about what they think the issues are and what solutions they might have themselves. If you could reach out with some more information, then we could do something more proactive. For you as a friend, then being clear with your friends about your concerns is important, but also making sure that you look after yourself and don't take on everyones problems and concerns. Take care, lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I have a group of friends and they often hang out as a big group without me. I'm often not allowed to go but I can't help feel sad they have stopped asking me. I sit home alone and see their stories with all the photos of them out without me. I'm not an introvert and want to be included. I don't know what to do.

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. It's a truly awful feeling being left out like that. You must feel very alone at times. Maybe your friends assume you are going to say no - but maybe you could tell them how you are feeling and also find some ways to organise a get together that works for your parents and allows you to be included. Have you explained to your parents how this is impacting you? Maybe you can negotiate some things with them? Let your friends know that you're trying to be more involved so they understand your situation a bit more. best of luck to you - it's a hard spot to be in. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I like someone but I can't tell if I actually like someone or if I'm just bored.

Thanks for your great question. This is a very common feeling for a lot of people - especially since a lot of the time people are meeting and talking on line. This makes it hard because you don't know if the connection is genuine or you're trying to fill in time! If you are wondering if you're bored - you probably are.... when someone really gets your attention, you usually know straight away, because it feels different. Taking time to do something off line can be really beneficial in helping with boredom and preventing getting into something you don't really want to be in. It's great you are wondering... keep checking in with yourself and notice how you're feeling. Best of luck to you xxx lots of love Aunty Hilda

I don't think my friends like me - what should I do?

I'm so sorry to hear you are experiencing this. This is such an awful feeling to have. I wonder if there is someone in your friend group that you feel comfortable to talk to about this? There might be something that's happened, or maybe you are reading into something that isn't about you.Sometimes when we are not feeling good, we can assume things that aren't really true. It's really important to make sure that you stay included by including yourself. Don't let the worry contribute more, by making yourself invisible. Be careful of the story you are telling yourself. Check for facts and be kind to youself xx lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Me and boyfriend have been having unprotected sex because he doesn't like the feel of condoms and I don't want to take the pill incase it causes negative side effects. What should I do?

Hi there, great question! Firstly, it's important that you feel comfortable about the situation - would you prefer it if your boyfriend used a condom? That can be a non negotiable request. It's not really fair that you are putting yourself at risk (of pregnancy and infection) so that he can maximise his pleasure. There are many condoms that are super thin and don't interfere with the positive sexual experience. If you do decide to go on the pill, there are some things to consider, however, there are plenty of benefits too. Check out this website for some more info https://sexualwellbeing.org.nz/srv/getting-contraception/. best of luck! Aunty hilda xoxoxox

I was talking to my boyfriend about when we have sex and how we will make it good. I talked to him about the clitoris and how that's an important place for female pleasure but he had never heard of it and neither had any of his friends. How am I supposed to have that conversation?

Thanks for this great question - it's very disappointing to hear that he and his friends don't know about such an important part of the female body. It's so great to hear that you are both discussing what you will do and where your boundaries are and what you do and don't feel comfortable with. That is awesome! For the clitoris conversation, he will have to understand, with your help, that the clitoris needs seperate attention and that unlike the movies, penis in vagina intercourse does not usually make sufficient contact with the clitoris. There are some good diagrams to at least show him where it is - check out the one on here in the body page. Good on you for having this great conversation! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I found out that my ex boyfriend from a few months ago took photos of us while we were having sex, without me knowing. He then shared those with his mates - i feel so angry and betrayed. I'm not sure what to do with my feelings

We are so very sorry to hear this terrible injustice has happened to you. This crossed all the boundaries of a trusting relationship. Please be kind to yourself about having been in the relationship in the first place - I'm sure there were many good things about him that you liked. Unfortunately we have heard about this kind of thing a number of times, you are not alone with this. Nothing you did brought this on - he is fully responsible for this wrongdoing. There are a number of people you can talk to about this - the police being one of them. Please talk to someone and get the support you need. You have every right to feel angry and betrayed, but please be gentle with yourself. Keep in touch, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My boyfriends friends are so rude about other girls. They call them disgusting names and make fun about their bodies and what they think they'd like to do with them sexually. It makes me feel sick. My boyfriend isn't like that when we are alone. So who is he really? The guy mates version or the version with me? I'm so confused.... and disappointed.

I'm so sorry to hear that your boyfriend is letting you down in this way. It must be very confusing to know what part of his personality you can trust. I wonder if you have discussed this with him already? Often boys feel they need to perform in front of their mates and be the kind of 'man' they think they are supposed to be. Maybe if you talk to your boyfriend about how this is making you feel and encourage him to think about what he is actually saying, or agreeing with. He might see how he is contributing to gendered harm and sexism in general. If he cares about you, then he will not want you to feel like this. Best of luck, we are here for you. Love Aunty Hilda xoxox

My friend seems to always make fun of me and be rude to me in front of others. She says it's just her humour but she doesn't do it with other people....I've told her how it makes me feel, but we're still friends.... What should I do?

I'm sorry to hear that you are in this situation with your friend being mean to you. This is a really horrible feeling when someone you should be able to fully trust, is causing you pain. Unfortunately this is not an uncommon experience. When people do this it is often about them exerting power over someone - and while they know what they are doing, they possibly haven't taken the time to reflect on themselves or the consequences of their behaviour. Normally we would say to talk to your friend about this, but since you already have, it is disappointing that this hasn't changed. However, another conversation about this would be a good idea, especially since it would seem there has been a good friendship in the past. Tell her how you're feeling and how this is affecting your relationship. Best of luck, love Aunty Hilda xoxox

I realised after the Aunty Hilda assembly this week, that I am complying rather than consenting when I'm with my boyfriend. I have told him that just because we have done this thing once, doesn't mean I want to do it every time. He did say that now he is my boyfriend he should be allowed to do this. I don't know what the next steps are.....

We are so sorry to hear that you are in this situation. You should not be dealing with this. Since you have already spoken to him about this, it is of concern that he is choosing not to respect your boundaries. We are particularly concerned that he said he should be able to do this because he's your boyfriend. This is a serious red flag! That is essentially him saying that your body belongs to him. Nothing about that is ok. Please look after yourself in this. He likes you enough to want to have sex with you - but he doesn't care about or respect you enough to wait, or respect your boundaries. Best of luck with this - you deserve a lot better love Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

I broke up with my ex six months ago, and I still love them, but they have moved on. What do I do?

Dealing with a break up is hard, but especially hard when you still have strong feelings for the person. It's normal to have a huge range of emotions because you are dealing with the loss of a special relationship and when we have loss, we have grief. Grief is painful and confusing and is different for everyone. But it's really important to know that you are not alone with these feelings - right now there are millions of people experiencing similar things. Maybe connect with them in your mind and feel supported by them too. For you now, it's about being really kind to yourself. Allowing yourself to move through all the emotions that come with this experience. Hold onto the things from that relationship which were helpful, see it as a wonderful contribution to the person you are and the woman you are becoming. These hurts and experiences help us be better, wiser and ultimately human. Love yourself and love your grief, it's a sign of the wonderful person you are. Hugs and love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My friend thinks she's better than us now that she's done stuff with a guy, but she was drunk, so I'm not sure it counts. What do I do, because I want to stay friends.

Thank you for your great question! It can be really difficult when our friends find a new exciting thing that they then talk about a lot. Especially if they make it seem like they are better than us somehow. You obviously want to stay friends with her which means you need to have a brave conversation about how you're feeling. You could start it with "I'm feeling a little bit undervalued in our friendship at the moment. I'm excited for you about your new boy experiences, but it's making me feel like I'm not as good as you because I haven't done those things"....... or something like that...Conversations are your best tool! Best of luck to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

One of our friends changes her voice into a really high pitched childish voice when she's around adults. What's going on?

Thanks for this interesting question. It is actually quite a common thing (but as you have alluded to, can be quite annoying at times) and is often used in interactions with authority figures. This behavior may serve to reduce perceived threats or seek sympathy or leniency by appearing less threatening and more submissive. When we do this infront of adults, then we are potentially trying to win their favour and get our own way... Your friend obviously feels like she needs to appeal to their kindness and avoid an angry or negative response. It's very common, but understandably can be an annoying thing to be around at times! It's also more common amongst women and girls, trying to make themselves seem childish, when as women, we should really be standing strong in our bodies, sharing our opinions and thoughts from a place of equity and validity. There should be no reason to make ourselves less than.....Lots of luck to you with being able to continue these conversations with your friend :) Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My friends often forget I'm in the same class as them and that I have been to the same events WITH them. I'm not quiet or reserved, so I don't know why this is happening. How can I make myself more memorable?

Thanks for your question. We are so sorry that you are having this experience. We really want you to know that there is nothing MORE that is needed from you in order to be memorable. You are enough and you are valued. The question here, is are these the right people for you? You should feel valued and embraced and accepted and welcomed and a full part of the group - this is what good friends and your actual "people" will make you feel. Find your people and feel good about the amazing person you already are!!!! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I'm the only gay person in my friendgroup and now they are all talking about the boys they like or are with. I feel awkward talking about girls I like and some of them don't quite know what to say. Should my love life be something I keep to LGBTQIA+ groups or am I able to talk about girls in all-girl friend groups too?

Thank you for your really important question. You are absolutely allowed to talk about your love interests and crushes. They are no different to what your friends are also discussing. While this may feel a little uncomfortable, it would be a great idea to talk about how you are feeling with your friends. let them know what it's like for you and together you can come up with a way that makes everyone feel included and respected and welcome. You have definitely got nothing to hide from anyone. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

What is scissoring?

Thanks for your question. Scissoring is a colloquial term for a sexual position where two people with vulvas rub their genitals together and this is usually by positioning their legs like scissors. This can be a pleasurable thing to do, but like everything, is different for different people and should be part of a consensual, negotiated conversation, where you respect each others boundaries. Best of luck, and lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

How do I become friends with an international student?

What a great question! So many international students will be so pleased to see it! Like with anyone we don't know very well, we have to make a special effort to get to know them better. Ask them to have lunch with you, or go to town after school, or invite them to do a fun activity with you in the weekend. It means we have to be brave sometimes and put ourselves out there, but when we do, people are so grateful and pleased that we have taken the time. You sound like a very thoughtful, kind and inclusive person. Getting to know someone from another culture is such a great experience. Good luck with your new friendship :) Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

How much time is too much time for self-pleasuring/masturbating?

Thanks for your great question. There is no amount that is too much, as it varies from person to person. Masturbation is a normal and healthy part of human sexuality and as long as it's not causing physical or emotional distress or interfering with your daily life, then there is no problem. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I want to have sex but I'm too young and it's illegal and wrong, but I feel ready and lots of people my age have done it. What's your advice?

Thank you for your really important question. Making decisions for ourselves can be so difficult when we see what other people around us are doing - and all of those people come from a different place, with different experiences and views of the world. Having a sexual relationship with someone is a big thing to consider. Sex involves a lot of emotion and sometimes, if you are not in a relationship, it can feel like you have been used. Having sex is not a race, so make sure you have given it plenty of thought - especially what it is you feel comfortable to do. There's no rush to 'get it out of the way'. Get to know your own body and have a think about why you want to have sex now. There's nothing wrong with wanting to - just make sure you have thought through what is right for you. Best of luck to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

A lot of guys talk about anal sex, but me and my friends think this is an awful idea - what are we supposed to think or do??

Thank you so much for your really important question. Anal sex gets a lot of attention in pornography and this has made this idea 'normal' for many young men. Like anything to do with sex, no one should ever make you feel pressured into doing something you don't want to do. The issue with anal sex, is that it is often very uncomfortable and painful for women. That part of a womans body is actually really different to a mans. The skin in a womans anus is much thinner and more prone to damage and unlike men who have a prostate, which makes anal sex pleasurable, women do not. Anal sex has become a common request in heterosexual relationships, by young men who think (because of pornography) that it is what should be done. Pornography isn't real and anal sex is definitely not a requirement! It certainly isn't focussing on what feels good for a woman. Always talk to your partner about what you feel comfortable with. If you're being pressured to do something you don't want to do - they are not the one for you! Best of luck and lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I think one of my friends is depressed - How can I help her?

Thank you for being a caring friend. It can be really worrying for us to see a friend not acting themselves, looking sad, or being down. It can be really helpful to let them know you can see that they aren't themselves - often people feel alone when they are down or depressed, like no one notices. So to say "hey are you ok, I've noticed you haven't been yourself lately and I'd like to help" can be a great way to start. You could encourage them to see the counsellor - this is a great idea , because then you know that they are getting the help they need and you can be their friend and do the fun things that friends should do. It's also really important to look after yourself at this time - are you ok managing your worry about your friend? If you need some support for yourself, then make sure you reach out to the counsellor or someone you trust. Take care, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

My friend is amazing but she always acts so mean and tries to show off around boys. It feels like she's trying to embarrass me every time a boy is around. What should I do?

Thank you for reaching out about this. Sadly this can be a common issue, where friendships can be competitive and rather than uplifting each other, one or both people try and diminish or put down the other. This would be a great time for a brave and honest conversation - face to face and heart to heart. It's important to express how you are feeling and this could really enhance your friendship. Not talking about this could be detrimental to your great relationship. All the best with this!! You deserve your friends respect too. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I like one of my teachers. He gives me butterflies every time he walks past me. I have never felt this way before with anyone. Is this normal? I know it's wrong but the feelings are getting stronger. Should I pursue it?

It's really normal to grow feelings for people you spend a lot of time with. People in authority are often people we look up to, because they may be attractive or wise and kind. BUT this is definitely not something you should pursue. Nothing about this will be good. You will only feel dissapointed and rejected and any kind of questionable conduct from a teacher in that regard means they lose their job and their teacher registration. You will definitely find a young man at some stage who you can have an appropriate and real reciprocal relationship with. It's fine and normal to have a crush - but anything else is totally out of the question. Best of luck moving on from this :) Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I have two friends who seem really into each other - lots of intense eye contact and flirting and blushing and spending time together with inside jokes etc. But it's annoying because neither of them are doing anything about it and it's been going on for ages! The rest of the friend group has decided we are going to wait a few months and then start intervening more - are we doing the right thing?

Thank you for your question. It sounds like it's difficult to watch them when the obvious signals are there for everyone to see, but no one is naming it. I do wonder if this is something that is between them and shouldn't be cause for intervention from the group. If this is bothering you, then maybe talk to them about how it's maing you feel - that their "special" friendship maybe makes some of you feel excluded? And that they have your blessing as a whole group to be real about their feelings and get on with things. (Not that your permission is something they need - but maybe they are not acting on things because they are worried about what you'll all think??) Best of luck with this - sometimes people need time to work things out for themselves and as always, a brave and kind conversation goes a long way. Best of luck to you, Love Aunty Hilda xoxox

Sometime in the last two months my partner and I have gone from talking like partners to feeling like we are acquaintances. We don't talk for more than two minutes and we have no idea what's happening in each others lives. I feel guilty for maybe holding them back from living their life - Our messages look normal at a glance, but they message me first and the messages fall away really quickly. Is it all my fault?

Thanks for reaching out. This sounds hard because you have had a really good relationship and you're now grieving because you feel like it may be coming to an end...? This is a time to be really brave and have a courageous conversation about how you're both feeling and what is coming up next. Sometimes this can mean a friendship can continue, but communication about this is key. You have nothing to feel bad about - this is your relationship and you are doing what feels right for you. Best of luck to you xoxox Aunty Hilda

I may, or may not have a crush on someone who is aromantic

Thank you for question about your tricky situation. Aromantic is when a person does not experience romantic feelings for others, this can make it difficult when someone is attracted to them - like you - it's important to respect their boundaries and recognise for yourself that this is not something that is going to go anywhere other than friendship. Best of luck, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

How do I become better friends with a good friend whose personality is very different to mine?

This is a really great question. We can be friends with all types of people, but often it can take a bit longer to become friends with someone a bit different to us because of our interests or ways of communicating may not be the same. Since you are already good friends, I would suggest asking them to hang out more, do more activities together and this will naturally strengthen your bond. Spending time together talking and doing something fun, is always the very best way to deepen a friendship. Since you are already friends, this shouldn't be too hard. Good luck! It's great having friends who bring different perspectives and ways of being. All the best! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I told a guy I didn't want to have sex with him. Now he's saying he's going to tell everyone I had sex with him and his friend if I don't say yes. I don't know what to do. Everyone likes him and he's got heaps of mates. I feel like I've got no options that work for me. Please help.

Thank you for your question. We are so very sorry to hear that you are in this awful situation. What he is doing is entirely wrong, immature, manipulative and he is actually blackmailing you. You have a few options that we can think of - tell him to get a life and walk away. Deal with the rumours, they'll pass soon enough - especially if enough people know they are not true. We know this is a really scary and horrible thought though. You could seek help from adults who could intervene - maybe your friends could help with this too? Maybe you could take control of this whole situation - tell everyone what the rumour is and take the wind out of it yourself. Let them all know what he was going to do. he sounds like a truly awful person - Please don't ever do anything you don't want to do. Coercion is extremely uncool!!!!! Best of luck to you - and lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

I was talking to a boy for a few months and I decided I didn't need that in my life at the moment and called it quits. Then he told me he still liked his ex. His mates told me they thought he still liked me but I just feel used. We spent so much time at each others places

Thanks for your question - that's a horrible place to be in for you. It sounds like the "I don't want to do this anymore" from you, really affected his ego... saying he still liked his ex is a great way to hurt you back. It's totally fair that you might feel used. That's not how you treat someone you supposedly care about. You have the right to choose what you want for yourself no matter what he says! Chin up girlfriend! Kia Kaha xoxox

What can I do to help my friend if I see that they have been hurting themselves?

Thank you for being a good friend. This is a really tough spot for you to be in. I would recommend telling your friend that you have seen the self harm and that you are worried about how they are. It's important to make sure they know your friendship hasn't changed and you don't view them any differently. You could also encourage them to seek help - especially if you think this is a recurring problem. This is not your problem to fix, but you can be a very positive influence via your support. Good luck - sometime people need help to ask for help. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

What do you do when you know your friend's boyfriend is bad for them but they don't listen. I do respect her but I don't know what to do because I don't want her to get hurt

Thank you for being a good friend. It can be really difficult watching a situation that you feel is harmful for someone you care about. Have you tried explaining to your friend why you are concerned? Rather than critiquing her boyfriend, talk about what you observe and how it makes you feel. It can be hard for people to listen when they feel like they are being criticised, - and even though you have a problem with him - she may still feel like you are criticising her choices and relationship abilities. Be there for her so that when/if it ends, you can be supportive rather than her feeling like she's lost you to "I told you so". Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

What does it feel like to have an orgasm and how do I know if I've had one?

An orgasm is a very intense feeling of pleasure, after a person is sexually aroused and (usually) the clitoris has been stimulated. It can vary for everyone, but can often include pelvic muscle contractions, heightened sensitivity and a feeling of euphoria and relaxation following an orgasm. It's not something that a person wouldn't notice. Good luck and thanks for asking! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I consented to something I didn't want to do and feel really awful about it. Do you have any advice?

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I'm sorry you are feeling like this - feeling regret can be a really hard thing to manage. It's really important to remember that what ever you did in the moment, was the best option you had at that time. We make choices for a variety of reasons and they are not always what we would choose if we could create the perfect scenario. Be kind to yourself about what you felt you had to do. Time is a great friend also. And please reach out to Marcelle if you'd like to talk about ways to manage this more. Lots of love to you always, Aunty hilda xoxox

I often feel like guys don't understand consent - what should I say to them?

I'm pleased you asked this question. The ideas around consent should really just about two people who really want to do something together - from a place of being equal. This requires respect and trust and communication. If you respect someone, then you want them to feel comfortable and you respect their boundaries. Consent should be completely enthusiastically, excitedly a "YES LET"S!!! That's completely different to consenting to something you're not really sure about..... You might have consented, but did you really want to? Or did you like it? Consent doesn't mean it's necessarily good. Consent is NOT being talked into it or pressured - that's coercion. COnsent is required for each new activity, not just at the beginning. You can withdraw your consent at any time, you can change your mind! And consent can't be given if the person is drunk or drugged. Both people should feel safe, valued and respected and heard. It's just basic human rights to not do something to someone they don't want you to do.... Best of luck! Share your knowledge far and wide!! lots of love xoxox

Is it normal to crush on someone and hope they don't like you back because then it would be easier?

Thanks for your question! It's completely normal to think that.... many people much prefer to have the freedom to imagine all the wonderful things about what that person could be and not have it ruined by the reality. Sometimes it's fun to crush on someone from a distance... Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

How do you know you're in love?

That's such a great question! And a bit of a tricky one too.... there are three main things - Lust, Attraction and Attachment. Lust is the sexual attraction we have and the desire to have sex with that person. Attraction, is our desire to be close to them, to spend time with them and have the feelings of butterflies and warm fuzzy unicorn glitter! Then attachment is about the loving bond we create and the support and dependence we feel for each other. Sometimes we can mistake lust or attraction for real love - but it always starts somewhere smaller and grows. Best of luck with this!!! lots of love, Aunty Hilda. xoxox

I'm worried that even though I've been dating this guy (A) long distance for three years, I might be into this other guy (B), who I see almost daily. B is gay and not into girls, and I don't want my relationship with A to end. How do I stop being into B and get into A again?

Thanks for your question - that is a really tricky situation for you! It's really important to acknowledge how difficult a long distance realtionship can be, as well as validate that it's normal to be attracted to more than one person at the same time - regardless of whether they are gay/straight/single or in a relationship. Perhaps think about the kind of relationship you're having with B - try and limit your more intimate conversations and keep those for A. Make more time for A, online and facetime etc and create a clear boundary for yourself with B. Best of luck - it's hard!! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

I was sexually assaulted last year by a guy who is friends with a lot of my friends. They don't know what happened and I am not comfortable with telling them but I feel really uncomfortable when they talk about him or hang out with him.

I am so very sorry to hear that happened to you. No one ever deserves or asks for that kind of treatment. It is not ok. We send you a big hug. Maybe you could tell one or two close, trusted friends so that if his name comes up in conversation they know to quickly change the subject. That way you also know that they know and you feel some support in that moment. Maybe you might feel comfortable to talk to one of the guy friends. It can be helpful to have some support from that space too - Just be careful about looking after yourself first! Also, you could talk to Marcelle because I know she can help with managing these things better. We send you lots of love and hugs, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My boyfriend said he'll break up with me if I don't have sex with him, but I'm not ready. What should I do?

Thank you for this dissapointingly common question :( You deserve so much better than that in a relationship. There is no sign of respect here! You have obviously got some great boundaries and understand what it is that you want - don't give up on those values for yourself. An honest conversation with him about how much you like him, but also about how important it is for you to feel heard and respected. If you feel comfortable, there are all sorts of other physically intimate and pleasurable things you can do together that do not involve intercourse. Maybe that is something to consider together. It's clear you know what it right for you - that is awesome!!! Never stray from doing what's best for you. Knowing yourself and what is right is so so great! We are proud of you xox All the best lots of love, xoxox

How do I tell my Mum that I'm self harming?

Thank you for your really important question. I'm really sorry to hear that you are struggling with some things at the moment. This must be a tricky situation for you to be dealing with. It's great that you are thinking about wanting to tell your Mum - Mums and Dads are often really great places for support. Maybe you could start with talking to your Mum about how you've been feeling and the feeling that you have been struggling with. Then you could explain that in order to try and manage, you have been doing xyz. You might then tell her that you would like some support with this and maybe you could also let her know that you have reached out for help. Could you maybe see the school counsellor about this? They will have some great starategies for how to manage overwhelming feelings in a more positive way. Good on you for reaching out - there are lots of people who understand how you are feeling. Take care, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

Some of my friends are avoiding me - what should I do?

Thank you for your question. It's such an uncomfortable situation to be dealing with. If you haven't already, then asking them directly from a place of equality can be helpful. For example, "I've noticed our friendship has changed recently, is there something we can do about that? If the friendships are really important to you and you really value them, then having a brave conversation is good. But maybe, they are not the right people for you and finding friends who do want to spend time with you and treat you well, would be the best scenario. Best of luck with this. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

I think I have depression, how can I find out and get help?

Thank you for your question. I'm sorry you are not feeling good at the moment. There are some things you can do to find out more about your situation - ie www.thelowdown.co.nz is a great website and has some good advice and questions. It would also be a good idea to reach out to Marcelle, or your GP, and see what strategies they can give you. Sometimes talking things through is a really great first step and can help shrink some of these feelings down into a more manageable size. All the best with reaching out, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

It seems every time I like a boy, he has a girlfriend. What should I do?

Thanks for your question. This is a really hard feeling to manage, but when someone is not available, because they are already with someone else, this is a very important boundary to respect and a fairly clear indicator that he is not the one. Even though it's hard when we like someone, it's important to value yourself in this too. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I tell my parents things, but then they hold it against me. How can I prevent oversharing when I don't have anyone my own age to talk to?

Thanks for your question. It's so important to talk with someone about how you're feeling and share your thoughts, without that being held against you. Sometimes it can be really helpful to talk with a person who is nonjudgemental and is used to hearing those kinds of things. Maybe you could talk to Marcelle? Another option is to find your own way to express yourself - writing, like journalling can be incredibly helpful. If you like the digital option, then the notes app on your phone is an idea, or there are also some nice journalling apps you can get. Friends can be all different ages - and someone older can be a great support if they have had some similar experiences. Best of luck with shareing your feelings safely xoxox Aunty Hilda

I am going to be away from school for a big chunk of time and I am really worried my friends are going to do stuff without me, but mostly that they will forget about me. What can I do?

Thanks for reaching out with your concern. This is a totally understandable worry, we all suffer from FOMO from time to time. There's a lot you can do to help keep these friendships alive - messaging, facetime etc, but also inviting your friends over for a movie night etc etc. Asking them to keep you up to date with what's going on and sharing your concern with them can also be helpful. All the best with managing this situation. I'm sure your friends will really miss you. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I like a guy but I think I like his brother too, what should I do to figure out who I actually like?

Thanks for this really tricky question. It's not unusual to like more than one person at the same time. Maybe you can think about what it is that you like about them - is it their looks, or their personality, or your shared interests? Maybe you need to spend a bit more time deciding what's important to you and not be blinded by what you like. All the very best to you with this! Aunty Hilda xoxox

My bf watches heaps of porn and I'm not feeling comfortable about it

Thanks for your really important question. You are uncomfortable for a really good reason. There are lots of problems with porn, like violence and degrading acts against women and sometimes boys think that is what they are supposed to do and girls think they have to say yes. It might be a really good idea to talk to your bf about how this is making you feel. You deserve to feel special in your relationship and that you are the only one who has a sexual connection with your bf and that you are special in that way to him. If you don't want him to be watching pornography, then you have every right to say that. It is normal for people to be aroused outside of the relationship, but it's important that you decide together what your boundaries are with this. It's normal to be curious and to want to have a look at those kinds of things, but if it becomes something that happens frequently, and something that's relied on, then it is a problem for the individual as well as the relationship. Unfortunately porn has become very accessible and very normalised in our society - that doesn't mean it's ok though. Have a discussion and see how you get on. Best of luck to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Do you know who sends in what question?

Hi there - great question! There is absolutely no way we can see who sends the question in. The only thing we see is the time it was sent. Please be reassured this is completely confidential. Lots of love Aunty Hilda xoxox

I'm being excluded from my friend group - what should I do?

Thank you for your question. That's such a very hard thing to be experiencing - one of the most horrible feelings. It's really important that you try and include yourself. It's common to step back and be more quiet in this situation, and that just makes you less visible. By not including yourself, people see you as not being included and they won't include you..... It's a vicious cirlce. You have to be brave and step into the social space. Invite them to do something, and act the way you would if you were feeling included and feeling good. It's amazing how much people pick up on our confidence (or lack of) and our body language, as to whether we are socially available. Best of luck with this, these things never last forever. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I sometimes feel left out with my friends because I don't have snapchat or tiktok or any social media. What should I do?

Hello :) thanks for your question. Feeling like you're missing out, or being left out, is a really hard and sometimes horrible feeling. Maybe this is a good opportunity to be really present with your communication and put your efforts into real life talking and hanging out. Maybe you could have a conversation with your parents about negotiating some ways that you could try social media, in order to show them that you can manage it appropriately? However, it can also be good to know that after year 10 there is a lot less focus on social media and more focus on rl. It is also a great opportunity for you to talk to your friends about your situation so that they can take this into account and ensure that they include you via texting or facetime. Good luck with this, I know it propbably feels really unfair, but you're not the only one dealing with this. I promise. Lots of love to you, Aunty HIlda xoxox

Where do I go if I think I may have depression.

I am so sorry to hear that you are not feeling good. It is a horrible way to be feeling and I hope that you can find some ways to get some support. You could see your school counsellor, Marcelle, or you could go to your GP, or you could look up www.thelowdown.co.nz or contact a helpline like 1737 or 4357 for lifeline. You can feel better, so please check out one of those options. Thinking of you, lots of love always, Aunty Hilda xoxo

I really like this guy, but he likes my best friend. I don't know what to do.

Thank you for sharing your really tricky situation. This is a really hard situation for you and really painful. This might be a good timie to step away from those feelings, even though it's incredibly hard. Your best friend will always be more important than any boy and you don't want to risk the friendship. There's no easy way around this. Be kind to yourself and gentle with your heart, this feeling won't last forever. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

Why do so many people send dick pics?

That is a really great question..... sending a dick pic when it has not been asked for, is aggressive, a violation of your personal space, and unnecessary. Like other things on social media, if you can't say it to their face, you shouldn't say it. And here, if you wouldn't show your body parts to the actual person, then it definitely shouldn't be sent! There is an assumption by many young men that their penis holds power and represents their macho mascullinity, but girls are called sluts if they do the same thing.... there is a definite imbalance here! Be careful about who you add on social media. It's not ok to get dick pics if you haven't asked for one. Best of luck, Aunty Hilda xox

A boy made a comment about how I look and now I feel really insecure and he didn't care

Hello petal, I am so very sorry to hear this has happened to you. Firstly, that boy had no right to comment on your body. That is something that no one should ever do. Some very immature and unkind boys think that they can bring you down by making you feel bad about your body or your appearance. The hard part here is to completely disregard his comments as anything at all to do with you - those comments say a lot about him, and nothing about you. You might want to think about if you want this person in your life. You ARE beautiful and you ARE worthy. His words only have meaning if you give them space in your life. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Why is it a bad thing to send nudes?

Thank you for your very important question. Nudity and being nude, can be a great thing, celebrating your body and enjoying the freedom! Sending nudes however, can get very complicated - you no longer have any control about what happens to that image (even if you trust the person) and boys can sometimes be very disrespectful. Even if you're a in a relationship with someone doesn't mean there is an expectation on you to have to send nudes. Also thinking about what happens to those images should you break up, is an important consideration. Sometime there can be threats and pressure to send nudes - that is never, ever ok. Also receiving images (dick pics) without your consent, is not ok either. There are important legal issues to consider: it is actually illegal to send 'objectionalble' images if you are under the age of 18. check out the link to the harmful digital communications act below. https://www.justice.govt.nz/courts/civil/harmful-digital-communications/ Best of luck to you :) Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I sometimes feel really lonely with my friends, and I don't know what they are talking about. What should I do?

Thank you for sharing your really tough situation. It is not uncommon for people to feel excluded within their friendgroup, however there might be some things you can do to feel better. if this has been going on for some time, then thinking about other people in your year who might be better friends could be worth thinking about. It requires you to be a bit brave and put yourself out there with some other people, but it 's worth being with people who value you and respect you. If it's only been happening for a short time - then maybe something happened that you weren't part of? Like a sports trip or something? It's ok to ask them what they are talking about. An option is that you can tell them how you are feeling - if they are good friends they will want to make an effort. All the best for this situation. Take care, love Aunty Hilda xoxox

Is 12 too young to have Sex?

Thank you for your question. That's an interesting thing to think about. When you start getting your period, then you are essentially, physically, a woman and your body is saying it is potentially able to carry a baby. However, at the age of 12, your emotional maturity is still developing. 12 is still considered a child and sex at this age can be more harmful. At this age, the question is also who would the partner be -If the boy is also 12, then he is also not mature enough to manage that kind of relationship. If the boy is much older than that can be a real cause for concern. Legally, the age where you can consent is 16. The reason for that, is so that you are in a better place to hopefully make good decisions about your body and what you do with it. If you have more questions about that, please talk to an adult you trust. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

What are your opinions and advice on long distance relationships?

Thanks for a great question! Generally speaking, long distance realtionships can be hard work. It can depend on whether you know you will be together again and this is a short term issue, or if you are continuing a relationship knowing that you are not. Trust is a big factor here - is this a relationship that has lots of trust, or will you torture yourself wondering and worrying? Sometimes when we only talk on the phone or social media, then we run the risk of only seeing each other at good times and sharing good things and we can be fooled that things are better than they are. It can be better to say goodbye while you're on good terms rather than things becoming uncomfortable over time. Only you will know how important this person is and if the relationship is worth the extra emotional burden. Best of luck to you, love Aunty hilda xoxoxox

I'm so insecure about my skin and I feel like no one understands

Thank you for your really important question. It can be so hard to feel good about ourselves when there are flaws that we focus on and feel alone with. As young women, comparison and resulting low self worth can be a real challenge. Perfect skin is currently a big thing on social media and that can really add to peoples insecurities. It's normal to have bad skin at times, or for a long time during adolesence and focussing on your inner beauty, the other parts of your self that you do find positive and attractive is important for us all. You are worthy and loveable regardless of your skin. Please remember that. Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxo

I feel like I'm the last person to have sex. Will I be a virgin forever?

Thank you for sharing your question :) You can never guarantee anything, but don't put pressure on the when. It's not something to get out of the way and you don't need to rush it. The other thing to remember, is that there are HEAPS of other people your age, and older, who have not had sex. Sometimes we think we are the only ones going through things,- but that is never the case. When the time is right for you, it will happen. It's not a race :) Take care and look after your precious self. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I'm tired of people treating me differently because of what I have been through/going through. Is it better to keep things to myself or risk sharing it with people and be treated differently?

Hey, it sounds like you've been going through some really tough stuff. We're really sorry to hear that and sorry these experiences are weighing you down and taking up so much space in your life. It's really important that you do not bottle up your feelings, but it's also important to be careful who you share your personal experiences with. Be cautious that it doesn't become the focus of your friendships and ensure there is balance - do other things together and talk about interests and fun things. You are allowed to say you don't want to talk about things and you're allowed to change your mind about what you want people to do with what they know. Also, thinking about who can listen and hold space for your experiences, like a counsellor or safe adult, can be useful to help keep your other friendships more relaxed and open. Journalling is also a really great option for some people - maybe you could get yourself a really nice journal and try writing how you're feeling. Take care of your precious self, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

Is it possible to fall out of love? What does that feel like?

Hi there, - great question! I think the answer is probably yes. People change, through no fault of anyone in particular, you can grow to be quite different and find that what you once liked, loved and were attracted to, is no longer the same. The feeling, while different for everyone, might be that you no longer want to spend time with them, priorotise them or feel excited to see them. If these things are happening for you, then it can be good to talk to your partner about it and see if you can solve the things that might be getting in the way. Having an argument or a rough patch doesn't necessarily mean you no longer love someone. Feelings in relationships can be so very complicated! Best of luck to you, love Aunty Hilda xoxox

How do I stay motivated and happy when I am an introvert, depressed and live with a toxic family?

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling this and having this experience. Sometimes it can be helpful to try and explain how you are feeling to your family - if that is something you haven't tried already? Staying motivated and happy is a good question when other things are not going well - can you focus on the things you enjoy and find fulfilling, keep your friends close and maybe share with them how you are feeling. It's completely fine being an introvert, take the time you need to be alone and recharge. There were a lot of other things in your question and we want you to know that you are special, important and valued here at St hildas. I have a good friend, Marcelle, who might be a great person for you to talk this over with. You can email her for a time to meet. Big hugs to you, love Aunty Hilda xox

Will my first time having sex be painful?

Thank you for your wonderful question - everybody wonders that! It is common for first time sex for a woman to be a little uncomfortable, or slightly painful. It's not the same for everybody, however, all intercourse sex feels a lot better with lubrication. Natural lubrication happens when we are aroused - and this can take some time. So no rush! Also, having some lubrication on hand can be helpful (e.g. durex lubricants beside the condoms in the supermarket). This is a good idea when using condoms anyway. best of luck, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxo

Will I bleed the first time I have sex?

Hi, such a great question - You might bleed a little, which is completely normal. However, since many girls use tampons, the likelihood of bleeding is a little less, because the hymen (the small piece of skin covering the vagina inside the opening) has already been stretched. If bleeding during sex is a frequent thing, then visiting your Dr would be a good idea. All the best, lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxo

If I have sex for the first time with a condom, will I need the morning after pill?

That's a great question. If you used the condom as per instructions (ie - not expired, checking for rips, opening it carefully and rolling it down the penis shaft all the way, and making sure there is enough lubrication) and removing it carefully after ejaculation, then there should be no reason to need additional contraception. If there was an issue with any of these things, then the morning after pill is a very good idea. You have a 72 hour window for this. The sooner, the better. It is free at Family Planning (lower Hanover St). Take care, lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

How do I tell my best friend I hooked up with her boyfriend?

Well done for asking such a difficult question and wanting to take accountability for your actions. It's really important to make a time to see your friend, away from other distractions or people. Then, take a big breath and be honest. You will need to accept that she may be very angry with you and you will have to acknowledge her feelings and accept how she may react. She may want to know why this happened, so be prepared to share your intentions and why you did what you did. Her boyfriend is equally at fault here, but be careful to only talk about what you did wrong and take responsibility for that. This is not an easy thing for any of you, so good on you for being brave about wanting to be honest. This is a great idea. Best of luck to you, lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I went to a party where I got really drunk and was sexually assaulted in front of other people. No body did anything and now those guys think it's funny. I feel really disgusting and alone

What an awful thing to have happen. We are so sorry to hear this has happened to you. What they did to you is against the law. Nothing about your story is ok and you haven't done anything wrong. It's really important to talk to somebody you trust about how you are feeling. This was an assault and you have a number of options as to how you might deal with it. But first, it's really important that you feel safe and heard in telling your story. These boys who are making fun of what happened and minimising your experience are unworthy of your time. They have a lot of growing up and learning to do about what is right and wrong, consent, human rights, the law and basic respect. It is normal to feel disgusting after something like this and reaching out to find help and support is a really important part of the healing. You are not alone in this. Even though it is often not talked about, there are so many people in our community who share your experience. Thank you for sharing with us and helping others feel seen too. We send you much love xoxox Aunty Hilda

How do I fake an orgasm?

Hi there - What a great question! Why on earth would you want to fake it anyway?? A conversation around how you would like your partner to pleasure you, can only really come after you know what it is that you like. Being able to touch yourself and explore what it is that feels good for you, is really important, normal and helpful when it comes to being intimate with another person. It is really normal for boys to masturbate and they talk about it more often too. It is just as normal for girls to do this too, however it gets talked about less openly. Talk to your partner about what feels good - that's the sign of a good communicative relationship. You shouldn't have to make them feel better about themselves , by pretending. No one is winning there! All the very best! Lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xoxox

What do I do if my partner does something I'm not comfortable with during sex?

Great question! It's really important to talk about things beforehand if possible, or think about the things that you are comfortable doing and what you are not comfortable doing. But if there is something that comes up that doesn't feel ok, then saying so at the time is really important! It can feel a bit uncomfortable sometimes to say what you really feel or really want, but honestly, it's one of the most important things to practise! Your partner should always respect your sexual boundaries and if they put pressure on you, or continue to try and convince you, or disrespect your wishes, then he just has to go! Best of luck to you. ots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

My boyfriend gets drunk every weekend, how do I tell him to stop?

Hi there, thanks for raising this really common issue. In Dunedin schools there is a really problematic drinking culture, closely linked to the problem drinking at Otago Uni. You are right to be concerned about how this will be affecting his brain and potential addiction issues. It is a real issue and one that is worth communicating to him about if it is impacting your relationship. It's really important that you look after yourself here - it is not your job to fix this in him. However, if you are worried and care about what is happening, then telling him how you feel is a good place to start. Telling him honestly about your thoughts and concerns is the only way here. Depending on the individual circumstances, then you may want to tell an adult in his life who can help further. Protect your own peace. Lots of love to you Aunty Hilda xoxo

I am transitioning and I was wondering when I fully transition, will I get kicked out of school because this is an all girls school?

This is a great question, thanks for asking. Our enrolment policy states that you must be female at the time of enrolment, however, once you are here, your position at this school is yours, no matter how you identify. lots of love to you, Aunty Hilda xox

If I had a baby would the school kick me out?

This is a common question! You can not be kicked out from school for having a baby. If you choose to have a baby, then continuing with education is a very important thing to do, however, this can be quite challenging to do with a baby. No school is allowed to kick out a pregnant student. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xoxox

I like this boy but I don't know if he is too old for me, how many years older than me is too old?

This is an interesting question - Your age is important as the first part to this question. If you are under 16 and he is older than 16, then please refer to last weeks question about consent, as this will help answer some of that. I'm wondering if your question means that you are feeling uncomfortable about the age gap, or if it is others responses that you are worried about? Relationships always, for everyone, should be about two people respecting each other and being kind and considerate - no matter what their age. Having said that, being aware that there can be a power imbalance with an older partner and possible expectations of what will happen in the relationship is important. Do you have common interests, friends who would get along and that you share the same relationship values. Best of luck!!! Lots of love Aunty hilda xoxox

Plan B, how does it work, when should I take it, what does it do to your body?

Thanks for this question - Plan B is an emergency contraceptive pill that you can take after unprotected sex, up to 72 hours later. It is best to take it within the first 24 hours. It is a massive dose of hormones, which delays the release of an egg (ovulation) and thickens the mucus to prevent the sperm from accessing the egg. It can cause you to feel sick, tired, mood swings, can cause some break through bleeding and potentially mix up your cycle for a month or so. Remeber that if you vomit, you will need to take another (take it with food to reduce nausea).It is a responsible thing to look after your reproductive health, so there is never any need to feel ashamed. Check out our contraception and safe sex page for more info. All the best, lots of love, Aunty hilda xoxox

What do I do if I get ghosted and they never ended the relationship

I'm really sorry to hear that you are being disrespected like this. It could be helpful to clear up if there's been a misunderstanding, by messaging them and asking them directly. If you reach out and get no response or continue to be ghosted, then probably the best thing for you, is to look after your self and remove them from your contacts so that it helps to get them out of your mind as a possibility. All the best - you deserve someone who communicates with respect. Lots of love Aunty Hilda xoxox

How do I tell my guy best-friend that likes me that I like his best-friend?

That sounds like a really tricky situation! There are a few things going on here.... communication is always your best bet, but also thinking about whether you value the friendship you have with your guy best friend more than you like his best friend - and if you are willing to risk your friendship for it. Having said that, your guy best friend has indicated that he would like to potentially risk the friendship in order to take it a bit further. Maybe talking it through with your guy friend is the first step? Also, how do you know if the guy you like, likes you back?? Ultimately, you have to make a decision based on what you think is most important to you. Best of luck with this situation!! Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xxx

Are abortions free in New Zealand?

Hi, thanks for your question :)Abortions are free for NZ citizens. For more information you can visit www.decide.org.nz or the ministry of health www.health.govt.nz. All the very best to you, love Aunty Hilda xxx

I know the age of consent is 16, but I've got less than a year to go. Every time we kiss it's really intense and if feels like we can't get close enough! It's awkward afterwards, which means I know they feel it too. What should I do???

This is such a great question! It sounds like you haven't talked to your partner about this yet and that would definitely be the best place to start! Talking about how you're both feeling can be a really good way at then deciding what you can do about the issue. There are lots of other things you can do together to feel good about each other and bring each other pleasure, without having intercourse. The law says that you aren't able to give legal consent until the age of 16, so you have to be careful if your partner is over that age, because there can be issues for them. In any relationship the most important thing is that you both have decided on what you want together and feel comfortable with that decision for yourself. Safe and respectful is what it's all about :) Best of luck to you both, love Aunty Hilda xxx

A boy that I hooked up with pressured me to suck him off when I didn't want to, made me feel like sh*t afterwards when I didn't do it. I never did it but still feel bad.

We are so sorry to hear that you have had to experience this very horrible thing. But we are so proud of you for standing up for yourself and respecting your own boundaries! A lot of guys think that sex is just for them and that girls are there to please them - sadly they are mistaken. There is no such thing as being negatively affected by not ejaculating, although there is often pressure, like "oh you lead me on," or "now I've got blue balls, (which is not a real thing btw...!)look what you've done", or "you're such a tease", "I thought you wanted it" etc etc!!! You can hook up with someone and change your mind, or stop, or decide not to go any further, at any time. And that is O.K!! A lot of people feel really awkward and think they have to go through with it once they've started. BUT if everyone thinks that, then that means, you have a lot of support in one another. Aunty Hilda wishes you all the very best in your journey. You are a strong Wahine and you have been a great role model for others. Thank you. Lots of love to you xxxxx

My friend is in love with our other friend and it's really weird because I'm in love with her too!

That sounds like it could be complicated!! So it's really important to think about the possible consequences for your friendship and whether it's worth pursuing anything. You can still have a really good relationship with someone without it turning romantic. If you do think this is more than a passing crush, then communication with your friends is really important here. Gauging your friends level of interest here is worth considering. Does she like either of you in that way? I would recommend thinking carefully about the value of your friendships here. All the very best xxxx Aunty Hilda

How do I get over my first love when they just broke up with me?

We are really sorry to hear that. You must be feeling lots of big and painful emotions at times. it's really important to let yourself feel and express these emotions and is a really important part of the being able to move on process. Spending time with yourself, and people who really care about you, doing things that you love and talking to someone you trust, can be really helpful. Distraction is good - but don't use distraction to run away from how you are feeling! It can be useful to create special time each day to focus on those hard feelings and let yourself really be in that space - ie journalling, listening to music, or whatever works well for you. Take the time to be with you - learn to love yourself fully again and take lots of time before you think about another relationship. Lots of love to you xxx Aunty Hilda

How do I feel better about my appearance when the beauty standards are so high?

Thank you for bringing this really important and challenging issue to Aunty Hilda. Someone elses beauty doesn't detract from your own. You can be, and are beautiful, even if others are too, in a different way. Beauty isn't a finite thing - it changes and develops as we grow and change. Positive self talk is so good - little tiny things that you can find about yourself to be kind about. It might be the colour of your eyes, or the way your nose crinkles when you smile - these are things you can take time to notice and appreciate about yourself. Because it will be so true that others see that in you. It's so easy to find fault in ourselves and be unkind, when we would never dream of saying those things to others. Try and treat yourself the way you would one of your closest friends. Social media is so fake - and it messes with our brains - try to limit what you look at! And it's important not to use filters, because it will really mess with your sense of self. Genetically there are many things we can't change - ie thigh gaps, and where you store your body fat. That wee pooch on your tummy is there to protect your uterus - it's your body is trying to do the right thing and really caring about your wellbeing. . What you might think is beautiful doesn't necessarily mean everyone thinks that. Remember, this is the beauty industry which feeds off women's insecurity so they can make billions of dollars. You might like to check out this website for more support. https://bodyimagemovement.com/. You are beautiful. Lots of love and hugs from Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

All my friends know how to use tampons but I'm too embarrassed to ask

Great question! It can take a bit of practise, so don't be put off. Some of the Aunties would suggest starting off with applicator tampons, because they can be easier to use. There is also a diagram in the tampon box, which shows you the angle in which to insert the tampon. It's important to relax and try when you are properly bleeding so there is enough lubrication. If you do not successfully insert a tampon, then don't try with the same one again. Get a new one! Also, make sure you put it in far enough!! It should be a tampon plus a finger deep - or the whole applicator. It is truly uncomfortable if you don't get it in far enough. if it's right, then you shouldn't even know it's there. All the best!! Aunty Hilda xoxoxox

I think I'm pregnant but I don't know how to get a test without my parents finding out - and what do I do if I am?!

Sorry to hear that you are going through a scary and confusing time, but we are so pleased you have come to ask us for some helpful advice. Firstly Family Planning is a great place to get free advice and free testing for pregnancy and STI's. It is completely confidential and non judgmental and you don't need your parents permission or supervision to go. (you can also go to your GP with parental consent, but that will cost). Their contact details are: (03) 4775850 and their address is 95 Hanover St central Dunedin. If you are pregnant they will help you with everything you need to know going forward. They are also a great place to talk about contraception. It's important to know that a pregnancy test can only be used once you have missed your period - or if you don't know when your period is due, then at least 21 days after you last had unprotected sex. You don't have to be alone in this situation, so please reach out to trusted adults and friends who can support you through this time. With lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

How do I know I'm going to get my period soon?

Hi there, if this is about your very first period ever, then...... it's a bit of a guessing game! You will have had puberty changes take place, ie breast and pubic hair. Then closer to the time of your first period, you may notice an increase in vaginal discharge. You may also notice you get some cramping and some mood changes and more emotional. Your breasts may also get tender or very sore. Also check out our period page on the website!! If you are wondering about how to track your period, there are heaps of period trackers you can use, or jot it down on a calendar or in your diary. The predictors aren't always accurate and lots of girls have irregular periods, so sometimes it's hard to know! We hope this helps! All the best for your approaching womanhood :) Lots of love Aunty Hilda xoxox

How can we be sure this is confidential?

This is such an important question - thank you for asking it!! Your email address isn't collected, so there is no way we can see who has sent it, because the only information we get is the question, on the form. All we know is the time the question was sent. We want to share your questions for everyones benefit. It's not important who asked it, but rather that everyone benefits from learning something new. Thank you! Lots of love Aunty Hilda xox

I really like this guy but I don't know if I like him in THAT way, how do I tell?

Hi there! There's absolutely no rush to do anything about this yet. Get to know each other better and see if you can figure out what romantic attraction feels like to you. It can be difficult sometimes to tell the difference between a great friendship and romantic or sexual feelings. In a romantic relationship it's important to know within yourself what level of romantic, sexual and friendship is important for you. It may take some time to figure this out - however you are the only one who can understand your emotions. All the best!! Don't get influenced by what others might think Lots of love Aunty Hilda xox

What is Sex?

This is such a great question!! Often we think everyone knows about sex, but actually there are a lot of questions. It's really hard to put sex into one category, but we will try and answer your questions as best we can. Sex has a strong emotional factor, which is just as important as what goes on physically. First of all, you will have decided that you are ready for a sexual experience and hopefully you will be clear about the consent process going forward (Check out our consent page). So, in a sexual encounter, things should move at a speed where both people are comfortable and checking in all the way through is really important. Sex is not just one main event ie. (a penis in a vagina) but it's the whole experience of getting to know each other, touching each other and exploring who you are and what you like together and alone. It's important not to rush into "having sex" because it can be disappointing and upsetting if you feel like the emotional parts of this interaction have been missed out. Also, remember that there are so many different types of sex, not just heterosexual penetrative sex, but also homosexual sex, with many other ways of enjoying each other. These are all valid and you should feel comfortable to express yourself as you wish. This is a big question, we hope we have helped a little :) Love from Aunty Hilda. (You may want to check out the website for more details)

What age do you think is a good age to have boyfriends? Because a lot of my friends do but i don't know if i should

Thank you for your excellent question :) It sounds to me like you have already thought about this a lot and have a subconscious understanding of what you really want/think. If you are asking if you should be getting into a relationship because others are, then that is never a good reason. Have you met someone who you would like to get to know better? Or are you simply thinking about it like a box to tick. There is no age at which having a relationship is the right age - it's always about meeting the right person and deciding together that this is what you would like. Lots of love, Aunty Hilda xox

My boyfriend wants to do more than just making out but I’m not ready for that, how do I tell him?

Thanks for this valuable question! You are so right to feel uncomfortable about doing something you are not ready to do. In any relationship, the most important thing is to speak up, and use your voice about how you are really feeling. It's common to feel like you are the only one experiencing that - but this is a frequent issue. SO - it's really useful to know that most people like knowing what their partner does and doesn't want to do. More importantly, this conversation that you will have together, will make your relationship stronger. OR you'll find out that he's actually not worth your time and moving on from someone who isn't respectful is definitely your best option! Good luck with being your strong awesome self xox Aunty Hilda

What is an orgasm?

Such a great question! An orgasm is a physical and psychological sensation experienced during sexual arousal and climax. It is often described as a pleasurable release of sexual tension that is accompanied by intense feelings of pleasure and satisfaction. During an orgasm, there is a series of rhythmic contractions in the pelvic region, including the muscles of the vagina or penis, the uterus. These contractions are usually accompanied by a buildup of tension and followed by a sense of release and relaxation. Variability: Women's experiences of orgasm can vary widely. Some women may consistently experience orgasm with ease, while others may have difficulty achieving orgasm or may require specific types of stimulation. It's important to recognize and respect individual differences. Clitoral stimulation: The clitoris is a highly sensitive organ located above the vaginal opening. For most women, clitoral stimulation plays a crucial role in achieving orgasm. Direct or indirect stimulation of the clitoris through manual stimulation, oral sex, or the use of sex toys can enhance sexual pleasure and increase the likelihood of orgasm. Multiple types of orgasm: Women can experience different types of orgasms, including clitoral, vaginal, or blended orgasms that combine clitoral and vaginal stimulation. It's important to explore and understand what types of stimulation work best for each individual. Emotional and mental factors: Emotional and mental factors, such as relaxation, trust, and a positive sexual mindset, can significantly influence a woman's ability to orgasm. Creating a comfortable and supportive environment can enhance the likelihood of experiencing orgasm. Communication: Open and honest communication with sexual partners is crucial for understanding each other's needs and desires. Women should feel comfortable discussing their preferences, boundaries, and any difficulties they may encounter in achieving orgasm. This can foster a more satisfying sexual experience for both partners. Practice and exploration: Understanding the female orgasm often requires self-exploration and experimentation. Learning about one's own body, preferences, and what feels pleasurable through self-stimulation (masturbation) can provide valuable insights to share with a partner. Orgasm and pleasure are not the sole goals: It's important to remember that sexual pleasure and intimacy are not solely focused on achieving orgasm. The journey and connection between partners are just as important as the destination. Focusing solely on orgasm as the measure of sexual success can create unnecessary pressure and potentially detract from the overall experience. All the best! xox Aunty Hilda

What do I do if i don't know how to break up with someone?

Thanks for reaching out to Ask Aunty Hilda :) It sounds like you already know that this is not the right relationship for you and it's great that you are listening to your self about what feels best. Breaking up is never easy and there are lots of good ways you can go about it. Telling them this isn't right for you, but you still care about them, is one option. Telling them in person is always best too :) Being respectful and expecting respect in return, is important. We know that however you do it, it will possibly be confusing and painful for you or both of you and being kind to yourself during this process is important. Best of luck to you - lots of love from Aunty Hilda xox

How do I get out of the friendzone???

We are really sorry to hear that you're in this confusing spot. I hope we can give you some comfort here..... It's really hard when we can't control what other people feel about us, especially if we want more than they are giving. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to tell them how you really feel. You never know - maybe they feel the same way. Remember not to feel like you need to change yourself or be different in order to get out of the friendzone. If they don't like you in that way, that doesn't mean you are any less perfect than you already are. Be true to yourself and no one can make you feel less than or unworthy. Maybe they really love having you as a friend, which is a special and lucky thing to have . Best of luck! Love Aunty Hilda xox

What would others say if i was trans/gay?

Aunty Hilda wants you to know that being who you are is all that matters! It's never easy wondering what others think about us, but if we are being true to ourselves, that is all we can possibly hope for. Being you means you will find your people and your tribe - if people aren't supportive of you, then they aren't your real friends anyway. It's a brave and courageous thing to do and please know that Aunty Hilda is behind you all the way! Much love xox Aunty Hilda

How do I move forward when the past is dragging me down?

Great question..... always give yourself space to feel what you're feeling and giving yourself time to heal from whatever it is that is dragging you down. When we try and move on too quickly, we often find that we get pulled back because we haven't processed the thing we need to work on. Finding things that you enjoy is a great way to help yourself move forward, as well as finding new interests and ways to occupy yourself positively. If you find yourself dwelling in the past again, you can try giving yourself ten minutes (on the clock) to write down how you're feeling (which gets it out of your head and onto the paper) or allow yourself to drift in those memories. But then, shift your focus again to the present and what you have now that you can be grateful for. Remember that our past is always an important part of who we are and loving the challenging parts of our history helps make us a more colourful and strong person. Give your younger self, the one who experienced this hurt, a kind hug and a few loving words of encouragement. She will appreciate that you are there for her. Lots of love from your Aunty Hilda xox

How do I break up a friendship in a kind and gradual way when the other person doesn't seem to take the hint

This is a common and tricky situation! It's great that you know what it is that you want and need in this relationship. As always, communicating clearly is best, but we know this is easier said than done. Sometimes saying that you need a bit of space can be helpful, or distancing yourself without ignoring them, can be a gradual and gentle way. If you were in their shoes, what would you like them to do? You're obviously someone who cares about the feelings of others, so be kind to yourself in this also, by speaking up and standing up for yourself. You are strong, even in these difficult and challenging conversations. We all need to practise having them at times and they are always hard to do. Best of luck, xox Aunty Hilda